Its cases like these that I wonder if the media have done anything good or have been going down the dogs lately. He Lived and Died under the spotlight of the media.
I'm a student I'm a daughter I'm a granddaughter I'm a girlfriend I'm a sister I'm a leader I'm a journalist I'm a political observer I.....can't achieve what I really want to do.... Sigh. I read the guest column by Rin who is currently volunteering for The Nut Graph and honestly I felt that she was truly progressing towards achieving what she really need. I felt good for her... I couldn't feel good for myself. Every year as I came into university I'm constantly bogged by the conflict of roles, majority of them coming from family problems. Fulfil my duty as the eldest daughter, the eldest sister, the granddaughter, the girlfriend... Then what will happen to my duty as the student, the leader, the political observer, the journalist? Can I even achieve those without feeling already bogged down by the conflicting roles involving my bond with the family and love? These ties that are filled with so much emotion? It's easy to take the other roles away because I couldn't be emotionally committed to them. What more with the current baggage that I'm currently carrying. I'd be a living miracle, or a living genius, if I can maintain both committed to my family and what I really want to do? I'd have wanted to achieve so much, constantly dreaming for a way so that I seize the quickest opportunity to stay focused on what I can and want to do. But unfortunately, until the baggage is lifted from me and I'm relieved of my position do I truly feel that I could be responsible in chasing my dream. I feel like I'm chasing it half-heartedly. There's no commitment to what this is. Sure, my mom said it easy about studying. Sure, my friend said it easy about going out to play. Without a care in this world? Yea why not, your parents shouldn't be worrying about you now that you're 21 and growing. How many of you would want to try and live in these shoes? Stay with the grandparents your whole life, and this year you could barely even communicate with your grandmother because she's showing symptoms of dementia and living in denial, unwilling to embrace the fact and bear with her and mom's naggings everytime it concerned about your well-being and wondered why I couldn't score in exams? (I'd like to see you say yes to this. Really) How many of you would want to leave class and go straight home despite friendly invites by your coursemates to stay and have lunch with them which could possibly for the pleasure of your well-being because these are supposedly the rights enjoyed? Just because your single mother is currently working elsewhere and your grandmother fell ill and have fever? How many of you would want to constantly live with the agony of knowing your dreams will never be achieved because of family commitments and you know your mother is drumming into your head with the words "money money money can't support"? I'm envious with everyone without the extra family burden. Living with 3 generations definitely do not make me a better achiever. Ideally, I could live like Rin. I'd really want her life, fighting for a cause, willing to do what it takes to practise journalism from the best. But In reality, I'm CiNDi. As if the companies will actually let this flaw be put into consideration. I cannot spread my wings until I'm done with my job, which I was BORN to take, not WILLING to take. I can't blame anyone for this job. I've given up on asking "why?" to God and also to Mom. My friend once said, I have the courage because I've did what so many people couldn't do in my personal life. Will that courage even be reflected into my job? (Actually it has, I don't know. I just feel stupider now by trying to make myself feel better with this meagre of an achievement.) .........I really wonder, when can I ever stood up and say, I really want to do something, without feeling doubtful or worried about other factors...... Please, if I may, I wish to no more feel the conflict of roles......
But it's most probably due to the fact that I'm graduating soon, that I really want it to end faster.
I've been reading a couple of my friends' blogs recently, and they all desire, not to continue their work in Malaysia. If they can, and God willing, they'd wish to travel outside and try their very best to stay out, enjoy and taste the freedom of being the global citizen.
Some, wished to live the American dream. Visit nightlife, Times Square, all that American culture.
Some, wished to just keep trekking, whether is it jungles, deserts, cities, slums, as long as they can stand on that ground; does it matter if the ground is classy or dirty? They just loved to walk.
I know that nowadays when I really wanted something, I can. All I needed was to take that one step and say "Yes, I'll do it! And it's not for anyone's sake, it's MY sake."
I complained once about wanting to Escape from not just the family, but from everything, including my love. I did it, one year later, after my internship, with a friend. It's not alone, but nevertheless it was a journey unintended for any sort of sightseeing. Just escape la. I did it, and I really felt good, rejuvenated.
Today, I promised myself that I'd trek the forest, and I did. I did a 45-minute stint at the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve, which was, in my opinion, one of the okay forests for its place nearby a LRT station. I still miss FRIM the most, their canopy walks are really breath-taking. You really take in breaths, but it really made you appreciate nature for what it is. I know the forests aren't that small, but my boyfriend insisted that he came along as well and if he didn't, I would've spent more than 45 minutes inside that forest reserve.
But this is me, I'm always having people who cared, and love me, which caused them to worry a lot about me.
But I do wonder, what if my dreams do come true? That the sacrifice I need to make was to actually leave everyone? Mom, family, Ephyon, Friends, people who'd really appreciate my existence in their life?
And yet, my mind lingers, to visiting the old towns of England, to be able to capture the snow in Switzerland, witness beauty of Icelandic waterfalls, cherish that moment of having only myself in France, Italy, England. Living the Berlin dream......
But yet it was a dream filled with obstacles. It's never easy to achieve it. One look at the requirements they needed in international media organisations just for their industrial training alone and I could just faint. Theirs were really demanding, and I kept wondering to myself: What sort of lessons do media students in American colleges and universities go through just to enter this media organisation?
And then I thought: With my qualifications, I'll never be able to enter, and live the dream, the dream of throwing my bag onto my shoulder and just keep on truckin'
If I could live that dream, I guess a few years of being just by myself, that painful separation, no matter what, I guess it will be worth it. It's not that I don't love them, but I'd really really love to go somewhere worthwhile, staying there for a couple of years.
After all, it wouldn't hurt to dream a little bit before letting reality sunk in, right?
Mom seemed to not be wavered when I told her about Jaya Supermarket's collapse yesterday. Actually I was the one more worried because Ephyon was near the scene of the disastrous fall. Then the pouring of one of the many blogs who mourned the collapse of "the earliest landmarks in Petaling Jaya". I did not have much memories of that place, other than being able to stop by it once in awhile after walking from PC block to the bus stop back when the option of a car is not available. When me and Ephyon had no cars and could only walk around holding hands while going to the grubby Popular bookstore. Not a lot of memories for that place. I seemed to have more fondness for new buildings than old unless the old buildings come together to form a small little town. But if it must have been a major spot for the many residents of Petaling Jaya here. Oh well...gone it will someday. Pray that the casualties came out alive and not in another body bag.
My mind's a blur nowadays. It's filled with all the latest information that I tried very hard to find, keep, to be used for reference in the future. Or will it be used? I refrain from commenting on my life so much that I felt the essence of even mentioning it started to flow away from my hands even as I pen it down here. And then I would start asking, "What's the point of mentioning it?" I wished to share the many philosophies I came across during the internship, that of which I have learnt to accept despite having hate for it. But I refrain from commenting on it because it involves my life. I wished to share my many opportunities just looking at the events that I've attended. I really do wish to share it here but I do not know how to begin and how to end. I'm astounded yet disappointed with the current media system. I chose to accept, love and hate it. I'm fascinated by it, attempting to research it, only to find much less of what is researched could not be used. Nothing much of Malaysia's media system that could be used for publications. It's this sad fact: we are all but an empty core, all but a regurgitation of what others brought into and introduce. The media system is nothing but regurgitation. We report, we publish, we are basically vomitting what others have expressed. The only times when opinions really mattered were those of book reviews and movie or music or even food reviews. We have never experienced transparency and I fear that we never will be. If anything, we are genuinely afraid of being too transparent, that the citizens could read the law like a textbook, use it to their own accord to the abusive level, what was left was what of no value. The core value of law has vanished. I'm not sorry to say that if any of the media companies in Malaysia deserves any awards for credible journalism outside of this country, I can tell them they are admiring a pile of vomit. I'm at the same time deprived of any pop culture knowledge, any knowledge, readable or not. Despite portraying my capabilities of flaunting my language flawlessly without any hesitation, my editors pointed out I'm still obviously too young and too naive for any proper reviews nor could I become a analyst at this age when I do not have an all-rounded coverage over what has been going on for this while. I'm at a disadvantage for giving into the foundation system, jumping too much for an age that discriminates you for being too young, underknowledged, not too acknowledged into the working class. When I graduate, I'd probably be getting my ass out of here. I'm dreaming of Europe, maybe to be more precise, Germany. Stay tuned, I'm not going to be refraining myself a lot after this holiday.
It is right over there at the new slot. Please read. Thank you. I still have the original postings of the blog. Don't worry. I kept my word, but I do not trust myself to trust others anymore. Thank you, No Thanks, Goodbye.
