Busy

Why do I make myself this busy? Am I afraid of searching for the abstract anymore?

It's funny that I ask this, because part of me being busy is about searching for these abstract unknowns. Like chasing philosophy, democracy and youth entitlement.

Whatever happened to chasing for my personal enjoyment? Love, lust, hatred, arts? They seemed so miniscule compared to the plans I'm chasing on right now.

I've been given an opportunity to be even busier than now. Still thinking whether should I accept it. After all, I thought it was my friend's idea, which turns out to be something her boss' idea. Is that even called a "recognition" of my talents? Moreover, will that even be breaching the contract? I think I need to talk it over.

Maybe I should ask those who had a full time job and still become councilors/local politicians. It must be tough on them, add on the marriage in their hands and wow, I can't imagine the burden.

I can't help but say I may have to say goodbye to pursuing personal happiness. Everything I'm doing is now group based. The only thing that's enriching and individualistic is my mind. I've never felt so alive, engaging in debates, getting to know people, listening to their views, counter them, listen again. One day, may I get to listen to the views who are really at the other end of the spectrum.

I saw the transformation of my Facebook page. A lot more political, a lot less personal. Thankfully I didn't portray any side swaying. Still not comfortable to portray myself as a leftist or a rightist. Thankfully I still maintain a centrist, but slowly moving to become a centre-left. I'm not even bothered to know what he's doing anymore. I figured, he probably won't care. And he probably wouldn't.

This slowdown made me think a lot on what I really want to do. What should I sacrifice if any, and can I continue pursuing a direction like this? I think I can, now that I'm a little more liberated and a little less cooped up. I never thought I could multitask but maybe that's because I had the lack of exercise, which caused my brain to shut down rapidly if I try to do more than one thing. Strangely that shut down hasn't occured ever since I started Yoga. But that's only my second month in practising. I'll need to wait somemore to see real change of results.

I guess I'm distressed because I want a boyfriend so badly so that once that pillar is settled, I can move on with my projects knowing he'll support me, especially when family support looks rather flimsy at the moment. But I can't force it. I have to accept the fact that I may marry late or not find a boyfriend ever.

Get past that wall, girl. I know you want to get married early, but this won't happen with you moping around. Might as well make your life more fulfilling instead of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming.

Yea, and I'm still busy.

Fate

It's time for another verbal diarrhea, one that I have to spit out before I could feel normal again?

I've not been tempting fate as of late, but merely letting it flow through my veins, and surprisingly, yielding more positive than negative results than I could ever imagine.

I asked for a job; I got one. I asked for a place to stay; and it bestowed me a place not only strategic, but filled with some of my favourite people to hang out with (still under planning though. Watch this space). I met up with friends, chatted with them, they were so awesome. I've signed up for exercise classes and Yoga because I can't stand my mother's nagging (joking) about my weight and the fact that I got the motivation just from knowing that the ex slimmed down quite a bit.

But what surprised me is that every time I talked to somebody about the positive things that happened to me, or the coincidental things that just happened at the right their reply is always this

"This is fate, isn't it?"

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of leaving all this positive things to happen because I've always think I got it, I've got the opportunity, and then things fucked up and I end up losing hope. Now, I have all this good things happening to me at once, will I be too complacent and just keep hoping for good things to come and stop anticipating for the negative and bad occurences?

Another thing was, am I tempting fate to be angry at something really mediocre and stupid? Something as dumb as being a little slighted when he puts his privacy even stricter that I can't read his daily entries anymore even though he no longer wants to be my Facebook friend? Sigh.

I really have no idea what is it I want with this man. I'm positive that I no longer harbour any sort of feelings for him, yet, I'm curious to know how he's doing, whether is everything alright, and who'll get the second partner first (lol). It's this kind of anal competition that I secretly have with myself, because if I say that out loud, people will definitely say that I miss him and that I can't let go of him.

Lets face this seriously. I've been trying to avoid talking about it for months now and I think I'm ready to admit it even though it's a little late now. Maybe, during all this subconscious and persistent chase to know about his current situation is a sign of me missing the man. Fact: We have been together for almost three years, having our lifestyles (at least my lifestyle) adjusted towards each other. It's a little hard to adjust it back to the way it was. I was given exposure of different tastes and different lifestyles; I can't turn back to who I was when I was 18. I spent almost the entire university life just having him around. It's not that easy to just flip the switch and say "hey! back to my single life of 18" because I'm no longer 18.

I've been avoiding and running away from people contacts and I know it very well. Even though I'm still meeting new people everyday, they are not allowed into my inner self. They are not exactly asked to be part of my supposedly fun activities. For example, lately, any movie I want to watch, I watch alone, occasionally with a friend, but mostly alone. Why do I do that? Because I picked up the habit of watching movies with the ex and now I can't stop myself. I'll watch whatever's good on the cinemas and just feel content watching it on my own. It's so addictive I just do it naturally.

Until a friend I met while walking around alone waiting for the next showing asked me why I'd do such a thing.

I was stunned and I've forgotten. But somehow I knew and what the friend said struck me. I was trying to avoid him. Avoid remembering what was it like having a companion next to you just sharing the same enthusiasm you have for movies. Heck, he was just oozing of enthusiasm whenever the movies are around unlike me. I caught the movie bug soon after. Now? I just cannot imagine my life without them. And to combat that, I use loneliness to stop myself from remembering what was it like to be held in the cold of the cinema room and able to discuss storylines in whispers. My first kiss was also stolen from me in the cinema by him.

Now that it's been eight months since the break up and it took me this long to admit that nobody is going to be forgotten. I have to learn to accept the fact that he'll always be on my mind, and that I have to be honest with my future partner that there is no way a three year relationship can vanish in front of his eyes as he sees fit, not like how I try to call myself the first girlfriend even though technically the ex had two really weirded out relationships before. All I pray for is a better, more compatible person standing right beside me and telling me what the previous relationship did was help me grow and not make me bitter or resentful about anything at all.

Indeed, if it wasn't for the ex, will I ever step out to make drastic changes to my life as I see it now? And that somehow, my vision grew to become more positive but maintain its realist views on the world and societies? I'm at the in-betweens now on dating. Maybe I'm ready for it and maybe I won't. It's too hard to tell until I actually met someone to go out with. And just now, just that moment as I sat with my friends, ogling at the sweaty boys come and go from the squash court, I felt like I need to grab one of them just to have a small chat and see the sparks fly.

But again, that, I gotta leave to fate. All my boy toying imaginations, from an Eurasian that comes from Hong Kong, to imagining myself dating a pop star secretly, to hoping for a French-Japanese mix who still have his mother's blue eyes will come over and swept my feet away. Let me just melt in my own imagination la.

But there's always a special space for old dog and his new tricks. Maybe both of us will change for the better. Maybe when we can look at each other in the eye and talk and reconnect the dots. I won't have high hopes for that though. There's nothing to suggest that I will walk that path again.

Again, I'm leaving everything to fate. Since everything that's coming together, it's all fate, isn't it?

Draggy June

June turn out to be a long long long LONG affair.

While I got May to keep my head in the clouds by all the travelling, June turned out to be a pleasant exchange actually. For one, I've been kept busy by my friends who keep wanting to meet me again and again, that while I reflect on this I'm like "whoa, slow down there. I don't know I'm THAT in demand!"

First off, I went for an awesome waterfall at Kanching. Beautiful, cold (whoo, I just felt the slight jolt of cold senses as I remember what it felt stepping into the water), serene, green, and best of all friendly, as there were many who passed by the waterfalls greeted us with smiles. It was heartwarming, especially during a time when I was at my most confused and sad moments.

After that, I finally steel my resolve to apply for a job. It didn't take long, about half an hour after I applied for it they begin calling my phone asking me if I could go for an interview. I'm amazed at their speed and efficiency, even more so after I attended their interview. That was the most casual (in terms of interviewing process + clothing) interview I've ever had in my life. The marketing head interviewed me in T-shirt, jeans and slippers. I have trouble keeping a serious face but I guess I passed. Because I'm not only considered, I'm literally hired to become their staff. Ha! Oh, and the HR lady was very very friendly as well. Compared to my experience dealing with another HR I felt like I was thrusted into another world. Then again, I can't let my guard down and take everything for granted. Better work my way up.

As if this can't become any sweeter, well, lets just say I've received some reciprocation at my part. We both discussed and we both agree that whatever happened in that unfortunate event, it's time to put that behind us and move on. It's not like I want to avoid it. I don't. My conscience is very clear (and still is!), but I can't help it if others see it in a wrong way. Alright to be fair, it is wrong, but I never put myself in a dirtier position than it already is. Right, move on.

This must be the month where I saw many friends come and go and come and go. I've decided that tomorrow, last day of June, I'm not going to see anybody and just concentrate on being me instead. From exhilaration and excitement to work I felt like just starting the job already because that's how much June drags for me. It's just strange. I feel like the month is dragging about and yet I'm so busy I can't stop moving.

I've also embrace (kind of) a new faith, without compromising my current one. Would you believe it if I say this new faith actually have relevancy to today's society so I don't feel like I'm reading some outdated texts? But I'm threading it with care, because I don't feel like fully embracing this new faith without coming up with my own theology or principles on dealing with it. I'm not fond of making everything it taught a compulsory follow, that's just as restrictive as any religious school. Although this new faith proclaims that anything I do, it's between me and God. I know and I don't call myself a saint in front of God. I'm merely but human who wills herself to taste certain forbidden fruit (not extreme like some other crazy bastards) that will bring no one else shame but herself. So everything's cool between me and God at the moment.

Also, my other prayer's been answered. The prospect of moving out seemed closer and closer to me already. It feels awesome and weird at the same time. Awesome because I can't believe I could achieve my target this year. Weird because I have yet to discuss this thoroughly with my mother. I'm doing all this searching behind her back and I wonder how best to talk it out to her. Although seeing that most of my elder cousins have moved out of their houses without moving out of state, and I do have some friends behind anxiously hoping to move to a better environment and we can share one unit together, and it so happens my friend DID find me somewhere else to stay that is of better environment, I think things are coming into place and it'll be terrific when it happens. Maybe this is what I need. Some peace and quiet away from the family. Plus it doesn't hurt to tell her the place I'm looking at has a swimming pool and gym...

June may be a lil draggy but it's very lovely when all this positive things come into place. It feels like Summer is working out for me after all, and I can look forward for better days to come instead of constantly hoping for a hopeless future here. Maybe I don't like my family at the moment and rather have fully equipped privacy in my quarters instead. Maybe I just have had enough. I hope I'm wrong though. I don't want to hate my family or anything, but lets just say it isn't too warm-hearted in a way.

See you guys in July. Thank you June for being such a lovely month.

Dry Prune

I'm bored outta my wits and it's not fucking funny at all.

Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to doing that project. But I got so much free time, might as well do something right?

Oh well, who knows, maybe community gatherings will grow into me and I'll like it a lot. As long as things remain friendly and unpushy...

Happy Father's Day to everyone else anyways! If I got a dad now I probably will be out looking for dinner restaurants with him! Oh well! This is life!

Bye!

The Vodka Regrets

So I screwed up.

So I want to explain what I was doing. But I can't be hear out. It's equally fatal apparently whether or not you have the malicious intent to ruin kinships.

People forget that you can't present the same truth equally to different people. You can, but let them judge you differently, or you don't, and let them see you differently. Some people don't need the whole truth because they're not related to it, yet you want to tell because you feel the need to rant, but some people deserve to hear the whole truth.

I made the mistake of even voicing out in the very first place, thus ruining whatever existential relationship I have had with the ex. From now on, it's a total clean cut from him and the close friends he had made. I haven't had the time to sift through the pros and cons of this, but it seems that if possible, my life has nothing to do with him and so is his life for mine. No more ex gossips, no more in between circle gossips, no more "so have you heard from our mutual friend the whale and the beaver?".

I'm still wondering what my other friend who was also in the mutual circle will do if she knew I took the stupid step. Will she side with them for justice, even though she wasn't familiar with what's going on nor is she that friendly with them but she'll do it anyway? Or will she keep it neutral, and know it is an eye for an eye, and certainly the friendship we made doesn't equal the punishment that I should have since it is none of her business? I ponder and wonder.

I will not provide a thousand apologies when I'm not even allowed to provide my explanation. My motto has always been, if I have to be wronged, go ahead and wrong me as much as you want. Cut me out of your life if you will. I may be in a state of sadness and desperation for losing a friend now but it didn't mean I will be stuck in this limbo forever. Will I be accused as a fraud or a bitch in the future? Sure, probably. But the same stands for them because they misunderstood my actions and does not give me the proper chance to make my stand or understand me.

So many others, have made even dire mistakes than I ever do and I can still find the heart to forgive them even though it took a really long time sometimes, but I hear them out before I even made that decision. It takes two to tango in this case. If they couldn't find any capacity in their heart then I have nothing to say. I did nothing so wrong that it'll scar my life forever. It's a regret for sure. But I've mentioned a few hundred times before that I wasn't sure if I'm supposed to be angry at the incident and I wanted advice and I wanted to know what was going on. Yet I was prosecuted for being an accuser because I could not present the whole truth unless it's spoken in private.

What can I do anyways? Just get sad for a few weeks and then move on after that. I'm desperate to leave this shithole anyway, what's with a few more cuts to make it an even better decision to get out of here? As for my friend who's closer to me while maintaining as the mutual friend to the rest? Well, it's up to her to decide. Frankly I think it's stupid to take such extreme measures and make her take sides when it really comes to the ultimate showdown. But if she has to do that, then I relinquish this idiotically "precious" position of "friend" if it lessens her headache.

I can't help but wonder if this is a form of revenge that seems to run on karmic proportions. On one hand, I had this bitch straining my previous relationship (no, she was not the deciding factor for me to leave it). On the other, I made a careless, reckless mistake onto someone else, only to be judged, prosecuted, persecuted, sent to expulsion before I had the chance to explain myself, saying that this is a good excuse to finally finally gotten the clean cut.

I'll be lying right now if I say I don't care what my image will be like. Of course I do, and plenty of hands will be there to twist it and make it worst if it ever can. Besides that, I regretted pouring my heart out again, that's why this time it hurts particularly bad. Otherwise, it should have been daisies even if it's not a bed of roses. I should have kept some things in the secret closet and I acted foolishly by blurting it out. Maybe some thing should not have been shared. But I can't do anything now, it's been like this, there's no time machine to reverse that decision.

But the biggest regret, is that I have to wonder why I get the same punishment like anyone else who made bigger mistakes than I have. And I have to sit back and reflect like a kid who have to stay on top of the table for getting caught once while the serial offenders who are experts just stayed quiet while they absorbed all the embarassment I let out.

Whatever happens, the month of May is gone. Perhaps the month of May is the month where I make dire mistakes and loose a few more preciousness in life. Otherwise I'll never steel up and get going. Never. I've also made the mistake thinking that I could've stayed friends with mutual friends of my ex no matter how close they are with the ex as long as they hear me out, but it came to a point where they will not and insist I was wrong. I also appreciate the fact that they have defended me in various situations but I think now they can openly label and call me a bitch, slut, whatever context in front of him for my wrongdoing even if my intentions were never sexual. Sigh.

What will the month of June be like? I don't know. I hate making predictions now that my life has been thrown into disarray yet again. Will it be the month that I can be forgiven? Will it be the month of discovering a new career path? Will it be the month where I move out? So many questions but nothing I can do to ease the pain of the continuous questions in my head.

Lastly, this will be a very long shot because this blog is nearly hidden in piles now and I doubt it'll be read by them, ever. But I'm very sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did because I'm standing my ground to say: That was NEVER meant to destroy your relationship or cast doubts in our friendship and I was under the influence of alcohol. But I'm sorry for all the hurt that you must have gone through, or listening to all the "accusations" I've been telling people apparently (even though I specify that I'm NOT SURE myself), and possibly almost ruining other people's friendship with yours. I'm just glad to get out of there, thus stopping anymore related discussion from continuing, because I don't linger on and on like some other bitch we both know. Was it shame? Yes, possibly, shame's a very sneaky feeling that you can only reveal to a certain number of people while worrying that everything will be heard by the wrong people after that.

To myself, this will probably be a really good lesson never to allow me near anything with the name vodka. No more. I did the stupidest things under the influence of that wretched thing, twice. I'm sticking to gulping beers until I find another alcohol expert, politely reminding them to keep me away from vodka before I vomit, had bleedy throats, and blood-drained faces on them. I still get nightmares remembering my own face.

With this confession of regret, I can now poke fun at myself and slowly close up the wounds. It takes time to heal of course. Hopefully the next post, will be of something fun.

I'm Not Angry

I should be angry when things happen to me, but I'm not.

At times when I shouldn't be angry, I am.

This has been happening for the past month or so after my work-home balance is tipped off, well, not by much, since I was crazily working when I was with that company. Urgh.

One friend said nasty things during a Facebook chat which I got an apology from after telling him properly about what I felt, then he abandons me in Langkawi due to unresolved issues that I don't think I can help with. I was angry, but not angry enough to confront him nor demand an apology. Worst, I relay it to a friend about that incident, and she thinks it's pretty laughable how a girl who grew up in an urban environment could be so indecisive when it comes to asking for a friend's company even if he was in pain or whatever. And again, I felt this momentary surge of anger when I heard that statement that was quickly deflated, I suspect, with the beer I'm drinking and the nachos I'm eating.

I'm just not angry enough. And I know I'm very destructive when I'm angry. So, with many years of practise and patience, somehow I'll just let it slide, only to just mildly poke at them again to get a very mild apology in return.

Maybe she was right, if I was angry maybe I should've showed it to him and as a city girl, perhaps I should have declared or demand for company. The only problem is I don't think I know him enough to make such demands, and honestly, I already got it covered, just sad that this happened, and I don't even get to say goodbye to him properly.

That's not to say I have none of these emotions. I do. I bottle them up till it explodes, or when something that really mattered to me triggered and I blow up, crying or yelling at people. Lately though, these bottled emotions seemed to have a leakage, it'll leak slowly that I just don't do the explosive emotive expression anymore. What for? Who am I showing it to? And really, do we need another angry individual around when every idiot who wants to show theirs have already did their part in annoying the world already?

The bottomline is, just because I don't look angry or that I don't make a big action out there that will hurt or excite people it doesn't mean I'm someone without emotions. The easiest way is just mute and let things pass.

But perhaps it's time I do a little change. Maybe I should take charge about something. But what is it? I don't know yet.

Amazement

I'm to be unemployed in a week.

I thought I was going to feel very sad and discouraged by the fact that I will not be in the job market very very soon, until today.

Quite a few people knew I was quitting already. Bla bla bla, and this person (not the employer), we just have some empty chats, until he told me there will be a new writer filling my place after I was gone.

My first thought was sadness because I was to be replaced. Never thought he found anyone so soon. Heck, who would be in my position to be tortured anyway?

And then I realised something: Someone else is being the sucker. I wonder how long he or she will last.

I have to say lasting 9 months in a job with very little pay, no sense of job security, and an increasingly annoying hypocrite as the employer is a serious achievement. My friends were right, it was like a part time job. I just come and go from home.

I used to go to the office until I found out it's pretty hopeless being there. The hypocrite just goes in for the first few months for image's sake and then left me to fend for myself. I don't know about others but I do believe as an editor, people have to work TOGETHER.

A couple of unhappy events later and I finally blasted him for his hypocrisy when dealing with personal events and my stuff. I still have yet to hear an apology from him but not that it mattered. I've also yet to talk about the things he did to me in public other than those that are obvious. After all, he's the immature and childish one to post ugly things on social media and make people comment on them rather than confronting the person itself. Rather than trying to understand the person this hypocrite rather come up with his own conclusions because it's "faster that way".

I'm amazed actually. On one hand the hypocrite taught me a lot of things early on when I was still naive and new, but on the other hand decides to fuck things up by being mean, rude and such a hypocrite for no reason at all. It's up to the point where he tackles issues with rudeness and sacarsm, clearly portraying himself as a biased person even in publications.

I understand that one should be biased, but not to the point of using your position to continue propagate the bias. You want to be biased? Be a columnist, don't abuse your position. Urgh.

Bottomline, I'm not sad about leaving. Good riddance. Maybe I can get out of where I'm staying soon enough with this miserable burden coming to an end =)