Its cases like these that I wonder if the media have done anything good or have been going down the dogs lately. He Lived and Died under the spotlight of the media.
I'm a student I'm a daughter I'm a granddaughter I'm a girlfriend I'm a sister I'm a leader I'm a journalist I'm a political observer I.....can't achieve what I really want to do.... Sigh. I read the guest column by Rin who is currently volunteering for The Nut Graph and honestly I felt that she was truly progressing towards achieving what she really need. I felt good for her... I couldn't feel good for myself. Every year as I came into university I'm constantly bogged by the conflict of roles, majority of them coming from family problems. Fulfil my duty as the eldest daughter, the eldest sister, the granddaughter, the girlfriend... Then what will happen to my duty as the student, the leader, the political observer, the journalist? Can I even achieve those without feeling already bogged down by the conflicting roles involving my bond with the family and love? These ties that are filled with so much emotion? It's easy to take the other roles away because I couldn't be emotionally committed to them. What more with the current baggage that I'm currently carrying. I'd be a living miracle, or a living genius, if I can maintain both committed to my family and what I really want to do? I'd have wanted to achieve so much, constantly dreaming for a way so that I seize the quickest opportunity to stay focused on what I can and want to do. But unfortunately, until the baggage is lifted from me and I'm relieved of my position do I truly feel that I could be responsible in chasing my dream. I feel like I'm chasing it half-heartedly. There's no commitment to what this is. Sure, my mom said it easy about studying. Sure, my friend said it easy about going out to play. Without a care in this world? Yea why not, your parents shouldn't be worrying about you now that you're 21 and growing. How many of you would want to try and live in these shoes? Stay with the grandparents your whole life, and this year you could barely even communicate with your grandmother because she's showing symptoms of dementia and living in denial, unwilling to embrace the fact and bear with her and mom's naggings everytime it concerned about your well-being and wondered why I couldn't score in exams? (I'd like to see you say yes to this. Really) How many of you would want to leave class and go straight home despite friendly invites by your coursemates to stay and have lunch with them which could possibly for the pleasure of your well-being because these are supposedly the rights enjoyed? Just because your single mother is currently working elsewhere and your grandmother fell ill and have fever? How many of you would want to constantly live with the agony of knowing your dreams will never be achieved because of family commitments and you know your mother is drumming into your head with the words "money money money can't support"? I'm envious with everyone without the extra family burden. Living with 3 generations definitely do not make me a better achiever. Ideally, I could live like Rin. I'd really want her life, fighting for a cause, willing to do what it takes to practise journalism from the best. But In reality, I'm CiNDi. As if the companies will actually let this flaw be put into consideration. I cannot spread my wings until I'm done with my job, which I was BORN to take, not WILLING to take. I can't blame anyone for this job. I've given up on asking "why?" to God and also to Mom. My friend once said, I have the courage because I've did what so many people couldn't do in my personal life. Will that courage even be reflected into my job? (Actually it has, I don't know. I just feel stupider now by trying to make myself feel better with this meagre of an achievement.) .........I really wonder, when can I ever stood up and say, I really want to do something, without feeling doubtful or worried about other factors...... Please, if I may, I wish to no more feel the conflict of roles......
But it's most probably due to the fact that I'm graduating soon, that I really want it to end faster.
I've been reading a couple of my friends' blogs recently, and they all desire, not to continue their work in Malaysia. If they can, and God willing, they'd wish to travel outside and try their very best to stay out, enjoy and taste the freedom of being the global citizen.
Some, wished to live the American dream. Visit nightlife, Times Square, all that American culture.
Some, wished to just keep trekking, whether is it jungles, deserts, cities, slums, as long as they can stand on that ground; does it matter if the ground is classy or dirty? They just loved to walk.
I know that nowadays when I really wanted something, I can. All I needed was to take that one step and say "Yes, I'll do it! And it's not for anyone's sake, it's MY sake."
I complained once about wanting to Escape from not just the family, but from everything, including my love. I did it, one year later, after my internship, with a friend. It's not alone, but nevertheless it was a journey unintended for any sort of sightseeing. Just escape la. I did it, and I really felt good, rejuvenated.
Today, I promised myself that I'd trek the forest, and I did. I did a 45-minute stint at the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve, which was, in my opinion, one of the okay forests for its place nearby a LRT station. I still miss FRIM the most, their canopy walks are really breath-taking. You really take in breaths, but it really made you appreciate nature for what it is. I know the forests aren't that small, but my boyfriend insisted that he came along as well and if he didn't, I would've spent more than 45 minutes inside that forest reserve.
But this is me, I'm always having people who cared, and love me, which caused them to worry a lot about me.
But I do wonder, what if my dreams do come true? That the sacrifice I need to make was to actually leave everyone? Mom, family, Ephyon, Friends, people who'd really appreciate my existence in their life?
And yet, my mind lingers, to visiting the old towns of England, to be able to capture the snow in Switzerland, witness beauty of Icelandic waterfalls, cherish that moment of having only myself in France, Italy, England. Living the Berlin dream......
But yet it was a dream filled with obstacles. It's never easy to achieve it. One look at the requirements they needed in international media organisations just for their industrial training alone and I could just faint. Theirs were really demanding, and I kept wondering to myself: What sort of lessons do media students in American colleges and universities go through just to enter this media organisation?
And then I thought: With my qualifications, I'll never be able to enter, and live the dream, the dream of throwing my bag onto my shoulder and just keep on truckin'
If I could live that dream, I guess a few years of being just by myself, that painful separation, no matter what, I guess it will be worth it. It's not that I don't love them, but I'd really really love to go somewhere worthwhile, staying there for a couple of years.
After all, it wouldn't hurt to dream a little bit before letting reality sunk in, right?
Mom seemed to not be wavered when I told her about Jaya Supermarket's collapse yesterday. Actually I was the one more worried because Ephyon was near the scene of the disastrous fall. Then the pouring of one of the many blogs who mourned the collapse of "the earliest landmarks in Petaling Jaya". I did not have much memories of that place, other than being able to stop by it once in awhile after walking from PC block to the bus stop back when the option of a car is not available. When me and Ephyon had no cars and could only walk around holding hands while going to the grubby Popular bookstore. Not a lot of memories for that place. I seemed to have more fondness for new buildings than old unless the old buildings come together to form a small little town. But if it must have been a major spot for the many residents of Petaling Jaya here. Oh well...gone it will someday. Pray that the casualties came out alive and not in another body bag.
My mind's a blur nowadays. It's filled with all the latest information that I tried very hard to find, keep, to be used for reference in the future. Or will it be used? I refrain from commenting on my life so much that I felt the essence of even mentioning it started to flow away from my hands even as I pen it down here. And then I would start asking, "What's the point of mentioning it?" I wished to share the many philosophies I came across during the internship, that of which I have learnt to accept despite having hate for it. But I refrain from commenting on it because it involves my life. I wished to share my many opportunities just looking at the events that I've attended. I really do wish to share it here but I do not know how to begin and how to end. I'm astounded yet disappointed with the current media system. I chose to accept, love and hate it. I'm fascinated by it, attempting to research it, only to find much less of what is researched could not be used. Nothing much of Malaysia's media system that could be used for publications. It's this sad fact: we are all but an empty core, all but a regurgitation of what others brought into and introduce. The media system is nothing but regurgitation. We report, we publish, we are basically vomitting what others have expressed. The only times when opinions really mattered were those of book reviews and movie or music or even food reviews. We have never experienced transparency and I fear that we never will be. If anything, we are genuinely afraid of being too transparent, that the citizens could read the law like a textbook, use it to their own accord to the abusive level, what was left was what of no value. The core value of law has vanished. I'm not sorry to say that if any of the media companies in Malaysia deserves any awards for credible journalism outside of this country, I can tell them they are admiring a pile of vomit. I'm at the same time deprived of any pop culture knowledge, any knowledge, readable or not. Despite portraying my capabilities of flaunting my language flawlessly without any hesitation, my editors pointed out I'm still obviously too young and too naive for any proper reviews nor could I become a analyst at this age when I do not have an all-rounded coverage over what has been going on for this while. I'm at a disadvantage for giving into the foundation system, jumping too much for an age that discriminates you for being too young, underknowledged, not too acknowledged into the working class. When I graduate, I'd probably be getting my ass out of here. I'm dreaming of Europe, maybe to be more precise, Germany. Stay tuned, I'm not going to be refraining myself a lot after this holiday.
It is right over there at the new slot. Please read. Thank you. I still have the original postings of the blog. Don't worry. I kept my word, but I do not trust myself to trust others anymore. Thank you, No Thanks, Goodbye.
Kata untuk diajar hari ini: Irrelevance. Maksudnya: Something unrelated to a matter being considered. Contoh: A friend confided that she had a one night stand with another guy, and she had gotten back with her sonuvabitch boyfriend. She was depressed. I tried to ensure she wasn't grieving too badly, while fighting the urge to ask her about the difference between the two guys because it will be a matter of irrelevance. Terima Kasih kerana telah belajar satu lagi perkataan yang boleh diguna untuk pertuturan setiap hari. Sekian.
I have people who assumed I'm going against Earth Hour Malaysia for no particular reason; therefore I'm a cynic. I have people who assumed I'm not happy with my work; therefore I'm not extending my internship. I have people who assumed I took my boyfriend for granted just because I do not comment on the handphone; therefore I'm unappreciative of him. I have people who assumed my articles were good to be published; therefore I'm a good writer/journalist. I have people who assumed I'm going to accuse them whenever I tried asking them something not discussed before; therefore I doubted their friendship. I have people who assumed I will know about certain activities through the boyfriend; therefore I do not need to be informed personally. I have people who assumed they know everything about me; therefore they can say hurtful words without thinking. I have people who assumed I'm against bloggers and Nuffnang for no good reason; therefore I'm a pessimist. I have people who assumed I do not change my mind after certain thoughts; therefore I give up easily if there are any changes. I have people who assumed I do not care; therefore I'm fierce even when playing different roles. I have people who assumed I'm strong; therefore it is alright to constantly praise me so, or I should not complain everytime I feel emotionally affected and needed a space to rant. And now, I'm going to assume that I have people who assumed that I'm not happy with their behaviour; therefore I'm writing this. I just find it amazing that some people just do not know who I am after like, 3 years of friendship? That they could assume so much of me, jumping into conclusions within a snap of a finger? No offense, but do grow up? Or at least ask me why do I think like that about certain issues that I deemed negative before assuming I was just being a brat like you out there? Sometimes I answer like a brat because I feel that some people don't deserve a mature answer. If I'm not angry, why am I posting this? Because I'm rather annoyed with the assumptions. Not angry, annoyed. Nice to see how they still couldn't penetrate or couldn't be arsed to get to know me further though. Shows a lot about how they took this friendship and trust for granted huh? I remember on a dinner, there was a trip being planned, and I jokingly added a guy whom was generally despised. But one guy blurted out "WHO THE FUCK WANT TO INVITE HIM?????" (no joke, that was how loud it was).....leaving an awkward situation, or having the boys all smirking the dark. Probably wondering why was I so stupid to talk about that guy. If only they knew how he has changed, even noticed and know that he had close to no friends in university now due to certain actions in the past. Oh but, yea, since when my words was ever worth listening to? I don't pout and suddenly not receiving calls or do I get myself into sticky situations so that I need to be rescued. I could be just helping to boost his image only hor? Of course, how would I know how much they hated him? I didn't bear any sort of grudge nor bitter memories about him in the past, nor am I bearing any now. Sure, annoying he was before, but certainly mellowed down a lot, even knowing when to shut up. Even when only 2 friends turn up for his birthday celebration, he never fretted. In fact, we still had a really good time. Oh, but what would people know? They assumed he's as lousy as before. Forever. Will be. Always. And I'm the one laughing inside because I'm amazed by the powers of sociology, the evolution of the EQ and mental maturity. No doubt, I'm not saying that I have the EQ and mental maturity of a God. But at the very least, I try my very best not to assume anything negative that has happened to my friends. My dear friends. My very very dear friends. The ones who tell it straight to your face as if trying to have a debate without checking their facts. The ones who immediately became astounded with my strength, but appalled and disgusted if I ever show my weak self. And this is why I do not have a best friend. Sorry folks, no such vacancy for any of you =)
I couldn't imagine how sorry I am to screw today up...for no good damned reason, and then caused the person to fuss so much because it was done after the return from Bali.
I'm not surprised if I don't fuss so much after a long trip back and having to face a noob in make up.
"You're in the beauty line. Wear more make up," Man, if only she knew I was only an intern.... I can't help but only to say sorry sorry sorry ><...I seriously screw up. And I'm gonna go to the corner and repent about this..... No one at fault ler this time. Only me. ><....cannot tahan....beauty is definitely not my strongest point.... Once a crap, always a crap. Need....more......balance...and...time..management...farkness!! screw screw screw screw....next time, let me learn to not do anything....ANYTHING...T_T Haiz.....why I so smart go and pitch this kind of lousy idea.... ------Update at 9.16pm------ I'll just keep updating this like facebook or twitter, because I'm talking to myself mah.....this is where random thoughts will fly out. Actually, everybody was right, I should've stayed in newsdesk. It may be a strict environment, but at least I only need to answer to three people. The PRs, have nothing against me (I think). Now I also have to answer to the interviewees and I wonder why do I need to. I don't like being personal to people that I don't know whether they are vulnerable to me or not. Sucks, why is this happening? ---------Update at 12.17am----------- No longer feeling bad, thanks to all the friends I've talked to. Catch you next time. Bye.
It's that it occurs when you had already expect it to happen. Political stupidity: General Election: Cabinet reshuffle. UMNO Election: Cabinet reshuffle. My goodness, cabinet reshuffles every year with the UMNO elections right, might as well make that the definitive election. Why bother going through the General Election that includes the kecik pucuk of 30% of the so-called 'minority group'? Eh wait, no, the other non-UMNO members would've been pissed off too. Ehehehe. But still Cabinet reshuffles every year like this, we all die la. Never get any problems. Funniest capitalism stupidity: I've said before that I love it when these idiotic bloggers who had joined some goddamn "blogging community", and then posted blog advertisements on their blog for some promotion gimmick. No, I don't really care about those blog gimmicks. The best part is that this new trendy way to save Earth called "Earth Hour" where it prompted the cities to switch off their lights for one full hour before switching it on. Frankly, its a nice stunt, but only for the people who didn't do much saving before and thinking that "oh noz! it's time!" >_> My house has been practising recycling for more than 10 years now, since the 90's. I think 1997 or 1998. My personal intolerance of the cold temperature actually helped saved the usage of air-cond. Heaters are a great comfort after you emerged from an air-cond blasting office (aka my office! Farkers why so cold one?) But the best part is that some bloggers, they blog that Earth Hour is a stupid stunt. It is merely a WWF trick, it is not going to help, it is not useful. bla bla bla With a Nuffnang promotion ad next to it telling people to switch off the lights in support of Earth Hour. *grunts snorts resisting urge to lol* Dudes and Dudettes who are into this internet business shit, at least remove that ad before you bitch or you'll end up as a collection of my print screens showing the exact stupidity that gives me more reason to stop believing in internet business. Unless these business enterprises has no business ethics, because internet business ethics is as virtual as cyberspace law. Oh how I love being mean. By the way, it's not that I don't want to support Earth Hour, but I have a dinner to attend tonight. So it will be full of lights at 8.30pm anyway. Trust me, Earth Hour won't make a big difference in Malaysia. See if they have a press conference after this Earth Hour stint to calculate exactly how much energy + money Malaysians have helped to save. I'd believe this Earth Hour stunt in Sydney and Melbourne that they have a good cause. Cannot believe the ones in Malaysia though. They couldn't even stop the illegal wildlife trafficking activities here. How to convince people to flick a switch?
What a metaphor, "Heart skipped a beat" to describe the moment when I laid my eyes on him. Clad in a black figure hugging silk shirt with pants of equally good quality, he was sitting there sipping his glass of chivas. Such regal elegance. My heart was jumping out for him. And he wasn't just concentrating on any girls dancing in that party. Oddly enough, his friends decided to leave him be. Then he turned to me. His daunting brown eyes was set upon me. I turned and head straight into the ladies. Looking at my face made over just for this occasion, I hardly believe it was me. The eyes that were previously cover by spectacles, are now shining with shades of blue and gold. Those pale lips have been redone and are now glossy with a shade rosier than my original lip colour. I liked it that way. It makes me keeping that au naturale. God, I'm only here for that free flow of Heineken. My colleagues encouraged me to try and play dress up for the sake of being playful. "Babe, you're fucking 23. Wear something that suits your age," she said, while throwing a dress I swear with my own life I will not wear to work, or actually ANYWHERE. If it wasn't That bloody threat she issued to me, that until I wear that dress to a function she will not speak to me nor approve my articles. "And bring some fucking pictures to prove it!" she said.
"Alright I KNOW already! Goddamn it leave me to work!" Now I'm here, all alone in the toilet, minus all that vomitting sounds of the drunk women who tried too hard to impress their other halves, feeling hot inside. And slightly lusty. One look at that guy and he had driven me this crazy, I can't imagine approaching him in a calm and nice way like any innocent and party going girl would. I really want that sexy beast..... Shaking off that thought, I began to re-apply my make up. Who cares about him anyway? There are so many girls out for a fun, he can just pick any girl to have fun with him. Such a swooning hunk, it's no surprise if he has gone off with others by now. After a good 15 minutes. I walked out again, no longer gazing at that direction. I just want my cold beer. "Hey Matt, another round," "Whoa missy. You are quite the drinker are you? You new?" "Yes sir. I heard there's free beer. I do not show myself except for the smell of free cold Heineken," And one glass was firmly on my hands. I just can't get rid of my alcoholist behaviour instincts to save my life. But the moment that cold beer reached my lips, going down the throat till it warms my stomach. "Chivas, Matt" "Right on, sir," A chivas-filled glass was set next to my Heineken. The man was sitting just next to me. "Hi. You looked new," he said, putting his hand out. "No. I just stop by for free drinks," I shook his hand, noticing that gold watch on his wrist. "Heh. You are different than my other preys in this club," he said, letting that black hair slide over his handsome face. "Prey? Whoa slow down there, tough nut. Who do you think you are?" I just shoot away and was slightly annoyed, not to mention angry. This is the exact reason why I didn't want to talk to him, because I'll end up knowing another crazy jerk who sleeps around. "I happen to be the owner of this place, and you've just insulted the person who provided you free drinks by assuming he's a jerk," he remarked coldly. I didn't buy it, and I called Matt over. Turns out he was telling the truth. Well, half truth. He doesn't even operates the club. He's just another rich kid looking for trouble. I couldn't stand anymore of his arrogance, and wanted to pull my handbag and get out of here. That idiot, whoever he is, had just ruined my mood and I will not just sit there getting bullied by him. But he grabbed my hand and dragged me into the corner of the club, and stared at me for the longest time. "What the hell do you want?" I demanded, gritting my teeth. "Are you disappointed? That I didn't turn out the way you imagined me to be?" he looked at me with an odd sense of concern. I couldn't answer him. I just let him look at me, feeling his body so close to mine. He began to lift my chin, and starting caressing my face. "You are beautiful...I love looking at you. Your lips, eyes, your neck..mm.." he whispered in a tone so low and soft I felt myself wanting to grab him. Instead, I kept clenching my fist. "I'm not an object or a toy. I'm...I'm...." before I could finish that sentence, he went and kissed me. He really went all out. Must have felt that same lust for me, I can feel it when his tongue wrestled mine, his lips feels so soft, he was holding me tight, and I think, I felt something in him tightenned... I pulled him away, and he looked slightly perplexed. I gave him a really doubtful smile. It's strange that he looked so cute even though he looked genuinely shocked. "The night is not over. I still want to have fun," I said playfully, before dashing into the dance floor. He followed not too long after. At first, I really couldn't enjoy myself with the crowd. But he came, and swept me away. Dancing really was an enjoyable experience for once, especially when I really couldn't match him. But I really loved to be close to him, to dance with him.....feel him so close to me We danced till close to 2am, then he slowly led me to his car. We have a few rather intelligent chats there. It's amazing how vast his knowledge was, and previous stereotypes I have had against him had gone off my head. We finally reached his place, because he claims that he kept his best wines in his house, would I like to go try them? I laughed silently, that was the oldest trick in courting ever been used. Except, I bought into it. I can't wait to be lured into it. He took out the finest wine glass with a bottle of Chateau Margaux. "Expensive stuff," I mused. "Only for the women who are priceless to me," he teased. More than one woman, I thought to myself, He's challenging me. I smiled smugly. A few clinks and a couple of glasses, we had another long chat. I felt drawn towards him more than ever. Part of me enjoyed this moment when we "battled" it out to see who succumbs to lust, yet part of me really wishes, he'll just get on with it and stop making me wait. Two hours later, when the bottle of wine is finished, and we were out of conversations, he still hasn't make the move. I thought I might grew impatient. But strangely, I don't. It's a good thing that the whole lusty affair is finally over, and all I need to do now, was to ask him to send me back, and hopefully we'll have another round of long talks. I was beginning to feel that I enjoyed his company. "Hey. Thanks for everything. I must go now, if not I can't work" I told him. He paused. I took it that he was too drunk to respond. I've decided to take a taxi, and before I left, I don't know why, I just kissed his cheek. "Bye." I said. As I was near to the door, I felt him hugging me from behind. "Don't go...please stay," he said in the very same whisper. The flame within me flared up. I felt his too. I turned around and we begin to kiss, passionately. I really couldn't hold it in any longer. I guessed he read my mind, and begin lifting me up to his bedroom. He threw me gently onto his bed, and the cover were so smooth, I began to loosen up to all the comfort suddenly around me. He was on top of me, and we began to kiss again. Slowly, I unbuttoned his silk shirt and it revealed a well kept body. A guy who pays routine visits to the gym, and he definitely have a good taste. Good thing he's a man too. Didn't shave too much of his hair. I love a man like that. He started feeling me everywhere, leaving me to gasp in pleasure. His hands were quick, taking out my clothing one by one, until what's left was my lingerie. "Mmm....babe, you're sexy, but with just your bra and panties on, you look hot," he teased, and bent down to kiss my neck while fondling my thighs. I let him do most the work. He seemed more than enthusiastic and before I knew it, he start being a little more adventurous, he got lower and lower... I stopped him at the nick of time, to tell him "Wait. I'm not done with you," and I shoved him down, with him facing me now. "Oooh, you love to be the dominating one do you? Rrrr, I like that," he told me in that really sexy tone that I couldn't resist. Unfastenning the belt was easy, what's hard was to stop looking at what will be revealed underneath those briefs. I was really in awe. Is this happening? Could this be real? We kissed again, more passionately than before. I've never been so sweaty and feeling so wanted inside. He turned me over, this time holding my both hands to the bed. I couldn't move, but he was panting, and he asked me this. "Do you want this to just be part of temptation, or do you want to be serious?" with seriousness shown beneath his face of wanting. I looked at him, and I could sensed, that this time, I want it to be real. "We'll have fun first, then we'll be serious," I taunted. He smiled. Within minutes, I felt an eruption of pleasure. It felt so good. What a temptation. -End- Inspired by the Russian version of Arash's Temptation and Jason Mraz's Butterfly. Enjoy. Finally, my kegatalan untuk menulis is not there anymore ;-).
I've sorely realised the sudden changes of myself, when I begin to ask the stupidest questions ever to the bunch of friends who have seen and cared for me through thick and thin.
My friends were puzzled as to why do I bring up these questions now. I do wonder myself. But no more wondering, I do not want to bring more misery into my life than I have in the first place. I just want to write this story to you.
I begin to question about things that I shouldn't have in the first place. I started having idealistic thoughts about work, and I started feeling jumpy, irritated, angry over the smallest obstacles ever.
Then, I've made a mistake confiding in, of all people, one of the strictest lecturers ever. I've receive a sense of awakenning that I have never felt before after receiving that email. I begin to feel angry at first, questionning on why that email filled with sacarsm was mocking my work. But then, I've cooled down. But at that very same time I've created annoyance to people who were deeply concerned with me.
Sometimes I'm just not the person who is willing to give in to the cycle because I'm a believer of breaking out. However, that does not apply to the working life and definitely will bring me more shame and disgust by the people at work had I seriously stupidly confronted the employers about it. But I didn't. All I did was trying to seek a clarification and I ended up getting blasted.
I know this time I really undermined the work in the line of journalism. I feel ashamed because my assumptions had caused displeasure to so many people who might have been directly or indirectly being affected by it. I shouldn't have given into the temptation of relaxation and the assumption of leisure work, that when I was suddenly thrown into chaos as before, I kept justifying my position.
But in the end the cruel reality is, there is no position. My work was to learn. And to learn I have to work. Hard. Rough. Toughen up. That was my goal and I shouldn't have let the little negative emotions eat me up until I crumble down with no questions ask and no doubt, I was prevented from learning anything at all.
No more justification on who is stricter, who is more lenient. Every employer does things their way and as the one who wants to learn I should accept these learnings with a big heart. I have and as my memory was slowly fading as to who, how, what, when, and where did my confidence start to fade and my heart starts to crumble, I should let it go and concentrate on fulfilling that remaining weeks to come.
It is silly to assume that at these last moments only do those questions pop up. Probably it is precisely that I have too much time in my hands that I begin to question and judge the system. No doubt, that email brought me back to the core and I'm trying my best to stop judging and start learning. None of the media systems are perfect, and I should be really careful by now.
Thank you the email writer, for bring my life back into focus. Your strict wordings had woken me up to the reality I will be plunging in. Might as well give me the wake up call now rather than me getting thrown into the spiral of despair and finally, doing the unthinkable. Thank you for the reminder of what Journalism really was.
I'm sorry to my current coursemates who are interning with me. You had to listen to my unjustified complaints, tolerate my unjustified behaviour, I've been piling massively on unnecessary worries on you guys and now I realised that I must stop doing so. Please if you are reading this, do forgive me for my attitude. I swear I will try to change, or at the very least, revert to who I was before.
To my boyfriend, you were right. All I ever did was complain, and complain about work whenever I see you. I've been giving unneccessary emotional burden because I felt that I have no place to go but to only talk it out with you. Even so, you have never failed to bring me out of misery. With that, I thank you. I don't know what else to say that will not be categorised to being corny.
To my friends in uni, msn and facebook, sorry for being the pessimist for the past few weeks. I'm sorry you had to look at that side of me. I don't know if I was used to be the optimist or the person who tries to cheer everyone up, but I know I've probably let a lot of people down because of my constant complaints. I'm sorry, I hope I didn't do any harm, if I did please give me time to redeem myself.
To my family, they might not read this, but mom had been the most helpful mom I've ever had. Her work experience were wide and it puts me to shame that I could not even last three months, compare to her 30 years. Her wise words brought me out of reality in a calm sort of way unlike the email wrtier who jerked me out of idealistic thoughts. She knew which button I needed to be pushed and she did it very well. Mom, I can never express the many thanks that you've bring to pull me out of my constant struggle with the nothingness. My endless struggle with emotions just kept me trapped, and thank you for pulling me out.
To my colleagues and *cough* boss, if they read blogs, yes, I'm willing to open my heart to learn more and stop thinking that I shouldn't be part of any activities. Truth remains that I still love to be the nosy person to want to know everything about anything. However, if my attitude of late has been really lousy and I didn't seem to want to do work. Then grade me as badly as possible. I deserved it.
To myself, you are on your own now. Now you know why being 21 years old hurts. No more la-la land, no more ideals. Stand on your own two feet and please have some sense of toughenning in yourselves. Your heart is too fragile and a little shock could send you tumbling like a goat. Throw away the negativities. Try and pull yourself up again.
I will pull you up from the constant pessimism you've felt. No more assumptions, just expectations.
I will do it, and be the girl who first went into internship. I write, because my mom said writing will make me feel better.
Writing this memo/note to myself does make me feel so much better. Thank you mom. Thank you. Thank you everyone. Gratitude is the best medicine to defeat pessimism.
They came, they saw, they questioned, they get answers, they munched on the free food. They took pictures of pretty models. What more can they ask for? Have you seen any of them during your assignments? I've seen all of them, even saw one of those guys twice during assignments and I even chatted with him >_>. Thankfully he looked too old so I probably wouldn't care much about his "business-y" issues. Be wary, be so wary. Thank god I don't say much about myself or even exchanged phone numbers with them >_>. I should go and laugh at the PR companies now kthxbai. Ok la, the credit is they do give publicities too. On BLOGS! *guffaws* NO FACE ONLY! Bwahahaha I wonder which kind of bloggers are worst? Those who faked themselves as the media to go in or those who smugly went in as "bloggers"? Comment comment!
I would like to appeal to whom it may concern, that at times, you just need to let go. At times, you just don't need that certain person to help you. Or if you already knew that person's relationship status, then you would have been more considerate to try and speed things up, or put the shooting time at another date so that person can actually make better preparation for the upcoming UTAR farking ball? Just because you are single it doesn't mean the others weren't. How many crew members' other halves that you've done with them being worried sick of their lovers on the set? And of all days, you just have to finish it on a Sunday when you KNEW the UTAR ball was tomorrow! you freaking knew because you were supposed to sit in the same table as I do and my boyfriend! So you do know that he has a girlfriend, you do know there was a UTAR ball, you do know that he always try to call me on the set (I think, if you ain't blind), you knew he wanted to go home badly. So I can safely call you an inconsiderate single. As how his Dota kakis are at the same category. My definition of "inconsiderate singles" are "just because you are a single it doesn't mean you can pull him into it and make the others who love him wait." Don't try to convince me this is work needing to be done. Fuck work. It's the fucking communication breakdown between your whole bloody crew that caused the problem in the first place. If you can't even made up your bloody mind on the outcome of the story then don't even try to fucking pitch some stupid abstract useless out of the world story! Yes I've had enough of all the Chinese-ed sillyness and due to you the inconsiderate single I have 1000 more reasons to hate them now. You don't even let those who initially planned to go back home go so that they can enjoy the Prophet Mohamad's Birthday. That is like four days of holidays if it wasn't for your "properly-planned" schedule. I'm pining for him like mad but I never once whined so that he won't be obliged to dump his work for me. There's a new game waiting for him, there are tonnes of idea waiting for his approval, there has yet time to do his shopping for more reasons than one, I want to watch the "Watchmen" movie with him because it's his favourite comic. I want to share with him my experience going to so many places also I can't find the right time to do so. And it is all thanks to you bunch of inconsiderate singles! I'm not going to apologise for what I've said and if you have any decency to feel shameful you should. And this is me being nice here trying to limit all my cursed words into just fuck. If not you'll hear more than just that. You watch yourself tomorrow and if you knew how I feel then you better stay off my way.
My heart felt sour everytime I heard this song. More so after I've attended the International Conference: Youth on Terrorism.
I've been witnessing 200 youths who could only sit and watch when their country crumble day by day.
These youths may not all come from war-torn countries, but many of them have enough experience facing conflict in their own countries that we could only imagine happening here.
"Millions are dying in Nigeria....."
"What kind of message are we going to pass back to Palestine?"
"How will you justify terrorism just by sitting there?"
"What do you know about the Russia and Chechyan conflict? Don't you think we don't treat them as brothers?"
It really pains me, because most of the international youths, they either came from Middle East, or Africa. Each of them bears a face of hard-beaten pain. I'd expect rich kids but no, these are students who have probably lived and seen the different sufferings occured.
Worst still, the speakers seemed very interested to place most of the terrorists responsibilities towards the youths. The Abu Sayyaf Group, The LTTE, The Al-Qaeda, Jemaah Islamiah, Southern Thailand riots, they mention again and again that the youths could have been victims of the systems.
They were wondering what made the youths turn to violence? Truth is, why not?
The Adults seemed to be destroying everything they had already, why not push a few of their buttons and aimed to give them a taste of their own medicine?
These youths I bet were struggling with their inner demons. Though I admit, this international conference is by far, the most democratic conference. One might think that due to certain confidential reasons, University students were not informed of this of course. I don't know how do the other youth councils found out. If I was not informed by it through my editors and that he asked me to go writer a feature about it I'll never live to see the day when I could hear the troubles of the youths with my own EARS.
It also gave me a sense of awakenning.
Youths will probably never change the course of direction until we move like 80% of them.
Sadly, as how we've seen, only about 10% of the youths in the whole world is aware of certain measures that needs to be taken before a certain kind of world peace could be attained.
Take for example, this song "Tomorrow". It appears on a certain episode of a popular anime, Gundam 00. The original ending to this song shows the graphics of women and children singing. One of these women were clad in "tudung" and the children had more than just one colour of iris. The men were wearing soldier clothing, with turbans on their head.
But you'll never see that image in the present media. Nor will you see the Americans or the Brits understand the undergoing traumatic experience they have caused. Guess what? I'm as ignorant. I wouldn't have known about the existence of this song had it not my boyfriend told me about it. Nor would I be bothered because I was originally not a mecha fan.
If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have made so much research and spotted often too many Anti-Zionist symbols found in that one series alone. But even as I know the company or the country who had produced such anime are fully supporting themseles. That is why they can self-generate funds, create their own technology, their country have self sustainability. Look, their country still continues to function economically even though the government shows signs of failing. That was how aware they were.
And Gundam 00 seemed to fair pretty well within the anime community. Problem is will it reach out to the other youths who could understand the underlying (or rather obvious) presentation it is showing? Or worst still, will the Gundam 00 lovers actually understand the true portrayal of the anime?
Might I add, during the International Conference, the only representative country from the West was Canada?
Worst still.....Everytime I hear this song I cried for the youths who probably find their questions unanswered, and the trouble of their country will continue to haunt them.
At one point, I felt that they were putting me higher than others. I don't know why must they send me out for all those assignments. I don't possess any special power nor do I actually know what to do.
I really want to say that I'm not hurt, but I am. And I want to rest. I just want to rest.......
My house is no longer home. My mom have to fly off to Italy soon. I will have to become eldest as usual. My last week in the desk brought me more troubles than that whole month combined. Why and what is going on?
I'm too stressed out to understand everything else but my own self. I haven't been concentrating in what I'm doing and only want to do my work just only because I want to finish it. I guess it really pisses off people sometimes.
As they have said, it's a rough sea out there, if I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.
I pray it is really like that. And I'm sincerely praying.
I really want to survive the remaining two days......
If only there is such a thing as password protected post for Blogger. But then again, maybe I just want to rant it out because I really cannot stand the incoming pressure when every editor out there wants me to demand why do I have to do these stuffs. Because, in my office, it is almost like being in American Idol. I have to report to Randy, Paula and Simon. If I get Paula, "she" will willingly listen and allow me some freedom to do my own things without feeling pressured. Randy and Simon on the other hand, are kind of the stricter people but they are also willing to teach. Unfortunately, I don't know what has happened recently. Maybe the whole system changed, because all of a sudden I have to report to them separately instead. My colleagues have been telling me that that is their way of doing things but I didn't believe them until I see it myself. Frankly, I hate it. Moreover, they don't read my blog so I can never tell them the more they tried to help and criticised me, the more I placed disappointment and anxiety onto myself. That is why I never liked being criticised. It's not really scolded because they weren't being loud to me. Being unreasonable, maybe. Being rude, maybe. Several of my friends wondered why don't I ever defend myself if they ever think I was in the wrong. I don't know. I just don't. Probably because I was thinking "I'm intern, I should say sorry, thank you." If it concerns about the news story, I can and will defend my story. But sometimes it was as if my character was attacked. Sometimes it feels that way, but it was also consoling because when they listened to me and then start teaching me on how to write the news. But frankly it's a little too much for me especially since I was already in the mindset of "Yay, I'm switching desks soon!".....But it is due to that mindset that probably brought me to jeopardy, back to ground zero, back to square one, back to being the amateur when she first came in. For the first time in many years, I broke down due to excessive emotional stress piled upon me. Crying for hurt and crying due to stress is totally different. But worst still, my colleagues realised I couldn't laugh at jokes anymore. I find that serious. Very serious. The last time that happened, I was under depression. I sincerely hoped that wasn't the reason why I couldn't laugh. I sincerely hoped that. My friends have been very encouraging and even some of my colleagues realised I wasn't being myself. True, I haven't. But that's how I was when in duress and stress. I have been being an ear to other people's problems, I've forgotten to deal with my own stress if I ever face one. Ever notice that even I write until here I've never blame the editors? You have? Well that's because I'm not supposed to unless they are really real assholes, in which I'm thankful I haven't receive the full blow yet. What is this wei? Final countdown? When all hell breaks loose at the last few days ? My friends have said that I could go through it. True, maybe I can. But have you heard of the word "Muka Tembok"? It literally mean "Wall face". A journalist's face have to be that THICK to withstand all the blows, slams and injustices thrown to them by the editors, outsiders, public? My "muka" was a "muka tembok" for the past few weeks, but all of a sudden, that "tembok" went crumbling at the last week. I thought and prayed that I will get a smooth "transition" from this desk to another desk because I was already feeling my "tembok" crushing down. My worst horrors were confirmed when one sentence uttered by my editor could just hurt me to the core. "Poor reporting skills." "What a boring intro." That was what he said. By right it was my fault and I should accept defeat and admit I was wrong. I did, but at the same time I felt so hurt I cannot explain why I couldn't be as bubbly as before. I used to still go back to my desk laughing, smiling and joking with my admin clerk and colleagues. This tough girl has her moments of fragility. Ephyon tried his very best to make me feel better but it is just hard because I cannot find the reason to smile anymore. It's not like my assignments are fun, outgoing, exciting. It used to be. But certain changes took place and then, those smiles, laughter are all wiped off. I felt pathetic to cry alone drinking hot Milo in a lonely cafeteria. I believed maybe they saw the red eyes to know what I was doing. I think. I don't know. Even as a sad girl I never forget my courtesy and say "thank you" to those who've tried to teach me. So maybe they didn't realised I was feeling down or something. For once, I wished I'd never have a toughened look, to feel that I was the weaker sex, to wish that I had more sympathy instead, to not wish so soon that I actually declared I loved working there. For once, I wished I could just stomp off, drove my car, and escape from my current surroundings. Even my home feels distant, no longer warm..... For once....I wished I was allowed to crumble, cry and scream...... My tough image, I don't want it this time.
My head's spinning with all the thoughts inside my head and I'm exploding, trying to get things straight, before I resumed working tomorrow. I don't want those thoughts to affect the way I work.
Gutter Journalism is such an "honour" given to a certain newspaper who had broke the story about Elizabeth Wong's picture scandal. So far, no one knew about the pictures and why it existed, how it existed. Yes the headlines portrayed on that newspaper was really misleading, misguided, it aims to boost sales.
But has it really boosted sales? We can't just assumed that it has unless you have evidence of them having a frenzy over this "picture scandal". If not then the newspaper certainly did not just commit a crime. It was a devastated disgusting method. But hey, they are fighting with three other English dailies.
But apparently a lot of them had forgotten that these people are now separated from NSTP. So they are trying very hard to have circulation. So it's a little pitiful. It's an act of desparado but I guess why not. After all, if they broke another story about a 13 year-old boy father like the other one, then that will be totally freaky.
And plus, they alerted her about the pictures first. Read her press statement HERE. If they didn't, she'll probably still not know about what's going on no? They could've been at their worst ethics and just post the pictures and write the news without telling her. What would you think of that then? Her scandal needs to be exposed because it was a sign of another failure to lure the powers that would be. That is just the worst thing they can do to turn her into another power. Thankfully, she was strong. But maybe she cannot believe in so many things in life now. Love Lockdown for real.
Some might not agree with me but hey, that's how I see it no?
Speaking about Scoop. I cannot say much about this. I daresay, a lot of us only knew about it after we read the newspaper. Our own newspaper -___-. And then there were the calls for the journalists/editors who exposed it, and they said they cannot tell it to them until everything is confirmed. They kept their mouths shut. I have people asking me too. And they told me that the place where they worked, the people were quite annoyed that my company scooped it first.
Who has the credibility to get the so-called scoop anyway? There are reasons so blatant to your face on why certain stuff are not in your grasp. That's all I can say. I gave a few information over what has been happening but not much because I don't dare to expose nor say anything outside of my grounds.
Speaking of ethics, I've been taught from university that it is good if we do not accept any rewards. Those little media gifts are okay, but what if you receive cash beneath the gifts that you had? I have not receive something as big as cash, because the news I've been to so far are just marketing events that they cannot just simply bribe any journalists. Some journalists are also famous for not taking anything. Err, actually, I haven't meet anyone who didn't take any gifts. Seriously. But to be fair, those little gifts I have, I gave most of them to my family. They are quite happy receiving it. They marvel at the power of me being able to bring back so many things. Things that they could never dream of getting for free. I've made my stand to bring back those gifts for my family. They needed it more than I do. My luxury is already here. My laptop. But yet they were so happy because I bring back another free bag, free t-shirt, vouchers. Most of these stuffs cannot even compensate to one laptop. It's one of those little things I can do for my family =). Speaking about family, my editors asked about where I lived and about my dad, maybe to bridge communication since my desk is so near to theirs. I told them the same story I've been telling for the past 8 years. Again, the same shocked expression, but this time because they found out my dad passed on at 46 years old. Is that really young? I wouldn't know. But I felt so stupid to tell them about my dad. Then I'll probably get some kind of automatic sympathy again. Sigh. Hopefully they still look at me like their normal employee again. The bits and pieces of my life as a journalism intern. And all these happen only today. Can you imagine what I go through everyday if they are as emotional like this? That I have so many thoughts about the going ons? meh. Tis life. The events somehow are related with each other, chained by me
