Of intense crushes

When I was 17 years old, I had a very very, really, shamelessly, intense crush on a boy. A boy who I will not see after the school is over, and 17 was the last schooling year. So I risk it all to tell him how much I like him, how much I love him, yet I don't understand what love is. It's just this very intense feeling of happiness when he's happy, and extreme sadness when I see him hurt. And in the end, for our prom night, he chose a dance partner that isn't me, and I spent the night dancing with a couple of friends who are single instead. I remember having really bad stomachache the next morning, must be my gut instinct feeling my pain as well.

Looking back, it looks stupid. I look stupid, because girls generally don't confess their feelings to boys. It's been 13 years since, and he's going to get married soon. I wish him all the best and I no longer have that intense feeling whenever I see him, only wishing anything but the best for him. Looking back, it's probably a good thing we are not a couple, because as it turns out, we have different life directions, we're not that compatible in a lot of ways.

Intense crushes tend to happen when I fall too seriously toward a boy or a man who does not reciprocate. It tends to happen when I find someone so compatible to me, or who cares for me unconditionally. I've cried for intense crushes because I fear he doesn't know I exist, that I can care for him, talk to him, make him feel better. I may look like a complete idiot for doing this to myself but I can't help being expressive.

Now, approaching the age of 30, I sort of get what love is. After all, I've gone through a relationship with someone whom I thought was it, that I was to settle down with him, even though at the end, I chose to break it off because I just outgrew that relationship and I didn't think I want to settle down with just one guy at the age of 22. Other people may be happy to have found the One, but I was just getting started and working in the society. I have other adventures to go through.

And what an adventure it has been. In my head, that is. I've gone through more mental issues than a normal person would, went through the worst of the worse and came back alive and screaming. I have a job and I have also started dating again. Dated a few guys and found that two of them are just. so. amazing.

And then I made the mistake of piling my emotions on one of them. Sigh.

Intense crushes are the worst. They bring out the worst in me and I don't know how to handle this until it's too late.

Sigh, I'll have to find a way to apologise to him for coming on so strong. He's fun and I don't want to ruin the moment by doing this to him. Hopefully he'll understand and won't avoid me.

But if he already got spooked off, I can only blame myself and move on. After all, intense crushes like this, they're not permanent.

Sigh, now what?

I keep checking Facebook, like an addict. And I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I yearn to speak to someone, anyone that isn't my family, about my current predicament.

I hate my current self so much right now. So timid, so withdrawn, so out of touch with everyone, unable to keep up as the time kept moving on so quickly. Several times I thought about how useless I am in society.

I used to be a thinking person, able to elaborate and share my analysis about the world, but my illness has prevented me from doing any real sort of thinking and I can't seem to keep up anymore. As more people on Facebook kept sharing amazing stories that they've discovered, I'm left stranded in my own empty mind, unable to comprehend just what everyone was fussing/ranting/gossiping about anymore.

This is more frustrating than finding a job (something that I also struggle to do), this is part of my identity and I'm upset that this comprehension and understanding of the political as well as socio-economical aspects of life are no longer within my grasp. It's sickening and sad, but I can't cry about it either, since medication seems to have taken away my ability to cry as well.

Sigh. I wish there was something I can do to stop feeling like this.

I'm afraid of looking for a new job. Here are some reasons why.

1) I don't want to let go of my previous prospect, which was getting a scholarship to an overseas country, a prospect that I was forced to abandon because shit happened.

2) I don't like being dishonest about my current situation and lying about my condition.

3) I don't know how to arrange for my appointments should i get a job, especially if the appointments are also done in weekdays.

4) I'm still feeling afraid of speaking to people or elaborating about my past glories. I don't know how to sell myself to be employable anymore, which is something I have no trouble with.

5) To make up for the restrictions I faced over the last six months, I'm indulging in my moments of freedom, which means there's less interest in seriously looking for a job.

Also, there's some anxiety issues I'm facing right now that convinces me, that I will be horrible at doing small talk with people, even though that's probably what humans do all the time. Until I can sort this issue away, I really don't know where or how to start job hunting.

Still, wish me luck in overcoming all those obstacles so that something comfortable and suitable can land on my feet.

Six-month gap

There's a six month gap in my thought process.

Six months of missing out on world events, being involved with friends, losing all my thoughts and opinions, realising that my words and thoughts mean nothing, since the public audience don't seem to miss me or any of my contributions.

Of course, there's always friends around to remind me that I mean the world to them and they've been very supportive until the very end. I know that, and everyone around me has been telling me that.

But I can't let go. I can't let go of the fact that I lost something that would have defined me really well in the future, I can't let go of the fact that the drastic event that left me catching up on life has happened. While everyone seemed to slowly recognise the changes that occured, it becomes drastic to me because I have not been informed of such changes.

I'm still feeling a lot of anger and resentment over what has happened, yet nobody can be wholly blamed for what happened. It was a mixture of a bad dream and a nightmare that I still cannot recover from, no matter how many times I reassure myself, as I was closed off from the world in that six months, that I will emerge okay.

It's only been a week since I finally got out, and although I'm glad to resume my life, I also know that it's never going to be the same again.

I really just want to go and get my life back again, resuming my dreams of studying abroad, not being stuck here nursing my health.

Impulse driven

I've never felt more impulsive than I am feeling now.

It's an hour and a half past midnight, and I can't sleep. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I have a giant urge to relieve my hunger pangs by indulging completely, totally, into food i'm not supposed to touch because of a diet i'm currently going through.

I know what this hunger pang means. First of all, it's biological, a body deprived of its usual staple is a body that currently cries out at its cravings. Second of all, i have no issues undergoing this diet, if i'm at control, and the fact that I can feel hunger and I feel like lashing out, it's my sense of anger and frustration because i'm not able to keep my hunger under control.

And with that kind of impulse comes fear and anxiety. Over everything else, not food related. I'm angry at my financial situation because it's not safe and secure enough for me to indulge. I get angry at the idea that I don't know when can I do a proper handover to the new staff, which would free my mind to take up new opportunities (or whatever opportunities I can find here while I'm still around).

I keep hearing the word "stop" everytime another angry impulsive thought came in. I try to rationalise it. Confront it. Negotiate with it. Those feelings will eventually subside. But, as my most basic desire - hunger - have not been satiated, so too the rest of the anger and impulsive behaviour, it feels like I have not found the solution to all these upsetting situation i'm in.

So i turn to writing here again to get them all out. I did not expect to endure something like this when I agreed to go on a diet for another purpose (not to lose weight, mind you). The pangs were manageable on the first week, i don't understand why is my body reactting even violently now for desire to have the foods I used to eat.

But, I supposed the good thing is I discovered this impulsiveness of mine, the emotional irrational being that decides to emerge when things don't feel in control. I don't believe that hunger can be completely subverted by mental power or will, but i supposed directing my body to consume whatever fats there are in my body to get itself filled up will take awhile.

I have not decided if I want to make tomorrow a cheat day. I won't touch the really heavy stuff, but a nibble of two of the lighter stuff shouldn't hurt my diet. It's tempting, and I haven't eaten something good and satisfying for a while....because of this diet thing....

Bah humbug, it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be all jolly and welcoming, not moaning about my hungry fate and the reactions it's making me do.

Trying to go back to sleep now. Some form of hunger is somewhat satiated after writing them out. Is that what it takes? No wonder some authors write with their stomachs empty.

Feliz Navidad

Step by step

Yesterday - I managed to actually drive to the street where it resides.

Today - I managed to drive into the street and waited by the gateway. Thrice.

I didn't go in. I couldn't. Too scared. I wanted to experience coming back to it alone, not when there are people around.

My anxiety is ridiculous. I feel a huge surge of it at the thought of seeing new people, working with new people. It takes a long time for me to warm to people I know/don't know, that if the other side is impatient about it, then we might not cross paths.

The problem is even if I quit this position because I cannot muster the courage to go back to it, it doesn't matter; I generally dread connecting to people, period. All jobs and positions requires some form of connection, one way or another. And I'll only resign to isolation.

That's why I keep holding on. But..gah, so hard to determine and understand how to go about this.

I have an idea how. But i'll talk it out tomorrow. Hopefully, there's a general direction I can work on. *fingers crossed*

Stop

Stop. Seriously. Stop.
I'm tired.
So much bullshit.
So much money to pay and repay. So little time.
Tired of working on things I don't have passion on
Tired of working. Full stop.
But the bills kept accumulating.
Sometimes I have the engine to keep on chugging and sometimes I feel like, fuck it.
Today's one of those days.
I have all the enthusiasm to go and see the world in the morning. By afternoon all that evaporated. I just don't want to see people. I can't be bothered to go there and face them all.
They can't be bothered with me, so I don't want to be bothered with them.
I say that now, but I know I'm in the wrong. It's the pain and anxiousness talking, the uncertainty and what not.
I hate working there, but I cannot tell them that. They asked me if I'm still around. I'm still around but I cannot deal with them anymore.
Dealing with people is hard. I hate that. I want to rid of it, and I'm slowly learning how. One key point is to deal with them.

I'm supposed to do that today. But I can't muster the courage to do so...I feel like I'm wasting the organisation's time and money.

Yep, I'm still experiencing that emotional cycle.

Step by step

I've been taking small steps forward to experience life all over again. It's been tiring, exhausting, exhilarating journey. Step by step, I see myself turning and transforming.

Admittedly, step by step, I still find myself rooted on the ground, unwilling to move; or looking back, wondering why I even take that step forward when not doing anything seemed so much more comfortable.

Tempting, and i'm trying to resist that temptation. Whatever doubts I have now, i'm putting it to hormones, PMS and whatnot. It's an emotional cyclical thing that puts me in doubt almost at a monthly basis. I'll make the stupidest worst case scenario there is, and once the blood starts flowing, suddenly everything is alright again.

Hopefully this is the case again. And i'm insisting on continuing to make small steps forward. Onwards, upwards, it has to hurt, and it will make me feel like withdrawing, but i'll keep trying...

Otherwise, there's no point dreaming big or carrying out the ambition implanted within me. I say implanted, because i've always have big dreams and big thoughts, but never have it motivate me enough to really push it through. Something else always distracts me, or lack of confidence stopped me from continuing...eitherway, i must try to keep going on for now.

Whee

Joy. Euphoria. Excitement. It keeps pouring out and out.

I've not laughed so much till I'm in tears. I've not joked so much that I laughed till my jaws hurt. Until today.

I should have seen it coming when I could feel my inner happiness and just couldn't stop smiling, even if it is with people that I'm not familiar with.

My heart was open with joy, willing to listen, does not question too much when given a glimpse of other worlds, and is gracious enough to let go of that attachment instead of harping on it, feeling proud or whatever. All I feel is gratitude. Kamsahamida.

I like this feeling. But it is my responsibility to maintain it. Just as I feel braver in accepting light, I have to steel myself to go back and look at the past, where darkness was apparent. The last time I had this feeling, I was too cocky, too careless. I held on to these perceptions that these things define me. When actually, I should define me.

I'm still searching for that me. That me that I can held on to with unwavering spirit and steely resolve, that me that can make mistakes, admit it, cry over it, then shrug it off (no point pretending i'm not a crybaby at this point), and move forward.

But right now, I'm happy with what I got, at the same time, I'm trying to remember that this is a memory I can come back to, not an attachment I should cling on to.

Comfort on hard space

I've never felt more content than now, lying down on the floor, feeling the comfort sinking into my very being.

I love sleeping on floors, those with hard surfaces, not carpeted ones. The feeling when smooth marble or peeled wood meets the skin, feeling like the ground is  in tune to you, feeling your energy syncing itself with the ground.

I haven't enjoyed that sensation in a while; I always bring in worries, anxiety, pressure, whenever I feel like lying down on the floor. It has been that way over the last few weeks. It started with the nervous breakdown and then perpetuated by my eagerness to stand up and be healed.

I only manage to figure out that I can't always be the perfect clean slate to show the world. I have to show the world anyway even if I'm not feeling my best, feeling angry and negative over a lot of proposals.

My problem was I believe my emotions are so strong, if it is negative, it'll be absorbed by others, or it'll render me destructive and disruptive. I always try to contain it by suppressing, I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt. But I have to go out and face the world even in pain, because pain is an experience that will go away if I let it go, not hold on to it.

I've been given a chance to recover from a cloud of anxiety that I shrouded myself in with no way of getting out. I have recovered and responding quite well. But if this is any repetition, any challenge I face will push me back to that anxiety again unless I know how to release, get angry, get annoyed.

Now, I just have to build on faith that I'll recover, and I'll be fine, and when I'm fine, I can develop...spiritually or no, that's not the main focus. Focus is still on the self, that my very being has to enjoy the flows of life, listen and anticipate what's to come.

Om mani padme hum

Tears and progress, part 2

The more I write, the more I cry.

"You want some form of bonding"

I cried to sleep at 3am. Wanting to shout for someone to just hug me to sleep. But I didn't, I withhold my screams but my tears kept flowing. I just grabbed my pillow and squeeze it very hard as I fell into an uneasy deep sleep.

All it took was an imagination gone wild. Of a scene in a hospital whereby what happens if I do let my screams run wild, echoing the whole house, unstoppable, uncontrollable, like a mad person, and no one could do anything but drive me to the hospital, and there, I refused to get treatment, lest it incurs more into my expenses because I was so convinced, so convinced that my family will make me pay for it instead of taking the expenses on.

All that took was a sense of helplessness and loneliness for me to think of how impossible it is for me to live freely, that I bawled. I'm convinced that I am that crazy.

I couldn't cry and ask for a living person to come to my side, so I cried for my grandmother. I miss her badly, I miss having a companion whose love always looks tough but she also craves attention. I miss my grandmother because only she feels happy if we say nice things about how we will take care of her, of the way she has in very subtle ways, influenced how we wake up and sleep, and eat.

I wake up crying more and more. Trying to find the words to describe my feelings, feelings I have buried deep inside but just keep bubbling up to the surface, while still trying to find words to face the world later on.

I realised now that a lot of people babble because they need to let go. Babbling isn't some form of character trait, but something they needed to throw it out there to prevent them from absorbing the negativity later on, so that they can move on with life, so that after the release, they can keep going on and on.

I look at the world in silence but all I feel is suffocation. So my release are all coming out, in tears, in withheld screams, which resulted in more tears. I try to breathe better after every cry and it is a relief.

I have not felt this sensitive and this emotional for a long while. Rebalancing this will take awhile.

But, I supposed, it has to happen. Either I continue to feel suffocated for the rest of my life while resenting the world, or make changes to ensure I continue to live in a way that I'm happy.

The more I write, the more I will cry. It can't be helped, but it will lead to something better.

Tears and progress

I'm so tired
I'm tired of having to think of how else can I boost my account balance
I'm so tired of having to think of maintenance
I'm tired of feeling the inability to chase my dreams.

"You just have to know when to let go"
I want to, but I'm scared...i feel like no one can support me like this.

I just burst into tears for no reason again...I'm not the most unfortunate person on earth...people like that usually do not have a voice online (or maybe now they do, what with the advent of internet these days. Just read an article of how a refugee went through several countries with the help of facebook. Fucking unbelievable).

I'm a lethal combination of being a shitty money saver and yearning to be a big spender. I spend, I really spend, I love spending, and I usually only spend within my means, but it depresses me when I have to count every dollar, taking into account every penny, wanting to spend just that bit more but also want to keep saving more, unwilling to face with an empty bank account with so many debts.

I have too many commitments and I have to cut down

I've been reading my past posts and I realised I have so much negativity, expressing so much fear of the unknown, but each time I remember bouncing back with a vengeance and it felt like I could conquer the world again.

So why is it so hard this time? Maybe I have too much inside...maybe I just need to keep releasing them whether it's through tears or incoherent writing.

Okay, lets switch it up. What has happened during the four years when I've not written anything here?

1) i've became an actual reporter. One that people said looked promising...if only there wasn't so many things happening to me

2) i've learnt German A2 and i'm quite proud of it. Ich habe die Deutschsprache selbst gelernt, dann habe ich ins Goethe-Institut gelernt. Currently waiting for results from a scholarship. Whatever the case, I have to feel positive.

3) i've become close friends with some reporters, they've been some of the best mates of my life. They've tolerated my insecurities, my incessant rants...they even put me back on my feet when I was late to a Ielts test, thus missing one round and unable to pay myself for a second one. I feel grateful and also unable to return them anything.

4) I started a really daring project with my friend, it was a website about SEA youths and their stories, when we did it, it was quite spectacular, but unfortunately lack of funding and our tendency to have to cover our asses first meant the project flopped, and with it, the website was gone too.

5) I wrote some of the best stories about teenagers and their passion for debate, unfortunately, that website too flopped, the one that contains my byline. But I'm not mad, I understand why.

6) My love for music remains, but currently edging towards more indie/psychedelic rock, with some occasional pulls to mainstream pop from other countries, like Kpop.

7) I fell head over heels in love with a guy that was exceedingly better than the ex in every way. In ambition, in status, in passion. But it was sadly one-sided. I went crazy for him, he didn't respond because we were so different, different nationalities, different mindset, and he had just broken up with a girl then. But for that two weeks, it was bliss knowing him. After the depression, i unfriended him.

8) I find myself missing dead people a lot. My dad, my grandma...i keep trying to recreate the food that she makes. As for my dad, I don't need to do much. I'm a constant reminder to my mom of what he was. Only I'm slightly better and I had sought help in dealing with my emotions and pain. I lost my cousin this year too to an accident. But I have a cousin niece and nephew, them adorable cherubs will make anyone smile.

9) I'm not bitter at the ex, at the old life anymore these days...there was a lot of confusion in my initial posts about how I got confuzzled on how i'm going to juggle friendships with him. Time gave a better answer, and in the midst of all that workload, i've lost touch with most of them, some of them unfriended me, i've unfriended them...which is fine, really...because the measure of friendship isn't based on how many are there on Facebook. I've just gotten very blasé about it all...and to think I used to care so much about what he thinks or says...now? Nah...

10) It's difficult to find the peace and quiet within me. I achieved that once...but when faced with new challenges, it's the same tiring story again of fucking up, crying at the corner, not knowing what to do...rinse and repeat...meditation helps but seeking spirituality instead of letting spirituality develop are two very different things. Like I said in my last post, unconditional love, unconditional giving, are theories I can learn and memorise but difficult to execute and push out.

Whew. Positivity is a great thing. I feel a lot of happiness just being able to list out the things i've done over the last four years, even though not all of it are happy, but at least it shows that i've grown throughout the years. I've learnt life lessons...i feel strangely calmer than when I started the post.

Stay tuned, there's more to come. I have so much to pour out.

Everything mess

I want to be everything I've ever worked myself to be.

I want to be a journalist, but the news industry is a fucking disaster, with fucking corporations shortchanging humans as they please, human emotions don't matter, we don't matter, fuck all that. But I'm tired, I can't chase stories hoping for the human heart to open up. My heart, sealed, in so much pain because all the negativity is just swirling around me only. I feel like exploding. I feel like I don't belong. I don't want to belong. Where the fuck can I belong?

I'm a useless eldest. I don't have a stable income. I don't have a proper job. My mom's constant talking about retirement scares me. Worst still, I'm not being understood enough by the family. We get by just by interacting but they don't know me. I tried to tell them and all they do is laugh and look at me weirdly. We are so similar and yet we're not. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself for being unable to organise and operate like a human being.

I want to write but I can't write anything because I'm scared of experiencing euphoria, grief, excitement, I just want peace and stability in mind but to achieve that I have to go through a catacombs' worth of emotions and I cannot contain them.

Fuck you! Why am I made like this? Why can't I just be somebody who seem to be able to manage it all? Why must I be made into this emotional mess of a human being without a proper channel to get out of? Fuck you for making me this way! Fuck you for making me this narcissistic jerk that has no other avenue other than a blog. Fuck you because I want to learn how to love but all I know is to hate.

I really hate myself for having depression, for not having enough money to go see my psychologist, for having a health insurance that covers everything BUT my mental brain, for relying on a part-time job because I don't dare to come back to the working world. I want to scream! Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs at everything that's running wrong with this country, for all the bullshit uttered, repeated, rinsed and then repeat some more. 

I hate the current world that drenches itself with overwhelming nostalgia about a time that has long since passed, that our cultural cultivation goes so much as to repeat yet another cycle. No breaks. Fuck, innovation is so difficult to find, spot, and support. But I fucking hate it, and I fucking hate it even more now that our country is going to be part of that system that supports that kind of cultural hegemony because they needed our economy.

I hate that all the activism in the world will not solve our problems if we don't fix the system and that the system won't be fixed until blood was shed. I hate that we have all our personal worries to settle before we can tackle the big stuff. I hate reacting with indifference or anger. I hate seeing people trying things in vain but with no results and with no difference or impact made.

I'm just so tired, I'm so judgmental about everything and everyone and I can't seem to stop hating.

It's easier to hate because it's much harder to love. I don't want to love anything that doesn't love me back. I'm not really of a sound mind and I have so much inside that I have to keep releasing. It's easier to see how other people love each other (that's why I'm really into family reality series, not the fake-ass kind that America produces. Fuck no). That's why it's easier to empathise with others, when I hear their stories, but then there's always that one person who does it even better at giving.

Unconditional giving, unconditional love and unconditional receipt of those love....I underestimated it when I first learnt it. Now I feel the full effects of it, it's so painfully relieving. Painful because it forces me to let go, but relieving because letting go is really relieving.

This will not be the end of it. There is more. More postings to come. But I have to. The release is relieving. Om mani padme hum.

Why not a Journal?

Why not go back to using a journal? Because I'm strangely bad at keeping paper journals. I don't take care of books that well. I let them go to dust, their pages can yellow for all I care, I don't mind bringing them around the dinner table and I'd just wipe off any food stain there is to continue reading, and I love writing, but not enough to keep it in a book, seeing as I couldn't care a lot for it, despite being quite an avid reader myself.

In fact, this blog contains the biggest collection of writing I've had, even if the frequency of coming here dropped quite a bit over the past few years, because of that perceived notion that I shouldn't be a ranty teenager. Anyways, like I said, I've come back at the right time when attention for Blogger is quite low, and so many writing platforms are out there, be it on Wattpad, Tumblr, Medium, I think I can lay low and not care.

Part of it is perhaps narcissistic, maybe I still want someone to read this and sought me out. Or maybe it just flows better when I write online, with a preferred font, a preferred background, with my identity somewhat less known now.

I have to. My mind's a mess. I'm thinking of doing so many things but without clarity, it's hindering how I work. It doesn't matter now what I work or where I work. When the core issues are there, I can't work, period. Perhaps I need as much verbal diarrhea as possible, just an outpouring of grief, hate, anger (not to the point of bigotry or extremism, mind. I'm not that uncouth, gosh), but a place where I can be honest to me, why I have been avoiding people, why I have been avoiding feelings, why I can't be bothered to explore. Then I can go back to being normal, being able to meditate, being able to perceive things, being able to express anger, annoyance, without being afraid of people's judgment.

I can't think of anything anymore to say. If I was angry at something or someone, it's not bubbling to the surface. But I do feel a lot of anxiety and pain. Perhaps anger, perhaps dissatisfaction, perhaps helplessness.

There will be another post. Don't worry. Right now, I'm feeling a lot of release just being able to write, express, having an avenue. I do have friends to talk to, I do have to find ways to open up my pain, but for now, it starts here, and then slowly I can bring it up to everywhere else.

Unblock the blockage

I'm back. I'm here. I decided to continue writing here again when nothing goes right for me at this age. I was reminded that I spent a lot of time on this and I have forgotten what I used to do.

Indeed, I have forgotten. This was a place that I wanted to bury forever, with no intention of reviving. A place where I can occasionally come back to remisnice the old days and remember how immature (or advanced yet naive) I was back in the days, to find courage in those writings at times when I feel like everything will break.

I thought I was done being a ranty teenager, somebody who just keeps complaining about nothing and exaggerating about everything.

How wrong I was.

It wasn't until today that someone told me, I should write again, because all those things I suspected about myself, that I thought will go away if I started acting more "adult", those suspicions is actually true

I complained a lot about my mom not being able to fully understand me here, and several years later, in year 2015, she confirmed that indeed, she doesn't try to understand despite being given the opportunity to. I opened my heart for her only for her to insist on doing things her way. There was no compromise...compromise isn't her vocabulary.

But perhaps being an "adult" meant that instead of feeling angry about those insistence, it's actually emphathising with her situation which makes me a better person than her being bitter and holding on.

Blogging (or reduction of blogging) isn't that symbol of growing up...it's just shutting myself off.

I used to have social media to do all the expressing but even I grow to hate that space. So much despise, so much yearning for self-improvement and yet so much sharing of emotions that doesn't feel real.

I miss writing, just for the sake of pouring it out, no philosophising, no judgment, no need to put on a mask and tell everybody everything is just fine. I used to think I can contain them, emotions, but god, they overwhelm. They overwhelm so much, and when a human container overflows with emotions, it just explodes or ceased to function like usual.

I've been blocked from emoting and unable to express my desires because I deemed blogging and writing about feelings childish and I'm afraid of beibg judged. But in the age where no one really reads Blogger anyway, who the fuck will care now?

So four years and one (several?) depressive attacks later, I declare this blog open again. I cannot promise that everything said here from now on will be written with logic. Most of it will be emotion. There's going to be tears and unnecessary hatred.

But I need this. It's called My Wild Thoughts for a reason. It's supposed to run wild on an ignored corner of the interwebs, and it's better than keeping it inside me, only for me to explode. I need this to stay alive.

I've decided to stay alive so I'll do what it takes to make sure that is maintained, even if I have to open up an old blog to document my feelings, get my anger out, yell, scream, write poetry, make stupid comments about stupid things, rant, banter, analyse...

I'm not linking it to other social media platforms anyway. If you found my blog active again...congrats, you're my reader again.

Busy

Why do I make myself this busy? Am I afraid of searching for the abstract anymore?

It's funny that I ask this, because part of me being busy is about searching for these abstract unknowns. Like chasing philosophy, democracy and youth entitlement.

Whatever happened to chasing for my personal enjoyment? Love, lust, hatred, arts? They seemed so miniscule compared to the plans I'm chasing on right now.

I've been given an opportunity to be even busier than now. Still thinking whether should I accept it. After all, I thought it was my friend's idea, which turns out to be something her boss' idea. Is that even called a "recognition" of my talents? Moreover, will that even be breaching the contract? I think I need to talk it over.

Maybe I should ask those who had a full time job and still become councilors/local politicians. It must be tough on them, add on the marriage in their hands and wow, I can't imagine the burden.

I can't help but say I may have to say goodbye to pursuing personal happiness. Everything I'm doing is now group based. The only thing that's enriching and individualistic is my mind. I've never felt so alive, engaging in debates, getting to know people, listening to their views, counter them, listen again. One day, may I get to listen to the views who are really at the other end of the spectrum.

I saw the transformation of my Facebook page. A lot more political, a lot less personal. Thankfully I didn't portray any side swaying. Still not comfortable to portray myself as a leftist or a rightist. Thankfully I still maintain a centrist, but slowly moving to become a centre-left. I'm not even bothered to know what he's doing anymore. I figured, he probably won't care. And he probably wouldn't.

This slowdown made me think a lot on what I really want to do. What should I sacrifice if any, and can I continue pursuing a direction like this? I think I can, now that I'm a little more liberated and a little less cooped up. I never thought I could multitask but maybe that's because I had the lack of exercise, which caused my brain to shut down rapidly if I try to do more than one thing. Strangely that shut down hasn't occured ever since I started Yoga. But that's only my second month in practising. I'll need to wait somemore to see real change of results.

I guess I'm distressed because I want a boyfriend so badly so that once that pillar is settled, I can move on with my projects knowing he'll support me, especially when family support looks rather flimsy at the moment. But I can't force it. I have to accept the fact that I may marry late or not find a boyfriend ever.

Get past that wall, girl. I know you want to get married early, but this won't happen with you moping around. Might as well make your life more fulfilling instead of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming.

Yea, and I'm still busy.

Fate

It's time for another verbal diarrhea, one that I have to spit out before I could feel normal again?

I've not been tempting fate as of late, but merely letting it flow through my veins, and surprisingly, yielding more positive than negative results than I could ever imagine.

I asked for a job; I got one. I asked for a place to stay; and it bestowed me a place not only strategic, but filled with some of my favourite people to hang out with (still under planning though. Watch this space). I met up with friends, chatted with them, they were so awesome. I've signed up for exercise classes and Yoga because I can't stand my mother's nagging (joking) about my weight and the fact that I got the motivation just from knowing that the ex slimmed down quite a bit.

But what surprised me is that every time I talked to somebody about the positive things that happened to me, or the coincidental things that just happened at the right their reply is always this

"This is fate, isn't it?"

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of leaving all this positive things to happen because I've always think I got it, I've got the opportunity, and then things fucked up and I end up losing hope. Now, I have all this good things happening to me at once, will I be too complacent and just keep hoping for good things to come and stop anticipating for the negative and bad occurences?

Another thing was, am I tempting fate to be angry at something really mediocre and stupid? Something as dumb as being a little slighted when he puts his privacy even stricter that I can't read his daily entries anymore even though he no longer wants to be my Facebook friend? Sigh.

I really have no idea what is it I want with this man. I'm positive that I no longer harbour any sort of feelings for him, yet, I'm curious to know how he's doing, whether is everything alright, and who'll get the second partner first (lol). It's this kind of anal competition that I secretly have with myself, because if I say that out loud, people will definitely say that I miss him and that I can't let go of him.

Lets face this seriously. I've been trying to avoid talking about it for months now and I think I'm ready to admit it even though it's a little late now. Maybe, during all this subconscious and persistent chase to know about his current situation is a sign of me missing the man. Fact: We have been together for almost three years, having our lifestyles (at least my lifestyle) adjusted towards each other. It's a little hard to adjust it back to the way it was. I was given exposure of different tastes and different lifestyles; I can't turn back to who I was when I was 18. I spent almost the entire university life just having him around. It's not that easy to just flip the switch and say "hey! back to my single life of 18" because I'm no longer 18.

I've been avoiding and running away from people contacts and I know it very well. Even though I'm still meeting new people everyday, they are not allowed into my inner self. They are not exactly asked to be part of my supposedly fun activities. For example, lately, any movie I want to watch, I watch alone, occasionally with a friend, but mostly alone. Why do I do that? Because I picked up the habit of watching movies with the ex and now I can't stop myself. I'll watch whatever's good on the cinemas and just feel content watching it on my own. It's so addictive I just do it naturally.

Until a friend I met while walking around alone waiting for the next showing asked me why I'd do such a thing.

I was stunned and I've forgotten. But somehow I knew and what the friend said struck me. I was trying to avoid him. Avoid remembering what was it like having a companion next to you just sharing the same enthusiasm you have for movies. Heck, he was just oozing of enthusiasm whenever the movies are around unlike me. I caught the movie bug soon after. Now? I just cannot imagine my life without them. And to combat that, I use loneliness to stop myself from remembering what was it like to be held in the cold of the cinema room and able to discuss storylines in whispers. My first kiss was also stolen from me in the cinema by him.

Now that it's been eight months since the break up and it took me this long to admit that nobody is going to be forgotten. I have to learn to accept the fact that he'll always be on my mind, and that I have to be honest with my future partner that there is no way a three year relationship can vanish in front of his eyes as he sees fit, not like how I try to call myself the first girlfriend even though technically the ex had two really weirded out relationships before. All I pray for is a better, more compatible person standing right beside me and telling me what the previous relationship did was help me grow and not make me bitter or resentful about anything at all.

Indeed, if it wasn't for the ex, will I ever step out to make drastic changes to my life as I see it now? And that somehow, my vision grew to become more positive but maintain its realist views on the world and societies? I'm at the in-betweens now on dating. Maybe I'm ready for it and maybe I won't. It's too hard to tell until I actually met someone to go out with. And just now, just that moment as I sat with my friends, ogling at the sweaty boys come and go from the squash court, I felt like I need to grab one of them just to have a small chat and see the sparks fly.

But again, that, I gotta leave to fate. All my boy toying imaginations, from an Eurasian that comes from Hong Kong, to imagining myself dating a pop star secretly, to hoping for a French-Japanese mix who still have his mother's blue eyes will come over and swept my feet away. Let me just melt in my own imagination la.

But there's always a special space for old dog and his new tricks. Maybe both of us will change for the better. Maybe when we can look at each other in the eye and talk and reconnect the dots. I won't have high hopes for that though. There's nothing to suggest that I will walk that path again.

Again, I'm leaving everything to fate. Since everything that's coming together, it's all fate, isn't it?

Draggy June

June turn out to be a long long long LONG affair.

While I got May to keep my head in the clouds by all the travelling, June turned out to be a pleasant exchange actually. For one, I've been kept busy by my friends who keep wanting to meet me again and again, that while I reflect on this I'm like "whoa, slow down there. I don't know I'm THAT in demand!"

First off, I went for an awesome waterfall at Kanching. Beautiful, cold (whoo, I just felt the slight jolt of cold senses as I remember what it felt stepping into the water), serene, green, and best of all friendly, as there were many who passed by the waterfalls greeted us with smiles. It was heartwarming, especially during a time when I was at my most confused and sad moments.

After that, I finally steel my resolve to apply for a job. It didn't take long, about half an hour after I applied for it they begin calling my phone asking me if I could go for an interview. I'm amazed at their speed and efficiency, even more so after I attended their interview. That was the most casual (in terms of interviewing process + clothing) interview I've ever had in my life. The marketing head interviewed me in T-shirt, jeans and slippers. I have trouble keeping a serious face but I guess I passed. Because I'm not only considered, I'm literally hired to become their staff. Ha! Oh, and the HR lady was very very friendly as well. Compared to my experience dealing with another HR I felt like I was thrusted into another world. Then again, I can't let my guard down and take everything for granted. Better work my way up.

As if this can't become any sweeter, well, lets just say I've received some reciprocation at my part. We both discussed and we both agree that whatever happened in that unfortunate event, it's time to put that behind us and move on. It's not like I want to avoid it. I don't. My conscience is very clear (and still is!), but I can't help it if others see it in a wrong way. Alright to be fair, it is wrong, but I never put myself in a dirtier position than it already is. Right, move on.

This must be the month where I saw many friends come and go and come and go. I've decided that tomorrow, last day of June, I'm not going to see anybody and just concentrate on being me instead. From exhilaration and excitement to work I felt like just starting the job already because that's how much June drags for me. It's just strange. I feel like the month is dragging about and yet I'm so busy I can't stop moving.

I've also embrace (kind of) a new faith, without compromising my current one. Would you believe it if I say this new faith actually have relevancy to today's society so I don't feel like I'm reading some outdated texts? But I'm threading it with care, because I don't feel like fully embracing this new faith without coming up with my own theology or principles on dealing with it. I'm not fond of making everything it taught a compulsory follow, that's just as restrictive as any religious school. Although this new faith proclaims that anything I do, it's between me and God. I know and I don't call myself a saint in front of God. I'm merely but human who wills herself to taste certain forbidden fruit (not extreme like some other crazy bastards) that will bring no one else shame but herself. So everything's cool between me and God at the moment.

Also, my other prayer's been answered. The prospect of moving out seemed closer and closer to me already. It feels awesome and weird at the same time. Awesome because I can't believe I could achieve my target this year. Weird because I have yet to discuss this thoroughly with my mother. I'm doing all this searching behind her back and I wonder how best to talk it out to her. Although seeing that most of my elder cousins have moved out of their houses without moving out of state, and I do have some friends behind anxiously hoping to move to a better environment and we can share one unit together, and it so happens my friend DID find me somewhere else to stay that is of better environment, I think things are coming into place and it'll be terrific when it happens. Maybe this is what I need. Some peace and quiet away from the family. Plus it doesn't hurt to tell her the place I'm looking at has a swimming pool and gym...

June may be a lil draggy but it's very lovely when all this positive things come into place. It feels like Summer is working out for me after all, and I can look forward for better days to come instead of constantly hoping for a hopeless future here. Maybe I don't like my family at the moment and rather have fully equipped privacy in my quarters instead. Maybe I just have had enough. I hope I'm wrong though. I don't want to hate my family or anything, but lets just say it isn't too warm-hearted in a way.

See you guys in July. Thank you June for being such a lovely month.

Dry Prune

I'm bored outta my wits and it's not fucking funny at all.

Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to doing that project. But I got so much free time, might as well do something right?

Oh well, who knows, maybe community gatherings will grow into me and I'll like it a lot. As long as things remain friendly and unpushy...

Happy Father's Day to everyone else anyways! If I got a dad now I probably will be out looking for dinner restaurants with him! Oh well! This is life!

Bye!

The Vodka Regrets

So I screwed up.

So I want to explain what I was doing. But I can't be hear out. It's equally fatal apparently whether or not you have the malicious intent to ruin kinships.

People forget that you can't present the same truth equally to different people. You can, but let them judge you differently, or you don't, and let them see you differently. Some people don't need the whole truth because they're not related to it, yet you want to tell because you feel the need to rant, but some people deserve to hear the whole truth.

I made the mistake of even voicing out in the very first place, thus ruining whatever existential relationship I have had with the ex. From now on, it's a total clean cut from him and the close friends he had made. I haven't had the time to sift through the pros and cons of this, but it seems that if possible, my life has nothing to do with him and so is his life for mine. No more ex gossips, no more in between circle gossips, no more "so have you heard from our mutual friend the whale and the beaver?".

I'm still wondering what my other friend who was also in the mutual circle will do if she knew I took the stupid step. Will she side with them for justice, even though she wasn't familiar with what's going on nor is she that friendly with them but she'll do it anyway? Or will she keep it neutral, and know it is an eye for an eye, and certainly the friendship we made doesn't equal the punishment that I should have since it is none of her business? I ponder and wonder.

I will not provide a thousand apologies when I'm not even allowed to provide my explanation. My motto has always been, if I have to be wronged, go ahead and wrong me as much as you want. Cut me out of your life if you will. I may be in a state of sadness and desperation for losing a friend now but it didn't mean I will be stuck in this limbo forever. Will I be accused as a fraud or a bitch in the future? Sure, probably. But the same stands for them because they misunderstood my actions and does not give me the proper chance to make my stand or understand me.

So many others, have made even dire mistakes than I ever do and I can still find the heart to forgive them even though it took a really long time sometimes, but I hear them out before I even made that decision. It takes two to tango in this case. If they couldn't find any capacity in their heart then I have nothing to say. I did nothing so wrong that it'll scar my life forever. It's a regret for sure. But I've mentioned a few hundred times before that I wasn't sure if I'm supposed to be angry at the incident and I wanted advice and I wanted to know what was going on. Yet I was prosecuted for being an accuser because I could not present the whole truth unless it's spoken in private.

What can I do anyways? Just get sad for a few weeks and then move on after that. I'm desperate to leave this shithole anyway, what's with a few more cuts to make it an even better decision to get out of here? As for my friend who's closer to me while maintaining as the mutual friend to the rest? Well, it's up to her to decide. Frankly I think it's stupid to take such extreme measures and make her take sides when it really comes to the ultimate showdown. But if she has to do that, then I relinquish this idiotically "precious" position of "friend" if it lessens her headache.

I can't help but wonder if this is a form of revenge that seems to run on karmic proportions. On one hand, I had this bitch straining my previous relationship (no, she was not the deciding factor for me to leave it). On the other, I made a careless, reckless mistake onto someone else, only to be judged, prosecuted, persecuted, sent to expulsion before I had the chance to explain myself, saying that this is a good excuse to finally finally gotten the clean cut.

I'll be lying right now if I say I don't care what my image will be like. Of course I do, and plenty of hands will be there to twist it and make it worst if it ever can. Besides that, I regretted pouring my heart out again, that's why this time it hurts particularly bad. Otherwise, it should have been daisies even if it's not a bed of roses. I should have kept some things in the secret closet and I acted foolishly by blurting it out. Maybe some thing should not have been shared. But I can't do anything now, it's been like this, there's no time machine to reverse that decision.

But the biggest regret, is that I have to wonder why I get the same punishment like anyone else who made bigger mistakes than I have. And I have to sit back and reflect like a kid who have to stay on top of the table for getting caught once while the serial offenders who are experts just stayed quiet while they absorbed all the embarassment I let out.

Whatever happens, the month of May is gone. Perhaps the month of May is the month where I make dire mistakes and loose a few more preciousness in life. Otherwise I'll never steel up and get going. Never. I've also made the mistake thinking that I could've stayed friends with mutual friends of my ex no matter how close they are with the ex as long as they hear me out, but it came to a point where they will not and insist I was wrong. I also appreciate the fact that they have defended me in various situations but I think now they can openly label and call me a bitch, slut, whatever context in front of him for my wrongdoing even if my intentions were never sexual. Sigh.

What will the month of June be like? I don't know. I hate making predictions now that my life has been thrown into disarray yet again. Will it be the month that I can be forgiven? Will it be the month of discovering a new career path? Will it be the month where I move out? So many questions but nothing I can do to ease the pain of the continuous questions in my head.

Lastly, this will be a very long shot because this blog is nearly hidden in piles now and I doubt it'll be read by them, ever. But I'm very sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did because I'm standing my ground to say: That was NEVER meant to destroy your relationship or cast doubts in our friendship and I was under the influence of alcohol. But I'm sorry for all the hurt that you must have gone through, or listening to all the "accusations" I've been telling people apparently (even though I specify that I'm NOT SURE myself), and possibly almost ruining other people's friendship with yours. I'm just glad to get out of there, thus stopping anymore related discussion from continuing, because I don't linger on and on like some other bitch we both know. Was it shame? Yes, possibly, shame's a very sneaky feeling that you can only reveal to a certain number of people while worrying that everything will be heard by the wrong people after that.

To myself, this will probably be a really good lesson never to allow me near anything with the name vodka. No more. I did the stupidest things under the influence of that wretched thing, twice. I'm sticking to gulping beers until I find another alcohol expert, politely reminding them to keep me away from vodka before I vomit, had bleedy throats, and blood-drained faces on them. I still get nightmares remembering my own face.

With this confession of regret, I can now poke fun at myself and slowly close up the wounds. It takes time to heal of course. Hopefully the next post, will be of something fun.