My Wild Thoughts

Busy

2011-08-15T00:08:00.002+08:00

Why do I make myself this busy? Am I afraid of searching for the abstract anymore?

It's funny that I ask this, because part of me being busy is about searching for these abstract unknowns. Like chasing philosophy, democracy and youth entitlement.

Whatever happened to chasing for my personal enjoyment? Love, lust, hatred, arts? They seemed so miniscule compared to the plans I'm chasing on right now.

I've been given an opportunity to be even busier than now. Still thinking whether should I accept it. After all, I thought it was my friend's idea, which turns out to be something her boss' idea. Is that even called a "recognition" of my talents? Moreover, will that even be breaching the contract? I think I need to talk it over.

Maybe I should ask those who had a full time job and still become councilors/local politicians. It must be tough on them, add on the marriage in their hands and wow, I can't imagine the burden.

I can't help but say I may have to say goodbye to pursuing personal happiness. Everything I'm doing is now group based. The only thing that's enriching and individualistic is my mind. I've never felt so alive, engaging in debates, getting to know people, listening to their views, counter them, listen again. One day, may I get to listen to the views who are really at the other end of the spectrum.

I saw the transformation of my Facebook page. A lot more political, a lot less personal. Thankfully I didn't portray any side swaying. Still not comfortable to portray myself as a leftist or a rightist. Thankfully I still maintain a centrist, but slowly moving to become a centre-left. I'm not even bothered to know what he's doing anymore. I figured, he probably won't care. And he probably wouldn't.

This slowdown made me think a lot on what I really want to do. What should I sacrifice if any, and can I continue pursuing a direction like this? I think I can, now that I'm a little more liberated and a little less cooped up. I never thought I could multitask but maybe that's because I had the lack of exercise, which caused my brain to shut down rapidly if I try to do more than one thing. Strangely that shut down hasn't occured ever since I started Yoga. But that's only my second month in practising. I'll need to wait somemore to see real change of results.

I guess I'm distressed because I want a boyfriend so badly so that once that pillar is settled, I can move on with my projects knowing he'll support me, especially when family support looks rather flimsy at the moment. But I can't force it. I have to accept the fact that I may marry late or not find a boyfriend ever.

Get past that wall, girl. I know you want to get married early, but this won't happen with you moping around. Might as well make your life more fulfilling instead of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming.

Yea, and I'm still busy.

Fate

2011-07-05T00:23:00.003+08:00

It's time for another verbal diarrhea, one that I have to spit out before I could feel normal again?

I've not been tempting fate as of late, but merely letting it flow through my veins, and surprisingly, yielding more positive than negative results than I could ever imagine.

I asked for a job; I got one. I asked for a place to stay; and it bestowed me a place not only strategic, but filled with some of my favourite people to hang out with (still under planning though. Watch this space). I met up with friends, chatted with them, they were so awesome. I've signed up for exercise classes and Yoga because I can't stand my mother's nagging (joking) about my weight and the fact that I got the motivation just from knowing that the ex slimmed down quite a bit.

But what surprised me is that every time I talked to somebody about the positive things that happened to me, or the coincidental things that just happened at the right their reply is always this

"This is fate, isn't it?"

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of leaving all this positive things to happen because I've always think I got it, I've got the opportunity, and then things fucked up and I end up losing hope. Now, I have all this good things happening to me at once, will I be too complacent and just keep hoping for good things to come and stop anticipating for the negative and bad occurences?

Another thing was, am I tempting fate to be angry at something really mediocre and stupid? Something as dumb as being a little slighted when he puts his privacy even stricter that I can't read his daily entries anymore even though he no longer wants to be my Facebook friend? Sigh.

I really have no idea what is it I want with this man. I'm positive that I no longer harbour any sort of feelings for him, yet, I'm curious to know how he's doing, whether is everything alright, and who'll get the second partner first (lol). It's this kind of anal competition that I secretly have with myself, because if I say that out loud, people will definitely say that I miss him and that I can't let go of him.

Lets face this seriously. I've been trying to avoid talking about it for months now and I think I'm ready to admit it even though it's a little late now. Maybe, during all this subconscious and persistent chase to know about his current situation is a sign of me missing the man. Fact: We have been together for almost three years, having our lifestyles (at least my lifestyle) adjusted towards each other. It's a little hard to adjust it back to the way it was. I was given exposure of different tastes and different lifestyles; I can't turn back to who I was when I was 18. I spent almost the entire university life just having him around. It's not that easy to just flip the switch and say "hey! back to my single life of 18" because I'm no longer 18.

I've been avoiding and running away from people contacts and I know it very well. Even though I'm still meeting new people everyday, they are not allowed into my inner self. They are not exactly asked to be part of my supposedly fun activities. For example, lately, any movie I want to watch, I watch alone, occasionally with a friend, but mostly alone. Why do I do that? Because I picked up the habit of watching movies with the ex and now I can't stop myself. I'll watch whatever's good on the cinemas and just feel content watching it on my own. It's so addictive I just do it naturally.

Until a friend I met while walking around alone waiting for the next showing asked me why I'd do such a thing.

I was stunned and I've forgotten. But somehow I knew and what the friend said struck me. I was trying to avoid him. Avoid remembering what was it like having a companion next to you just sharing the same enthusiasm you have for movies. Heck, he was just oozing of enthusiasm whenever the movies are around unlike me. I caught the movie bug soon after. Now? I just cannot imagine my life without them. And to combat that, I use loneliness to stop myself from remembering what was it like to be held in the cold of the cinema room and able to discuss storylines in whispers. My first kiss was also stolen from me in the cinema by him.

Now that it's been eight months since the break up and it took me this long to admit that nobody is going to be forgotten. I have to learn to accept the fact that he'll always be on my mind, and that I have to be honest with my future partner that there is no way a three year relationship can vanish in front of his eyes as he sees fit, not like how I try to call myself the first girlfriend even though technically the ex had two really weirded out relationships before. All I pray for is a better, more compatible person standing right beside me and telling me what the previous relationship did was help me grow and not make me bitter or resentful about anything at all.

Indeed, if it wasn't for the ex, will I ever step out to make drastic changes to my life as I see it now? And that somehow, my vision grew to become more positive but maintain its realist views on the world and societies? I'm at the in-betweens now on dating. Maybe I'm ready for it and maybe I won't. It's too hard to tell until I actually met someone to go out with. And just now, just that moment as I sat with my friends, ogling at the sweaty boys come and go from the squash court, I felt like I need to grab one of them just to have a small chat and see the sparks fly.

But again, that, I gotta leave to fate. All my boy toying imaginations, from an Eurasian that comes from Hong Kong, to imagining myself dating a pop star secretly, to hoping for a French-Japanese mix who still have his mother's blue eyes will come over and swept my feet away. Let me just melt in my own imagination la.

But there's always a special space for old dog and his new tricks. Maybe both of us will change for the better. Maybe when we can look at each other in the eye and talk and reconnect the dots. I won't have high hopes for that though. There's nothing to suggest that I will walk that path again.

Again, I'm leaving everything to fate. Since everything that's coming together, it's all fate, isn't it?

Draggy June

2011-06-30T00:48:00.004+08:00

June turn out to be a long long long LONG affair.

While I got May to keep my head in the clouds by all the travelling, June turned out to be a pleasant exchange actually. For one, I've been kept busy by my friends who keep wanting to meet me again and again, that while I reflect on this I'm like "whoa, slow down there. I don't know I'm THAT in demand!"

First off, I went for an awesome waterfall at Kanching. Beautiful, cold (whoo, I just felt the slight jolt of cold senses as I remember what it felt stepping into the water), serene, green, and best of all friendly, as there were many who passed by the waterfalls greeted us with smiles. It was heartwarming, especially during a time when I was at my most confused and sad moments.

After that, I finally steel my resolve to apply for a job. It didn't take long, about half an hour after I applied for it they begin calling my phone asking me if I could go for an interview. I'm amazed at their speed and efficiency, even more so after I attended their interview. That was the most casual (in terms of interviewing process + clothing) interview I've ever had in my life. The marketing head interviewed me in T-shirt, jeans and slippers. I have trouble keeping a serious face but I guess I passed. Because I'm not only considered, I'm literally hired to become their staff. Ha! Oh, and the HR lady was very very friendly as well. Compared to my experience dealing with another HR I felt like I was thrusted into another world. Then again, I can't let my guard down and take everything for granted. Better work my way up.

As if this can't become any sweeter, well, lets just say I've received some reciprocation at my part. We both discussed and we both agree that whatever happened in that unfortunate event, it's time to put that behind us and move on. It's not like I want to avoid it. I don't. My conscience is very clear (and still is!), but I can't help it if others see it in a wrong way. Alright to be fair, it is wrong, but I never put myself in a dirtier position than it already is. Right, move on.

This must be the month where I saw many friends come and go and come and go. I've decided that tomorrow, last day of June, I'm not going to see anybody and just concentrate on being me instead. From exhilaration and excitement to work I felt like just starting the job already because that's how much June drags for me. It's just strange. I feel like the month is dragging about and yet I'm so busy I can't stop moving.

I've also embrace (kind of) a new faith, without compromising my current one. Would you believe it if I say this new faith actually have relevancy to today's society so I don't feel like I'm reading some outdated texts? But I'm threading it with care, because I don't feel like fully embracing this new faith without coming up with my own theology or principles on dealing with it. I'm not fond of making everything it taught a compulsory follow, that's just as restrictive as any religious school. Although this new faith proclaims that anything I do, it's between me and God. I know and I don't call myself a saint in front of God. I'm merely but human who wills herself to taste certain forbidden fruit (not extreme like some other crazy bastards) that will bring no one else shame but herself. So everything's cool between me and God at the moment.

Also, my other prayer's been answered. The prospect of moving out seemed closer and closer to me already. It feels awesome and weird at the same time. Awesome because I can't believe I could achieve my target this year. Weird because I have yet to discuss this thoroughly with my mother. I'm doing all this searching behind her back and I wonder how best to talk it out to her. Although seeing that most of my elder cousins have moved out of their houses without moving out of state, and I do have some friends behind anxiously hoping to move to a better environment and we can share one unit together, and it so happens my friend DID find me somewhere else to stay that is of better environment, I think things are coming into place and it'll be terrific when it happens. Maybe this is what I need. Some peace and quiet away from the family. Plus it doesn't hurt to tell her the place I'm looking at has a swimming pool and gym...

June may be a lil draggy but it's very lovely when all this positive things come into place. It feels like Summer is working out for me after all, and I can look forward for better days to come instead of constantly hoping for a hopeless future here. Maybe I don't like my family at the moment and rather have fully equipped privacy in my quarters instead. Maybe I just have had enough. I hope I'm wrong though. I don't want to hate my family or anything, but lets just say it isn't too warm-hearted in a way.

See you guys in July. Thank you June for being such a lovely month.

Dry Prune

2011-06-19T15:03:00.002+08:00

I'm bored outta my wits and it's not fucking funny at all.

Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to doing that project. But I got so much free time, might as well do something right?

Oh well, who knows, maybe community gatherings will grow into me and I'll like it a lot. As long as things remain friendly and unpushy...

Happy Father's Day to everyone else anyways! If I got a dad now I probably will be out looking for dinner restaurants with him! Oh well! This is life!

Bye!

The Vodka Regrets

2011-05-31T18:01:00.004+08:00

So I screwed up.

So I want to explain what I was doing. But I can't be hear out. It's equally fatal apparently whether or not you have the malicious intent to ruin kinships.

People forget that you can't present the same truth equally to different people. You can, but let them judge you differently, or you don't, and let them see you differently. Some people don't need the whole truth because they're not related to it, yet you want to tell because you feel the need to rant, but some people deserve to hear the whole truth.

I made the mistake of even voicing out in the very first place, thus ruining whatever existential relationship I have had with the ex. From now on, it's a total clean cut from him and the close friends he had made. I haven't had the time to sift through the pros and cons of this, but it seems that if possible, my life has nothing to do with him and so is his life for mine. No more ex gossips, no more in between circle gossips, no more "so have you heard from our mutual friend the whale and the beaver?".

I'm still wondering what my other friend who was also in the mutual circle will do if she knew I took the stupid step. Will she side with them for justice, even though she wasn't familiar with what's going on nor is she that friendly with them but she'll do it anyway? Or will she keep it neutral, and know it is an eye for an eye, and certainly the friendship we made doesn't equal the punishment that I should have since it is none of her business? I ponder and wonder.

I will not provide a thousand apologies when I'm not even allowed to provide my explanation. My motto has always been, if I have to be wronged, go ahead and wrong me as much as you want. Cut me out of your life if you will. I may be in a state of sadness and desperation for losing a friend now but it didn't mean I will be stuck in this limbo forever. Will I be accused as a fraud or a bitch in the future? Sure, probably. But the same stands for them because they misunderstood my actions and does not give me the proper chance to make my stand or understand me.

So many others, have made even dire mistakes than I ever do and I can still find the heart to forgive them even though it took a really long time sometimes, but I hear them out before I even made that decision. It takes two to tango in this case. If they couldn't find any capacity in their heart then I have nothing to say. I did nothing so wrong that it'll scar my life forever. It's a regret for sure. But I've mentioned a few hundred times before that I wasn't sure if I'm supposed to be angry at the incident and I wanted advice and I wanted to know what was going on. Yet I was prosecuted for being an accuser because I could not present the whole truth unless it's spoken in private.

What can I do anyways? Just get sad for a few weeks and then move on after that. I'm desperate to leave this shithole anyway, what's with a few more cuts to make it an even better decision to get out of here? As for my friend who's closer to me while maintaining as the mutual friend to the rest? Well, it's up to her to decide. Frankly I think it's stupid to take such extreme measures and make her take sides when it really comes to the ultimate showdown. But if she has to do that, then I relinquish this idiotically "precious" position of "friend" if it lessens her headache.

I can't help but wonder if this is a form of revenge that seems to run on karmic proportions. On one hand, I had this bitch straining my previous relationship (no, she was not the deciding factor for me to leave it). On the other, I made a careless, reckless mistake onto someone else, only to be judged, prosecuted, persecuted, sent to expulsion before I had the chance to explain myself, saying that this is a good excuse to finally finally gotten the clean cut.

I'll be lying right now if I say I don't care what my image will be like. Of course I do, and plenty of hands will be there to twist it and make it worst if it ever can. Besides that, I regretted pouring my heart out again, that's why this time it hurts particularly bad. Otherwise, it should have been daisies even if it's not a bed of roses. I should have kept some things in the secret closet and I acted foolishly by blurting it out. Maybe some thing should not have been shared. But I can't do anything now, it's been like this, there's no time machine to reverse that decision.

But the biggest regret, is that I have to wonder why I get the same punishment like anyone else who made bigger mistakes than I have. And I have to sit back and reflect like a kid who have to stay on top of the table for getting caught once while the serial offenders who are experts just stayed quiet while they absorbed all the embarassment I let out.

Whatever happens, the month of May is gone. Perhaps the month of May is the month where I make dire mistakes and loose a few more preciousness in life. Otherwise I'll never steel up and get going. Never. I've also made the mistake thinking that I could've stayed friends with mutual friends of my ex no matter how close they are with the ex as long as they hear me out, but it came to a point where they will not and insist I was wrong. I also appreciate the fact that they have defended me in various situations but I think now they can openly label and call me a bitch, slut, whatever context in front of him for my wrongdoing even if my intentions were never sexual. Sigh.

What will the month of June be like? I don't know. I hate making predictions now that my life has been thrown into disarray yet again. Will it be the month that I can be forgiven? Will it be the month of discovering a new career path? Will it be the month where I move out? So many questions but nothing I can do to ease the pain of the continuous questions in my head.

Lastly, this will be a very long shot because this blog is nearly hidden in piles now and I doubt it'll be read by them, ever. But I'm very sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did because I'm standing my ground to say: That was NEVER meant to destroy your relationship or cast doubts in our friendship and I was under the influence of alcohol. But I'm sorry for all the hurt that you must have gone through, or listening to all the "accusations" I've been telling people apparently (even though I specify that I'm NOT SURE myself), and possibly almost ruining other people's friendship with yours. I'm just glad to get out of there, thus stopping anymore related discussion from continuing, because I don't linger on and on like some other bitch we both know. Was it shame? Yes, possibly, shame's a very sneaky feeling that you can only reveal to a certain number of people while worrying that everything will be heard by the wrong people after that.

To myself, this will probably be a really good lesson never to allow me near anything with the name vodka. No more. I did the stupidest things under the influence of that wretched thing, twice. I'm sticking to gulping beers until I find another alcohol expert, politely reminding them to keep me away from vodka before I vomit, had bleedy throats, and blood-drained faces on them. I still get nightmares remembering my own face.

With this confession of regret, I can now poke fun at myself and slowly close up the wounds. It takes time to heal of course. Hopefully the next post, will be of something fun.

I'm Not Angry

2011-05-23T18:27:00.002+08:00

I should be angry when things happen to me, but I'm not.

At times when I shouldn't be angry, I am.

This has been happening for the past month or so after my work-home balance is tipped off, well, not by much, since I was crazily working when I was with that company. Urgh.

One friend said nasty things during a Facebook chat which I got an apology from after telling him properly about what I felt, then he abandons me in Langkawi due to unresolved issues that I don't think I can help with. I was angry, but not angry enough to confront him nor demand an apology. Worst, I relay it to a friend about that incident, and she thinks it's pretty laughable how a girl who grew up in an urban environment could be so indecisive when it comes to asking for a friend's company even if he was in pain or whatever. And again, I felt this momentary surge of anger when I heard that statement that was quickly deflated, I suspect, with the beer I'm drinking and the nachos I'm eating.

I'm just not angry enough. And I know I'm very destructive when I'm angry. So, with many years of practise and patience, somehow I'll just let it slide, only to just mildly poke at them again to get a very mild apology in return.

Maybe she was right, if I was angry maybe I should've showed it to him and as a city girl, perhaps I should have declared or demand for company. The only problem is I don't think I know him enough to make such demands, and honestly, I already got it covered, just sad that this happened, and I don't even get to say goodbye to him properly.

That's not to say I have none of these emotions. I do. I bottle them up till it explodes, or when something that really mattered to me triggered and I blow up, crying or yelling at people. Lately though, these bottled emotions seemed to have a leakage, it'll leak slowly that I just don't do the explosive emotive expression anymore. What for? Who am I showing it to? And really, do we need another angry individual around when every idiot who wants to show theirs have already did their part in annoying the world already?

The bottomline is, just because I don't look angry or that I don't make a big action out there that will hurt or excite people it doesn't mean I'm someone without emotions. The easiest way is just mute and let things pass.

But perhaps it's time I do a little change. Maybe I should take charge about something. But what is it? I don't know yet.

Amazement

2011-04-24T10:42:00.005+08:00

I'm to be unemployed in a week.

I thought I was going to feel very sad and discouraged by the fact that I will not be in the job market very very soon, until today.

Quite a few people knew I was quitting already. Bla bla bla, and this person (not the employer), we just have some empty chats, until he told me there will be a new writer filling my place after I was gone.

My first thought was sadness because I was to be replaced. Never thought he found anyone so soon. Heck, who would be in my position to be tortured anyway?

And then I realised something: Someone else is being the sucker. I wonder how long he or she will last.

I have to say lasting 9 months in a job with very little pay, no sense of job security, and an increasingly annoying hypocrite as the employer is a serious achievement. My friends were right, it was like a part time job. I just come and go from home.

I used to go to the office until I found out it's pretty hopeless being there. The hypocrite just goes in for the first few months for image's sake and then left me to fend for myself. I don't know about others but I do believe as an editor, people have to work TOGETHER.

A couple of unhappy events later and I finally blasted him for his hypocrisy when dealing with personal events and my stuff. I still have yet to hear an apology from him but not that it mattered. I've also yet to talk about the things he did to me in public other than those that are obvious. After all, he's the immature and childish one to post ugly things on social media and make people comment on them rather than confronting the person itself. Rather than trying to understand the person this hypocrite rather come up with his own conclusions because it's "faster that way".

I'm amazed actually. On one hand the hypocrite taught me a lot of things early on when I was still naive and new, but on the other hand decides to fuck things up by being mean, rude and such a hypocrite for no reason at all. It's up to the point where he tackles issues with rudeness and sacarsm, clearly portraying himself as a biased person even in publications.

I understand that one should be biased, but not to the point of using your position to continue propagate the bias. You want to be biased? Be a columnist, don't abuse your position. Urgh.

Bottomline, I'm not sad about leaving. Good riddance. Maybe I can get out of where I'm staying soon enough with this miserable burden coming to an end =)

Stand By Me

2011-04-01T04:08:00.002+08:00

I'm in one of those empty moments again, that I need to seriously blog it out before I can resume work.

I know, at 4am, what sort of work can I complete eh? Unfortunately, I've been stuck, stuck with my own emotions that I think I need to clear it, before I resume doing anything.

Curiousity got the better of me today. I went to look at Wil Wheaton (yes, THAT Wil Wheaton. Star Trek, The Big Bang Theory, yada yada) and his journal. Something about thanking his mates on a tour he went to. Curiousity got the better of me, and I began scrolling back to his previous entries. I liked his writings, it was personal and not too intelligently demeaning towards people. He writes just like you and me, and doesn't present anything too judgmental.

He wrote about appearing on this 25th anniversary of Stand By Me as it was being prepared for a blu-ray release. He talked about, finally reuniting with his cast and crew. And how for the first time, he felt true great grief and loss, as he spoke about River Phoenix.

As soon as I finish reading that article, my heart shattered. It was like having this instant emptiness engulfing me. I frantically shared the link on my Tumblr and Facebook, hoping to trigger a response from someone, anyone, who felt the nostalgia. And then, I tried to remember what Stand By Me, the film, looked like. I've definitely watched the film before. I cannot forget that leech scene and the ending song, which to this day, remains one of my favourite, and the reason why I hated Sean Kingston the day he released his first single ripping that bloody song off.

And I saw how Wil talked about River, and I could feel the honesty in that man, as he tries to describe his friendship, even though the feelings were suppressed for close to 18 years (River died at 1993). I truly felt the loss of River Phoenix. Even now, I could almost picture him doing movies from the range of Johnny Depp or Robert Downey Jr, people who were once lost but are capable to find themselves by emerging victorious again in this age. Not to mention that he was born with the good looks, just like RDJ. I could almost see them starring in a really smart, witty, heartwarming film already. Sigh. Sorry, I digressed.

But I guess the biggest loss, and why did I felt this really big heavyweight on my chest, is because I think I missed my dad again. If I remember correctly, he introduced Stand By Me to little me. I definitely remember him trying to teach me how to sing that song. He loved that song a lot, so did my mother I guessed. But my father has always been the kind of person who introduces me new things without trying to corrupt my mind, so to speak.

He introduced me to some lovely music from the 80s and the 90s, which made me a lover for older songs even though that decade has passed. Far too long I kept that suppressed due to unspoken reasons. I think it's just natural for a person to just suppress everything, because life just have to move on. Time does not wait for those who cried too much on their loss.

But, lately, I've unlocking memories again. I've started listening to songs from the 80s and 90s, watching the Grammys performances again, and sometimes I felt a sharp pain at the corner of my head as if I lost my memories and I just regained them. My friend reckoned I merely suppressed it so deep down, that the sudden yank of the memories will be painful to anyone.

No sudden death is easy to take in, even if it has passed for 10 years. This is the 10th year since my dad died suddenly due to a heart attack. Gosh, Time passed so much. I'm no longer 13, I'm no longer responsible for caretaking, and I'll soon embark on my own journey.

I wondered how the Phoenix family were, to have their baby taken away from them and feel the sadness again and again because his death was so tragic. I've seen his picture in the coffin so many times, but today, it was the first time, I truly saw the ugliness of his death, much like my own father's. Sometimes I wished I was never there, I wished I never tried resuscitating him. I wished, I just stood there like a dumbfuck and cry my eyes out, instead I touched his cold body with my hands and I tried again and again to do something, but, it never happened. He was out cold, and having a tinge of blue appearing over his face (as how I remembered it). After that, till today, I have a phobia of touching my loved ones who are dead. Others have no problem telling grandma to rest in peace as they touched her forehead when she passed on; I thought twice before doing it, but I did it anyway. She don't deserve this, since it is my own phobia to counter.

I guess to relate this two stories together seemed far-fetched. But believe me, that one movie brought out a lot in me. I have not been crying, but it definitely distracted me enough to remember what was it like to have a dad before this. Ten years without a father taught me so many life lessons, it's no wonder we, as his children, all turned out different than how my mother intended us to be. None of us, are who we are 10 years ago when that fateful day occured. He was not perfect, he never claimed to be, only that my mother wanted so much from him. But, much as he gave my family plenty of pain and unhappiness while he was alive, he was also the radical one who taught me the most about life, politics and music.

I owe it to him that I have explored to what extent of a chameleon I can be, how to behave in front of different people, and how never to ask help from anyone even if I'm doomed to be alone. I was bullied when I was younger and I always cannot bear being alone that's why I don't like having no friends. After not having him around, being alone became something I'm accustomed to.

I owe this to him. I owe this introduction to the coming of age adventure of four young children to my father, for showing me this beautiful movie and song. I'll never forget the happy days when life felt like it can be simpler. Because it was worth it. I've kept quiet before because friends used to say how naive I was, but I think with this naivety is a living proof that I was there, learning through the process, and just being plain happy. But instead, lately, being happy is becoming a learning process for me because I'm no longer a naturally happy person. If I could go back to the time when I could smile at any time of the day just because I felt like it, I would. And this movie, is part of that memory.

As I hear the song again and again, this time, I could feel my dad around. I know he wasn't there to pick me up from the shadows or guide me out of the mess. He's just looking at me. He knows I could do it without him.

Dad, I owe everything I learnt, to you.

"If the sky we look upon

Should tumble and fall

And the mountains should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry, No I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me"

-Ben E. King, Stand By Me

Grasp

2011-03-31T01:18:00.002+08:00

Clench, relax. Grip, relax. Struggle, relax. Stretch, relax. Clinch, relax. Claw, relax. Touch, relax. Wriggle, relax. Crack, relax. Reach, relax. Out of reach. Ventilate. Getting further. Hyperventilate. Unreachable. Claw protuding. Aiming. Relax, failed. Claw aiming, at neck. Marking. Scratch. Tear. Pull. Blood showing. Nerves reacting. Pain. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Claw stops. Look down. Bloodsoaked. Last Breath. Lifeless. Invisible hand. Grasps life. Slipped. Heavens sighed.

Banterful rant

2011-03-24T05:37:00.004+08:00

I remembered the time I whipped out my Blackberry, only to take a black and white picture of the side of the swimming pool while my media camp friends were enjoying the time of their lives.

I whipped it out again just to have a look, just to post it on my Tumblr, with the quotes "I missed the time before I know my entire life is about to change".

I seriously had no idea that it will give me such an impact in my life, months and months after that media camp happened. A year ago, at this time, I'm rushing my thesis, my final year project. Now, I'm rushing through my articles, which piled up when I were into a complete blur and only occasionally writing my stuff and deciding, sentence by sentence, how it's going to sound like.

The transitions I have were just buzz crazy. First, an infathomable crush on Patrick Stump, then it switched to James Franco, then to John Frusciante (oh I really lust for young John Frusciante!! The time before he succumbed to heroin and emerged again, awesome and musically talented. So youthful, so handsome, so age compatible!!!), and now bouncing off and balancing between Thom Yorke, Florence and the Machine, and Muse. Every musical discovery is a discovery for me. And before I know it, I'm now a sucker for non-mainstream music that you probably CANNOT find in mainstream radio (Hate you, Malaysian radio. Yay for BFM, especially its 33RPM segment. I Love Rock!)

It is also these times that I actually spend so much time alone, in front of the computer, just cruising in the interwebs, searching for songs after songs, and occasionally doing my work, or even catching movies alone. I've been rejecting my friends' invitation to meet up and have some socialising fun. From telling them I was busy (I was, until recently), to finally just saying "Y'know, I'm kinda comfortable being alone at the moment. I'd like this to keep on until my job's over. Lets try meeting up once I've quit my job,"

I know I'm abit like a loner at the moment. Doing everything on my own, hating my mom for her nagging (and negative conversation starters. It's like she can't say something nice for us to respond). I think I'm scaring plenty of people off. And I've become secluded from Facebook and more active on Twitter only because of one person. Well, I don't have to see that person anymore after I'm done with this bullshit. Looking forward to that.

I wonder how different my life would be really. Did I miss the ex? I can't tell. I've stopped listening to songs we used to listen to after I've been bouncing off the more indie music scene (which, by the way, isn't a solo effort >_> I have a lot of prompting from another friend). Do I yearn for a comforting hug or someone who'd be there for me at 5 or 6am in the morning while I do my work? Yes, sometimes.

There's no denying to that. And of course, I did express jealousy to my friends who were able to bounce back to the dating scene so quick after their break up, but I guess bouncing back so fast isn't really my style. Not because I'm not over the relationship, just, I don't know, nothing clicked, nothing clicked between me and the other guy. Although there was this one chance for me to get to know more guys and I blew it by saying I had to have dinner at home. Sigh. But I was, at that time, still a little confused following the death of my grandmother of what my direction is, that I'd rather holed up at this place called "home" than go out to meet new boys who can be my potential partner.

Previously, my grandmother was supposed to be the reason I want to get out of here. And now that she's gone, it was a better reason to get out. Not because I loathe doing house chores around now that my maid's gone (On the contrary, it stopped my mother from talking shit about me not helping around anymore), but, it's that emptiness felt in the house. I'm talking about, a house that used to fill 7 to 8 people because my mother wants her parents to stay with us from the day I was born. And slowly, one by one, from my father, to grandfather, to grandmother, they left us, and now it's just the four of us + one cousin.

Is this a good reason for me to venture out and find my own career direction, not to mention getting a better fulfilment of my life? I'd say, hells yea, finally I can get my private space and all that crap I've been yearning for. Am I scared shitless about taking that first step? Yes, yes, definitely. I don't like the idea of throwing all my money down the drain without even checking how deep that drain is. I'd still like to pick my money up from the drain thank you very much, even if I did decide to throw it in, in the very first place.

Life isn't easy these days. In fact, life is fucking confusing. But I don't have anyone to share it with. Who'd understand? Who is in that same state of confusion? And I don't feel like listening to irrelevant banter about how I can stand up again and face the obstacles, like I've did again and again and again. Lets face it, it ain't the year 2001, when it looked obvious that I suffered more than the rest of people my age because my dad died. It's the year 2011 now. Every single person has their own shit to bear, it's not like my shit's any worse than theirs. I love my friends for trying to free up space so that I'm considered an important element in their lives, but thanks and no thanks. I know how you need to live yours. You don't have to worry about me. Like I said, I was pretty much good being alone. I have music as my company.

In my Tumblr blog, I mentioned on how I might find happiness by attending MGMT's concert. But now I'm not sure if that will happen anymore. Who am I kidding when I tell people I might find potential boyfriends just by being there alone? Who am I kidding really? My music inclination's been the joke of my family because it's "freaking weird", because I've been doing things alone (well I used my money, what the fuck they want?). SIGH!

Of course I've been dreaming about it, on and off, of seeing this boy I really like, preferably a mixed, with earrings and tattoos and a perfect smile. He must like me for me, and we can talk about music, movies, art all day long. He must be able to speak Mandarin and Cantonese because I'd like to speak that language once in awhile. He won't diss my politics, in fact, he's active in current issues and we'd spend all day just debating about policies and debunking each other's misconceptions about something. He'd also be sly in making his appearances, and just giving me surprises day by day, and I'd return the favour by writing different styles of notes telling him how much I yearn being with him. He'll be a humble man who doesn't mind showing off his talents. It'd be good if he has some John Frusciante traits. I'd squeal!!!

That said, dreams are sometimes just pleasant endorphins released to the brain to make me feel really good. I noticed that every time I want something, God just gives it to me either very late, or it was the opposite. And yes, again, true, God, I did not go to the MGMT concert to meet boys. It was to have fun with the music and just hang out and head bang to their psychedelic goodness. Which reminds me: Two Days Left! Yay! Will I get any happy endings? I don't know, will let you know if my John Frusciante + James Franco + Patrick Stump showed up yea?

Am I happy with my self-discovery? Yes, so far so good. At least, I'm happy. Confused as fuck, but happy. Tremendously happy in fact, that I get to go on this journey, and alone this time. That I can finally emerged from hiding under the shadows of somebody else. That I'm now considered an equal individual, and not labelled as "so and so's girlfriend".

I think this is what I'm afraid of. What if, by dating again, he overshadows my taste for music, movies and art? Will I let the future partner do it like what I let my ex did to me? I doubt it. This time I'd stood my ground and say "listen to the fucking radio. There's no 'your song selections' or 'my song selections' when we're in the car". I'd be fucking lucky if I get someone my age who likes rock in this day and age. Seriously.

But then and again, as I listen to young John Frusciante strumming "Under the Bridge", I'm reminded of the innocence of us youths, that we can do anything possible under the roof, that we lived and let live. That the continuous dynamics shifting from one interest to another so fast, poof, another decade gone and we did not realised the changes until much later.

That, usually at this time, when schoolchildren prepare to go to school. I'm still wide awake, finding my life's direction. I'm yearning, yearning for a sign for me to keep on going my path I believed in, even though I can't make out that path just yet. At least the discovery has been fun so far.

Till the next verbal diarrhea kick in, I wish all my well wishers a happy and satisfying life. I know you're worried. Don't worry, I'm well. I just need the alone time, the reflective time, to really skewer my life choices. Eitherway though, my mistakes were beautiful, because if it wasn't for those mistakes, I wouldn't be the person you know.

Off Switch

2011-03-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

I wished there was one, to turn off my emotions, my animosities, my doubts, my long standing issue with work.

I have feelings too. And it's been affecting me. From a crazy follower of an actor I switched to listen to all those music I used to love to a point of addiction, developing withdrawal symptoms from it. Like I'm on crack. I guess I'm not kidding when I said before music is my drug.

I just drew a mock picture of a woman in distress. Not much, just a head with hairs, and two hands cupping the face. Surrounding her are the words "Shit", "Hurt", "Pain", "Depression". I just need to vent it out. I've got a headache developing. It's tiring arguing with some idiot who don't know he's the cause of it, and thinking, it's my domestic affairs. FUCK OFF will you, you sickening, narcissistic, thinking that you know it all, arrogant, fictitious BASTARD!

I just can't cope. I mean, it's easy to take a few hours off to not think about it, but you want to permanently shut it off. I know I have to leave.

Sometimes I think I'm a failure, and sometimes I think I'm like this because I don't dare to speak out. Well, now I did, and now I kept wondering what are my repercussions.

I'm glad, that I did, speak out, against that idiot. Whether or not he dismisses my outburst as a one time thing, I don't care. I did it. I'm proud of it.

The toughest thing now is how to express that pent up emotion inside. Crying wasn't helping. I couldn't even cry save for that few tears.

I don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't need help. Maybe I just hate being alone. Maybe I just cannot negotiate. I'm terrible at speaking to people because I always think I'll offend people, and then they cannot accept my views. My past is what traumatised me to unable myself to speak.

I even turned the music volume down now, because I can't cope with the loud noise. It's like a distant echo behind my head, the songs. If there were, stimulants, to bring me to fantasyland right now, it'd be perfect.

Well, time's up. I need to get back down to reality, slowly.

I really wish I have an off switch

Transition

2011-02-26T17:41:00.002+08:00

I came back from organising, possibly, one of the last funerals I'll be seeing for the next few years to come. My grandmother finally passed on after a few difficult months.

Personally it is a transition for me. For one, I can finally live my own life. For the past decade, I've been living partially for another person, whether it is for grandfather and grandmother, or to help out with both. Well, I guess it's about time I make my own career work, or make my life work. I no longer crave staying here. I want to venture out even if I might suffer from bruises.

I've also changed, by placing a verbal warning on Facebook to those who lack the need to respect themselves after some major serious case of attention seeking examples, so I won't be too friendly if any of them tried to mess around with me.

I guess that's it. Patrick Stump's "Truant Wave" is distracting me and pushing his message of love. I'm also bedazzled by James Franco's stunning appeal.

Will talk more next time.

Snippets of Virtual Memo

2011-02-17T10:38:00.002+08:00

I'd like to tell my future employers: What you see on Facebook sometimes does not reflect my work integrity. If that is an indication of who I am, then I'm sorry to say this, but seriously, either Go Fuck Yourselves, or I will not approve your friend request at all.

My definition of Facebook was a private space for me to do my crazy things, not for you to look at what time I posted THAT shit and then berate me for posting that and not hand up work (might I add, there was no real deadline to my work other than the real deadline in which I posted almost nothing). And to those of you wondering "Oh, you bad bad worker! You must have posted links and all that during your work time," Fuck you guys. I don't post it during work hours. So if I work for 24 hours my Facebook page will have to be void of any material I want to share for 24 hours?

I don't blame you if you want to use your Facebook page as a means of networking, but seriously, most young people do NOT use their Facebook for network purposes. To us, it is a virtual personal page of ourselves, sometimes purely constructed for public view, like how mine turn out to be. If you judge me based on my Facebook, and not on actual work I put out, then seriously, you shouldn't be an employer, you're just another Facebook addict turned psychologist wannabe.

And I approved your stupid friend request partly because I thought you are a little more sincere in trying to be a friend than an employer. I thought and believed you know how to differentiate between private and public discourse. But like most employers who don't know how to do it, they just don't. I admire those who do know when to keep their mouths shut when they see something on Facebook and not immediately judge me.

If this keeps going, I may have to delete you my "friend". You're nothing more than somebody desparate for attention to me, first by the mass tags, and then by all these messages you send to me about work, not to mention your public feuds which is NOT something I want to read at all. Geez get over it, somebody publicises their grouches, big deal, if we have to revenge on everybody we'll have a ball.

(Everybody starting to realised I'm addressing only one employer. While that may be true, I'm hoping this holds true for future employers as well after this.)

Trippy Happy. Fuck Yeah. Fall Hard.

2011-02-08T16:42:00.003+08:00

I get happy so easily these days.

Just a picture, music, some cup of brownish goodness whether it's iced chocolate or iced coffee. I smile so easily, it's infectious that people look at me, smile, and instantly smile back.

Damn, I'm like that happy kiddy Chuckles the Clown from Toy Story 3 who's actually mopey and sad inside because I definitely don't look like a trippy happy kid.

Then again, maybe I should just embrace it. It's easy to show someone your happy face, then to explain the sorrows you go through, only to be snubbed at and said "your problem's just the smallest shit I've ever heard in my life,". Okay, some might not put it that way but I'm just saying.

"Time to suck it up and take it like an adult," a friend used to say. No point moping about it to people, lest you want to be remembered as an annoyance amongst a bunch of people who are not familiar with you in the first place.

Nowadays, my stressful moments are easily elevated with reading and looking through the amazing things that people share on Tumblr. Nah, not Facebook, eww, my personal circle sometimes just lack the taste of sharing artsy moments, and sometimes it's purely to avoid my current employer, since his imagination can run wild just based on what I post on Facebook.

I've seen awesome Malaysians who shared the same kind of perverted energy (ehehehehehe) and inspiring articles which truthfully, opened up my mind more than any reading material I've found in Malaysia. Some quirky little things that are shared by my current favourite American musician, Patrick Stump, on his thoughts about fashion, animation, some a capella videos (I love it when you do the "Scream" part of the Michael Jackson a capella!). Just recently I've found Wil Wheaton, whom I don't really remember from Star Trek The Next Generation DESPITE it being one of the more memorable TV series that I've watched and only recently seen him in The Big Bang Theory, his quotes, writings equally leave me grabbing for more of his stuff.

I love it when they say Tumblr is based in New York, because to me, New York is like the city of art that I'd like to go through, not really LA. I guess I prefer metropolitans than glitzy glamourous beachside.

Stupid imaginative things like these made my day at these time and age. My mind always go through "media explosion" every time I go through Tumblr. I love love love all the talented and artsy shit that goes through there.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I gotta admit, I wish I was dating. No, not serious relationship-esque dating. But, dating, just, meeting someone, chat with him, hit off with electric sparks, that kind of shit.

But as Malaysians we, tend to err, view dating as serious business after awhile, and wants to get serious so there will be a demand of "will you be committed with me or not?".

Mine started off like that actually, we don't set any ground rules, except for mine which is no soft toys and flowers yada yada yada, and before I know it four years gone by. I was supposed to celebrate the fourth year this year, but, ah heck, I broke it off because when it's time to be committed, it cannot be.

My choice of men have been faltering between the talented, intelligent to the super talented and super intelligent. Of course, we all do, mine's more focused on people who excel in art, like, theatre, drawings, music, writings, movies. So I'm not just drawn to Patrick Stump (who really, really captured my eye after his hiatus from Fall Out Boy. And no, I was never Pete Wentz' fangirl), James Franco, Brendon Urie, Conor Knighton (yum), maybe a little bit of Mark Zuckerberg but not much since I don't know him well enough. Eye candies, err, pretty much everywhere, but real talented eye candies, tough to find, tough to gain followers, and really really easy to chew on. Mmm.

I can see why some girls are turn on to Julian Assange. The cyberpunk of the Internet. Despite how he looks, he draws in an odd charisma that probably set some girls off. I've read the leaked testimonials and police reports and I feel that the two girls he met were not stupid girls. They are just not. And the fact is, men and women need some sort of sexual relationship just that you just don't stay committed to each other for further prospects like marriage.

So yes, I don't appreciate being in this side of the continent where dating can mean serious business, sometimes I just want to be involved in purely "play with hearts, don't take into heart" kind of dates. Maybe I've yet to find my path to a good prospective target to move, or that I'm too slow in reading some messages guys tend to give out.

And sometimes, just purely letting my brain right lobe do the tricks and I'm falling into a pool of imagination where I wish I was canoodling with the kind of guy I want to meet. It may sound pathetic, but judging from my line of work and the kind of guys I meet and don't meet? I'd say it's pretty plausible to let me go wild in imagination instead of docilely waiting for some dude to pass by.

Fuck yeah.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I wish I wasn't here. In this country.

Not for the reasons everyone's thinking. I don't plan to migrate. I just want to work in another country for the experience.

True, I may get the some kind of experience here. I have been, just by working in a small newspaper. But I hate it. I hate that, everytime there's a conversation, people will talk about their experience overseas, and how they are heartened and humbled by those experiences, that they decide to bring it back to Malaysia.

I'd really loved that, an experience abroad, and with it, the capability of bringing it back to Malaysia. I can't do it from the small turf of my home.

Call me petty and unreasonable, but you try churning out good stuff living in a house ranging from the old to the sick to the noisy to the young who can't seem to use his legs now that both his sisters are driving. And unfortunately I can't even rent a freaking room all by myself with the kind of pay I'm getting. Maybe I aspire to go outstation. I really hate it when I'm in a family structure where I can't talk it out with the elders without getting cynical or sacarstic feedbacks from them. They are not supportive. Sigh, I guess venturing on my own seem like a good choice.

I don't know how I feel it, but recently some people are kind of purposely trying to seek an argument with me by being nasty and snide for no reason at all. What the fuck mate. I'd get it if you have a valid reason, but if you snub me just because you like it I swear, you won't like me by the time I'm done saying all the truthful shit about you.

I've been rising and falling hard. It's like, something is trying to tell me, I really cannot be here. I'm not meant to stay in Subang Jaya, and honestly? I don't want to be here again unless I get to buy my own residential spot in Subang Jaya.

I don't know, maybe I'm tired of staying with my mother or with a bunch of people when I don't get privacy (I've been talking about it too many times). Unlike many Malaysians who are okay with that, I'm just tired. Tired, sick of the everyday drama. And her obligatory "diss the eldest child" movement still stands strong every Chinese New Year. Why do parents do that? Seriously?

And no, don't tell me to talk to her, I have, and it doesn't register in her, so be it. I need to go.

I'm just waiting for the right time to. And until then, I'll still be rising and falling hard in this little career. But it's okay.

Because if you fall, you better fall really hard, remember the pain, remember the frustration, remember how much humiliation you go through just to secure a person for a story. I have, and I'm partially immuned when someone throws me an accusation. I said partially, because I still fight back when someone tries to be nasty when I'm not in the mood to entertain them.

Superficial boredom

2011-02-01T03:13:00.003+08:00

I have this monster pile of boredom on my chest that I need to slowly dissolve lest I get stoned to death by its hideousness.

I love my R&Rs. Just simply amazing, but I have no mood to look for excitement. I'm just simply consuming whatever information's on to me, while silently following the updates on Egypt, and patiently waiting for The Daily Show be uploaded on the web.

I think I lost the knack for writing at the moment. I'm just doing plenty of mumble jumble until I got my sense of tracking back. It must be all that late nights and article writing that's gotten me numb.

Two things excite me at the moment. 1) MGMT!!!! and I'm going to see them in Kuala Lumpur, 2) err...just finding awesome songs that are NOT often found in Malaysia grrr. Oh and one extra credit goes to Patrick Stump for delighting my life with his little entries into his blog *hearts*.

I always have this little happy feeling inside everytime I feel that my life was going fine. Like, the kind of "omg omg omg I love me so much!!". Yea, that fall in love with yourself kind of feel and it really perks you up and make you go into what you love to do.

Strangely, I'm not that hyped up over Chinese New Year. I didn't even manage to buy a new clothing. To be fair, I have yet to wear one new clothing that I bought last year and there's no need for unnecessary spending. The fatigue over work and all that kind of gotten me tamer and think less about the what-ifs and resentment over my relatives, unlike the last few years.

And the weather? Oh so gooood, although I might want to add that last year it was a rainy Chinese New Year as well. I sure hope this is a good luck charm. I'm kinda sick of seeing bad luck happening to me over and over, especially with my car. Argh, the repair costs that kept showing up....very very pricey....

Oh and one more would be, probably a change of job, but I still haven't found the courage to get out. Shit. I need to get out, move out, but at the same time I'm scared like a bitch because I'll be doing it alone with no family. Then again, that's what everybody goes through right? Right, let me try and dig out my gut and then lets proceed. Also, can someone recommend me an awesome job?

Alright I have enough of ranting. See you when the next monster pile comes in.

Fickle

2011-01-21T00:03:00.002+08:00

I've made a decision not to treat myself so seriously in terms of Internet presence per se. Pretty much a self-discovery for me after a few turns of looking at my Twitter, Facebook, Blog and Tumblr. Bear with me here, I'm going to talk about this self-discovery and the good thing about it. It's narcissistic.

In 2006, the purpose of me having this channel was to "let my views be known". Of course, that was back in the days when socio-political stances are pretty strong and when people actually opened up the blog for a reason.

I treated myself so seriously at that time, shaping myself as a "anonymous" character that cares about the current events of the world. The youth who is not apolitical or apathetic. I've made some pretty good arguments, not strong (I'm never extreme), but reasonable enough to allow people to accept my views. Of course, after that I began to engage in some arguments (over the internet) with other "bloggers" per se, and got cheesed off when they kept harping on the same issue over and over again without looking at us (hey hey, hello, I just put my comment there, maybe if you bothered to read it you get my point???)

I guess as a student I was bored and passionate enough, having all the time in the world to care about what's going on with the universe.......bear with me here, imaginative cue on......that I would be the voice of my own, to sound off the adults, to lay some serious bombs over their pretentious claims, to double up as a media shield and called myself the fighter of media freedom. Not to mention that my views were so huge, friends read my blog, they praised it; if they don't like it, they'll make a comment down there, providing with me arguments. All in a day's work of a blogger.

Now here's the thing.

I started the phase called "growing up", and in that phase I started become concerned with things like, privacy, offence. I used to be very critical of The Star for their many mistakes and intentional bias to the ruling party, so much that I'd posted the links and then laughed at them on Facebook. I happened to have one Facebook friend who was working there and I was always hoping it'll trigger a response and then hopefully they'll start caring about what public views are about their newspaper.

But the fact is, most people will still carry on that kind of policy, and the only way out of it is to get out of the newspaper and work somewhere else. Strange, harsh reality I've learnt that is not something lecturers or classmates bother to tell you unless you seek consultation with them. And I began to wonder if these thoughts are necessary to be put online. What more, when my own Facebook circle started to widen and more people are looking into my profile. It's no longer a friend circle, but one network filled with lecturers, friends, people who add me because they've seen me in work, many.

And slowly, but surely, I withdraw my opinions and thoughts, merely placing all the things that made me, me. Kooky stuff like funny URLs, sharing articles, or just plain talking about my feelings. But no more on what I thought about politics, or the media, or things that really concerned me.

You may say, I've turned fickle-minded in the presence of the Internet. I still talk about it in private, and unfortunately not many people is capable of talking to me in the same way anymore. Since I've no longer have a boyfriend, I guess everything I say falls on deaf ears. Some times I acted like a real bimbo and just talk about what everyone talks about. Movies, music, because who's going to listen to my unnecessary nagging of politics? Hell, I haven't had time to read through all the political analysis to make a good judgement out of a political issue compared to my times as a student.

Here's the reason why I think I turn fickle-minded. Bear in mind, it's just my theory.

1) The existence of old people in the Internet. I always think that is a good reason why I suddenly despised the Internet. It's enough I have the old people nagging about their theories when I'm home, I have to listen to some bunch of old people terrorising the Internet with their incessant behaviour? Yes, I do realised that having more Internet penetration to a wider crowd is a good thing and you give the old people something else to do. Maybe I'm a populist but the sudden new age group crowding the Internet kind of put me off guard. Especially when I see friends who cursed on Facebook, only to get their mother's sounding, inside Facebook! Geez. Luckily I only have relatives with me so far, but even then I've toned down a lot compared to early days of Facebook where I cursed like no business.

2) Because even if you consider your comment as something serious, someone else don't. Too many times I tried to play the "mature" game and came out with a reasonable comment, only to have some mindfuck (doesn't matter male or female) that decides to trash your comment by insulting you just because they think it's funny to see people going angry over them. Sometimes it's the bloggers themselves that are pretty unreasonable. A valid argument's there, they don't want to read it, and then proceed to argue with me again about how they're right. Sigh, I'd rather keep those comments to myself. And again, back to self reflection, I realised throughout the years the "maturity" personality just wouldn't do. People love bimbos and himbos. No point taking myself so seriously, when no one will right?

3) One word. Work. It took out too much of my time that I will not make any comments on current events unless I've read up on all the articles relevant to it because I don't want to make bad judgments.

And one thing, I noticed that when Malaysians go on the internet, they want to relax and catch up on news. Two things will definitely sell: One, Relevant News, Two, the Funnies. So where does political opinion come in?

Err, way back in 2008 when it was relevant. With the new ways of communication, and when everyone wants to have a say, everything's saturated and indeed, no longer fun to read unless he or she is a politician relevant. No, I don't even read celebrities, or fake celebrities, they are the worst with spitting out irrelevant information that I don't care about.

So what does it leave me in the Internet arena? Back to doing what young people do best, fickle-minded people who think of food, getting drunk, in love with music or sex all the time. My work persona was for my boss to see, my friend persona for my friends, my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr persona for different purposes of my Internet journey. No longer concentrating on just "blogging", I guess it's all a standstill. Until a time when I'm needed to put on my matured self on board again, I'm laying it to rest.

So sorry if you expected something like a commentary of a current issue since I'm now a journalist. I guess it's getting harder to even talk about it while being in the media itself.

Questions from my ignorance

2011-01-13T01:53:00.003+08:00

Would it kill you to be a little less nosy?

Would it kill you if you know a little less about your country and more about your self?

Would it really be that serious if you care a little less about other people's efforts and concentrate on supporting your own?

Is it really such a big deal to keep studying when you can't even keep track of your daily life?

Why are you acting like there is necessity to forgo better chances for principles when you have so little money?

Pfft, are you serious? You act like this know-it-all, why don't you stop faking that and just do what you really like without a care of what the world thinks?

You like art, you dance with music like no business, you don't stick to one music genre, and you like skipping from one track to another, so? enjoy it la

Contributions are for the noble. You're not noble. You're this selfish little goon who wants to gain a little bit of name for the things you do. You're not noble at all.

Stop comparing. You're not them.

If you care less about the country, surely the country will still be functioning right?

Can you stop pretending like you have the ultimate tools of the trade when you barely even succeeded?

Can you also stop pretending like you can mingle around when you really hate human interactions and rather hide in that shell of yours?

Also, can you now go to freaking sleep? You don't have to stay up and be part of the world to show how much you've contributed.

*Disclaimer: No, don't answer these questions for me. It's my ignorance talking to me and it's been nagging for some time. Letting it out would probably allow me reflect and reposition how I should think. I've been caring about other people's feelings for too long, that my ignorance is telling me negative things. And yes, I do speak as if I'm talking to my other self. It's important to have these conversations before I turn truly cuckoo. Faking insanity is better than the real one.

Yea I think I should say something about 2011

2011-01-08T12:03:00.003+08:00

Bottomline is : God did not give me my last 2 weeks of quietness in 2010. It gave me plenty of hells to deal with. But, fireworks was awesome.

Slowing dealing with them one by one. Nope, no longer on relationships. Something far worse.

Might open up Tumblr. But not losing my Blogspot roots, just that my sporadic random moments of quotes is something I want to express on a mini-blog than on a long Blogspot and not get limited to 140 characters aka Twitter. Plus the idea that no comments is allowed in my post? Totally awesome.

See you in the next round. Sorry, been really busy and not willing to comment on the thing that's worst than my break-up.

Toodles

So Help Me God

2010-12-20T17:51:00.003+08:00

Christmas time is coming. Everyone's embarking on a blissful happy journey to welcome the end of the year, to reflect on its happenings, and be happy to receive many many presents for the next few days to come.

Dear God, I was really trying to be happy. I was trying and trying and it's so hard. Everytime a jingle comes, everytime when I see people happily buying presents, everytime I go on Facebook and I see yet another friend gets to take a break and go on a holiday, I began to hate myself.

Why is it so hard to put it down? Why of all the times it has to come and attack now? Is it because tis the season to be jolly, and everyone else is jolly, but me?

I've so many things to clean up not just in my life, but also in Facebook, removing pictures one by one after finding out that he's going on a rebound, appealing to others to do the same. I've only stopped at not cleaning up my own hard disk filled with so many things that contains our lives. If these are our memories, so be it. I'll keep it somewhere private where no one else can see it.

And then I looked at the comments I've gotten in those pictures. "The blissful couple", "The happy couple". Why the labels? I wished I could've removed them. It's no longer relevant now we're in this state of mind.

I wish I could stop. I wished I have more courage to deactivate my Facebook and lived my proper life without depending on that so-called social circle. What's the whole point? I've lost the whole point.

I've asked for a leave after some talk over it with my friend over lunch. She seemed to think that it's also incurable unless I go on somewhere to reflect. Now I see what's so appealing about going to travel somewhere out there, it's just to give myself a peace of mind that working can never achieve. I have yet to get a reply from the boss. I hope he understands that I need this.

I don't know if I want to continue having Facebook anymore. It's tough and stupid secondguessing who's at my side and who's at his. I kept thinking that plenty of them don't even see eye to eye with me anymore. I have no qualms about his best friend for being protective towards him, but I always second guess the others. It's bad for me to keep doing that, that I only find comfort in friends I know isn't affiliated to him.

I'm only asking for a way to feel happy, and not get bogged by the workload, and the pain, and feel irritated everytime I hear of a new information about him.

I want to go drink but my income's not sufficient enough to even go out. If I can't even survive, how can I even think of going to Bangsar to join some peers and have a few good drinks in a row without burning a severe hole in my pocket?

I haven't watch a movie for a damn long time and my only companion for movies used to be only him. I'm so busy I can't even make time for movies. What the fuck kind of excuse is that?

I've been trying to listen to the music both of us share and everytime it leaves me crumbling to tears. I've been trying to stand up and man up and each time I fucking falter and go back to who I was.

I'm confused and depressed and a little bit suicidal at times. Wanting to delete my Facebook, delete my life system, delete all the stupid decisions I've made that led me to this point.

Would it be better if I've chosen the internship instead of the community newspaper?

Would I have survived if I went with an environment filled with colleagues instead of just one person and his circle of friends?

Would I have thought of breaking up if these things never happened and I've waited patiently for him to produce his results?

Negative rut? Of course I'm stuck in a negative rut! I've never got a proper chance to pamper myself ever since the break up and all I do is work work work work work!!

I have no shoulder to cry on because my whole family is in a state of devastation as I am with my grandmother's problem! I have no emotional reliance on anyone because I felt betrayed as a human being. Trust? Who am I to trust? Who am I to refer to?

Forget about being strong or tough. I've lost all that capability to heal, but I can't even feel like a proper person anymore.

So help me God. Help this child to remember the reason why she should be alive and well. Help her feel wanted and that she has contributed. Help her, help me.

I'm thankful for the couple of friends I have, but I realised they have their lives to live. I can't bug them for Christmas. They have somewhere to return to.

I go out and it's something negative. I go back home and it's something negative as well. Tell me, was I supposed to be happy my grandmother's like this and we are the ones taking care of her?

Consider this. The fact that I have only giving out minor bursts to people is already a miracle of its own. I'd expected something bigger. I've been hiding my feelings from so many people. Some people suggested that I should be honest with those I'm working with. But I also say, would I bother telling somebody who doesn't give priorities to them?

If I have a Christmas wish, it'll be this. That I can get through my last 2 weeks of 2010 having resolved all problems inside my heart, that I could reach an agreement with my friends when it comes to prioritising between me and him, that I can finally let go.

So, help me, God.

Let it Out

2010-12-11T13:05:00.003+08:00

Until recently, I've only been hearing songs that are only relevant to me. Only something that I'd like. It was a very precious and awesome "me" time.

But then, I realised I can't escape forever, I still need to go back to those times when we shared the same interest for some songs. Plus, they were really good songs, plentiful of meanings.

So I did. And true enough, my fears came true. Every verse sung out, every tune played, the flow of good memories came back.

I kept playing the song. The memories of us laughing as we sit down in your house, watching the latest anime episode, the way I snuggled on your shoulder, the way I sometimes just climb over and sat down on your lap and you secured me with the bestest teddy bear hugs, it all came back.

I was genuinely happy. I can safely say that. I was genuinely happy. Happy that I was with you, happy for that blissful life, happy, because it was one of the nicest things that happened to me because it was so simple. It was our world.

It was crazy of me to venture out into the bad bad world alone, now as I faced another doubtful road in my life, I realised I have no one to look back to. It's okay to see I have people in front of me, smiling as they tried to pull me into the adult world. All monitoring and observing me as I walk like a baby, occasionally tumble and fall, they were all there ready to catch me, and let me try again.

But if only, if only, when I look back and I realised if I do fall back, no one will be there to help and support me. Why? All expected me from the front, they did not expect me to fall back. The moment I do the roads will disintegrate and perhaps I'll fall further down the darkening abyss.

Same goes for what I expect from the relationship. I'd always thought I'll heal faster than everyone else because, I was different, I was stronger, I was way more matured.

But what happens, when I tried walking the exact same path I walked with you? I allow all the past memories and happiness came back to capture me, and realising that I walked alone, I cried.

But I have to, I have to continue listening to those songs we cherished so much, because they were good songs. The only difference is I have to learn to stop crying over it, and instead just smile. They were all good memories, I'm not going to break it.

I've also realised work is not the only way out. I can't be working forever to hide from my sadness, I can't be smiling forever. Sometimes I'd imagine, that while my smile is always sincere to others, I don't really allow anyone else to see who I really am, I'm still as mysterious, as unpredictable.

I think, if I can, present my resignation. Repay the car debts to my mother, and then go embark on a restful journey.

Goodbye November; Hello December

2010-12-01T02:17:00.004+08:00

A terrible month has ended. Thank goodness for me.

Despite November being my birthday month, I have nevertheless felt like I'm in the worst state of mind when it comes to handling relationships, friendships, career, and family.

Firstly, my career was at a lost, I'm completely lost. I've lost all my objectives on being and staying there. Everything I did was just to justify my very own existence. Why not? When all my ideal thoughts are taken away from me, when I grovel to seek and find what my purposes are in this world full of complexities.

My boss always try to look at the simplest aspects of life but yet, taught me ways to not forgot the world's complexities. I'm still trying to grab that concept and mold it into my principles. Much as I admire his stand and the way he sees things, I don't agree to everything he stands for, and that's fine between the both of us. In some ways, I should be scared if I don't feel some resistance towards what he stands for in things. Again, I'm still learning, so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.

Secondly, relationships. I guess it pretty much ended the way I intend it to: no bitterness, no long term heartaches, no resentment, no disastrous aftermath. I guess I pretty much made it clear to him that this is what I want, and so far, we have yet to make things sour. We just left the bond there; perhaps when one of us got the courage to pick it up to see each other, we will. Otherwise, I'm pretty satisfied that my intention was made clear and we had a mutual understanding. Of course, there was a short while where the heartache was made piercingly, and I spent 2 nights crying over it. But thanks to a bunch of friends, I've pulled it through, and continued my life. That is until the third thing happened.

Yea, the dreaded Third, my family. I found my grandmother with a bloated tummy one morning after a frustrating run to the TM store only to find out that the promotion I needed has ended. Feeling a lot of strain after that when my mother called to make me work. I have my own workload but I have to compromise. And then finally, broke down again. I've never felt so scared in my life ever since my grandfather's incident and when I had to go into the ambulance for the second time, I felt so emotionally strained.

For the first time, I did what I've always intended to do: go overnight somewhere, anywhere, but not in the house. And I've never felt better after that. Okay, maybe feeling better is the wrong answer, but I've felt calmer and more ready to take on challenges. Therefore there wasn't any stress other than family stress at this moment that makes me feel this way. Working somehow has become my avenue to release tension as I run around for news.

Fourth, Friends. Never in these darkest moments that I know I've kept that few good friends. They were really supportive and attentive to what I have to say, and did not discard my issues easily. I find comfort knowing that I have gone through their thicks and thins, and now they are now helping me go through mine. Honestly, without the support of friends, this month of November would be hell to go through.

Finally, my resolution in December: Do what I like to do, concentrate on rearranging my life so that it's back to the way I like it, enjoy the everchanging process, as 2010 is nearing its end and looking at 2011 over the horizon, I must say it's pretty good to soar through my end of the year with a big bang.

So Goodbye November, Good Riddance too. And Hello December, Please Don't Disappoint Me.

Cheers!

Bloodshot

2010-11-23T01:51:00.002+08:00

To be honest, I looked like a mess on my birthday.

I had a drink with my employer. He knew I was feeling pain from the breakup, and crazily offered one bottle of vodka. I tell you, vodka should always be drank cold, but we were in a hotel with the basic necessities, and ice is not one of them. In case this sounds weirder further, my boss brought his teenage son along so there was no hanky panky involved.

I kept drinking that thinner-like vodka, thought to drown out what I've been feeling. We have a long chat about life, philosophies, experiences (more like his than mine), of course, he took the opportunity to teach me the lecherous men, men who pry on vulnerable women, women like me who just broke up, emotional, had no where to go.

"Never ever go to that stage," he said, as he let out another puff of smoke. I was falling into his "trap", first by being hesitant, then, under the influence of alcohol, slowly sitting on the bed, and finally just lying and hugging any pillow I find. What he said next, scared me to no end. All this while I've never thought men are capable of doing such things to me, mainly because, I'm not that attractive at all! But what he said jolted me awake, I was no longer drunk crazy. He woke me up. I was really hesitant to think of men like that, possibly because I was under the care of a very great guy for so long, I've forgotten men's real nature.

I'm not sure if that was meant to be philosophical, but oh, it did make me become more defensive towards men. What more when it's double confirmed by a friend I know who's goes socialising around, and confirms of such a species that prys on lonely, vulnerable women drinking. Of course I felt afraid, I don't believe what I've just heard, but of course, my bad, I've almost forgotten the evils certain men can do to a woman, therefore, that was a good wake up call.

Then, my stomach started to feel uncomfortable, at first, I thought I could hold it in, and continued talking, but then the discomfort became too great. I excused myself, quickly went to my room, and puked. All the dinner contents just came out. I was definitely pissed drunk to actually be at that state. I couldn't care how I smelt, all I know is, this is too uncomfortable, I need to puke it out.

And then I took a good look at myself. My face was pale, and my eyes were bloodshot. It was as if my blood's drained from my face and into my eyes. For the first time, I knew that I looked like a mess. I knew it wasn't worth it to reduce myself to that state because I've lost someone dear to me. If we do have fate, perhaps we can be together again. But until then, my life's my handling. Good vodka, pity I vomitted it out.

It ended with a "Happy Birthday" from the boss, plus a hug. I felt nice for a moment, and then remembered what he said, and pulled back lol. I ain't risking anything.

I puked twice after that, and ended up with a bleeding throat, as in, my phlegm came out bloody if I ever want to spit. Vodka really does nasty things to my inner organs. What a way to celebrate my 22nd Birthday. Good, crazy start.

The life of whether I choose to get laid or not hahaha. The life of possible meet-ups, possible mutual attractions, possible crazy sex, possible meeting another long term love, but mostly just career focused. Plus, the men I meet are all too old for me. Pfft, I've got my standards! I want young, good looking, ambitious fellas. Not old ones. I admit that they have their charms but a life with them is not in my list. My partner has to made me feel crazy about him even after a few decades together.

So yea, what a crazy birthday. I don't mind going through that again. Except, I'll chill the vodka the next time. Warm vodka is very lethal.

It's Official

2010-11-18T00:41:00.003+08:00

I've broken up with Marc.

I've lost my confidante, my best friend, the first one to give me cuddles whenever I need one, the only one who stood by me for almost 4 years.

I've lost him.

I will now put my focus in my career, my life path.

Not interested in guys anytime soon.

I wouldn't have want it any other way

2010-11-13T16:40:00.005+08:00

It does eat into me.

The separation was over and done with, I initiated it because I know I no longer harbour any new feelings of love, just plain complacency and comfort due to a very long relationship.

And now I've spent my days doing almost everything but achieving nothing in terms of social life. It's a painful process that I have to digest even if it means going through it alone.

I wished I knew how to stop the feeling when it started spreading in July, when I suddenly started becoming unsatisfied and whatever I do with him, it's just another process, just to make sure I feel secured and safe. But I know it is slowly not going to be.

Yet, it's hard to dispel or even throw him out. He was after all my confidante for almost four years. To see this bond dying inside it makes me really angry at myself.

Ever since Chiang Mai, everything changed. Everything I see about life changed. I got control over what I do and for the first time, I'm proud that I could do it.

It's selfish of me because I was that same person who surrendered her liberty in exchange for commitment to one of the best person I've ever had. We had so much in plan together, so much to look forward to, so much things we share in common and yet, here I am, telling him that we should start over, that we can't go on. My goals changed over the years and his changed too.

We're now doing what we want but how we got there costs us this precious relationship. In a way, I can't live like this with him anymore and therefore I opted out.

Obviously my love was lost ever since July and I can never bring it back again. But I wouldn't have want it any other way. If time reversed back to the day I've decided to be with him at 18 years old, I would, I really would have do it, and I would've also tried to figure out why I do this by July.

But it's all too late, too late to tell and figure out the dents and the cracks. I no longer want to fix it. I just want to let it go.

But it's hard. It's so hard.

The Mild Challenge, Plus the "Of Course....But" mentality

2010-11-04T19:57:00.003+08:00

I haven't curse for a damn damn damn long time. Fucking sucks. Whew, finally let that out of my chest.

I admit to one thing, which is, working life has made me so much milder. I don't know who I can insult and who I can't, I don't know what to expect, and all I have been listening to are old people tell me what can I do bla bla bla....Sometimes it's sickening, but you have to put up that really subtle smile to show that you're listening.

To be honest I'm intrigued to take up the challenge my boss just issued to me. But wow, it is tough. Engaging corporates? Eeek. It's intimidating. Plus, I hate those buggers.

This is my "Of course...But" mentality playing inside my head. It is intimidating to be, at this young and raw stage, to engage such high profile people. But yet, if you want people to take you seriously, is this what I have to do?

Not to mention I haven't settle the many things occuring in my life, my family, my dread of staying in this place....I need to move out and yet I have no idea, no direction. Oh, and my love life is at a standstill as well. I'm no longer putting it as a priority. But even then, I don't know how to put career as priority. I'm still learning to adjust to that phase.

Strangest thing is that I've approached this company because I want to pursue another goal, but it became impossible to maintain both. I guess I did become jaded after awhile, especially since it's really hard to maintain both work. One pursues some national issue, the other focuses on everything on a grassroot level. I'm

And again, personal space and freedom becomes an issue. And it's a big issue for me. People have been telling me, "oh you must do this, do this, you don't have the money for it," then fuck you, you want to help me or just keep me downtrodden for the rest of my life? Nothing positive's coming out of their mouths, god damn it.

Not to mention that I don't have a business-mind in my head. I want to hone a position where I live comfortably and enjoy life. I have a phobia about advertisers and writing for them. I hate that concept, oh super-hate that concept. Approaching some business corporate, pitching to them on how they can advertise into the papers. Granted, I know where the boss' intentions go to, yet I fear, loathe and hate all these, these corporate bullshit.

I'm sure everyone else does not hate it, because that is what kept the papers alive, but sigh...I don't know why I hate/fear/loathe it aplenty. Must be the Vincent Tan effect.

Does this mean I have to pay attention to business news as well? Being able to tell the different advances in some corporate shit? Can't my life just be purely happy, and philosophical at best?

Or is this my inner naivete talking to me? Telling me I'm not ready.

Sometimes I wished I was an artist, leave the image consulting to some other bloke. You just focus on what you do now, leave me there, bursting headful of creavities on paper or canvas, or even into a song.

This is all so new to me. I don't like the direction I'm going.

Your sight range is not my sight range

2010-10-08T14:01:00.004+08:00

It's easy to determine how you view a situation based on your personal experiences, by illuminating this disgusting act of telling it to everyone else so that it becomes a general stereotype.

But it's easy to understand why so, when personal experience overshadows the bigger perspective. I cannot agree more when my personal experience clouded the reality, or was it the other way around?

There was this debate on a blog about feeling the shame outside of the country because another foreigner had been laughing at the shameless act of bribery in the country; this country, in fact. He felt so bad he actually wish there was a hole to dig in.

It was an unusual story of course. Many foreigners I've met with were polite enough not to mention about the bribery act like it was a laughable thing, or in retrospect, the foreigners I met were sympathetic and understanding enough to know bribery is not an act exclusively happening in Third World countries. I posted the same blog post up on Facebook to share, hoping to see the debates and I posted some of my arguments.

I've had people who, ranged from having the same shameful feeling, to feeling outraged at the foreigner's outlandish comments in a very sophisticated setting, to feeling that they are agreeing with the author, that this is a statement they should accept and then work from within.

Indeed, one even asked if this is worth fighting for.

I'm reproducing my full arguments here.

"I'm thinking really hard on how to reply these comment because while yes, I did think some of the African's statements are true (depending on when he was in Malaysia actually, because honestly I don't see the corruption rampage anymore since 2008), but I don't think the Malaysian should be subjected to that kind of embarrassment.

While the nation has made some past mistakes and has been a subject of laughter in the foreign world, as far as I'm concerned, if I was in his position, I would at least try to correct the man instead of feeling this embarrassment. Perhaps I'm naive enough to stand up to that statement because I've felt that Malaysia has changed, or perhaps working with the police force in many occasions allows me to have some personal bias that his statement of 'all cops are on the take' really cheeses me off. Not all cops are dirty, and vice versa. I don't believe in a country that is 'corruption free' and to label Malaysia as the only place to have such rampant activities depicts that the foreigner has a 'holier than thou' attitude.

Was it worth getting worked up on? Yes, I would say so. Very few Malaysians (who dares to call themselves Malaysians anyway) are in the international arena and if they start to agree with these generic images these foreigners have on Malaysia, then no one is going to see the change the Malaysians work from within. It's tough enough to conjure an image and these prejudices may just destroy it all. Like, what do people think of Taiwan?Many remember their Parliamentary fist fights, some call it democracy, some call it menace. That image sticks to you and you know it's hard to shake off. I'm pretty sure Thailand will have the Red Shirts Yellow Shirts image stuck in people's heads for many years after these incidences have passed.

It's not nationalism or patriotism. It's very hard for me to explain why I did have the burning feeling when I read that foreigner's comment, but I'm certainly not going to encourage this level of ignorance, knowing the law and purposely breaking it, only to laugh at it many years later at someone's face. If he was wrongfully caught for speeding, and he had to pay a bribe for it, sure, I'd feel embarassed because corruption was so bad a police would do anything to get his RM50's worth. But to a person who knew he was subjected to the law and he broke it for the fun of it? I think anyone should be pissed, not just Malaysians."

That was my argument and that was my hope. I wasn't even hoping that foreigners would see the "Malaysia is a multi-racial country living in the same place" kind of imagery bullshit. I even allowed myself to confess this personal bias that due to working with the community newspaper, police have been one of the few people I get in touch with, allowing me to see that they are not all that.

I was feeling bad for the guy for being persecuted like that in that kind of social setting. But seeing his reply I no longer feel so.

It turns out, his personal experience overshadows his general perception, he had to agree with what the foreigner said. He was caught by the traffic police and always for the reason to "bribe". That's how sad the country was, and still is, to him.

I can only conclude that his sight range is not my sight range because he's unfortunate enough to have been under what I've described in my argument to justify why was it worth fighting for. I'm fortunate enough not to be asked to commit bribery, that I'm in a place where we can change the mindset of Malaysians to start thinking like a community instead of "Corporate Malaysia", that though I'm still as hardcore about national issues I also know we're all fighting in smaller circles before the bigger picture can be brought down.

As for him? I'm not him, I'm not jaded yet. Here's my concluding words from Citizen Nades' twitter while he was in London:

"Met some misinformed msians who think they know abt msia sitting in london. They hv nothing good to say. Screw them"

Comments disabled.

I'm too comfortable

2010-09-23T23:16:00.002+08:00

with my life to even nag or complain about it.

Hrmmm....need a hobby....need a life....

Complacency is a sucky phase. Like, I can never step out of it, or I just couldn't afford to get out of it.

E.g: Moving out of the house at this moment, not an option

Why? Too young, too dangerous, too unreasonable

Staying comfortable won't help though. Stupid internet.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Yakkity

I miss my turbulent times. At least I make better poems and better blog entries. Now I'm just a big mush of boredom.

Bah

Too many questions, the need to escape, again

2010-08-29T23:26:00.004+08:00

Again I feel like escaping from this place I live in. What's up with that?

Just as again I heard how my grandmother chokes on the softest of food, I feel the need to run away from this place who will soon be too depressing to stay in when my grandmother did move on to another realm. I hate it when death occurs, really do hate it ever since I got that shock of my life.

I also feel the need to have privacy. Since young I never get my own room, I probably got my own corner but that's about it. If I want my own space the only space I go to is my boyfriend's room (which isn't really that private) or my own brain. And now when I'm working and my brain's constantly spilling out and I can't contain it anymore.

How sad is it for a human to just want to get her own private area? Hate being such a human sometimes. I don't need and yet crave connection and communication. I want to rant on Facebook but since I have added my boss, sometimes it's just coincidental my problems are coinciding with the work he gave me. If I rant, wow, I don't know what to say or how to reply back. The perils of adding your current boss into Facebook...

If I was given this one day to rest, would I want to just drive and drive and drive away? Until I reach the end of the solar cycle? (just stupid talking). I guess I'm very fascinated with the idea of running away because I've watched Honey and Clover and honestly that took up a lot of guts to just off your handphone and communication devices and just go on your windy road. In the real world, doing that and you'll end up with a police report and some team trying to search for you.

Who else then have a dream like mine? Just escape, escape, fucking escape? Do I need to do something to my life or my thinking to really feel like I'm not burdenning anyone? What is it missing? What is it? That I cannot feel liberated and soar through without feeling that something is holding me back?

And Just who the Heck am I living for? Why do I get the feeling it's not about me, but always about someone else? Someone else who I deemed more important but not myself? Am I even serious when I say that? Am I even trying to figure it out when I say that?

Perhaps I'm too ashamed of myself, perhaps I don't know if I've ever tried harder. Perhaps my confidence level hasn't been released and I constantly get pushed down so easily.

Bah. Escape!!

I wanna puke

2010-08-10T14:44:00.002+08:00

But before I do so with my unwell stomach as it is, allow me to go into this immense ranting about how undeserving this position that happens to precede me before I accept the reality in which I happen to come across upon with no warning signs.

I envy girly girls who can afford to look like they just came as descendents of the Moon Goddess, pretty, nice looking, always getting the buzz of attention.

I'm a slob standing next to them. In fact, I'm a guy standing next to them. Totally.

Do I get guys' attraction by giggles and playing up the natural pheromones most girls actually spread around? Nope, I astonished them with amazing geekery, speaking vulgar, and have this large tendency to pat people on the back like a guy do.

I'm exaggerating of course about the vulgar and pat back part, not the geekery sadly.

I wasn't too fancy about being such a girly girl but wow, I wish the world could give non-girlies a break.

So I hate skirts, hates bags (backpacks FTW), and purses, it doesn't make me any less attractive than those girly girls.

And I'm not a tomboy either. I don't fancy having my hair short, or wearing baggy jeans. I'm just not the person who's at either extreme. I'm a girl with long hair who despises acting like a girl.

It's possible that Marc saw me for who I was, obviously, but to think about it, what happens if he's not with me? Am I destined to spend my next life hoping to find a man who does find me attractive in a non-normal sort of way that will send everyone else on the edge?

Just saying.

Now it's time for me to continue ponder the urge of puke. Bye

It's getting real

2010-08-02T23:58:00.002+08:00

I remember after watching the video of A.Kugan's mangled body I immediately froze. Partly because that was a really distraughting video, that Malaysiakini chose to post on of all place, Youtube; partly because he was only the same age as Marc when he died.

I hung on tight to Marc, but I've never showed him the video. To me, he wasn't the kind of person who'd be interested in such videos or such issues. But I did tell him I was afraid of the same thing happening to him because these youths are being suppressed, threatenned and now, killed. He assured me it will never happen, not among our friends or family.

How wrong he was.

Activists who were parading the candlelight vigil on August 1 were arrested and placed in lock-ups. One of them, was Marc's friend. He wasn't too worried but it was obvious that he got slightly disturbed that the police force were so hard-handed this time around, even though there might or might not be a permit for this to go on.

I just nudged and told him: "It's getting real".

Yes, we youngsters who used to "dream" and view such things always say it'll never happen on us, possibly because we were so caught up in our bubble of comfort and class, that we are immune to these things that some day it will never occur to us.

Well it did. And we need to get real to embrace that. To put aside the fears and address what is really wrong with the country.

I don't want to be dramatic and say "to die for this country", but anything can happen. Maybe spending a time in the lock up, maybe to be scolded at by your superiors for writing such an article that paints it badly against government, maybe it's about trying to convince the youngsters to look with their eyes, and that if they do take sides, who is to blame them?

The problem with being in one side: in my case, the liberal side, is that we forgot to take into account what other people felt like in the other side of the spectrum. I went to the camp, and with it I brought my ideologies. I met this girl and I have to say, I took great stride not to feel offended by her remarks about the world and its mechanisms. Turns out I was wrong to assume everyone is liberated. She came from Vietnam, to which I did not know (and don't judge me because I never follow the Vietnam War) it is a Communist country. So really, we sometimes bring these ideologies thinking others are sharing the same and then you realised, when you take great pains NOT to feel offended by her ideologies you're actually prepared to be listening. Even though you lapsed and complained about her sometimes when she's not around. Self-proclaimed guilty gossipy person here.

So yea, while we should get real and address issues like abolishment of oppressive policies, should we also blame the police force for what they do? Should we actually analysed and say "who are these people? the grunts or the commander?" Based on what I've been reading about these ISA arrests, they sounded more like the grunt than the commander. And these people are the ones getting criticised at.

Sure, this is the police force, you people may argue. They should be aware of their powers and how they could've use, or abuse them. Sure, then the people would also be aware of their powers, and how they could've use, or abuse them. Then it'll become a neverending debate on who's power should succumb to who really.

There'll always be two sides of the powers that attempts to take over the hearts of the majority. The interesting part is who eventually will win and tell their side of the story via the media? But that's left for another post for discussion.

The problem is to make people wake up and exercise their responsibilities. The problem is getting to burst these people's bubble and say "get real! if the force is coming you think you won't be spared?". And the problem of course, was to balance the arguments between these two sides and choosing in the end to believe in which one.

I do know this one small accomplishment: Marc is actually starting to be aware. It'll be tough trying to push for something bigger, but a small poke of awareness can lead to bigger actions in the future.

I'm hopeful. Because everything is getting real for all of us. The power struggles, the leadership exercises, the agony and discontent of the people. It's getting real.

The Dreamer

2010-07-30T00:04:00.002+08:00

He was sitting up the left side of his bed, looking out to the scenery beneath him. Inside, head throbbing, struggling to figure out what just happened. A hand touched him. He jumped.

"What's wrong?"

A woman just sat up, clearly more well asleep than he was, tousle-haired, looking bewildered.

"Nothing. Just go to sleep. Dreaming again"

Dreaming again...

He was a dreamer, he saw this set of goals which he needed the steps to accomplish a goal.

But no, he did not achieve it.

He saw his set of goals to build a series of companies after he graduated. He talked about the many people he would love to visit so that his plan will go on as planned, he talked about how, building this very empire will secure him a sustainable life in the future.

How the girl of his dreams will then remain with him all the time....

But, the girl he's sleeping with was not that girl. No, she knew him after he secured a job, went for something smaller.

He went for something smaller because he couldn't act on what he dreamt of. He just kept dreaming and dreaming, talking about all that ideologies he have. But he never act on it.

That girl of dreams got fed up hearing. Told him

"I love a dreamer, but I hate one that only continues dreaming"

She just left. She became his wake up call.

She was getting a head start of doing things while he went on talking about dreams. And just one day, she wasn't keen on hearing anymore.

He stood up, woke up. Realised, all that dreams were unnecessary. He tried, but failed, because he couldn't even go through the first step: act upon it. The tons of excuses given for not acting on it. It was just crazy.

"All success stories came from a crazy idea, but it has to be acted upon"

He missed that step, he kept on dreaming. And he lost that girl of his dreams.

He became afraid of dreaming, and sleeping. The moment he dreamt he'll just shook himself awake. His current girl will not understand why. He brushed it off as something minor, saying he's a light sleeper.

But he knew inside, he was very afraid to continue on dreaming.

And then he sleep again, making sure, nothing else penetrates his mind.

Not even, her.

No Regrets

2010-07-20T01:03:00.002+08:00

I just came back from the most enriching camp for the time being. The trainers, the participants, the people I talked to back home who have a different perspective of me. It was magical. I don't regret it when Rin tagged me on Facebook, told me to join this once in a life time to participate and learn more about the media.

I've got a few awards and I'm honestly quite proud of them. Met some really cool, friends, not to mention that they are sexah! Can't get over some smoldering good looks of certain male participants and trainers, can't get over some really beautiful sounding accents, and certain fun people around.

By the way, Chiang Mai = shopping haven! I love the fact I could find stuff easier than in Malaysia itself. Found two grungy looking t-shirts that are enough to curb my hunger for Ed Hardy-esque clothes for the time being. Marc loves the shirt I bought for him, Mom loves her tribal top, Sis and Brother are happy with the chocolates I bought back since I can't find anything for them.

I've got a tattoo. And no, I have no regrets. It's the only thing that combines religion and my love for tattoos, of course I have no regrets. I've been wanting a tattoo for the longest time, and it's so secretive that only my family and my boyfriend know about it. Imagine the shock when everyone knew I was about to get a tattoo, not just for the video I'm shooting in the camp, but to bear it for the rest of my life. People may pass judgment on me for being the "wild" girl, "rebel", but after seeing the religious symbolism in it they were awed at this determination. Such double face, but I have to get used to it right?

I have to start work very soon. I was worried, worried that I have no time, worried that I'll screw up, but a chat with my editor revealed that my worries were just for nuts. Of course every rookie starts somewhere, of course they're bound to make mistakes, why the worry? And of course my editor had to joke that it's his job to soothe the nerves of the journalist la. Cis, one day when my jokes are more refined than his I'll rebut him.

Deep down though, I'm glad. I'm glad I can afford to be busy, to be taking in all the sights and sounds, taking in the busy-ness of it all, establishing my stand. What am I here for? What else can I do to share my part of the story? What did I write that's memorable?

For the moment, I'm going to take up jobs at the stride, enjoy my life to the fullest, never be afraid of asking crazy questions, never be shy, but of course, keep my mouth shut at the right moments. I mean, I'm not THAT into spotlighting myself. But to stop myself from loving what I've always loved to do? NO WAY.

In the end as I walk out in the semi-working world without having bogged down by the social pressures. Now that I've done some rather crazy stuffs, there's no harm trying some more crazy adventures and then be proud to talk about it whenever I can. I mean, hey, I'm not bragging.

I have no regrets at the moment. Am living exactly what I love to do.

However, I can't be hold accountable if in the future I complain. But I'm trying hard not to. Complaining isn't bringing me anywhere, the best way is still to "consult" to seek advice from the right people.

See you. My tales will be unravelled soon.

Quick update

2010-07-08T22:07:00.003+08:00

I like the freelance jobs although honestly it's fucking tough. But hey, it builds my character.

I'm in Chiang Mai with Rin. Positive thinking will lead the way.

My mom's finally being understanding.

Yay.

Weakling

2010-06-22T21:04:00.002+08:00

I feel ashamed. But I have nowhere to confess to about this stupid-ass situation I'm in except for my blog, which is filled with goddamn spam. No real person will comment, maybe they'll read but probably will not comment.

I feel that my future is totally not in my hands at all. I have yet to have something to prove and now I don't have anything to prove until...forever.

I'm stuck, between getting this internship of a lifetime and being stuck with a newsdesk job for the rest of my life slogging my way writing propagandhas even before I could learn other newswriting techniques. Has people ever fucking wonder why I never do other things, like a second internship or other media camps even though I looked like I have the calibre to. Oh, that's right, this little pussy here is afraid of her mother!

My mother controls every aspect of my life even though my only choice was my choice of education! And EVEN then she sees the "good" side of working with The Star, The Sun, NST. Like I'm supposed to because even if I "hated" their politics, I can always opt for Metro or community news because it's relaxing enough and they pay well! She sees, the fucking pay. I really cringe everytime she talks about the monetary choices. I really don't feel like doing this.

I once interviewed the editor for Merdeka Review and she said that, if any, journalists in Malaysia are becoming like reporters. You report what you see, but you don't conduct research and not enough facts checking due to the limitations of time. After I've heard her, I became really afraid of putting my first step into Malaysian journalism. The moment I step in I definitely cannot pull back out. It's MY principles I'm going against here and I've been very strict about my principles in life. I can't just fucking BEND it because of MONEY!

Then I consulted my thesis supervisor and she said unless I don't plan to stay in Malaysia, I can always opt for Malaysiakini, because apparently from what she said, people who worked for the "other side" will be "blacklisted" by the "pro" side even if she has the right crediantials, and the problem will be I'm writing propagandha for the other side as well. Of course, this I cannot confirm since I only hear it from one person.

So where do I stand now? I'm stuck with lesser than perfect technical skills and writing skills, I hope to improve it while doing this internship but my mother's telling me to see other options because who knows??? Who knows that I'll get dragged into this sordid hole of a working life despite what I (don't) know eh?

I'm really a weakling for not being capable of standing even against my mother and even my supervisor "advised" me that I should move out of the country as soon as possible so that I could finally, in her own words, "break the bond and unleash your real potential".

But how? HOW? When I can't even make it through the first step?

I've been asking around for advise because the internship does not pay. Yes, does not pay, as this is how it is for interns from the Western media. Now you see why I call it the internship of a lifetime. One friend suggested tutoring, others say, they cannot help me at all. Reason? My internship time is so flexible even I cannot determine a time to dedicate myself to working a 9am-5pm part-time or something and they just don't see why I should take the internship. I could be on-call 24/7 and it does not provide any pay for the time and effort used on it.

But why do I insist? Because I've attended the interview and I could sense that we can work together. Plus, she's not really a fraud since my supervisor has seen her on television. The only thing is that they think it's cheap labour since I will only get reimbursements of my expenses.

TRUE, it's cheap labour, I get it, I'm working cheap. But don't anyone see that I do NOT, repeat: DO NOT want to start working until I'm confident that I've learnt enough?? And this internship is just fucking staring into my face giving me a choice to learn somemore and what issit everyone else see? MONEY, because, the law of survival says degree holders should be aiming for money already for their first job. Not an internship. Which is ironic considering the internship requires the people to have newsroom experience which is something I've gained and that I have time to consider a second internship, AFTER completing my studies.

And now, I'm stuck, because in 3 weeks' time I'm going to fucking send my resumes to places I wasn't even sure if I can be happy working due to my mother who wasn't supportive because the media apparently is not what she think it is! GODDAMNIT!!

Tell me now, is it wrong to think this way? Is it wrong to learn somemore before I chase my dreams?

Now I'm in a moral dilemma that I cannot escape from, and I need help.

I don't want to continue my life living under my mother's!!

The Fushigi Yuuki Lesson

2010-06-10T13:42:00.002+08:00

I'm a self professed anime geek as a child. The pre-dead dad days of 13 when Astro's AXN was showing this really promising anime called Fushigi Yuuki, or the English name The Mysterious Play. I couldn't stop watching despite having Dad yelling at me or I refuse to budge from completing the last minute homework. Good thing I was in afternoon school too, becasue they always have repeats in the morning when my whole family was watching Hong Kong series every 8pm when the episodes of Fushigi Yuuki premieres.

It's a story about these two schoolgirls, Miaka and Yui who are the best of friends, stumbled across this legendary book (sorry if I don't know the name, memory's fuzzy. It's been 9 years). And unknowingly got stuck in Ancient Fictional LAnd (I'd say China. But that's just me) and struggles to get back to their own world. They discovered in horror that they were both female maidens that could call upon supreme beings that protect the very land of two separate tribes:- Suzaku and Seiryuu.

I don't want to dwell too much into the story because it was long. I only finished watching it after my father passed away. Yeah, it was that long lol. But that anime taught me a few things about human relationships and strangely, sexuality.

For one, the schoolgirls are both targets of lecherous inside the book world because as maidens of the supreme being, they are virgins, therefore making their powers pure (sensing the irony?). The trouble is that Miaka is err......highly aroused by falling in love with one of her warriors Tamahome. She tries offering to him plenty, and I really mean PLENTY of times. What with the accidental boob showing (always to the warrior, not to the audience, don't worry), the seductions, the long extensive makeout sessions, you'd think it's not content that should be watched by a 13 year-old. But I did, stood there, sincerely hoping some much needed "action" to be taken by the guy since the girl OFFERED herself so many freaking times, and the warrior never took it. That's such a man.

But it does not stop other guys who tries to take that away though. So it's an adventure itself: Protecting virginity from others while controlling one's self desire. Because the moment you enter the canal, you deplete her pure powers. (I'm trying not to make it a pun. Honest).

Another revolves around two people actually: Hotohori and Nuriko. Hotohori, despite being the king of the land of Suzaku, is a narcissist. He loves his image a lot, and often profess to be the land's most beautiful man. Nuriko is a man who cross dresses as a woman since young in memory of his dead sister. Poor Miaka had to dip in the pool with Nuriko because she did NOT realised she was a HE. And Nuriko is in love with Hotohori, and also in a friendly rivalry with Miaka because she/he kissed Tamahome. Hilarity ensues of course.

One thing is that I realised they are very comfortable at portraying different sexual personalities. It was certainly a mind blowing experience for me. But I'm impressed at how open Miaka is to sexually express herself to that one guy. She loves him, so she wants to have sex with him. Or maybe because she might leave the book world soon, but that was one striking example I admire about her. It did challenge my thinking later about viewing a female's virginity later on. Some judgmental people may just call her a slut for being so openly expressive about her love for someone, but it left a deep imprint in my head on how I see a guy the next time I fell in love with someone.

And it's with this anime I start to know about the different sexual personalities, like a man who freely falls for another man, a man who's not shy to fall in love with his looks. It's astounding, mind blowing, and at the same time, it was because of this kickstart I was comfortable by the time I actually see guys like them, if I ever see any.

Maybe some of you may say it was rather inappropriate that I was exposed to such lessons at a young age. But when then, will we learn to see the exploration of other sexualities and perhaps doubt ourselves to learn acceptance over such personalities? I've seen a few sexualities in friends, and sometimes I do wonder if I like both sides. But I definitely learnt that a girl should not shy away from expressing how much she loves someone, as do it will be her choice if she wants to give away her virginity and not for others to judge.

Sadly, I'm not without any barriers. Not going to elaborate here ;). I'm just good, open-minded enough.

That's the end of my Fushigi Yuuki lesson. Ciao.

Some maybe a little judgmental over how I receive my lessons, whether it's through storybooks, television or movies, when in the past people always say "oh you must read a book to receive knowledge". Well, I'm not the past, I'm the present, and yes, I do get my lessons from watching anime and Youtube, or reading a blog post online. It's just the way I take things nowadays, not just books. Thank you. Ciao

Unprepared

2010-05-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

So in true adult fashion, I'm supposed to start a journey on creating a happy career life after graduation.

I just got my results. I cannot say that I'm happy about it because honestly I didn't want it to slip further. Now it's just enough for me to obtain a Second Class Upper as I graduate with that name, but thinking that I have never actually obtained more than 3.3 throughout my degree year, I daresay this is what I could best achieve for somebody without "hard work" as my mom would claim. On the other hand, my thesis got an A and it's something I'm proud of. Since I have not really look around for a job, I think I can use this time to polish my resume.

Been spending day and night either going out with boyfriend, or gaming at home, with a short interlude of going to Krabi. That was really fun times, albeit imperfect, but fun. It leaves a not-so-sad ending for the lot of us actually, whether or not we will actually see each other or bother to call each other again.

I find myself being really unmotivated to go out and do something about my life. Granted, I've been reading so I'm pretty sure my mind is intact, not the mention the various things I've been reading, but I've been cutting down on catching up the local political news. I probably felt bored about listening to the same empty promises, the precise anger levels compared to a few years ago, that now when everyone is worried about an economy crisis looming over our heads, something not being scared before.

I do remember this conversation with the Thai taxi driver bringing us around. You can tell he probably had not have a university education, but he spoke with passion on how the Thai government should've helped the people by distributing wealth equally, not spending millions on building roads with asphalt (and as he says it, we do see trucks spraying asphalt around).

I feel amazed. An ordinary Thai citizen that know exactly which branches of the government that does what. How many ordinary Malaysian citizen are that interested in government programmes and what they are doing? Heck, how many know about how much exactly did the government do for us?

I hate being normal. Because being normal means I have to stop thinking outside the box. But I also hate being jibed by my stupid boyfriend everytime I'm thinking about something, everytime I try to explain something and he just interrupts with some stupid quote which does not amuse me. Hate it. You, reading this. I Hate It!

Let me think in peace, I'm not normal, never born to be normal. My existence is defiant towards laws of nature, like being fat, being single-eyelided, being left-handed, being a woman, so let me express my highly delusional thoughts, which will be here sooner or later, because that was the reason why I call this blog My Wild Thoughts.

On a side note, after Krabi, I'm going to Chiang Mai with Rin for Debating and Producing Media workshop. I'm going to let my socks off and learn as much as I can, not letting anything embarass me, because almost nothing can embarass me now =). And I also want to make new friends without the presence of Marc around, so that I have a bunch of friends only I can relate to.

The workshop is in July, so it will be exciting, but I just need to make June as liveable as possible, since I'm not going for any holidays. The South Korea trip is confirmed cancelled as it is. Probably will start sending out resumes and attend interviews. Most importantly seek consultation since I don't really have a place to go to work yet, therefore my options are larger.

But until then, I'm going to do research on Chiang Mai, enjoy my time, and hopefully, not be bored to death. The only thing good is that I have yet to feel bored.

Here's to a smooth transition phase to the new life.

Untitled

2010-05-19T17:50:00.002+08:00

I'm an aunt.

The mother is my friend.

She's about my age.

The baby was beautiful.

Mother separated from Father because of family complications.

Mother is unemployed.

I screwed up.

I made my mom paid more.

I hope she forgive me for my mistake.

I hope to pay her back.

The tour trip might be cancelled due to lack of people.

I don't know if I want to go anymore.

Crying as I type. Sucks.

Supposed to go Krabi for enjoyment.

Still going, but with lots of heartache.

What to do.

Least I could do was still support her emotionally.

Least I could do was pay her back.

Least I could do was enjoy Krabi anyways.

For the moment though,

I'm sad.

Might have been a little media-phobic

2010-05-10T20:26:00.000+08:00

This was written over 2 months ago and never published. I'm continuing to write even though I don't really feel the same. Still the questions need answering.

I'm going to share some sort of worry that I've never actually tried to cure, plainly because I don't know if it was even an ailment in the first place. That is, until I've conducted a research on it.

You see, my thesis involves finding out if the media have been playing a certain role (full title to be revealed if I ever finish it in the first place). And with the methodologies that I've discussed over with my supervisor, it's best to get some interviews with one of the more well known editors around the media organisation.

Now, you see. I'm a girl born in the late 80's, already engulfed, trapped in the world of Mahathirisms, my perception of the media has always been the more distorted, safer, steering away from everything kind of media. I always have the feeling that everything I've watched and read are sort of...fake. I don't know how to explain it, but I know I'm definitely not living a full life.

Then I got into Journalism. It was an eye-opener for me. I know I have received some sort of political awareness due to my father, often constantly showing me attachments and/or materials to read about politics, but to actually study them is a different breath of air. For once I was concerned and I know this is what I intend to do if I ever have the chance.

But when I started internship and this thesis I find myself confounded, trapped as I wield myself back into the eras of Mahathirism. My friends, some of them, found similar conflicts in their internships. We've discussed this, and now with my supervisor, I'm more than concerned about this ailment that might have existed within most of us late 80's babies.

You see, I might have had..media-phobia. I was born into the era of "safe news", consumed "safe news", read and have only read "safe news". Even till now I'm feeling the after effects of it.

My friends used to tell us their editors during internships lamented about the fact that they were not adventurous, did not actively seek out news to report, did not have the initiative, if anything to be a journalist at all. Many others share the same sentiment from their superiors, each carry the same pang of foreboding towards these would-be journalists.

If anything, I'm afraid, Mahathir's scheme all these while, has succeeded in creating a brain-dead generation, a generation who's fears lay upon the hearings of what he has done in the past to manipulate what has become of today's society. At least, at today's generation of future workers.

And when I talked to my thesis supervisor, my Political Science lecturer, my interviewees, they were talking about the glorious media past, the time when the only thing the media had to be afraid of was the laws that struck them should they be unethical, not laws that bound them to keep them like watchdogs. And it's resonating among that very few interviewees I've kept in touch with because they told me "I'm not willing to do this! I want the law to change!". And so, in some ways, they were extend the same invitation to me, to tell me they want me to understand that all this while, the media operations were, to put it succintly, forced to be "safe".

When I always hear those words, I feel very pressured. I honestly do. I think I have a certain case of media phobia. Why? Because I can't imagine a life living without the shadow of the oppressive media over me. I have never encountered, seen an era when the media was free, was free to report, was free to point out the error of ways and when the ruling coalition would've gladly changed. No, I'm living in a post 80s era where I know nothing but oppression.

And they extended their invitation, they want me to join. But I find it highly impossible, not when I'm clueless to what is the real change behind all of the political turmoil, or will it bring any change at all.

If anything, I do NOT know what is media life like before the Oppression begin. And these people, have had no idea how was life like being under that facade, that we've been given the "best" sort of education but taught us to stop questioning the givers. And it resulted in this.

If you ask me if I have ever asked any hard questions during my time in internship, I dare say it: NO. I have not. I've never prepared myself to ask, and I don't know what is the reaction I'll get and how do I even ask the right questions??

And for a girl who's going to be a journalist who has never ask hard/tough questions, she sure complains a lot about the media.

But at least what's good? That these editors have harboured some hope that the media landscape will change. That they wish to bear some certain changes.

But what hope is there for a girl who has never tried? Does she have to be put into jail for the hopeful things she sees? Does she have to withstand, the pressures from those elder than her, afraid of the circumstances due to her recklessness?

I don't see that tiny inch of hope staying in Malaysia to continue pursuing the media experience. I'm not an activist unfortunately, or at least, I still can't be one, since I'm on call 24/7 to come back if ever something goes wrong >_>. So I could only see two options: 1, leave home and country, 2, take up a safe job that have secure hours.

The worst thing for a young person is to feel desperate and disappointed with the country in this age. I don't want to, but I'm media phobic, and from the looks of it, I'm supposed to be fearless towards oppression at this age as well.

Solace

2010-04-24T22:05:00.002+08:00

Handed up my thesis. Finally. I wonder what my grade is.

Enjoys The Listening Post lots. And Infomania. Great shows about media analysis. I'm wondering if I should continue on with media studies, or politics.

Always wonder why I love certain music, but fails to grasp it. Such absent-mindedness. Sometimes this lovely tune passes by me, and by the time I tried to recall, it slipped by again.

My final day didn't turn out anything at all. Just lots of wonders and sadness? Although I don't feel that sad. I have a feeling I'll still be seeing my coursemates around the field anyways.

Haven't been settling down properly to think about my future. I'll do so maybe after exams, or after travelling around. My dreams are there. Hopefully it's achievable.

Wants to rest badly, but need to study. Wish me strength.

My awesome week

2010-04-12T23:32:00.003+08:00

Summarised in pictures. How about yours?

Creativity bites

2010-04-02T23:17:00.008+08:00

I'm writing about this in view of the troubling events that have kind of affected me, but not in whole as I need to get my thesis done by now actually. But I think I needed a place to talk it out, to discuss about it before I shut myself back to the world of academic writing.

It has something to do with the nerve of the country that aims to suppress what's left of creativity in this country and I don't find that pleasing especially when I came from a background of arts. Never mind the fact that I went to a Science stream class, but I've dabbled with music, drama, speech, and writing long enough to know sometimes it struck a nerve in my chord on the way the government treats the arts.

You know those stupid writing competitions the newspapers have had organised, sometimes winning an ever so awesome trip to Dublin? Well, guess they all did not turn out to be either journalists or columnists do they? Just another regular folk who has had their 5 minutes of fame. And then, there are the people you would remember for the articles they write in the newspaper. I have profound to love Chong Sheau Ching's column (still do. No one writes like her anymore. I need to find that book of hers that compiles all her old column articles.), even though she wasn't someone whom is known to join writing competitions, nevertheless was known around as an author in Malaysia.

And you know the film industry and their brouhaha over the new censorship rules, regulations, bureaucracy, hypocrisy and all, they are still not able to develop that very niche market in Malaysia as of yet: English, like really, English, TV Series that are actually good.

Marc kind of aspired to become a scriptwriter. He studied the subject called screenplay and scriptwriting, and since then he has been really fascinated to know how to write a script, even contemplating sending the scripts to some companies for reviewing. Of course, being a current scriptwriting rookie his first few scripts do look really stereotypical (I'm still trying to get him to think outside the pop culture box. He on the other hand, tries to get me into it >_>), so that is forgiveable.

Some time ago there was this filmmakers who would come to Malaysia to give the supposed workshops. Of course, in the end it was a no go due to the lack of time we had left after the short semester (and it was expensive as hell). There was this competition though, a scriptwriting competition. Joy! Marc could've secured his chance and get something published.

Except: the theme was, 1Malaysia.

Not to say that Marc didn't try. He tried, he thought hard on how to emulate a script based on that theme. But it was too hard: First of all, it's 1Malaysia, to him it is a boring subject to start on. He couldn't write it out, he just couldn't.

Before you go on to say that he's being lazy and all that, how are you going to come up with something 1Malaysia? Would you actually be able to think outside the box to recreate something with a 1Malaysia without the flair of including every single race you can find in Malaysia with happy smiling faces? If that is what you can think of, congratulations, you've been brainwashed till you've grown stale to this.

The second time he felt like this was when his lecturer posted an offer from an institution, a story pitch. It was yet, something about 1Malaysia again.

There are two ways to look into this situation.

1. The 1Malaysia brand is hot. People have done 15Malaysia before and was widely accepted by all races. This new brand is a definite seller, or so the company thinks, that is why the funds goes to the person with the 1Malaysia script.

2. 1Malaysia is the only thing workable around the film censorship board, and the government. It's a machine designed to try and tell the people how much they need this, 1Malaysia, while desperately sweeping the rest of the forgettable and highly intelligent scandals under the carpet. Because, you know, certain Malaysians are stupid like that.

But what it is, congratulations to the way they try to suppress the creative arts.

I admit that I'm not the best writer around. Heck, I'm impressed with my friends who churn out short story after short story for the annual MPH writing competition. I don't have the gutso or the capability of verbal diarrhea. I've tried my hand on writing analyses on this blog before, shamefully, you can dig through them if you want to. And I'm definitely not somebody who can write when there's this "theme" thing hanging over me giving me borders even before I could sit down to think of a concept. But to do that to aspiring scriptwriters, I find it a disappointing way to kickstart a career choice.

And that is why you see Malaysians flying off to California to write/direct/become visual effects/SFX people working at big old Hollywood. Sure, the climb's higher, but it's better than giving the first step climb so steep like the Malaysian film industry does.

Creativity is something honestly, I don't know if I have anymore, to be brainwashed, squeezed out of my juices, and then dumped aside to absorb spoon feed information. I used to have wilder imagination back as a child. Although truth to be told my dad's death was partly the second reason why I've lost what innocence I have, or whatever crazy imaginations I have about myself, the world and other little things. But thank goodness for the other little things, like music, like drama, that I've maintained that bit of kookiness and swear to never let it go ever.

But what about the rest of the individuals struggling to maintain that kookiness of theirs? What can they do since to each his own, I can't transfer the experience I've been through so that they could do their part of being creative. And honestly, not everyone is creative. I won't call myself creative; I call myself crazy, for the random spurs of poetry, for the infinite anger inside, for the melancholy that constantly surrounds me.

Maybe my wish was to know that Marc's choice to not write that script was justified, that in the end it was only a "feel good" factor of seeing yet another youngster shooting the skies with a delicate script having their brands all over it.

In any case, here's my bout of writing, I tried helping him with the scriptwriting so this is how I'm going to start:

You are a Chinese youngster (male or female, your choice) walking down the streets. And you see this little boy (any race will do, the more obscure the better) crying at the end of that street, you stopped to console him. What's weirder, you see him holding a number one.

When you asked, the little boy cried harder. He says "I'm trying to look for another one to give to,". He shows you it. You smiled, asked "Can I have it?"

He shook his head, and looks at you "Look at you, you are split into three!"

You grew puzzled, you look at yourself and then you said "I'm not split, are you sure you are seeing things correctly?"

Then he asked "What are you?"

You said "A Chinese". Suddenly, you saw the Chinese side of you floating out from your original body, you grew stunned, and asked the boy "did you just see that?"

The boy says "see? You are not one! What are you?"

You said "A Christian". And then you see the other part of you floating out practising Christian rites. You are shocked again.

The boy shouts "Not one! Not one at all!!"

You grew impatient with the boy and says "Listen you...."

The boy asked one more time "What are you??"

You really feel like slapping the boy at this point, but in patience, and because the rest of the people along the streets ignored him, you answered "A student".

The boy's tears showed again. "Not one at all."

You got frustrated and asked with impatience "What are you crying about?"

He said "no one is One here. Look around you now, do you see anybody with one?"

You turned around and you're surprised, almost everyone carries their different identities with them. Some have four, five, six identities all onto them at once. You were surprised you've never seen this. In fact, you are surprised that in those identities, no one calls themselves a....

"Malaysian. I want my Malaysian" the boy mumbled in between tears.

You grew sad with him. You took his hand, and said "Come on, teach me. Teach me the meaning of being one, with this country".

You took his hand and both of you walk down the street. Somehow, forgetting you took the hand that holds his number One. You found it.

-End-

I know when I tried telling this to Marc, he said it was too abstract. I agree, but it's not like I'm the one writing the script LOL. I just came up with this concept.

The youngster shown here could have been any race actually, but I put Chinese because I'm most familiar with being called a Chinese. Not because I dare not put a Malay or an Indian. and the little boy's race, well it could've been anything, in fact the less is known about his race the better. His skin colour is so mixed you have a hard time figuring out exactly who or what is he.

Why a relationship between a youngster and a boy? Simple, a youngster, to me, is someone who could still be saved, could be taught the values of being a Malaysian without all that veil of hype, and they could definitely stop being so ignorant about their country and start doing something. And the reason why I show a little boy is because, I think and I still feel like one, that a child always try to do something heroic, and of course everytime he or she had thought of something, the adults always beat them down, crushing their hopes. Well, this child wants to be a Malaysian before getting separated into those little personalities the grown-ups in Malaysia are holding. I want to make sure he gets his wish unlike mine who's dreams has been crushed

Why this kind of sad story? I believe even if we call ourselves Malaysians we are still largely driven by the stupid "pack" mentality of a Chinese, a Christian, a Buddhist, a Malay. We will not see through those veils of keeping those comments away and instead should aspire to do more on respecting each other to achieve true harmony. I don't buy the 1Malaysia brand that has been recycled by ths PM's predecessors. Even if I believe in 1Malaysia, it should be something deeper, something definitely deeper than just purely scratching the surface of harmonious relationships.

And why I chose to write this out now? Because I've read too much, too much of youngsters who give up loving this country even before they've tried. I've read blogs of people who truly want to believe in Malaysia but could not even trust themselves to say that Malaysia is a perfect country for security and harmony. These are the people who were disheartened by the talks of these yabbering politicians whom, I seriously believe, have no idea what do they talk about when it comes to making policies. It's strange, to see all this people my age getting disappointed over things they think they cannot change anything in this country.

But I alone, cannot stop this. Even if I have looked in this society through a looking glass, I couldn't stop this impending danger of losing the brightest minds to someone else. In fact, I might as well just join them.

But maybe, just maybe, I'll return. When I've accumulated enough experience to call myself a journalist where people can take my words seriously, then I will return in hopes to make this country a better place.

But until then, creativity is losing out to the outside world. Having creativity bites.

And somehow, I have the feeling, my script concept will be spiked. Just saying.

I miss...

2010-03-25T12:52:00.002+08:00

Making new friends.

My thesis is seriously halting my time with people. I could barely breathe. I even see less of Marc. And then there are others who have a whole litter of friends that would seem to have "layan" them but what they do? Go on shitty flings.

I don't get the idea of hurting one's self to satisfy the hunger of being with another, even if that period is short. I don't get it. If that is the case, then what is the whole point of maintaining a human relationship if we just use each other.

Honestly, I don't get it. That's why I find an easier way: I don't call myself a great friend to others. It's always them calling it to me.

But sometimes, I do miss that feeling, of calling somebody a friend.

mental pain

2010-03-18T19:21:00.000+08:00

I'm experiencing a slight mental breakdown where I can feel my brain cell went down inch by inch every single second.

I needed this space to channel the energy away. Thank god I'm allowed to stare at a smaller device. Couldn't bring myself to look at the big laptop screen.

There's this opportunity waiting there but I don't know if I should grab it. Reactions are mixed this time. It's hard to say if and when can I grab it. I'm going to seek consultation about this matter. Pray tell, that this belongs to me.

I can't promise the things that I aspire to be. But one thing for sure, I want to grab it.

Excuse my verbal diarrhea. I just completed a painfully long assignment and my head is throbbing. Thankfully, I have a Blackberry to blog on. And no, don't worry, it's not an advertorial. My Blackberry serves me really well when it comes to assignments. I'm grateful I'm able to buy this to cope with my final semester and the thesis as well.

I'm going to bid you adieu now, before I get sick looking at small screens as well.

attempting to Blog from BB Onyx

2010-03-11T20:26:00.004+08:00

Major FML no.1: couldn't access my favourite blue colour font. Will
attempt one with another browser. Currently using Bolt Browser. I actually went to the web to copy and paste the html coding so that the color comes out. Why am I so anal! FML!

Major FML no.2: could upload pictures. But could not adjust where the
picture should go unlike the computer. And could only view pictures in '
preview' mode. This picture was captured while in Mid Valley with Marc.
Him and his enthusiasm for Lamboghinis. Just got lucky we saw a
convertible.

That's all. Stay tuned as I try more attempts at blogging from a
Blackberry for all Blogspot blackberry users out there.

Drug

2010-03-01T18:28:00.002+08:00

My drug, my ecstacy, after being deprived of it for so long, I've finally gotten it back.

It's so liberating, it relieves me of every stress coming from the strands of my temple, probably the only reason why my tempers flared up because I was lacking of it.

My one and only collection in the world. I was so happy, and angry at the same time when my brother tampered my old stuff with his junk. I mean, what does he know? My soul is free using them, it's NOT to be tampered with his!

Oh, in case you're wondering. I'm talking about my music collection. I just finished transferring each and every song I cherish into the new laptop. And listening to these songs brings new refreshing thoughts to me.

I did wonder whether my impending stress came from the lack of listening to songs I've collected over the past three years, each signifying a different phase of me, each telling different stories.

When my mom told me I was musically inclined as a baby, I'd never knew it's like this. With my meagre musical talents, I do recognise the quality of a good song, a meagre song, a "meh" song, and songs that were NOT meant to be released but still is.

But of course not every song I have is of the work of a genius. Some are just pure fun, but fun I can listen to every now and then. Not everyone agrees to my taste of The Ting Tings, but they were promoting Brit funk pop and I do not hesitate listening. It was mindless fun, and catchy.

Anyways, I'm done here. Changed my comments settings, so to people who want to comment you gotta register yourself. It's to ward off the spam at the moment, until I see some improvement to Blogger's comment box.

Back to working on my thesis. Ciao

Pleasant Surprise

2010-02-20T14:38:00.002+08:00

Surprise.

Yeap, I've decided to change my blogger template to this to distinguish what is my personal blog and what is my public one. I've decided to make this personal. The public one is out there somewhere. You just need to look for it. I have yet to add new things into it yet.

I have other surprises too. I found that for the first time in many years, I did not dread Chinese New Year's Eve. Previously my perception has been clouded by years of not seeking any attention from the relatives, but so many people have since left this clan, it's no longer exciting nor fun. It's just an obligation.

My cousins though, tried something different. They called it "Cousin bonding time", told us to all come out and play card games like mafia, so on so forth. It's different since they used to be the ones who do not try to talk to any of us. Maybe they've grown up, matured abit, that we could blend together. But it's abit hard to repair past relationships ever since. Me thinks the Chinese New Year Eve will always be like that, not exciting enough.

Relatives have been asking me when I graduate. When I tell them the date they'll ask what I plan to do. And, as if it was an embarassing thing to do, my mom would tell them my intentions to work overseas (it's still a thought, I don't know if I can, it'll be nice if I can). And then they suggested me to learn business. Good trade, good knowledge, increases experience. Bah >_>, them business-minded fellas. What's sad is that since they don't know how the media works (being the only one in it, ha), I find it hard to explain to them, especially when my experience limits to that 3 months of writing safe news, as my lecturer calls it.

My maternal side of relatives were a lot easier to deal with, and so much nicer, at least they don't ask that kind of questions. I think it's because I see them much more often than I see my paternal side. It was really funny because this year, we booked to go to Overseas Restaurant, a private room, and there was this karaoke machine. My whole family (well, almost whole family) went berzerk, looking for songs, and singing songs I've known since childhood aloud. We are all karaoke fanatics really. And I just sang, sang my heart out. I don't want to be the reluctant one since, well, I was the oldest of all the cousins there.

It was new, something different, I feel that this year my perceptions that I used to hold were challenged. But I happily disregard them, I never liked to look at things negatively and rightfully, this turn of change allows me to drop that thought. I honestly wish after this year, next year will also be the same, happy, non-intrusive Chinese New Year where I'll be happy to share my experience, I think.

I think I'll stop here, the throat infection's been getting into me, I'm in the midst of transferring my old stuff from my old laptop to the new one, and I want to get used to the new device. Yeap =), I've gotten the Blackberry Onyx and the Laptop. Full review of the Blackberry after transfer is complete.

Oh, and I registered to be a voter today =). Life is good.

If you have any comments, please feel free to email me. I've updated my email, no longer relying on Marc's email LOL. The comments are still filled with spam though. If anyone know what to do, email me too. Thank you!

And yes, that is my name.

Bye. Happy Chinese New Year. May you have many pleasant surprises in return too.

Three

2010-02-04T12:37:00.002+08:00

Since I still have that little more time, I guess I'll conjure a post about the third year.

It was the year of so many changes for me and him.

We changed a lot, undergoing two internships in one year, fought a lot more than usual, have become more honest with each other (hence the increase in arguments), and still have so much love for each other.

But it's like going back to square one. Gone were the days where his idealists views, measured with my real-time experiences, that we find it so hard accepting each other sometimes. Going through those two internships, and having me moving to another campus just gives us more time to discover ourselves, and fortunately or not, to learn even more about each other.

Ephyon in 2007 is never Ephyon in 2010.

And to tell anybody who cared about this relationship, it is actually in the state of mending itself. I have learnt throughout my 2009 that I should have just kept to my principles before I let anyone tamper over it and make decisions I don't like to keep using. I guess my stubbornness paid off somewhat, and now people are better at seeing how I really am before they presume what I'm not.

Unfortunately, I can't do the same to him. We are both just too stubborn.

The fact that I've detached myself from almost everyone right from the start of this year spells a doom in my relationship with them for the coming years of my life. The fact that I've detest a few upcoming events might make me look like another loser in the group (which I don't mind losing, I've been adamant at leaving and not turning back). But due to the fact that this group was the very thing Ephyon and I and this bunch of people whom I know since Foundation have built, it was meant to last. With more and more additional beings into the group which I personally don't feel necessary. Which is why I want to leave, coupled with a few hates that I have bore for the past few years, and it's a signal for me to go.

I'm honest with myself and with the others, but Ephyon never once want me to hurt any of his friends through my brash and selfish actions. I hate it when he goes against my will with reasonings that was sometimes illogical.

It gets very complicated sometimes and I don't fancy being in a relationship anymore. I'm sure at some points he might also feel the same. There is a certain restriction, there is a certain bond that needs upkeeping. I can't just dump the relationship to go on another trail of my life, and I will be forced to do another balancing act once I'm out in the open in the working world.

If you ask me now, I honestly don't know where this relationship will be heading. It's a miracle it reached the third year, and I can still write about the same guy for so long. It's amazing, coming from a non-existing vow, a barely needed chase, a seal of a kiss between a girl and a boy who don't know what lies ahead of them.

With all this faced it could also mean there are going to be several more challenges ahead of us. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I can make it, not after the two internships which was truly an eye-opening factor for both me and him.

It's times like this I'm also glad that I got this great man at the same time who's willing to offer half of his life to share with me, something I'm still unwilling to return sometimes. I'm grateful that he was partly the reason why I'm going to go back to my old self, because he was comfortable enough to allow me to. Therefore, I might look like a shut-in from the outside, from people who don't know me, but in truth, I have priorities and principles, and only he sees it. Hopefully my other friends see it too.

With that said, I think it's time I give him a proper identity. Calling him Ephyon was never my favourite, because I feel like it's just yet another virtual name amongst the various virtual ones we have. But thankfully he does have an English name, therefore not only give him some sense of identity for my writing, but still protects his anonymity, somewhat.

Say hello to Marc. The name Ephyon will be put to rest.

What will happen between me and Marc this year, I honestly don't know. But hopefully we'll have many more years to come that we could cherish, that my ambitions do not deter this relationship, that maybe, just maybe, a proper space between the both of us, so that no one else could interfere anymore.

That's all. I love you Marc.

P.S: I'm going to close the comment boxes for the time being. Too many spams around it. Thanks.

To Bitch

2010-01-30T23:54:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry for being away for so long. The thesis finally caught up to me. But since I'm awaiting feedback, I guess I could compose a little something, just anything to keep my mind out of it.

I've been really frustrated and angered by negativity and I feel like having some kind of space to rant out. If people were to try and talk me out of this my suggestion is to just stay away. I'm pure angry.

I have this really unlawful feeling towards girls. Not just any girls, but girls who generally feel weak and unprotected. They think the whole world owes them something, therefore they'd stop at nothing to exert every single pity they can from people. Bummer.

I once had knew this girl through those idol forums. We chatted abit, I think she was one year younger than me. Pretty looking lass, since we exchanged pictures. Mine left nothing to desire of course. But we often chat on MSN, because that's where my free time went when you're 15 and out of PMR.

Well back to pretty lass. It started off about our admiration for idols who gets sponsored, and sponsored a free phone as well. We marvel about handphones because it's impossible for us to get and secure one for our needs. Then she told me, how sad she was. She was using a Nokia. She wanted to upgrade to a new phone, but her parents do not allow her to. So she was ranting, complaining about it, said it was restricting her freedom (god knows what freedom, but whatever LOL), and then she said she cried a lot thinking about that upgrade that never happened.

I'd think she expected pity, because when I said "I'm sharing, with my sister, one number, one phone, a shitty Alcatel one at that". Hoping to tell her there are people out there less fortunate and she should widen her perspectives abit.

She called me a liar.

Only then I threaten to show her my late father's picture (I don't know how did it lead to that) that she knew I was telling the truth. She apologised for those words.

But, she stopped talking to me after that.

Then I felt that she was truly an idiot to not appreciate what her parents had done to her. And then I think to myself, would I be pushed to live this kind of life if the circumstances did not turn against me?

It was after this incident, I try not to talk about my past life. It's too harsh for currently living standards. I'm honest. Nobody could imagine living the life I used to live. In fact, even my current life also no one wants to live in it.

Hence, the only reason why I feel very strongly towards girls (or bitches, when I'm angry) who couldn't stand up for themselves when they need to. It just makes my blood boil when they cannot find their own solution and have to rely on others to make their lives easier. I mean, come on, it's your friggin life, you don't need someone to assist you every step away.

Then people would say, oh sure, YOU don't know what it feels. YOU are not studying at another state like THEY are. YOU have the advantage what. What's with the fuss?

Anyone who told me that, will get a big FUCK YOU.

Even if I don't live in other states, Hello, you think Kuala Lumpur is easily conquered with the wave of a finger? I also went through trouble before I could reach certain destinations, ON MY OWN mind! You think like you? Had to rely on someone else just because, maybe because, you don't know the function of Google Maps Hmm?

Of course, sometimes it can't be helped if some of my girl pals feel helpless due to lots of parental restrictions towards them (and sometimes me). And I believe if you have the time, do some THINKING before opening your mouth to ask. Your brains are there for thinking and research.

Goddamnit, and I get even angrier sometimes because it's so close to home for me =(. I can't avoid it, nor can I solve it, because my solution is too harsh for current situations it seems. All I do is just wait till my Feminism barometer reaches its limit. What happens after that might just change my whole life forever.

I feel like a bitch bitching about it, but if I don't I'll just become angrier. Sometimes, its towards friends whom I'm close to, sometimes its towards people whom I've started to dislike. It's a terrible trait, but I absolutely view weak-shits with disdain. Plenty of it.

What am I to do to get those bitches to wake up? A tight slap, will that be good enough? A simple scolding and telling off, will that be alright? A good advice on how to survive yourself?

In any case, somebody was quoted to saying I can't change the world, but goddamnit, can I change the people around me to stop being so vulnerable to these weakshits? Who knows, as my other friend say, Maybe because people are lonely, so they always try to seek company. Yeah, probably so lonely they seek these people out to give them all the comfort they need. Win-win situation.

In times like this, I'm glad my favourite "Don't Fuck With Me" blogger is around to be read. She has a family, four sons somemore. What I like best is that her husband listens whenever she has something to complain. And yes, she has the problem with weakshits too. Except, hers was a guy. Mine....don't even talk about mine. Can't talk, don't talk, don't want to talk. Enormously plagued.

I need more "Don't Fuck With Me" bloggers around. So that one day, I'll really say those words, and hopefully weakshits be away from my life.

Actually there's another solution. But it takes two to tango. The letting go part of tango.

Sigh.

Sorry, maybe no post of the Third Year. Mostly it will be caused by me being busy. Nothing more. I think.

Since I feel better now, I'm going to resume to preparing the presentation.

Mini stress one - check.

Dearest Moon

2010-01-12T23:39:00.003+08:00

Whisper thy fears to thine ears
What troubles thee?
That shroud of loneliness
Possess thouest heart of gold
Turning it into burning stone
Discomfort and disbelief
Began the course of overwhelming
Taking over thine precious sanity

Wail thy sorrows to thine shoulders
What causes thee?
That unfaithfulness in reality
Proceeds to crush thou
How thy life began it woving
When thou art weak, unwilling
What happens thouest strength?
Creeping behind? Unthinking?

Seek thy wine and toast
To the unsatiable
Unfathomable, untrustable, unreliable
Laugh at thine face, thou need
For thou had no more
Who resides in thouest corner?
Could herd that pitfall near
Pushes all judgmentalisms
Back to thee?

Hard to comprehend, thine dearest Moon
How dost thou be the last hope of thine sanity?
How dost feelings turn to numerical, which calms thine soul?
How dost, of all things, a tragedy waiting to be repeated, hurts the most?

Woven and woven again I feel
The complications that stabs thine heart
The unapproachables robs thine mind
The murkiest, grossful, wretched knowledge!
Feels up to thine sleeves taking over! ME!

And thus, Dearest Moon.
Herein lies the author ought to be
Merciful under thy hands
Begging for comfort, for a smell of white freedom
For the longing, for the desire, for the abosh

For Dearest Moon
I shall crawl under thy hands
seeking for that last smile that belongs
to me...

Approaching 2010

2009-12-30T00:33:00.003+08:00

I wanted to post a set of lyrics I've created because I thought it was funny. Therefore I've made a quick search around this whole year, the things I've posted to see if I could tally with that.

And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.

It must have been a shitty year for me.

I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.

I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.

Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)

I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.

I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.

Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.

I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.

Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.

My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.

As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.

My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.

The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.

But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.

So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.

It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.

That said, it served me well.

And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.

Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.

My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.

My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.

My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.

My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.

My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.

Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.

And I will have a better 2010.

Filler Post

2009-12-13T13:18:00.004+08:00

Lacking of motivation to write and busy with studies. Thesis, such a biatch. Exams, holiday mood, shopping impulses...><

But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.

Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.

Enjoy.

And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:

Enjoy.

2am

2009-12-03T00:01:00.002+08:00

I've been sleeping at this time for almost seven weeks now.

And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).

I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.

I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.

Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.

But there's no such thing as enough achievements.

I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.

I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.

We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.

I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.

He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.

And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.

I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).

And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.

One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.

I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.

And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.

But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?

I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.

I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.

I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.

I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.

I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.

I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.

And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.

But who is my calculator?

Twenty One? About Me

2009-11-19T08:00:00.001+08:00

Hello. My name is CiNDi. This is my blog name.

I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.

Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.

Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.

Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.

I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.

My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.

I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.

I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.

My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.

I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.

I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.

Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.

My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.

My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.

What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.

Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.

I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.

I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.

I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.

I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.

I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.

But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!

Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.

It still matters after all

2009-11-15T00:34:00.003+08:00

I've got a message from him.

He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.

I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.

Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.

I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.

Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.

I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.

I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:

1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.

2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.

3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.

4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.

I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.

I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.

I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.

I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.

I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.

Because, it still matters after all.

It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.

Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.

It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.

I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.

Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.

A little bit sick

2009-11-08T23:25:00.002+08:00

Getting a little sick again.

Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.

Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.

Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.

Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.

Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?

Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....

Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?

I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.

~Please take my away from here~

~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~

-Fireflies, by Owl City-

P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?

I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?

是时候...

2009-11-03T01:12:00.003+08:00

写些华文吧。

其实也不懂为什么，之前心事都可以用华文发泄，而且会觉得舒服。现在，好像失去了那基本的知识哦。

这个宁静的夜晚，既然没有哀伤，跟之前相差好大。之前，也有四年了，我都快毕业了，又要面对社会。想到这里，我只能说：凄惨！

不好意思，真的很久没有用华文发言，音腔怪怪的。

好想念一些歌，其实我蛮会很多首歌曲，不过随着时间变动，以及大学的影响，总是，每次听到熟悉的华文歌曲，我会想起中学。呵呵。

我华语真的蛮烂一下。少了那哀伤，那纯真的悲哀，中学的那些困扰，然后看东西总会很快地想通，所以英文已经流利的不得了。

I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But

我还是想用华文跟大家互动。怎样？第一次以华文来抒发情绪的感觉如何？会觉得我超恶心，要我停吗？

Rant

2009-10-22T14:39:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Pardon my crude. I'm in the midst of blowing up.

A year ago, Streamyx decided to fuck up my whole internet system with a bunch of asshole technicians who seemed to be unable to converse in simple English terms and having the inability to understand when we demand to know which company they come from.

Apparently when you work with TM, TM gives their fucking contract to incompetent assholes who may or may not layan you depending on their fucked up mood.

So after lots of arguments with the HQ and that fucked up company with such a bastard arrogant snobbish boss, the Internet was fixed. But not without destroying my house phone line and causing us to call an outside wiring technician to fix that stupid line.

All was well. That was last November. I've blogged a couple of times while in the cyber cafe incapable of doing nothing.

Now, I'm in the cyber cafe again.

You guessed right. My internet was busted for the second fucking time in the duration of a year.

And this time those fucking idiot technicians don't even bother to show up, for two whole days. And the boss calling every other day to ask "No one called you yet?" to my mother.

You know, it'd be great to lose the internet connection now if I weren't studying like my brother who just finish his PMR. Or my sister who's exams are text-book based, not on fucking current issues.

What the fuck was I thinking? I'm staying with a family who don't understand how important it is for me to stay connected all the time. Because all they see was a girl distracted from her work because she watches Youtube (without caring what the hell am I watching), Facebooking, and Chatting all the time! (of course! I can't be chatting about work! I'm always into chatting frivolously aren't I???) EXACTLY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MASS COMMUNICATION WAS ABOUT STUDYING OUTDATED TEXTBOOKS LIKE A LEVELS OR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! THANK YOU!! As if my university had anything adequate. Ptui!

And good riddance to that fucked up Streamyx. With that "fucked up" look of theirs they are bound to lose more customers. Hello, you think we live in 2003? Where the only internet service provider is YOU?!?!?! You think we don't have other alternatives, like say...the CYBER CAFE??? Our MOBILE PHONES??? But you know, I'd truly appreciate it if I can surf the internet at the comforts of my own house. But Nooooo, your fucked up technicians JUST DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP!!! They decided that it's better, to let us ROT To DIe! By not fixing our fixed line.

Our phone line was totally dead, with no dial tone. And you know what? WE DON'T PUSH YOU LIKE WE DID THE LAST TIME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!!

Of course, the only bad thing is no other alternative actually has coverage in the area I stay in. But I'd take ANYTHING other than SCREAMYX. Really, ANYTHING TO GET THOSE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH OUT OF MY HOUSE!

And thanks to YOU my equally internet obsessive boyfriend had a fight with me yesterday because he's pissed I'm hogging his PC and the internet for research/entertainment purposes. Like I'm supposed to concentrate on work, as if he actually does the same. Boohoohoo. I do other things while on the net. SO? Did my work deteriorate because of that? And now, when I REALLY need the internet, because I'm studying ONLINE JOURNALISM, this internet connection decided to fuck up on me????

Either the internet service providers give some coverage now in my area, Or I'll just fucking move from my house. I've had it, had it, had it!!! I'll bash something now if I could.

FUCK!

Love, Actually? and multiple things

2009-10-09T23:02:00.004+08:00

I probably should prohibit myself from reading blogs of anyone younger than me. Really.

Because no matter how intelligent they sound like they still and always grapple almost the same things which I'm really going to sleep by now: Love.

How hard is it to understand the concept behind love? You have it, you flaunt it, you express it to someone who deserves it, and you leave when you think they don't.

Bullshit rules like "When you're single you can hug hot guys" really should be shove down your own throat. Cause I hug any guy I want even I'm in a relationship and I don't need anyone to tell me to do it conditionally.

No I'm not in an argument with Ephyon, just a tad frustrated over the lack of blog content to read. Politicians is as usual, up to date, thank goodness. I can still find out what's wrong with the country while being stuck at home with my Final Year Project. Le Thesis is getting harder to edit by the second because I'm also stuck at home looking at *gasp* games like Left 4 Dead 2 ><, and Windows 7, and the Onyx...!

And I probably should share abit of a love tip thingie that kept my relationship strong enough. Something I believe needs to be shared among us especially since I've been listening to stories about problems and I think I need to stress this bit again...once again. Or maybe I'm just being snooty cause a lot of these problems are none of my business and yet I just want to point it out so I look important bwahahaha.

I think I've stressed it once and I'm not afraid of stressing it again: Communication, Communication, Communication.

No It does not limit to just compliments. You blardy shout at your partner if you have to just to get your point right across his ears. You use threats, you use screams, you destroy things belong to him.....err....provided that it's not that valuable, I didn't tell you to destroy his phone okay? And once that is across, then both of you can sit down and talk.

One thing I dislike about being a girl is the opportunity for us to keep our mouths shut until things really get out of hand then we blurt. And then it leads to a problem. That's what girls always cry at the phone to another gal pal when she feels the problem twitch (or skewer, depending on the seriousness of said problem), because when it was just an early detection, they won't talk, and then one thing led to another and it will be too late to discuss about it.

I used to do that earlier during the relationships but in 2009 this really toned down a lot. Probably because we were in internships and we spent a lot of time NOT trying to push so hard onto our other selves and yes, when we said we are busy, we ARE busy, not just some lame Dota outing to be put as busy. (oops, I'm still mad about him and his dota outings. In fact, he's in one now as I'm blogging XD)

Oh, and don't be afraid to be dead honest on what you think about the relationship. In fact, if he's disinterested in being honest in the early stages, you probably should get going and ignore that son of a bitch. Only stay with guys that are worth your time (my bf stressed "WORTH YOUR TIME" cause he thinks he's one of those XD)

Of course, I can only say this on behalf of people who are my type. Relentless, uncaring, hates pink, NOT fickled minded, relaxed, go with the flow kind. Fickle minded pretentious people can try this method and find that it doesn't succeed because it's SO not them. They on the other hand made up rules that determine what can single people or people in relationships can do ;)

So what is Love actually? I'd like to think it's something universal, that is inside us, binds us, heck, probably what made us humans. If you believe in what your limitless mind can do, love probably stop that and kept you grounded. Which is why often times, sadly, geniuses are often lonely. No one can understand them =/ I probably do not need to set examples no? It exists everywhere.

Sometimes it's just weird, to choose between mind and heart. Lets say, look at a painting or watch a movie. You might admire technicalities of the painting because your mind tells you so. But you cry or feel extremely happy watching, reading something because your heart tells you so. Hmm....

Don't mind me. I love pondering about these. My friends said I'm weird because I love to stare at something. Indeed, I can just keep staring without saying anything for a darn long time.

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I've found a staple Youtube Channel to watch. Before that I always anticipate the weekly programme The Listening Post (from Al Jazeera English Channel for those who are curious) because I love how they analyse the media and the relations around these decisions and their after effects on the media in general. One thing I did not like was the fact that they do not cover much of the Asian region other than North Korea and China. They are pretty much concentrated in the Middle East, USA, South America and Africa, and the occasional Europe, but not a lot.

And then I stumbled across this Channel called Current TV. I say stumbled, because I happen to watch one of their episodes on The Listening Post and I decided to try watching most of it. As it is, I Love It! I love the presentation, the sacarsm, the charm and wit exalted by each presenter. Best thing is, they are not your stereotypical hunk/blonde that was so easily found in E! or MTV. They are the proof that geeks are actually quite cool. It's a plus point that this TV channel is funded by Ex-Presidential Candidate Al Gore.

Programmes: I cannot claim to watch all of it, but what I look forward to is InfoMania and SuperNews! They make news consumption much much easier, like funding Rambo to stop terrorism in Afghanistan by the help of Blackwater Corporation, a private Military group (which I don't know that there was such a thing. Military? And Private? And selling weaponry to possibly anyone who can afford it?), presented in all things cartoony and absurdity.

InfoMania on the other hand is a half hour show but I only watch the bits and pieces because our bandwidth is slow. I can't wait for the full 30 minutes to be load on Youtube before I start watching them. I liked Conor Knighton and Sarah Haskins a lot. Also, Look out for Sergio Cilli's White Hot Top 5 for the billboard chartings and music videos complete sacarstic comments. How witty are those comments?

My boyfriend, who usually don't watch these shows, actually looks forward to them after I showed him a few clips XD.

If you're thinking "oh man, CiNDi is weird. How the heck are these shows interesting?" Yes I am, I actually find these shows entertaining. In fact, the last time I touched a real tv show to watch was the CSI series which I raved about for the past 2 years. Internship just got me cut off from TV totally. And I just don't rely on them now. Youtube became my main source of entertainment. And blogs, and Facebook.

Hmm, I'm embracing the digital media. Completely. Woot.

The other reason was that as mentioned, I really loved observing. So media studies and media observation is probably most welcomed because I love how they subtlely tells us the most serious issues. Of course The Listening Post remains always on a serious note because they are highlighting the shiftings and changes of the media systems, but Current TV presents it in a more subtle way, in a way that it's attractive for people who find it attractive.

I cannot stress it enough. I really love Current TV's SuperNews! and InfoMania. I'll probably try out other programmes when there's something of interest for me =)

I do have a passion for media observation. I felt so impassioned watching Frost/Nixon. That is yet another tale to tell. For me, myself and I. I'm sorry if I sound weird, but I can go on and on about my fascination about the media XP.

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I mentioned about the frustrations due to capitalist ideals hogging on the blogosphere in the last post. I don't mind la. Advertorials then advertorials la. But day in, day out, advertorials only. Then nothing was actually your personal interest? Boring lor macam ni. How ah?

I guess I'm not much of an advocate for using your personal space and then transform it into a public/professional space. It gets people confused, and then to add salt to the wound, you have to join a certain blogging community to really get in touch with these personas up close. I don't have to Nang it that clear right? ;)

Thankfully, I found this really cool link from a blogger who I have no qualms about because I think she's kinda cool. She wishes this will happen in Malaysia. I so totally agree. Bf reckons he finally found another girl who speaks like me through this blogger. Joyce Wong's the name, KinkyBlueFairy's her domain. Check her out if you haven't already.

Bloggers Must Disclose Payments For Reviews

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Ephyon has an American accent. Due to that, and his massive hairyness he's often mistaken as an American Born Chinese. It was fun looking at how some people tried to guess his origins. Until now, no one can guess that he could speak or even read Mandarin when meeting him for the first time.

And then I asked him do I have a specific accent when I speak English.

Apparently I don't. I don't sound like a Brit, American, European, not even Ah Beng Ah Lian. I just don't have an accent.

What does "don't have an accent" sound like?

"You". Ephyon would answer =_=

But now he has found a term to call my accent. I don't like the sound of it but it's called "Malaysian upper class accent". And no, I don't approve of such a term. "No accent" sounds way better.

Maybe I should stop comparing my accent with his. It depresses me because he can be identified as American. I can't be identified with anything Western nor do I really sound too localised. But he said KinkyBlueFairy sounds like how I speak. Hmm.

Zewt, want to add that into your study of "Bananaristic" cultures? XD

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That's all. Oh I really just dribble on and on and on. XD

Tickled

2009-09-29T18:35:00.004+08:00

Internet trolls, are also sadly, the majority beings of the universe who'd do anything to make themselves look stupid, pass on stupid bills and vote for stupid people.

This reminds me of this Newsweek article that Obama should concentrate on how to handle the complexities of the Congress instead of appearing on TV so much. But how to? The media had announced an all out war against him for the health care reforms he proposed in which he wishes to push for the bill approval by end of this year.

It's an insane media war Mr. President have to fight. So if the World's Most Charismatic President is having trouble engaging not just his own people, what do you think a puny little state leader like ours can?

Mr. Prime Minister was the smartest, he just don't answer. Mr. Chief Minister whom everyone is going against in Penang right now, tries his best to appease everyone, but also to cover up his mistakes for allowing certain things to pass through before the Kampung Buah Pala scenario had gone out of hand. I believe you can find those issues just by reading Anil Netto, Chan Lilian, and a lot of them Citizen Journalists in Penang. I myself, being not a Penangite, cannot be assured that my ground will be neutral.

It is just that we all grew up to have the most stubborn heads I've seen. To put it in a more general way of explaining situations, no matter how many times the latter news articles had clarified that the late Michael Jackson was suffering from a skin disease that sees his skin became whiter, my mother was still convinced that he bleached his skin, and very much kept announcing so during his death.

And you'd think people haven't tried to explain to her. I did, got into an argument about it to her about it somemore, but it did not see a change to what she sees. Whatever she sees, she's still utterly convinced that his skin was bleached. Can't say that I didn't try no?

The same goes for the climate change issue, the politics in our country, the annoyance towards more and more capitalist ideals now even appearing in the blogosphere. No matter how many intelligent comments given to clarify issues concerning these things, there's more stupider, lower comments that will tend to override what have just been clarified. Intelligence is getting swallowed up, and the only time intelligent people can rebuke stupidity is to show the exact moronic views uttered by themselves to others, and let other stupid people judge their own stupidity laughing at others, until they are being judged as well.

Yes, people. Welcome to the War of Stupids and Trolls. And currently they are always winning due to the coloured views of the world which the dominant people are encouraging and pushing through.

Then you might ask, what is intelligence? Who can call themselves intelligent and smart, or heck, is intelligence even gradeable?

I sincerely don't know. But I know that I'm looking at this really awkward culture being brought up that look like it'll swallow up the world. Well, maybe the world I see will be swallowed, not the whole world. It's still big, no matter how small Walt Disney claims it to be.

As for the Kampung Buah Pala issue, I can safely say, the people who are yelling and pointing fingers at Mr. Chief Minister right now, are people who did not study Public Administration. These offices, they have protocols, and they, sadly, do not work entirely under the state government. So go cry to the Big Bad Wolf, if you can even reach him. Don't get stuck outside the Putrajaya Perdana like some other blogger does.

Although if I were to be a local journalist next year, maybe the first article I will work on is "Kampung Buah Pala - could it have been avoided?", and then ask everyone who wants to give a piece of their mind, or see them claim amnesia to the issue or refuse to give any answer that is smart. That will shut the old trolls up....and make way for new trolls for attack ;)

And I'm not a person without faults. I have, sadly, find myself unable to commit to the 350 climate change no matter how Rin pushes it to me. I like her concept, but my coloured principles prevented me from taking a very active step other than what I'm doing now, which is recycling, reusing, etc etc.

I wonder though, could it be that we are destined to born with coloured, biased principles, therefore God gave us skin colours, and then we try to unmask ourselves by siding with our colours, or have a new principle altogether.

Hmm.....

But still, end thing is, I'm tickled with glee at how we Malaysians react when it concerns our country, and our politics. I bet any citizen reacts the same way, except with America, they converse better than our half-baked English methinks.

Lazy

2009-09-20T22:53:00.002+08:00

Finals sucks my soul. Sorry folks who've been waiting for something.

But I'd recommend this song if you feel down. I just watched Cars a few days ago and I loved the storyline and this song to bits! Maybe I'm just a homey person, I get teary thinking about the abandonned town. But it's okay. I love this song. Have to continue studying though so sorry.

Give a Thumbup if it made your day a lil brighter. =)

Torn Asunder

2009-09-04T22:01:00.002+08:00

My heart that has been
Pulled, Befuddled
Reasons not known but only to me

Torn, Torn and only Torn,
Stretched but not till its limits
If I will myself to commit, no more self

Wish for the stars for something?
I grab the opportunities
It's faster for me to huddle and crash through
instead of using a group

For some reason
Rock with You sings through me
I love him
That singer

What is but of dreams to me?
Find that question hard to answer
Not when it's easily dashed
Actually not really
My main agenda remained

Eyes look into the sky
Feet tied to the ground
Paralysed, unable to move
What am I to you?

Uncapable to touch the sky
No one wants the dirt I'm carrying
Definitely, maybe
The only comfort was the ability to still grab dirt

I'm sorry
I wish to
But if you can look at what I'm carrying
Maybe it's not supposed to be

How many are fortunate?
I'm fortunate
fortunate enough to survive that is
Not fortunate to extend help
None

Ring around, ring around,
Torn asunder, torn to pieces
I'll put me back again
But not you

Sorry
I'm torn
Will remain so
Until my things change
for my sake

Merdeka post - My thoughts rang true from an unlikely someone

2009-09-02T21:35:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the belated Merdeka post, my heart's fluttering somewhere that day, and my concentration's not full enough to dedicate yet another disappointing year in the Malaysian books.

However, somewhere quite far away from home, I saw a blog post that were buried in the archives from someone very unlikely, someone famous enough for me to dig through that archive and eventually found that thought-provoking post that I think what Malaysians should think about.

That person, is Jason Mraz.

I know, I've never really raved about him, but after watching his concert and writing a review about it. (I did say I interned in a newspaper right? Go find them. Hint: English newspaper only *winks*) I went to check his blog and I really liked his writings. So quirky, so unpredictable.

Never did I think that he'd write a post that struck so true, so my dedication to my Malaysia, is through him.

Credits to Jason Mraz, for touching the lives of not just his musical fans, but also from his blog (Note - he wrote this as a campaign for Barack Obama, but once you minus that factor, it still struck true to Malaysians):

"Patriotism 101, Ignorance & Why I’m VOTING for President Obama!

Patriotism isn’t necessarily a good thing. When the World Trade Center was skillfully felled, Americans felt threatened suddenly, and were told immediately it was the doing of Terrorists from Afghanistan. With blind faith we wielded our flags and gave permission to our young men to leave home and begin global terror of our own. We continued blindly down that road for years until hundred of communities and thousands of lives were destroyed by US brut force.

Yes, the United States, a country founded by immigrants in search of promise and independence, is the same country that suspiciously views any non-American as some kind of enemy or alien species. How did this happen? Since when did we become some proud American Race?

Heck. I forget sometimes that the early settlers, pilgrims, and explorers also relied on slavery and the slaughtering of indigenous tribes. So perhaps we’re doing nothing new and being bad is just stuck in our genes.

I grew up hearing racial slurs left and right by elders and peers. The hurtful, fear based words were usually names inserted after discriminatory remarks such as, “Learn to speak English, you ________.” I never understood it.

Growing up, there was always at least one kid at school from some place else and he or she never EVER posed a threat to me. I was always impressed with their worldly view or neat cultural interests they displayed at talent shows and show & tell.

Patriotism has caused this country to think it’s the only country in the world, that the world should respect our authority for some reason. This singular way of thinking is not only making the US an embarrassment, it’s positioning us quickly as the new enemy.

I do not want someone in the White House with previous WAR experience. I am NOT voting for Patriotism. I am voting for peace, progress, and unity. Sadly, this vote is referred to as the vote for change. Because peace, progress and unity is something we still do not represent in the United States.

I do not want someone in the White House who will continue to seek out Al-Qaeda and trick TV watching Americans into thinking we should invade Iran. (Sadly, that is what is happening between commercial breaks, and some candidates are oddly supporting MORE WAR. ????)

I also do not want someone in the White House who continues to allow lobbyists to influence the decisions of our lawmakers. The corporate money that contributes to Congress will always be worth more than your votes or phone calls that you make to your Senator or Representative. Chain emails and petitions don’t seem to have the same charm as their fat checks. If it did, Health Care would be affordable or free, our vehicles would be electric, and there would likely be enough jobs for everyone in the country, as we wouldn’t have closed so many manufacturing plants in the last 50 years.

With enough votes, Washington will HAVE to listen to us. It’s been too close in the past therefore the WAR-mongers keep on doing their dirty business.

Our nation is divided in far too many ways. We are split socially and economically and it’s at its worst inside the government.

Republicans and Democrats are both Americans with equal rights, yet somehow they are discriminated against based on opinion and fall too favorably to one side or the other without being open to respectful dialogue.

I’m being drastic, but I’m not.

I hope America can pull itself out of the hole she appears to be in. I hope the dollar can climb back up to a realistic value. I hope the Corporations are given less power and local people are able to participate in capital adventures again.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together."

-Jason Mraz-

Our country is not the free country, it's not the biggest country in the universe, but it acts as much a miscreant as the biggest country itself. Not just the ruling party, but the opposition as well. We need to wake up and prick ourselves to the biggest thorn on earth - we are not competent in any sort in this world. Our youngsters, in any rate, SUCK at finding work anywhere. So Lets do something this Merdeka - Do your worst to show love for your country if you truly want it to develop. Whether to equip yourself, to be an activist, to actively write in any space. Show that you care, you do love this country.

Be a lover, not a patriot.

Selamat Hari Merdeka.

Almost Forgotten

2009-08-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

The weird about my PMS is, I tend to find the oddest stuff possible when my mind's wandering around. This PMS struck me hard enough to allocate time for such eccentricism, I've almost forgotten how is it to be emotional at these precise times.

I don't why but I felt compelled to find for that someone whom I felt very close to through her writings. It was, I think, some time after Form 4 and I was once again clueless and not very sure where I want to go. I was stuck in a science class which was in fact not really the biggest mistake I've made, but close enough. I used to read her column in Section 2, now known as Startwo. I still remember her column comes out every Monday, together with the other columnist Mary Schneider.

Then as I stayed in the library after school, while waiting for my friend as he was the only Add Maths tutor I can ever understand, I somehow chanced upon finding her book, which was a compilation of what she wrote during the earlier editions, the ones which I will not find because I was too young or haven't existed. It was almost like her travelogue, most of it concerning the sights and sounds she experienced being "out there" (I used to call travelling "out there" because I felt hopeless without a passport, and I really loved to travel). I will never see anything high end or classy, but always about India, about Bangladesh, about Africans. About Asia.

Somehow I gathered that travelling was her work, and it had to do with educating women, she chronicled about life trying to give certain education to women, empowering them, letting them know about liberalisation, and the challenges she faced during those times. It was a magical story. She presented in a neutral storytelling way because she initially wanted to chronicle it like it was for her mother. I was enthralled by the stories, dismayed by the women she approached, felt sad for certain consequences she faced, and so on. For a feeble minded Form 4 student, I was thoroughly impressed with her.

You can say, she inspired me into journalism. I loved her stories, I loved her writing. I loved how she put a stand into everything and not making a damn big fuss about it, back when a big fuss was really, something small. Back when journalism actually was of something sensible and sensical (of course, now I know it was all suppression). I loved her travels. I've never been so grateful before for a school library, well known for stocking storybooks instead of real research work but I truly am grateful to find that book at that time.

When I became older I was told that my mom eventually joined her network of e homemakers when she took a 2 year break off working, to build and shape us after our father's passing. I couldn't really say that I'm that excited over that prospect. Homemaking was never my mother's cup of tea and she could never see herself selling things over the internet or even trying to become an internet entrepreneur. I guessed my mom was just too old or too used to physical workload to embrace technology, not as easily as we do.

I didn't like that part of her actually. I prefer the writer part. The one that would make me sit down before she opens yet another chapter of magical stories, unravelling and making me awed. However it seems that most people are impressed with her homemaking network and I won't be surprised. It was an achievement that most people still find amazing as they were the first movers.

And then it came. I don't know who was the last decision maker. I suspected it was The Star rather than herself. (Alright, confirmed it WAS The Star. Sons of bitches!) The end to her column. I should've gaped in horror but she gave me hope by telling us she'd write on her blog, which was her daughter's Christmas present. By then I was already in Journalism, having to be perfectly sure I am not going to fail my language papers, and actually score a damned good grade in English in SPM to reaffirm my decision to join Journalism. (My GSE was B3 though. Argh! Wish I could amend that)

It's been two years since. She hasn't updated that blog of hers, the last I've checked.

I hate to think that my favourite writer has stopped contributing her thoughts and words to inspire so many more others who might find her articles worth a read, in spite of reading other blogs like political-socio ones, like funny witty ones, like personal ones. I hate to think that. But it's been two years.

I've thought alot about other things since then, I've also done my internship, contributed a few of my pieces on the newspaper. I wished I really stopped to think about her, to think about the reason why I'm here, to stay, for good. Sadly I've never, and I've almost forgotten about her. Took me quite awhile before I remembered how cosy it was to be back at the library, re-reading that book, wishing that I was 16 once more, filled with dreams to want to become a journalist, instead of actually stepping inside to do so. But it's just my glimpse in the past, just to relive how it feels like once more.

"Stories for my Mother" was her column name. Chong Sheau Ching was her name. I really missed her writing, but I've almost forgotten her.

If only she starts writing again.....

Almost Died

2009-08-17T10:07:00.004+08:00

Hello Hello.

I'm blogging from my campus lab after having like, two classes in between cancelled and the next class will be 2pm. I guess I've abandon this long enough and I should update something again.

I almost got killed by the amount of assignments this year. Maklumlah, Ini dipanggilkan Tahun Akhir. Haven't started Final Year Project, and there's this assignment that deserved to weigh a tonne on the weighing scale. And another few classes that were pissed-off worthy due to the lecturers, and then some tantrums are thrown by other quarters that is sad to say, really turning my life.

What an amazing thing is I've managed to sail it through without throwing a big fit, at most I'll have restless sleep but so far I have yet to bitch around. Much. With loud voices that I want to yell at the world. What an amazing thing.

Don't mind me my thoughts are in shambles due to the many compressed events, I can't just unzip all of them in a simple blog post.

I've found a new love to play with when there's money, so bye bye Sony Ericsson, maybe another time when you've really improved with something worth a mention.

I will also invest in a new laptop when I can. The time has come to move on from the current one I'm using, but nevertheless that laptop has served me well. Time to move on to better gaming, and for once, a laptop with graphics card.

I'm getting kinda sick looking at StarMag's Dear Thelma for some reason. Especially about cases regarding infidelity that involves sex. Made my blood boil for some reason. Some men are just quite disgusting really. Don't want to divorce your wife because you love her and then went to look for younger poon. So nice to fuck meh? I really do wonder what old males think sometimes. In fact, not just old males, any male who cheats, I do wonder what the fuck were they thinking.

I'm being really cynical ever since I return from internship. A lot less tears, a lot more temper. Hmm. I like it though. People don't mess with me that much already.

And H1N1, I never worried about it. Built my immune system long before it became a pandemonium now. I've read Zewt's post and I thank the gods I'm not being sick in the first place. Gladly.

And and,wait, how come macam tarak recession news? Everything a-okay already? Must be la.

Still observing the political arena as usual, nothing much stood out. Even if it did I already missed it and therefore no point to elaborate further. I still like that RPK prank by another blogger though. It definitely shows alot about the professionalism in handling certain news and videos. They really should consider changing the management team or something. RPK's website should be for people who work under dedication for him and not something else.

For some reason, when news of The Nut Graph reported that they could not afford anymore money, somehow certain bloggers' comments section have turned into a bashup, something along the lines of "Padan muka, too much PR news". Hello, you want free media who are able to give different views or be stuck with mainstream news forever? Lets face it, we'll never turn back the time. Times has changed, unless the government feels appropriate to cut the Internet now.

Do you know that DAP now has a restaurant? It's called Rocket United Cafe. Coursemates all like to go there some other time.

What else? I think that's it la, nothing much already. Out of things to tell here.

Bye bye. Ciao ciao.

Anti ISA Rally - A Review

2009-08-02T14:09:00.003+08:00

Contrary to my previous blogging styles where I wrote continuously, I'm going to break it down to a few parts because it will cover different segments of what the Anti ISA Rally is about, and what impact will it have on Malaysians in the future. This is one blog post that I do not want my format or my topic to not be in focus.

Included in these segments were questions around blogs and websites (most of them anonymous and stupid) as well as doubts casted by Malaysians upon the reasons for protests and rallies, why must it happen, and many more facts to come. Most of these views are mine and presented by me, so if you want to blast or comment, target me alone. Thanks.

Anti-ISA - Politcally motivated

Many were upset to see the presence of Anwar Ibrahim, Lim Kit Siang, Members of Parliaments, and PAS supporters as they turn up at the rally gather points with massive support. They chose to walk with those who were non affiliated with anyone at all. And for some reason certain bloggers and commenters were abashed that their presence turned the Anti-ISA rally into a political machinery.

My lecturer (the best I've had in years) said this, "We have to make do with what we have in Malaysia, even if it isn't ideal,"

The presence of NGOs are too small and too weak in Malaysia to conjure a major support or even possess enough charisma to gather enough Malaysians so that their points are actually through for the government to see. It is unfortunate that garnering political support could only summon enough to voice out or show strength at the face of the government and the royal institution, pushing them to make a firm decision for the issue they focus on. In this case, the abolishment of ISA.

Had there a really convincing NGO that could muster the support of not just the urbanites, but also the rural citizens, then the organisers can march on without fear, without any political affiliation, with help from the many ordinary people who participated or just provide many information so that the rally could go on peacefully.

But until that time comes, Malaysians will have to make do with what they have, and be used to seeing politicians around the citizen arena, if they want to create a civil society.

Lack of participation of other races

Again, this issue had turned to be really stale with the many comments saying "I don't see Chinese around", "Where's Hindraf?", and "95% semua Melayu aje".

My question:"So?"

What's so apprehensive about having a major race parading and marching around the city? Isn't that exactly what the social structure of our country is like? 70% of Malays, the rest all are smaller portions to make into Malaysia. What is the message these anonymous idiots are trying to pass on? That unfortunately the Chinese, Indians and the other races categorised into "lain-lain" do not seem to care about ISA? That they are ignorant about the growth and development in this country especially when it comes to ISA?

How about this, how many of the people from those races actually have been detained under ISA? Not counting the politicians alike? Close to none. So why should it be their issue? And what is it to say about those from other races who actually came out to campaign and march on with the rest of their Malay brothers? Bravery? Political agenda? Self gain?

Think before anymore mentioned about the lack of participation on other race. How about this plain and simple fact: ISA is wrong, and people are campaigning because it IS wrong, not because of ANYTHING else.

Disruption of peace - Why must it be Kuala Lumpur

This comment takes the cake, and what made me angry the most. A somewhat peaceful rally was disrupting the peace of normal KL civilians around, minding their own shopping business, because of them that the police needed to take action, such as firing tear gasses around when people are still DRIVING, and spraying water aimed at protesters but also towards CARS who were there at the wrong place at the wrong time!

Oh yes, it IS the protesters' fault indeed, because KL civilians are unwittingly worried about their families outside. They could be harassed by protesters everywhere because based on the protesters' incessant slogan shoutings that seemed seditious and noisy to the ears of Malaysians, that marching in public raising fists actually meant destroying their property and wrecking buses, or even *gasp* harassment! That the protesters will go around scaring people and threatens to disrupt businesses!

My my, the protesters are scary indeed, where are the news reports about those worries? Zero, Nada. Zilch, Ling. Disruption of traffic yes, but peace? Malaysians never had peace since the March 08 elections. Get used to it, we are living in turmoil times where disruptions will occur every few months or so.

And why must it be Kuala Lumpur? Why can't they do it somewhere, maybe Kota Kinabalu? Maybe Johor?

Kuala Lumpur is established as a capital city for too many reasons, one being the symbol of Malaysia, what with the best looking architecture, and also a "capital city", generating income and finances enough to power up the full country of Malaysia.

But due to its symbol, it IS and WILL BE used for the many rallies held before times, and in the future. The symbol of development and growth starts in Kuala Lumpur and it will not end just here. Soon many other places might become potential rally points. But as long as it covers federal issues, you can bet that Kuala Lumpur will be the major and ultimate rally points.

This is why Malaysians should be proud of Kuala Lumpur; be proud that it is used as a capital city and a symbol of Malaysia, for different reasons, whether for economic development, or showing stresses of law and order abuse.

Education

I believe the Malaysian citizens should be more educated about the purpose of certain rallies and protests. This is why my FYP had something to do with the media and its educational purposes. The way the media represented issues like ISA are demeaning, if not there's no partiality, and not transparent. They are like wounded dogs (pun: Media supposed to act as watchdog), who could bark but will whine when their pressure points are pressed hard by their owners.

The Online Media have also represented, if not, different individual's view about the protests, rallies, politics, and also about different views. Read them CALMLY. If you don't agree with them, don't end up commenting over something stupid. This is for your educational needs and thinking, not to rebuke or presenting your views harshly.

I guess Malaysians are still far from being civic-minded. But I'd also be beefed if I needed another politician to remind people about having "first class infrastructure, third class mentality".

Lack of awareness

Of course, go on to many of the websites, especially Rocky's Bru, and a couple of other blogs to see the many comments that were demeaning and unsupportive of the Anti-ISA rally, based on the comments above which I have split up to (oddly enough, they are all anonymous. Coincidence?)

The lack of awareness was really frustrating. Especially when it comes with the protest that says it is a disruption of peace. True maybe, for that day, but please tell me any countries that has rised from development without any sort of protest rallies or even riots that occured around the nation.

If you want your country to develop, these must persist to happen because not everyone is like you, who's happy with every policy the government makes or uphold. Not everyone is like that. And as time passed, everyone starts being unhappy with them except you.

So who's being unaware and uncivilised now?

Lack of youth participation

Youths are not many in numbers compare to the many who appeared in the protest march. But I still don't see why is this a big issue. So the youths are worried of the tear gasses and water cannons. Big deal, everyone's afraid of that, plus the threats by police, the arrests. What is it that youths have to participate in it?

And the education that majority of the Malaysian youths received are not exactly giving much exposure on how is it like if people want to join or participate in this. So if there are lack of youth participation, maybe people should start empowering them or providing them the right and necessary information. It is after all, their choice if they want to go or not.

Actions from now on

If dear fellow Malaysians are not the protest kind nor do they want to be caught in the hype, at least follow up on issues that concerned you the most.

Register as a voter, and actually went out to vote. You don't have to announce to the world who you support (since most of you, especially youths out there has a blog). Cast a vote to show about who you really want to see to grasp power.

Read the mainstream media, but if you have access to the internet, go there, read up the other reviews. They may not be pleasant, but thinking and making a decision was never pleasant.

For rally goers, Join a rally when you have the mentality to. It's understandable that not everyone can just march up to the streets with throngs of other people, but when you can and are prepared, calm enough to react without panicking. Go ahead.

Stop asking obvious questions. Most people knew perfectly well why certain events had to go on and yet they don't want to give a definite answer to the questions, fearing that it will be the ultimate answer they have to admit to. Why, you should be doing that now would you?

Conclusion

I remember reading a blog by a girl my age 2 years ago, 2007, when I did not talk much about politics because I don't blog about things I'm not clear of. She was talking about how esctatic is it to join a big crowd, to deliver a memorandum to the Palace 2 years ago. The Bersih rally, the rally before March 08 that further led Pakatan Rakyat into power.

In her own words, "So Inspiring! :)". Her own words, she said she was proud to become part of history, she said her family and her boyfriend were so proud of her. She was not attacked by tear gas or water cannons, and they managed to peacefully hand in the memorandum to the King.

True, it was inspiring written 2 years ago. Me and her, we were both 19, we were both filled with idealistic inspirations, both wished to see that there is hope in Malaysia after all. That triggered me to join political science as a minor, there was even that slightest idealism as we studied the difference between ideals and realism.

2 years later, 2009, I joined the Anti-ISA rally. I was there, because I was being a journalist. I needed news for my mock up newspaper, which was an assignment. All I can think of was to be safe with my friends, not separating from them. I was tear gassed and chemical water was sprayed. My family was not that worried because they know I'm being impartial. Ephyon however, could not resist sms-ing me every few moments just to keep contact with me.

See how different rallies are 2 years ago from now? It's no longer inspiring, it's no longer for an idealistic purpose, but to push and force a reason out from the government, to take practical actions, like abolishing the ISA for good. It's no more fun and games. Rallies will keep happening and happening. Because Malaysians will get more fed up in the end if nothing changes.

As for that girl, nothing was said about her involvement in this rally.

I think she grew up. I think I did too. Learning about political science, and being in internship changed my perception.

Fighting also has a right purpose.

Are you angry?

2009-07-20T21:10:00.003+08:00

Yet another innocent man died in the gallows of what should be upholding justice. Are Malaysians angry?

Apparently, yes. They were shocked, saddened by the sudden departure of a budding young man who would have been a fine politician. 30 year old. This is not a big number, it is an age you and I can achieve easily.

He was supposed to marry his darling fiancee who had a 2 month old unborn inside of her, his child. He was to quit the political aide job so that he could be by her side and be in Malacca for the rest of his life raising that innocent child.

He was not the first death to made it to the news headlines. Different personas, same kind of victims. Who did they die to?

We all have the answers. We all know who did this. What is keeping us from taking any action towards them? What made them not wet their own pants?

It is the years of brainwashing led by the geniuses beyond their times. I applauded Dr Mahathir for being part of this propaganda. Being part of this product clearly enlightenned me instead. The majority of the young became wary of joining what it's called politics. Wary, scared, unimpressed, angry. Through education, we have never been taught to challenge the elderly, mainly the educated, the upper class, the wiser ones. No we've never challenged.

Shouldn't it be time to do so? Ask questions, be clear of the situation, do not take answers like "Because it is so" as an answer. Definitely not.

For years, I've observed myself and my mates getting beaten down just because we question the bureaucracy of the system which I called UTAR. We ask again and again to make clear of the situation. However, the ever "warm" course tutor would constantly say sentences like "I hope it clears the situation and no more questions will be asked". Know what it means? It is a silent threat, saying "Ask more, or faced being expelled".

Sigh.

Why? What's with this mentality? Isn't the tertiary educational system being brought up to constantly ask questions? Why? Why? Why? If we are unsure, don't make us follow rules that we do not know nor matters right? What is with this mentality? Tell me?

But for me, at least I know, I'm not angry. If I clearly don't know, I'll ask questions. If not, I'll challenged the lecturer. I've done so before and I'm very sure I will do it again to rational lecturers who see the light behind all of these arguments. It isn't petty, and I do not argue for the sake of arguing. So listen if you want!

So all I do now is ask questions again and again until they feel annoyed, until they felt compelled to answer these questions, until they feel like puking, till they need to tell the truth. Are you that angry, to kill them? To let them have a shorter life just because one of the comrades are dead?

No, I prefer they stay, I prefer that their lives prolonged, so they'll forever see that gush of blood at their hands, that their accidental "oops" slip led a man fell 9 storeys down. That they will live, in constant fear of getting stoned should they be among the public.

Are we angry? Yes we are. But are we going to let the anger get through our heads and resort to cursing them? No.

But if that's the case, more people will die due to injustice wouldn't it? Yes

Darren Kang, A. Kugan, Teoh Beng Hock however, will not die in vain. They have prepared a path for the next election to come. Lets watch and see, how many more people can choose to ignore the very blatent truth in their face and still fleeing themselves from being part of the destruction of society, one that can only be salvaged, when youngsters are going to actually make a move.

Are you angry? Yes, I am.

Are you?

The Death of The King

2009-06-26T17:32:00.004+08:00

Michael Jackson

1958 - 2009

"All the world will be your enemy"

"Prince of a thousand enemies"

"And whenever they catch you, they will kill you"

"But first, they must catch you"

"Singer, dancer, musician, King of Pop"

"Be cunning, and you will never be destroyed"

-reference from Watership Down and Supernews: The Death of MTV.

Its cases like these that I wonder if the media have done anything good or have been going down the dogs lately. He Lived and Died under the spotlight of the media.

Thank you for the songs. Rest.