Of intense crushes

When I was 17 years old, I had a very very, really, shamelessly, intense crush on a boy. A boy who I will not see after the school is over, and 17 was the last schooling year. So I risk it all to tell him how much I like him, how much I love him, yet I don't understand what love is. It's just this very intense feeling of happiness when he's happy, and extreme sadness when I see him hurt. And in the end, for our prom night, he chose a dance partner that isn't me, and I spent the night dancing with a couple of friends who are single instead. I remember having really bad stomachache the next morning, must be my gut instinct feeling my pain as well.

Looking back, it looks stupid. I look stupid, because girls generally don't confess their feelings to boys. It's been 13 years since, and he's going to get married soon. I wish him all the best and I no longer have that intense feeling whenever I see him, only wishing anything but the best for him. Looking back, it's probably a good thing we are not a couple, because as it turns out, we have different life directions, we're not that compatible in a lot of ways.

Intense crushes tend to happen when I fall too seriously toward a boy or a man who does not reciprocate. It tends to happen when I find someone so compatible to me, or who cares for me unconditionally. I've cried for intense crushes because I fear he doesn't know I exist, that I can care for him, talk to him, make him feel better. I may look like a complete idiot for doing this to myself but I can't help being expressive.

Now, approaching the age of 30, I sort of get what love is. After all, I've gone through a relationship with someone whom I thought was it, that I was to settle down with him, even though at the end, I chose to break it off because I just outgrew that relationship and I didn't think I want to settle down with just one guy at the age of 22. Other people may be happy to have found the One, but I was just getting started and working in the society. I have other adventures to go through.

And what an adventure it has been. In my head, that is. I've gone through more mental issues than a normal person would, went through the worst of the worse and came back alive and screaming. I have a job and I have also started dating again. Dated a few guys and found that two of them are just. so. amazing.

And then I made the mistake of piling my emotions on one of them. Sigh.

Intense crushes are the worst. They bring out the worst in me and I don't know how to handle this until it's too late.

Sigh, I'll have to find a way to apologise to him for coming on so strong. He's fun and I don't want to ruin the moment by doing this to him. Hopefully he'll understand and won't avoid me.

But if he already got spooked off, I can only blame myself and move on. After all, intense crushes like this, they're not permanent.

Sigh, now what?

I keep checking Facebook, like an addict. And I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I yearn to speak to someone, anyone that isn't my family, about my current predicament.

I hate my current self so much right now. So timid, so withdrawn, so out of touch with everyone, unable to keep up as the time kept moving on so quickly. Several times I thought about how useless I am in society.

I used to be a thinking person, able to elaborate and share my analysis about the world, but my illness has prevented me from doing any real sort of thinking and I can't seem to keep up anymore. As more people on Facebook kept sharing amazing stories that they've discovered, I'm left stranded in my own empty mind, unable to comprehend just what everyone was fussing/ranting/gossiping about anymore.

This is more frustrating than finding a job (something that I also struggle to do), this is part of my identity and I'm upset that this comprehension and understanding of the political as well as socio-economical aspects of life are no longer within my grasp. It's sickening and sad, but I can't cry about it either, since medication seems to have taken away my ability to cry as well.

Sigh. I wish there was something I can do to stop feeling like this.

I'm afraid of looking for a new job. Here are some reasons why.

1) I don't want to let go of my previous prospect, which was getting a scholarship to an overseas country, a prospect that I was forced to abandon because shit happened.

2) I don't like being dishonest about my current situation and lying about my condition.

3) I don't know how to arrange for my appointments should i get a job, especially if the appointments are also done in weekdays.

4) I'm still feeling afraid of speaking to people or elaborating about my past glories. I don't know how to sell myself to be employable anymore, which is something I have no trouble with.

5) To make up for the restrictions I faced over the last six months, I'm indulging in my moments of freedom, which means there's less interest in seriously looking for a job.

Also, there's some anxiety issues I'm facing right now that convinces me, that I will be horrible at doing small talk with people, even though that's probably what humans do all the time. Until I can sort this issue away, I really don't know where or how to start job hunting.

Still, wish me luck in overcoming all those obstacles so that something comfortable and suitable can land on my feet.

Six-month gap

There's a six month gap in my thought process.

Six months of missing out on world events, being involved with friends, losing all my thoughts and opinions, realising that my words and thoughts mean nothing, since the public audience don't seem to miss me or any of my contributions.

Of course, there's always friends around to remind me that I mean the world to them and they've been very supportive until the very end. I know that, and everyone around me has been telling me that.

But I can't let go. I can't let go of the fact that I lost something that would have defined me really well in the future, I can't let go of the fact that the drastic event that left me catching up on life has happened. While everyone seemed to slowly recognise the changes that occured, it becomes drastic to me because I have not been informed of such changes.

I'm still feeling a lot of anger and resentment over what has happened, yet nobody can be wholly blamed for what happened. It was a mixture of a bad dream and a nightmare that I still cannot recover from, no matter how many times I reassure myself, as I was closed off from the world in that six months, that I will emerge okay.

It's only been a week since I finally got out, and although I'm glad to resume my life, I also know that it's never going to be the same again.

I really just want to go and get my life back again, resuming my dreams of studying abroad, not being stuck here nursing my health.

Impulse driven

I've never felt more impulsive than I am feeling now.

It's an hour and a half past midnight, and I can't sleep. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I have a giant urge to relieve my hunger pangs by indulging completely, totally, into food i'm not supposed to touch because of a diet i'm currently going through.

I know what this hunger pang means. First of all, it's biological, a body deprived of its usual staple is a body that currently cries out at its cravings. Second of all, i have no issues undergoing this diet, if i'm at control, and the fact that I can feel hunger and I feel like lashing out, it's my sense of anger and frustration because i'm not able to keep my hunger under control.

And with that kind of impulse comes fear and anxiety. Over everything else, not food related. I'm angry at my financial situation because it's not safe and secure enough for me to indulge. I get angry at the idea that I don't know when can I do a proper handover to the new staff, which would free my mind to take up new opportunities (or whatever opportunities I can find here while I'm still around).

I keep hearing the word "stop" everytime another angry impulsive thought came in. I try to rationalise it. Confront it. Negotiate with it. Those feelings will eventually subside. But, as my most basic desire - hunger - have not been satiated, so too the rest of the anger and impulsive behaviour, it feels like I have not found the solution to all these upsetting situation i'm in.

So i turn to writing here again to get them all out. I did not expect to endure something like this when I agreed to go on a diet for another purpose (not to lose weight, mind you). The pangs were manageable on the first week, i don't understand why is my body reactting even violently now for desire to have the foods I used to eat.

But, I supposed the good thing is I discovered this impulsiveness of mine, the emotional irrational being that decides to emerge when things don't feel in control. I don't believe that hunger can be completely subverted by mental power or will, but i supposed directing my body to consume whatever fats there are in my body to get itself filled up will take awhile.

I have not decided if I want to make tomorrow a cheat day. I won't touch the really heavy stuff, but a nibble of two of the lighter stuff shouldn't hurt my diet. It's tempting, and I haven't eaten something good and satisfying for a while....because of this diet thing....

Bah humbug, it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be all jolly and welcoming, not moaning about my hungry fate and the reactions it's making me do.

Trying to go back to sleep now. Some form of hunger is somewhat satiated after writing them out. Is that what it takes? No wonder some authors write with their stomachs empty.

Feliz Navidad

Step by step

Yesterday - I managed to actually drive to the street where it resides.

Today - I managed to drive into the street and waited by the gateway. Thrice.

I didn't go in. I couldn't. Too scared. I wanted to experience coming back to it alone, not when there are people around.

My anxiety is ridiculous. I feel a huge surge of it at the thought of seeing new people, working with new people. It takes a long time for me to warm to people I know/don't know, that if the other side is impatient about it, then we might not cross paths.

The problem is even if I quit this position because I cannot muster the courage to go back to it, it doesn't matter; I generally dread connecting to people, period. All jobs and positions requires some form of connection, one way or another. And I'll only resign to isolation.

That's why I keep holding on. But..gah, so hard to determine and understand how to go about this.

I have an idea how. But i'll talk it out tomorrow. Hopefully, there's a general direction I can work on. *fingers crossed*

Stop

Stop. Seriously. Stop.
I'm tired.
So much bullshit.
So much money to pay and repay. So little time.
Tired of working on things I don't have passion on
Tired of working. Full stop.
But the bills kept accumulating.
Sometimes I have the engine to keep on chugging and sometimes I feel like, fuck it.
Today's one of those days.
I have all the enthusiasm to go and see the world in the morning. By afternoon all that evaporated. I just don't want to see people. I can't be bothered to go there and face them all.
They can't be bothered with me, so I don't want to be bothered with them.
I say that now, but I know I'm in the wrong. It's the pain and anxiousness talking, the uncertainty and what not.
I hate working there, but I cannot tell them that. They asked me if I'm still around. I'm still around but I cannot deal with them anymore.
Dealing with people is hard. I hate that. I want to rid of it, and I'm slowly learning how. One key point is to deal with them.

I'm supposed to do that today. But I can't muster the courage to do so...I feel like I'm wasting the organisation's time and money.

Yep, I'm still experiencing that emotional cycle.

Step by step

I've been taking small steps forward to experience life all over again. It's been tiring, exhausting, exhilarating journey. Step by step, I see myself turning and transforming.

Admittedly, step by step, I still find myself rooted on the ground, unwilling to move; or looking back, wondering why I even take that step forward when not doing anything seemed so much more comfortable.

Tempting, and i'm trying to resist that temptation. Whatever doubts I have now, i'm putting it to hormones, PMS and whatnot. It's an emotional cyclical thing that puts me in doubt almost at a monthly basis. I'll make the stupidest worst case scenario there is, and once the blood starts flowing, suddenly everything is alright again.

Hopefully this is the case again. And i'm insisting on continuing to make small steps forward. Onwards, upwards, it has to hurt, and it will make me feel like withdrawing, but i'll keep trying...

Otherwise, there's no point dreaming big or carrying out the ambition implanted within me. I say implanted, because i've always have big dreams and big thoughts, but never have it motivate me enough to really push it through. Something else always distracts me, or lack of confidence stopped me from continuing...eitherway, i must try to keep going on for now.