Since I still have that little more time, I guess I'll conjure a post about the third year.
It was the year of so many changes for me and him.
We changed a lot, undergoing two internships in one year, fought a lot more than usual, have become more honest with each other (hence the increase in arguments), and still have so much love for each other.
But it's like going back to square one. Gone were the days where his idealists views, measured with my real-time experiences, that we find it so hard accepting each other sometimes. Going through those two internships, and having me moving to another campus just gives us more time to discover ourselves, and fortunately or not, to learn even more about each other.
Ephyon in 2007 is never Ephyon in 2010.
And to tell anybody who cared about this relationship, it is actually in the state of mending itself. I have learnt throughout my 2009 that I should have just kept to my principles before I let anyone tamper over it and make decisions I don't like to keep using. I guess my stubbornness paid off somewhat, and now people are better at seeing how I really am before they presume what I'm not.
Unfortunately, I can't do the same to him. We are both just too stubborn.
The fact that I've detached myself from almost everyone right from the start of this year spells a doom in my relationship with them for the coming years of my life. The fact that I've detest a few upcoming events might make me look like another loser in the group (which I don't mind losing, I've been adamant at leaving and not turning back). But due to the fact that this group was the very thing Ephyon and I and this bunch of people whom I know since Foundation have built, it was meant to last. With more and more additional beings into the group which I personally don't feel necessary. Which is why I want to leave, coupled with a few hates that I have bore for the past few years, and it's a signal for me to go.
I'm honest with myself and with the others, but Ephyon never once want me to hurt any of his friends through my brash and selfish actions. I hate it when he goes against my will with reasonings that was sometimes illogical.
It gets very complicated sometimes and I don't fancy being in a relationship anymore. I'm sure at some points he might also feel the same. There is a certain restriction, there is a certain bond that needs upkeeping. I can't just dump the relationship to go on another trail of my life, and I will be forced to do another balancing act once I'm out in the open in the working world.
If you ask me now, I honestly don't know where this relationship will be heading. It's a miracle it reached the third year, and I can still write about the same guy for so long. It's amazing, coming from a non-existing vow, a barely needed chase, a seal of a kiss between a girl and a boy who don't know what lies ahead of them.
With all this faced it could also mean there are going to be several more challenges ahead of us. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I can make it, not after the two internships which was truly an eye-opening factor for both me and him.
It's times like this I'm also glad that I got this great man at the same time who's willing to offer half of his life to share with me, something I'm still unwilling to return sometimes. I'm grateful that he was partly the reason why I'm going to go back to my old self, because he was comfortable enough to allow me to. Therefore, I might look like a shut-in from the outside, from people who don't know me, but in truth, I have priorities and principles, and only he sees it. Hopefully my other friends see it too.
With that said, I think it's time I give him a proper identity. Calling him Ephyon was never my favourite, because I feel like it's just yet another virtual name amongst the various virtual ones we have. But thankfully he does have an English name, therefore not only give him some sense of identity for my writing, but still protects his anonymity, somewhat.
Say hello to Marc. The name Ephyon will be put to rest.
What will happen between me and Marc this year, I honestly don't know. But hopefully we'll have many more years to come that we could cherish, that my ambitions do not deter this relationship, that maybe, just maybe, a proper space between the both of us, so that no one else could interfere anymore.
That's all. I love you Marc.
P.S: I'm going to close the comment boxes for the time being. Too many spams around it. Thanks.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
To Bitch
I'm sorry for being away for so long. The thesis finally caught up to me. But since I'm awaiting feedback, I guess I could compose a little something, just anything to keep my mind out of it.
I've been really frustrated and angered by negativity and I feel like having some kind of space to rant out. If people were to try and talk me out of this my suggestion is to just stay away. I'm pure angry.
I have this really unlawful feeling towards girls. Not just any girls, but girls who generally feel weak and unprotected. They think the whole world owes them something, therefore they'd stop at nothing to exert every single pity they can from people. Bummer.
I once had knew this girl through those idol forums. We chatted abit, I think she was one year younger than me. Pretty looking lass, since we exchanged pictures. Mine left nothing to desire of course. But we often chat on MSN, because that's where my free time went when you're 15 and out of PMR.
Well back to pretty lass. It started off about our admiration for idols who gets sponsored, and sponsored a free phone as well. We marvel about handphones because it's impossible for us to get and secure one for our needs. Then she told me, how sad she was. She was using a Nokia. She wanted to upgrade to a new phone, but her parents do not allow her to. So she was ranting, complaining about it, said it was restricting her freedom (god knows what freedom, but whatever LOL), and then she said she cried a lot thinking about that upgrade that never happened.
I'd think she expected pity, because when I said "I'm sharing, with my sister, one number, one phone, a shitty Alcatel one at that". Hoping to tell her there are people out there less fortunate and she should widen her perspectives abit.
She called me a liar.
Only then I threaten to show her my late father's picture (I don't know how did it lead to that) that she knew I was telling the truth. She apologised for those words.
But, she stopped talking to me after that.
Then I felt that she was truly an idiot to not appreciate what her parents had done to her. And then I think to myself, would I be pushed to live this kind of life if the circumstances did not turn against me?
It was after this incident, I try not to talk about my past life. It's too harsh for currently living standards. I'm honest. Nobody could imagine living the life I used to live. In fact, even my current life also no one wants to live in it.
Hence, the only reason why I feel very strongly towards girls (or bitches, when I'm angry) who couldn't stand up for themselves when they need to. It just makes my blood boil when they cannot find their own solution and have to rely on others to make their lives easier. I mean, come on, it's your friggin life, you don't need someone to assist you every step away.
Then people would say, oh sure, YOU don't know what it feels. YOU are not studying at another state like THEY are. YOU have the advantage what. What's with the fuss?
Anyone who told me that, will get a big FUCK YOU.
Even if I don't live in other states, Hello, you think Kuala Lumpur is easily conquered with the wave of a finger? I also went through trouble before I could reach certain destinations, ON MY OWN mind! You think like you? Had to rely on someone else just because, maybe because, you don't know the function of Google Maps Hmm?
Of course, sometimes it can't be helped if some of my girl pals feel helpless due to lots of parental restrictions towards them (and sometimes me). And I believe if you have the time, do some THINKING before opening your mouth to ask. Your brains are there for thinking and research.
Goddamnit, and I get even angrier sometimes because it's so close to home for me =(. I can't avoid it, nor can I solve it, because my solution is too harsh for current situations it seems. All I do is just wait till my Feminism barometer reaches its limit. What happens after that might just change my whole life forever.
I feel like a bitch bitching about it, but if I don't I'll just become angrier. Sometimes, its towards friends whom I'm close to, sometimes its towards people whom I've started to dislike. It's a terrible trait, but I absolutely view weak-shits with disdain. Plenty of it.
What am I to do to get those bitches to wake up? A tight slap, will that be good enough? A simple scolding and telling off, will that be alright? A good advice on how to survive yourself?
In any case, somebody was quoted to saying I can't change the world, but goddamnit, can I change the people around me to stop being so vulnerable to these weakshits? Who knows, as my other friend say, Maybe because people are lonely, so they always try to seek company. Yeah, probably so lonely they seek these people out to give them all the comfort they need. Win-win situation.
In times like this, I'm glad my favourite "Don't Fuck With Me" blogger is around to be read. She has a family, four sons somemore. What I like best is that her husband listens whenever she has something to complain. And yes, she has the problem with weakshits too. Except, hers was a guy. Mine....don't even talk about mine. Can't talk, don't talk, don't want to talk. Enormously plagued.
I need more "Don't Fuck With Me" bloggers around. So that one day, I'll really say those words, and hopefully weakshits be away from my life.
Actually there's another solution. But it takes two to tango. The letting go part of tango.
Sigh.
Sorry, maybe no post of the Third Year. Mostly it will be caused by me being busy. Nothing more. I think.
Since I feel better now, I'm going to resume to preparing the presentation.
Mini stress one - check.
I've been really frustrated and angered by negativity and I feel like having some kind of space to rant out. If people were to try and talk me out of this my suggestion is to just stay away. I'm pure angry.
I have this really unlawful feeling towards girls. Not just any girls, but girls who generally feel weak and unprotected. They think the whole world owes them something, therefore they'd stop at nothing to exert every single pity they can from people. Bummer.
I once had knew this girl through those idol forums. We chatted abit, I think she was one year younger than me. Pretty looking lass, since we exchanged pictures. Mine left nothing to desire of course. But we often chat on MSN, because that's where my free time went when you're 15 and out of PMR.
Well back to pretty lass. It started off about our admiration for idols who gets sponsored, and sponsored a free phone as well. We marvel about handphones because it's impossible for us to get and secure one for our needs. Then she told me, how sad she was. She was using a Nokia. She wanted to upgrade to a new phone, but her parents do not allow her to. So she was ranting, complaining about it, said it was restricting her freedom (god knows what freedom, but whatever LOL), and then she said she cried a lot thinking about that upgrade that never happened.
I'd think she expected pity, because when I said "I'm sharing, with my sister, one number, one phone, a shitty Alcatel one at that". Hoping to tell her there are people out there less fortunate and she should widen her perspectives abit.
She called me a liar.
Only then I threaten to show her my late father's picture (I don't know how did it lead to that) that she knew I was telling the truth. She apologised for those words.
But, she stopped talking to me after that.
Then I felt that she was truly an idiot to not appreciate what her parents had done to her. And then I think to myself, would I be pushed to live this kind of life if the circumstances did not turn against me?
It was after this incident, I try not to talk about my past life. It's too harsh for currently living standards. I'm honest. Nobody could imagine living the life I used to live. In fact, even my current life also no one wants to live in it.
Hence, the only reason why I feel very strongly towards girls (or bitches, when I'm angry) who couldn't stand up for themselves when they need to. It just makes my blood boil when they cannot find their own solution and have to rely on others to make their lives easier. I mean, come on, it's your friggin life, you don't need someone to assist you every step away.
Then people would say, oh sure, YOU don't know what it feels. YOU are not studying at another state like THEY are. YOU have the advantage what. What's with the fuss?
Anyone who told me that, will get a big FUCK YOU.
Even if I don't live in other states, Hello, you think Kuala Lumpur is easily conquered with the wave of a finger? I also went through trouble before I could reach certain destinations, ON MY OWN mind! You think like you? Had to rely on someone else just because, maybe because, you don't know the function of Google Maps Hmm?
Of course, sometimes it can't be helped if some of my girl pals feel helpless due to lots of parental restrictions towards them (and sometimes me). And I believe if you have the time, do some THINKING before opening your mouth to ask. Your brains are there for thinking and research.
Goddamnit, and I get even angrier sometimes because it's so close to home for me =(. I can't avoid it, nor can I solve it, because my solution is too harsh for current situations it seems. All I do is just wait till my Feminism barometer reaches its limit. What happens after that might just change my whole life forever.
I feel like a bitch bitching about it, but if I don't I'll just become angrier. Sometimes, its towards friends whom I'm close to, sometimes its towards people whom I've started to dislike. It's a terrible trait, but I absolutely view weak-shits with disdain. Plenty of it.
What am I to do to get those bitches to wake up? A tight slap, will that be good enough? A simple scolding and telling off, will that be alright? A good advice on how to survive yourself?
In any case, somebody was quoted to saying I can't change the world, but goddamnit, can I change the people around me to stop being so vulnerable to these weakshits? Who knows, as my other friend say, Maybe because people are lonely, so they always try to seek company. Yeah, probably so lonely they seek these people out to give them all the comfort they need. Win-win situation.
In times like this, I'm glad my favourite "Don't Fuck With Me" blogger is around to be read. She has a family, four sons somemore. What I like best is that her husband listens whenever she has something to complain. And yes, she has the problem with weakshits too. Except, hers was a guy. Mine....don't even talk about mine. Can't talk, don't talk, don't want to talk. Enormously plagued.
I need more "Don't Fuck With Me" bloggers around. So that one day, I'll really say those words, and hopefully weakshits be away from my life.
Actually there's another solution. But it takes two to tango. The letting go part of tango.
Sigh.
Sorry, maybe no post of the Third Year. Mostly it will be caused by me being busy. Nothing more. I think.
Since I feel better now, I'm going to resume to preparing the presentation.
Mini stress one - check.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Dearest Moon
Whisper thy fears to thine ears
What troubles thee?
That shroud of loneliness
Possess thouest heart of gold
Turning it into burning stone
Discomfort and disbelief
Began the course of overwhelming
Taking over thine precious sanity
Wail thy sorrows to thine shoulders
What causes thee?
That unfaithfulness in reality
Proceeds to crush thou
How thy life began it woving
When thou art weak, unwilling
What happens thouest strength?
Creeping behind? Unthinking?
Seek thy wine and toast
To the unsatiable
Unfathomable, untrustable, unreliable
Laugh at thine face, thou need
For thou had no more
Who resides in thouest corner?
Could herd that pitfall near
Pushes all judgmentalisms
Back to thee?
Hard to comprehend, thine dearest Moon
How dost thou be the last hope of thine sanity?
How dost feelings turn to numerical, which calms thine soul?
How dost, of all things, a tragedy waiting to be repeated, hurts the most?
Woven and woven again I feel
The complications that stabs thine heart
The unapproachables robs thine mind
The murkiest, grossful, wretched knowledge!
Feels up to thine sleeves taking over! ME!
And thus, Dearest Moon.
Herein lies the author ought to be
Merciful under thy hands
Begging for comfort, for a smell of white freedom
For the longing, for the desire, for the abosh
For Dearest Moon
I shall crawl under thy hands
seeking for that last smile that belongs
to me...
What troubles thee?
That shroud of loneliness
Possess thouest heart of gold
Turning it into burning stone
Discomfort and disbelief
Began the course of overwhelming
Taking over thine precious sanity
Wail thy sorrows to thine shoulders
What causes thee?
That unfaithfulness in reality
Proceeds to crush thou
How thy life began it woving
When thou art weak, unwilling
What happens thouest strength?
Creeping behind? Unthinking?
Seek thy wine and toast
To the unsatiable
Unfathomable, untrustable, unreliable
Laugh at thine face, thou need
For thou had no more
Who resides in thouest corner?
Could herd that pitfall near
Pushes all judgmentalisms
Back to thee?
Hard to comprehend, thine dearest Moon
How dost thou be the last hope of thine sanity?
How dost feelings turn to numerical, which calms thine soul?
How dost, of all things, a tragedy waiting to be repeated, hurts the most?
Woven and woven again I feel
The complications that stabs thine heart
The unapproachables robs thine mind
The murkiest, grossful, wretched knowledge!
Feels up to thine sleeves taking over! ME!
And thus, Dearest Moon.
Herein lies the author ought to be
Merciful under thy hands
Begging for comfort, for a smell of white freedom
For the longing, for the desire, for the abosh
For Dearest Moon
I shall crawl under thy hands
seeking for that last smile that belongs
to me...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Approaching 2010
I wanted to post a set of lyrics I've created because I thought it was funny. Therefore I've made a quick search around this whole year, the things I've posted to see if I could tally with that.
And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.
It must have been a shitty year for me.
I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.
I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.
Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)
I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.
I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.
Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.
I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.
Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.
My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.
As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.
My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.
The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.
But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.
So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.
It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.
That said, it served me well.
And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.
Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.
My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.
My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.
My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.
My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.
My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.
Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.
And I will have a better 2010.
And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.
It must have been a shitty year for me.
I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.
I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.
Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)
I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.
I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.
Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.
I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.
Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.
My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.
As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.
My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.
The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.
But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.
So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.
It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.
That said, it served me well.
And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.
Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.
My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.
My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.
My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.
My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.
My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.
Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.
And I will have a better 2010.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Filler Post
Lacking of motivation to write and busy with studies. Thesis, such a biatch. Exams, holiday mood, shopping impulses...><
But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.
Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.
Enjoy.
And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:
Enjoy.
But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.
Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.
Enjoy.
And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:
Enjoy.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
2am
I've been sleeping at this time for almost seven weeks now.
And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).
I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.
I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.
Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.
But there's no such thing as enough achievements.
I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.
I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.
We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.
I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.
He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.
And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.
I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).
And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.
One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.
I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.
And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.
But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?
I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.
I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.
I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.
I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.
I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.
I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.
And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.
But who is my calculator?
And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).
I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.
I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.
Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.
But there's no such thing as enough achievements.
I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.
I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.
We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.
I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.
He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.
And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.
I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).
And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.
One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.
I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.
And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.
But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?
I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.
I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.
I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.
I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.
I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.
I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.
And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.
But who is my calculator?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Twenty One? About Me
Hello. My name is CiNDi. This is my blog name.
I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.
Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.
Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.
Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.
I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.
My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.
I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.
I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.
My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.
I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.
I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.
Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.
My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.
My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.
What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.
Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.
I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.
I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.
I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.
I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.
I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.
But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!
Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.
I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.
Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.
Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.
Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.
I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.
My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.
I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.
I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.
My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.
I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.
I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.
Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.
My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.
My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.
What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.
Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.
I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.
I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.
I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.
I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.
I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.
But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!
Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.
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