Question

Any women out there felt 100% secure about their lovers/spouse/fuck buddies? That their relationship will always be as secure as concrete?

I don't. Sometimes I just think that he shags anyone when I'm not around.

Delusional? It happens.

You just don't know when.

No, not my boy. Some other boy.

Heh.

Bear in mind, that as much as concrete is being strong, the harder the relationship, the harder it breaks, harder for you to pick up the pieces.

I hate being a woman (girl? whatever) for being insecure. But, full confidence, some men just don't appreciate it.

Again, I'm targetting the general circle. No one specific.

Treat your relationship as it comes, don't tighten it. Let it run smoothly, but if it is not yours to make, then fine la. Let it run smoothly.

Sorry for being emo, I'm a little intoxicated with cough mixture that happens to make people feel drowsy. Woozy~~~

He's gone

RIP to Ban Ann, my loving grandfather. He passed away at 88, but according to Chinese age, he's already 91. So he'll have a happy sending instead.

I'm glad to had him for the first 20 years of my life.

Lets move on from now....

Another grandpa....

Will be leaving me soon. But this one, had lived with me throughout my life.

He witnessed my birth, and stayed in the house for 21 years. Even if we don't talk much, I've grown to love him and respect him as a silent man.

Sigh, I'll lose both in a year. It feels saddening to think that another one will be leaving us before he gets to see his home country, China's opening ceremony.

He left his home country, to avoid Mao Zedong's communism dictatorship over China. He produced children that fared so much better than himself.

And his children, one of them, had me.

I felt like I am a combination of two legendary men, because they both created childrens, who later created me.

I'm bad tempered yes, but not as bad as my father, because I have my mother's warmth and rationality.

I'm logical yes, and trying to be as rational as my own mother, who is really the best kind of child, student, employer, employee, friend, wife and mother.

So, whatever it is, I'm already prepared. I mean, thank goodness, my grandmother is able to see things straight, and do not cry or sob, and she's happy her family all came here.

And the best thing is, when my mother asked my grandfather does he recognised her (pointing to my grandmother), even though he's weak, unable to stand up, he said

"Of course, she's my wife"

I think that beats everything. She's happy, so are we.

Praying for his peaceful leave.....

I'm Sick

The kind where I could still rush to the toilet even when I didn't eat for the whole morning.

Not even drinking!

I was supposed to post a blog post about nuisances, but I guess I had to postpone it.

Let me describe what I feel right now.

It is like I've been laced with all kinds of chemicals, and currently brewing in my stomach. And one of them, is going to be rejected through my mouth.

I feel so fucking uncomfortable.

Stomach discomfort + headache + dizzy spells + wanting to sleep + Irritation = A fucked up Cindi.

What's even better, I'm going to bitch about my life, because it just went for an overturn.

My grandpa came back from the hospital after another surgery, however, it made him feel even worst than before. He can't even walk, can't speak, don't recognise me even when I waved at him, weak until he couldn't control his only good hand (his other hand went weak after suffered a stroke)

Grrr! Why is it that every visit to the hospital his conditions worsened?

And now my mom, who is also a single mother, now is contemplating whether should she work or not tomorrow.

Mahai, Why can't others just took care for them?? What are we supposed to do with two elderly grandparents?

What's more when two of us are studying in colleges and university and my brother have basketball training.

(Personally, I would prefer my brother to stop his basketball training, his studies are deteriorating over it)

What's more when the maid who is supposed to take care of my grandpa is not here yet, earliest is next Tuesday.

And even then, we kind of suffered, with me doing most of the night house chores, while my brother did the morning ones.

Only the sister didn't do any, "forgot liao". Grrr....

That is why I hate being the eldest, it's in the conscience that the eldest must do everything. Fuck fuck fuck that perception, being the eldest really sucks!

Back to my grandpa, as far as I can say, these conditions only happen today, so hopefully, he'll recover within days. If not, it'll add on a major burden for my family.

What is more, Ephyon decides to hold his "all guys outing" on the very day when I feel the worst, which is tonight, currently, now.

I didn't want to speak to him. He's not worth knowing how serious my family conditions are right now because he don't care.

All guys have this "emotional detachment". They certainly don't feel the pain when their girlfriends told them how tragic are their conditions.

That is why I didn't want to speak to him. It feels so dreadful to hear him just say "Okay". Okay? How it be okay? Then he might add on and said "Well what else to do you want me to say?"

I've never complained that I lack of dresses, perfumes, jewellery, flowers, plushies, or make up. Because I never used them. It's not that hard, and it saves a lot of money, and we spent more on food. And all I want was hugs and kisses, unfortunately, he always used it at the wrong time.

And now, this.

I can never understand why he can't just fucking reject the offer for ONCE! Even if I asked him to, he'll say "I'll do it...lor" with that grudging tone that I was restricting him.

So I let him. I only hope he'll suffer for his Communication Theory presentation. I prepared so well also I kena "hentam" like no business. Their group barely prepared. I hope they fare worse.

I'm not in shame to curse him because he deserves it.

And to that gang of boys who always stand up for Ephyon and view it from a guy's point of view, Shut Up! You don't suffer from having two elderly people staying at your house, you don't have to see them constantly coughing, gasping for air, having to carry them with your brute strength, and act like you are the strongest, and what's more, having to smile and say everything is fine, all the fucking time. If any one of you dare to say that you, are suffering even more, than I do, I'll make sure that I leave that inner circle because I'm SICK of your antics on "my balls are fucking smaller!!! Can't you see???"!

What Famwie? There is no fucking famwie in this inner circle. I only go for Dylane, who gave me the best hugs and at least willing to listen everything before trying to present her arguments. Yea, sometimes, you people did sms, but it's only that once in the blue moon, and I do most of the initiating.

Do YOU people EVEN CARE? I doubt so, or probably because you guys stay too much with Ephyon, and just because he didn't tell you everything it didn't occur to you to ask me in person? Whether am I really alright?

Forget it, there's no point on continuing to rant about it. It'll probably be better if I leave this group because I don't see anything in common within us, other than the fact that I'm still with Ephyon.

Or maybe this is because I'm feeling so sick that my brains started to blur.

See, I'm "sacrificing" for you "nobles" that I have to find a reason as to why I'm feeling this way now.

Screw it, I'm off.

A day full of Misconceptions

I'm not believing what I've just saw -__-

Just this afternoon we were discussing about the live debate with my comparative politics lecturer, and he thought that Anwar Ibrahim might not have the guts to come for the debate because he had the police right behind him, ready to pounce and catch him.

I agreed to what he said about him, because wow, Anwar who is causing a lot of terror recently, is now getting terrified himself. Maybe he won't come.

But I was sorely mistaken.

He did have the balls of steel, and really showed up and debated.

Nice, interesting, but the method sucks.

What's with the bell? Ding Ding?

-____-

It kind of reminded me of my high school chinese debate. Nevertheless, this is the first live debate, and hopefully not the last. This is a good way to think that those upper guys are really liberal-minded.

I kind of like Ahmad Shabery Cheek, cause he also have the balls of steel. I mean, taking up against Anwar, A political veteran. Whoa.

At least he's having the guts to help change the image of Barisan Nasional. Good.

Anwar, he's had the guts, that's one step. At least, he's true to his word, and really did show up. When we all thought he'll shy away from the controversy.

I think I should let go of negative thinking barriers.

Oh yea, I partly flunked my Communication Theories presentation, partly because our content is not full and equipped with enough arguments.

Tutor was nice enough to came to us personally to tell us we are quite okay, just really need to know which direction are we heading to. But god, getting shot was really really hurtful.

I've never seen so much bullet wounds in my whole presentation career.

That negative thinking barrier of "Negative content sells" must go too.

Argh! Being a Malaysian on this current year sucks, so many misconceptions that I have to throw away.

It'll take me some time to recover from all this.

Sometimes all it took was one small step

I'm not too sure what made me want to write this post, but I guess, every small step matters for many people, who after that had life-changing experiences.

When I got to know Ephyon, we were quite okay friends. Not really too close because we were in different class. I was happier hanging out with Dylane and Islander, and The Phantom. We were all happy people during Foundation.

Then came the Penang trip, where everyone became emo for something that day. I told a white lie to calm one of my friend down. Something about fathers I think. She loved hers, I hated mine. We both lost our fathers. But yet when she cried because she missed her dad so much, that I guess I just want to calm her down by telling her how I missed mine too. It was a drain, and Ephyon just hugged me from behind and kissed me. I was err...too shocked to react. Because I thought we were supposed to be friends. Then we kept playing hide and seek feelings. This went on until the second last day of the trip. That when he was sleeping, and I was talking with Islander about the possibilities of me being with Ephyon, and I just....kissed him on the forehead.

Then we were together since. No confessions needed.

Ephyon had told me that if it wasn't for that kiss, he thought that I wouldn't reciprocated his feelings.

Phew. Haha.

And then I read one of his coursemate's blog about how she was helping out the Dance Club in Setapak, and then she wanted to know one of the dance crew members, her friend was faster than her and got his number, and at first she didn't want to, but she thinks that if she won't do it now, she might not be able to see them again. (This is exactly from her blog ^^). So she got in touch with the guy that she wanted to meet. She became a fan of their dance crew at first.

And then, they were together.

I bet that if she didn't take that one step to get to know the guy, she would not have had a boyfriend by now.

It is the same for many others. I guess it is just different in many ways. I did know that one small action, it might not matter to us, but it matters a lot to them. I think one of them was, that when I was young, at a kindergarden age, I befriended malay and indian friends. It might not seemed much for me, because I was naturally eccentric =.=. I was a rebel kid la if I dare say it. Constantly creating trouble and what not. But my studies were not too bad, so I did help some of them a bit.

When their UPSR results came out, I didn't see where they were.

I wonder what happened to them, I hope they are alright.

Another one would be the ones I had befriended during secondary school and we still keep in touch until now. Ai, please don't say keep in touch, we still remembered each other even if we didn't have any contacts with each other. And I was grateful to have those buggers (because most of them were boys) in my form 5 life. They made my life so much easier to go through without having to look in despair over those Chinese people who always prefer to stick within themselves.

In a way, I've changed them, and they have changed me. Now, I'm extremely good at mingling with anybody, be it Chinese educated, English educated or just plain people. And they have changed their own mindset about other races, because they know that not all people are like that. Or rather, we did not look at skin colours, but attitude. They themselves also acknowledged that some of their own people have massive attitude problems

Because I'm going to be extremely frank here, some of the Chinese had very very problematic attitudes. I find it even easier working with other races, even when sometimes I couldn't understand Bahasa pasar. (Dang, this is something I need to work on, anyone can teach me? Just kidding, I know I had to work on it myself)

So, most ministers who deserved to step down, were never criticised because of skin colour, but of attitude.

But they criticised us based on our skin colours.

Oh well.

But for all of us ordinary citizens, have you took a small step only to receive a life-changing experience?

Meanwhile...

Will anyone else think that the ISA is sufficient for Malaysians now?

Read and judge for yourself.

(Taken from Rocky's Bru. Thank you for the exposure. Or ignorant bastards like us will continue to live in the dark)


Dear YB Syed Hamid Albar
Home Minister


Re: Aina Mardiah Shahrial, 17


You may not know Aina, she is the eldest daughter of Shahrial Sirin, an ISA detainee. On the afternoon of July 2, about 3 pm, she was admitted into Kajang Hospital. The girl was fighting for her life. The family immediately informed authorities at Kamunting, where her father had been detained for the last 7 years.


Somehow, Shahrial was only told of her daughter's illness at 10.30 am the next day, July 3. Aina's mother made a personal appeal to the authorities at Kamunting to let her daughter be with the dad for the last time. The doctors said Aina had only a few hours of life left, God-willing.


The authorities at Kamunting said they could not release Shahrial. They had to get your signature on the release papers. Yes, YB, your precious signature.

Aina's father was finally released at 5pm. It was the longest four-hour journey to Kuala Lumpur.Shahrial got to her daughter's side at 9.45 pm. He was too late. Aina had passed away at 6.20pm without seeing her father.


Thank you, YB, and may Allah bless you and your family.






Truly saddening. And I agree with Rocky this time. Sometimes all we need is common sense. Formalities first or emergency first?


Pictures can be found in Rocky's website. This is something we should remember. So that we are not going to continue to be ignorant towards the lives of the people.

We claimed that as youngsters, we are the almighty and we know what is going on. We know what is coming out, we know that BN must come down.

However, like the Holocaust, do we even know the severity of the damage BN had really done? Until it is exposed?


Just because it did not appear in your favourite blogger's post, or in the mainstream media, does it mean that we can act like NOTHING HAD HAPPEN UNTIL NOW?


We're all only humans. And I'm sick. I'm not sick because of Syed Hamid Albar.

I AM SICK OF THIS EPISODE BECAUSE WE CAUSED THIS TO HAPPEN! WE ARE THE FUCKED UPS THAT DID NOT CARE! THIS IS NOT SOMETHING A PROTEST RALLY OR A FIGHT IN THE PARLIAMENT CAN CURE! I CLAIM MYSELF A HEARTLESS BASTARD!


Rest in peace, dear Aina. You should've deserved a better life, deserved a college education. Yet you were robbed of those, what's more, robbed of the chance to see your father for the last time.


I feel sorry, but sorry is not going to change what had happened to you.

The only thing I could do now, is make people be more aware of what happened. You will be the starting point. Thank you.

Who else could stand up and admit (or clarify) this?

(Taken from Education in Malaysia, original source HERE)

(NOTE: This is an email i received from a reader exposing the latest brain washing tricks deployed by UMNO's apparatus called Biro Tatanegara(BTN). Mind you BTN is 100% funded by tax payer's money)

Biro Tatanegara. Does it ring a bell? Government propaganda or honest student development programme? For those who aren't aware of it, Biro Tatanegara or BTN for short is under the Jabatan Perdana Menteri and it has several modules which all public university students have to attend in the name of "Student Development". On the 6th of July 2008 in UiTM Shah Alam, there were three separate talks being held under BTN with the first one being titled "Pendidikan", second one titled "Ancaman Keselamatan Negara" and the third one titled, "Patriotisma". Smell anything funny yet? No? Read on. You won't even have to smell it after you are done reading this. It'll be stuffed down your throat.

I would like to only focus on the first speaker, Dr. Idris bin Md. Noor. He was supposed to talk about education as that was the title of his speech, but the content was far different. He first went on with the usual introductions but in less than a few minutes, he suddenly touched on the forum on the discussion of social contract in Malaysia that the BAR council organized. He criticized it with all his heart, saying no one should discuss about it as it is unquestionable. Fair enough, I thought at first. Freedom of speech right? But what if he suddenly accuses the "Malay" speaker in the forum, which I'm guessing is Farish A. Noor, as a traitor to the Malay race as a whole? And while he was browsing through his files on the laptop which was projected on the big screen, it was no surprise for me that I saw files entitled "Ketuanan Melayu". He also then went on about the Malay's obsession with magic and ghosts, he said that it is all wrong beliefs through the perspective of Islam because if they really could use magic and other dark arts for fighting, then they should kill Karpal Singh with it.

There are so many quotable sentences, if only I could remember it all. He even said, "Kalau ular dengan India depan mata, ketuk India dulu." He then started to become more impassioned in his speech towards the end, like someone campaigning for a political seat yet failed, and resorted to a multi-purpose hall with bumiputra students. He said so many atrocious things that I will list them down in point form.

-Explained how the Malays aren't racist but others are racist towards us.
-Bangsa Malaysia does not exist, neither does Malaysian Chinese and Indians, only in the strict Malay, Chinese and Indians. (Interestingly, behind a booklet provided to us, one of the objectives of the programme is to produce a -"Bangsa Malaysia". Obviously, he was ignorant).
-Bahasa Malaysia does not exist, it is Bahasa Melayu.-Nothing wrong with waving the Keris.
-Bumiputra hanya 55% di Malaysia, give birth more people!
-The University and Colleges Act was partly made to ensure a Malay Vice-Chancellor in Universities which should be the way.
-Blogs are "berdosa" or sinful.
-Christians will not like Muslims.

But that isn't even the best part. The best part is, he showed a short film on thedangers of Zionism and the illegal occupation of Palestine which was probably the only part of the speech I agreed with and I thought to myself this could be the only fact of the speech but surprise, surprise, at the end of the film, there was a montage of so-called Zionist supporters with the pictures of Anwar Ibrahim, Tian Chua, Teresa Kok, Hishamuddin Rais and Ezam Md. Nor. Then a question popped up in my head. Is Ezam still a Zionist supporter since he is in UMNO now? Does that mean the government has a Zionist supporter as well as the opposition? And expectedly, the speaker was being more anti-semitic than anti-zionist. He even explained how the Pakatan Rakyat ruled states are all going down the drain and he says, "this is what you get if you vote for the opposition!" He criticized Anwar Ibrahim and his colleagues so much along with Pakatan Rakyat while being completely oblivious towards Barisan Nasional's mistakes. As if they have perfect policies.

This was supposed to be a speech touching on education and look how it ended up. It did not even smell anything of education. It was a speech that was not meant for national unity at all. How could it be when you spread hate? I could only sit and ponder quietly while all this was happening. But the speech was not the saddest part. The saddest part was that the majority of students in the hall were cheering him on. I will type out part of the lyrics that were supplied to us, entitled,
"Warisan".

Anak Kecil main api
Terbakar hatinya yang sepi
Air mata darah bercampur keringat
Bumi dipijak milik orang

Nenek moyang kaya raya
Tergadai seluruh harta benda
Akibat engketa sesamalah kita
Cinta lenyap di arus zaman ini

Indahnya bumi kita ini
Warisan berkurun lamanya
Hasil mengalir ke tangan yang lain
Pribumi merintih sendiri
Melayukan gagah di nusantara.

Who were those words referring to? Foreign powers or non-malays?

Perfect welcome to the new intake of University Students. Please spread this to others. People need to know.

I know you should.

written by
A Worried Student,06.07.2008



This is extremely worrying indeed. I'm not sure if the speaker is living in the cave when he obviously did not witness the topple of Barisan Nasional in the recent General Elections 2008. What is he implying?

And Most Importantly, is this really for educational purpose? If not, why isn't the organisers stopping him from being carried away?

Do they INTEND for this to happen?

And even if I want to be wary, I'm not going to be wary over somebody's race, more like going to be wary over somebody's brain level. Because sometimes the level of 'stupid' matters more than the darkness of our skin colours. One of those brains that I have to be wary about would be the Speaker above.

Strangely, I've heard of that song before. I think it was a poem reciting competition by a few people. One of them was reciting this. No one reacted, (because no one was listening to it in the first place >_>) and it was a Merdeka poem. No one suspected that this is a song that has a hidden meaning, because it was Merdeka, and we thought it meant the ex-colonials like Britain, Portugal and Holland.

However, if it is used in this context, the hidden meaning came out.

That speaker is extremely notorious when he tries to reason about how the people of the land should be wary of others. Lets see how he will react when he faced a bunch of liberal-minded academics who are secretly intolerant over ignorant and stupid people.

Do we really need the kind of rubbish here?

I is very the dying.

Suffocating, suffocating.....Mid terms, Assignments, Feature articles! All piled up in a week! Why the torture why????

And I'm so stressed up I need a release station.

Sophia'd better be a good one!! If not I'll tear my hair off and scream! ROAR!!

(Sophia is not a person, will be revealed soon enough)

Few more days, and I'll get my freedom!!

FIGHT...............my ass. I'll sleep first before fighting.

Ta.

Rocker Chick Says: Introducing Bee Gees

Alright, Finally!

I'm about to unravel my research. It might not seem much but I guess it'll do for now. Introducing:



The Bee Gees!

Pardon the hair and all, but it is not as what they looked like. And some of you might think, the Bee Gees, they only sang disco songs. So how can they be categorised in this?

Wrong. They did not start out to be a disco group. They first came out as a rock band. And then they ventured into disco. Soon after that, they went back to making rock songs.

The origins of the Bee Gees was rather accidental. It started when Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb and Maurice Gibb were living in Australia, they started to like singing, and as children they'll constantly perform other songs in front of people, using the tape (don't ask why people are happy watching performances of kids lip synching because I have no idea). Then one day while running towards the stage where they usually performed, Maurice dropped the record that they were supposed to lip sync, and they had to use their original voices to sing and yet they received good response. That is how they've started.

In fact, their own fame was rather accidental either, when back then, the Beetles were so famous, their own recording company recorded their first song "New York Mining Disaster 1941", and send it to radio deejays nationwide in America. And these deejays played it, thinking it is yet another song from the Beetles, hence receiving massive radio play, it was only after that they knew it was another band. It seems that after this whole episode, the recording companies are now required to name the singers in the demo.

This is the 1960s when Television wasn't really in colour hence the grainy videos. But it propelled them to fame, what more when there are other songs like To Love Somebody, I Started A Joke, Massachusetts, and many more songs before the disco era. But then the band did not last long because Robin left the group due to creative differences, and that Robin felt that the recording company preferred Barry as the lead singer more than him, even though there were actually no preferences in the group when it first established. Indeed, Robin's departure left the Bee Gees to slump because there are little to almost none of the songs created then were memorable. Robin's solo career did not bear fruit either.

Then they reunited in 1969, the starting of disco music was born. Barry had created a tone that did not require the vocal chord, and can yet still sing in a very high tune called the Falsetto. In another way, Barry Gibb was the creator of Falsetto in pop music (Justin Timberlake should thank him). He started singing in this tune for most of the songs that were made back then, and it was widely accepted in disco bars, and then accepted even more worldwide when their song was featured in Saturday Night Fever. Okay, in another way, Saturday Night Fever was created to promote the Bee Gee songs. So the world knew about John Travolta, a young nobody, and the Bee Gees, what more, of their American disco culture. This is where the America became a culture guru, what they started will become a worldwide phenomenon. Among all the songs, the favourite till now is Stayin' Alive, Night Fever and You Should be Dancing.

This is their prime time, and it was in this era, that all men will start having shoulder length hair, wearing big tinted glasses for those with glasses, tight fitting pants (and it must be white), maybe leaving an extremely big moustache and beard. It may look very corny now but back then, it was the hit. It was what a trend really was. Proof would be you can go and check your father's old photos if he kept any and you'll see the difference between him back then and now. Other songs during that magnum opus era would be How Deep is Your Love, More than a Woman and Too Much Heaven. But this is also where their music credits were born, they helped to write Emotion for Samantha Sang (now resang by the more famous Destiny's Child), and also helped to composed the music and penned the lyrics for Barbra Streisand's Woman In Love.

Of course in the 1980s, they reverted back to playing more rock songs again, with You Win Again and Tragedy. If you could see a pattern here, this is counted their slump in record career, but they still are strong as musicians, often helping others to write music. But it is rather sad, that at January 2003, Maurice passed away due to a strangulated intestine. And with that, their band was retired to preserve the good name of the three brothers.

Some insight theories I've found:

Are the Bee Gees, trendsetters or just merely following the trend?
At first glance they may looked like they were influenced by current events that eventually led to them having different facial features. Notice that in the "New York Mining Disaster 1941" video that they had the familiar Elvis Presley side burns, wearing neat suits during stage performances (A Beetles' trademark) in the 1960s. Not to mention they started out young, another trend then and still is. Any singer had to be at most 18 years old, and it is still seen in pop music nowadays. You have to be young to be popular.

This would relate to Mass Society and Mass culture theory, whereby a Mass culture is developed due to a trigger, just because someone dresses out of the ordinary. It is almost like the Beetles. While Elvis Presley's rock style was more granduer and flashy, the Beetles's fashion direction was more about commoners, working class, and definitely, ordinary.

But what about the Bee Gees?

They were followers of the trend from the debut of the career. It was what they wore back then. But in the 70s. They were the trendsetters, and you do not have to look at Americans, even fellow Malaysian dads were also seen bearing those long hairs, especially those long hairs even if it didn't suit them.

But do you know, this whole mass culture of disco must-haves is a fiction?

Nik Cohn, the writer of "Tribal Rites of the New Saturday Night", a source of where Saturday Night Fever is born, confessed during the 20th anniversary of the film, that the article written was fictionalised. He was a British who came to America and he was clueless about this culture, and in desparation, he made a story.

And that story, created a phenomenon around the world. It made John Travolta popular, it propelled the Bee Gees to worldwide fame. It shaped disco into what we, the younger generations think. It was all because of a fictional story.

So this whole disco culture materialised due to a story.

Hence, I daresay, the Bee Gees is a product of mass culture. You'd think they were trendsetters, but no, they are trend followers. But they knew why they had to have those fashion sense. The blind followers will be those like the men of every corner in the world back then. My father, your father, everyone else's fathers, musicians, and many more.

Stay tuned for more research.

What Matters: Education or Mentality?

Okay, I know I have that Rocker Chick section to put, which is why I'm going to start up both columns called "What Matters" and "Rocker Chick Section" today. And as the other Column is extremely visually enhanced, I shall start with something with text first, capish? And thank you for the attention.

This actually stemmed from what I've read in blogs everywhere, from mainstream ones to friend's blogs. I've even wrote an essay about Local University vs Foreign University. However, I kept saying that foreign universities offer the better one out of the two, but my essay scores came out then was, extremely bad. Sigh. But I wouldn't know if it was because of my language, or I was just spending too much time condemning the Local universities when I don't know half of what I'm saying.

But being in one of the local (albeit private) university now, I daresay that with a local degree, I could even apply a job overseas.

Oh, so everybody visiting this blog will immediately roll their eyes until it reaches nowhere further than their cornea. I wouldn't blame them. Even companies all over Malaysia are preferring foreign degrees more than local graduates, what makes me think that with this degree I would be able to get a job?

If I apply a job overseas, would that make my degree a "foreign degree" that everyone had been eyeing for? Heh. Despite the fact that Malaysia's degree might not be as recognised, but I bet half of us don't know any of America's college degrees, and just take them in, just because you saw the American emblem you go "Oh, America! Good good! Hire hire!"

If it was three years ago, I would react that way, but being exposed to many others elements we couldn't find in secondary school. I daresay it makes no difference if you had an education overseas or here.

Yes, it doesn't!

Getting an American education do not exactly mean you are child prodigies or geniuses, sometimes it just meant you are just rich, or maybe you know your way because the American government is extremely generous, by providing scholarships and loans to foreign students. And I didn't say that getting an American education is bad, it's just that you are lucky. And then, what of the others?

Enter the missing element: Mentality.

It is all over the newspaper every single year about the rise of unemployed local graduates. They kept emphasising about "soft skills" and "critical thinking", but wait, why not include "mentality"?

By "mentality", I meant "attitude" and the "willingness to speak up". There is no such thing as "humility" or "reluctance" in a resumé. And from what I see from my own university, over tutorial discussions, and even in an assignment group. Do we get to see alot of them voicing out?

No.

And they give reasons that they came from a lousy background, that their English proficiency is bad, and so many other stupid reasons.

Hey people, never heard of "IMPROVISION"? Okay, maybe you guys don't because if you do your English would be good enough to read my blog and fully understand it.

To the language impaired, it is called "进步".

(I'm sorry for the sudden usage of personal feelings poured into this blog because this is targetted at my university which the Majority starts with a C, and had constantly give such stupid reasons that I felt angry instead of trying to advise them)

So that is the example of a bad mentality.

Because you are constantly criticised, whether by lecturers or friends you do not feel the urge to change. Or by changing the way you read things, or the way you think about yourself.

No, do not even say that because the local education restricted us that much. We have even better students coming here and yet they could pass through with flying colours. Is it really the education's fault?

Or is it ours?

The working world is extremely cruel. (Note: Extremely) Your grades may look better than the seniors but what the boss do is treat you to be a dog first, then work your way up. If you have the right attitude you can make it. If not you just stay at the same phase. That is why I'm extremely furious when people said they rather be together because it is not about working capabilities but rather "He/She is my friend. I will stick to him no matter how lousy they are. I can help them!".

Or because they wouldn't let someone go because with that someone they will always excel in group presentations and tutorial work.

So lets say you are placed with a bunch of lazy people in the company you are working with. What would you do? Work your way through these people, or demand that you'll be sent to an elite group because they'll help you with your performance?

Then maybe you should ask yourself why do you deserve to be with these bunch of lazy people.

There is this statement my mom has said. "The Boss is blind. Only your work performance can make them see what are your abilities."

I dare to mention about this because I've seen enough to testify that Mentality and attitude does matter with the way we work.

I've seen my Arts lecturer who had went for America to study for 6 years, and yet while teaching us her English definitely did not sound American nor English.

My own boyfriend actually failed his STPM. (I'm sure alot of his Broadcasting mates do not bother to know that because he's too AWESOME already! *sacarsm*) And yet he could do good in everything he's given for in this university. And in fact, even if he's thrown into a group that he don't usually work for, he still bend it and turn it over. His group still had one of the highest marks. He might not like to be in that group because it wasn't as good but he definitely didn't step down. Instead he makes the best of it. And now he's constantly under demand. It's almost like people cannot do well without him. Sigh. That is such a sad case.

I myself, had worked with people who are impossible to please, or they have extreme cases in which they will never explain why they cannot do it. And it is not like their work is that great. They just can't, and to add insult, they'll throw it back at the very last minute and I ended up having to work in wee hours just to complete THEIR work. I used to just swallow everything due to the "good of friendship". But now I just became sacarstic, and if my mood is so bad, I'll call them "bastards". Yes, at their face. That's if they really pissed me off that badly.

So to anyone out there reading, you might be so angry, you might cry, you might just shrug it off because not all bosses are like that. But do ponder on the fact that soon you would be out working very soon. Of course education matters, but what about mentality?

Can you or can you not work despite all the situation is against you?

What will bring you to the working front? The fact where your education is, or your mentality?

Think.

(Sites to recommend about mentality and education: Vincent Lau, Minishorts, Education in Malaysia, Nigel Pinto [I put his in is because he have many posts that are considerably good for pondering, even if it's funny], Shadowfox)

P.S: Some of the languages they used in these sites may be harsh, but they are not without a point.

It's called a By The Way post

Because I'm too busy and lazy to make full essays about each issue that came up. Inspiration courtesy of Bapa Berblog.

By the way...The S.U saga is solved. But will Hannah turn up for the Prefects Reunion? To be continued

By the way...Wow, a first corrupt case already by the Selangor government after the 100 days celebration. Tsk tsk.

By the way...I applaude each and every mainstream/alternative media journalists for having the guts to boycott every press conference held in the Parliament. Even the ones by the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister! Whoa. What's more, you guys declined to held a press conference for Pakatan Rakyat members. This better be objectivity and fairness. Breathe easy Cindi.

By the way...Sorry to delay the Rocker Chick section. Really too busy. Will try to update one. I can promise you that much.

By the way...I dislike people who says one thing and does another. And no, it's not the Prime Minister. People already knew about that one. This is rather personal since I'm only a witness.

By the way...I also dislike people who puts private agendas into public work. That is so disrespectful to the academics. Some people just don't deserve it.

By the way...I also dislike people who never look at their own reflection and called somebody else a kid.

By the way...I'm not too happy.

By the way...My grandpa's quite fine yay.

By the way...Year 2 is tough. But I loved the challenge.

That's all for now. Toodles. Good summary huh?

Watch it, SU!

I've read both (HERE and HERE) latest postings in Hannah Yeoh's blog about the issue which I've blogged below. And for some reason it came to their realisation that the function is totally a private event held by organisers who had already graduated from school (after so long? What kind of principal we are having now?), which gave them the full reason to attend the function. They knew Hannah is no longer a student there, hence, they did not announced that they will not allow Hannah to go.

However, they have issue a threat that all prefects will be demoted should they go against the administration. And not only prefects, teachers even! They will sack the teachers who insist on attending! Hey! What is this? You want your school to be lacked of teaching staff is it? And it's not like we have that many teachers in the first place you hear?

Why the hell is this an issue again? Oh yea, because you guys had to listen to STUPID people! That's what! If people said that the school should apolitical, then they shouldn't put their hands into a private function and mess around with your bureaucracy. Issuing threats, banning opposition, sounds like the ex-Prime Minister, and YOU want to walk that path?

Look, we love this school, and we will not let one rotten egg blow this up into a big issue so that our school name will be shamed and ridiculed as "The Stupid School who banned Hannah Yeoh from an obviously Private Event and also threatenned to demote Prefects and Sack teachers just because they want to go." Is it that proud to carry that label around?

Or YOU have already known that Barisan Nasional will take Subang Jaya back eh? That is why you are so bold to make such moves?

I could almost imagine dialougues like "SHIT! I'm not going to enrol my children into that school! Lousy biased scumbags!"

And YES, IF I DARE SAY IT, PLEASE, BAN ex-students who are now Barisan Nasional members as well if you don't want the private function to be politicised.

GO AHEAD AND DO IT! WE ARE WATCHING!

And to others out there, I'm STILL going to urge all ex-students and current students of SMKSU to spread the word! Please go to the blog post below me (or click HERE if you are lazy) and please let other students be aware. Please prevent this catastrophe from happening.

Again, I love this school. If this matter will be resolved, I'll sing the SU theme song wtf. Well, lets give it a shot.

Go go go!

This is extremely absurd

This is very absurd, why the hell is this happening to my school?

As you've all realised, Hannah Yeoh, had highlighted what the school had done to her, by withdrawing her invitation to attend the Prefects' Reunion. Apologies for not realising it earlier due to me rushing back and forth for my grandfather, but I read Tony Pua's blog and I felt my blood boil, I've commented in it, but we'll see if he approves of my comments. This had also been highlighted in Lim Kit Siang's blog as well.

Even if this is a petty issue, how could you take away a student's rights to go back and thank her teachers? Not to mention that we're all part of this school. We all LOVE the school damn it! We love the teachers, maybe not the administration. We LOVE our friends who came from there, and alot of them remained close friends even till now. But now, here we are, under Hannah Yeoh's care, things were starting to improve, as she also constantly blogged about her efforts on trying to improve the area.

And yet, my school succumbs to pressure?

I didn't want to condemn my school about how do they make their decisions but if they remained politically affiliated to make this petty threat an issue, and expects US to bow down to them, then I'm sorry. You made me a product that is soon to be working on the field, and I've calmly replied, but if you make it big we'll multiply it bigger.

I know it is not my school's fault that made the decision but rather the authorities. Personally, many teachers were proud of Hannah due to her relations with this school. HECK, I bet that Hannah Yeoh propelled my school to fame, not in a big way, but good enough to let people recognised that this school produced good students. (ceh wah syok sendiri), and yet they do not let her in just because of her service to the DAP. Why not? Do you think that she would go around preaching to her ex-classmates on joining the DAP? Is she going to bad-mouth the government in a social event that is obviously used for just exchanging personal stories?

And even if I didn't receive a proper two way education like others, fortunate or not, I still know what is the best for me. Barisan Nasional is not exactly the best, DAP too, BUT, what Barisan did was to rob the rights of a student just because of her career, and that will leave a stain at their records.

As for my part, I would want to call for all the ex-students of SMKSU and also current students. Are you proud of your school and wouldn't want it to make a mistake? Do you not want it to bear the image of being a biased school? Then click on these links below, make sure that other students are aware of this, and make the right choice, whether to love your school, or to hell with it.

SMKSU's prefect reunion
Banned from school reunion?
SU, Don't Ban Hannah Yeoh!
"First class infrastructure, first class mentality?" by Lim Kit Siang

The Thing About Being Strong

People are very weak in some ways, and some are not. I've just got my latest task, which is to make my grandfather live on his remaining days of his life, to make sure he's happy, until he's ready to leave this world. As he stays with my family throughout my lifetime, it was a duty for us. And thank goodness, unlike two years ago, he's less fussier, and would let girls like me and my sister help him change his clothes, feed him, and that he will not feel embarassed nor will he show temper towards being incompetent. Not especially since I've tried my best, to save him from his attack.

And it is because I've did that (the saving him thing), that people all around telling me that I'm brave, I'm steady, I'm strong, I'm matured, I've did the right thing, I'm like my mother, I'm all things positive because my grandfather could still live on because of me.

It didn't just occur to me to being strong like that. I wasn't born being who I am now, the strong, brave girl. As anyone who bothered to read my previous post, three years ago, I wasn't like that. I was depressed, having low self-esteem, not knowing how to love myself. But as I went into university, and finally finding people who clicks with me, that I don't have to be too girly, I've found my solace. I've always known all along that I am who I am, but never brave enough to find out how much could I push myself, how much confidence I had in me. And yet, whenever I pulled out philosophies that only I seem to know, people go around praising me that I have a matured heart and mind, and all that.

Thing is, why are you telling me I'm matured and steady and strong? You mean if there was an emergency that occurs to you, you won't act like what I did? I was doing what was needed to be done. And the matured praise, I'm so sick about that praise, and it's not like you are stupid, just not observant, if you were you would've come up with the same philosophy as me. So that is one thing I hate to hear too, it's like you were just trying to be close to me that is why you call me mature, trying to make me feel happy. If it was three years ago, I would have happily lap it up, but now, if you do that in front of my face, and you are a stranger, I'll just ignore you. If it is said by close friends and relatives, well, I'll just accept it without actually knowing what it really meant or is there a hidden message.

It's not easy living with grandparents. Granted, they do grow old, their eyesight do became a problem after a while, and that they tend to nag even more than before. But, all the same, you couldn't hurt them, especially their heart, because if they become sad, or angry, they will be very weak and negative, and then when they became sick, no medication could repair their already broken heart. So you are telling me, that when their condition deteriorates, you would still scold them or argue with them till they cry? No right?

So it's not that I'm matured, it's just that you are not put into my situation. And I bet there are thousands out there with the same situation as I do, only that, my friends, you only get to know one of that few thousands out there. You know, single mother family, barely affording house expenses, bright (as my mom had confirmed that I'm bright), strong, in control.

Strong...I believe everyone has strength. It may not be as obvious as mine in a situation like this (getting my grandfather into the hospital in time and remaining calm), but, it could be, daring to disobey a leader who obviously got the whole concept wrong, brave enough to break up with a boyfriend who is obviously abusing you, physically, mentally or emotionally, or brave to make your stand that have positive ripple effect. Any of these are strengths, and all of you guys could be strong for that reason.

But of course, strong as how you may be, some strengths stemmed from support from loved ones. So, even a strong girl like me will need all the support I can to go through this. Even if I'm all ready and prepared for what has to come, I shall need some guidance, advice, not to mention a few encouraging words. Please help if you can.

But of course, to everyone out there, Be Strong.

喜欢

It's been three years since I had that feeling.

I was reading a friend's blog about liking someone, having a crush on somebody. It feels so mysterious yet so exciting as how she described her feelings. And as I read hers, I felt like my feelings back then all came back.

It was those times, when I felt that I liked him, that he did not realised it. And it was so funny back then, because, my friends were trying very hard to persuade me to talk to him more often. To interact with him. But for some reason, whenever you start to like someone, even though he was a friend before this, you felt like you've just met him. You start being polite, you start blushing, you start smiling for no reason whenever he did something stupid or something heroic.

Likewise, whenever he got himself in trouble or was injured (he was easily injured, soft bones I think), I get troubled, and would always sms him to tell him to be careful with himself, and back then, I was sms-ing in Mandarin. That probably kickstart my proficiency in that language. The craziest stunt I did back then was that, I rushed to Astaka stadium just to see him. And I didn't have the car, I was rushing with the LRT, and the Rapid KL. But in the end, I didn't get to, because apparently he got himself injured, again. You should've seen my face back then, I was so sad and disappointed yet worried for him, I couldn't really smile when I get back home, not to mention tired, rushing for nothing.

And I was so silly that I keep telling people to keep it a secret. =.= Sigh, why la I was so silly. Sheesh, even now when I looked back I felt so embarassed. It feels like, it was a now or never thing. If I don't do it now, I'll never be able to. (Which is quite true, I really never had rushed for Ephyon yet). And err, urgh, I wrote love letters ><. (WTF so TOP SECRET thing also I'm revealing it to the world!!) One I gave it on Valentine's Day (WTF SO JAKUN! I SCARED HIM LA MORE LIKE) and the other on his birthday (EVEN WTF!). I remembered I gave him a keychain, because back then, his pencil box had alot of different keychains that were given by different people and friends, and I wanted to be that part of him, and also because I thought he liked keychains. And well, back then, a secondary student's precious treasure would be the pencil box other than the handphone.

I still remembered what I carved, it was a pure silver keychain, specially laser engraved, I wrote his name, together with his English name, Alex. It was not a name suited for him back then, but since he used Alex for his signature, I just stubbornly added in it. I wished him all the best in everything. And true enough, he did put that keychain on his pencil box! XD. That action alone made me happy enough for a week. (WTF I know, I'm damn stupid like that. What to do, deprived of love from the opposite sex, just want attention siot) I wonder whether does he still had that keychain at his pencil box? or his carkeys? Or maybe, he'll just keep it as memories?

Of course there was also one incident that stemmed from my crush for him. It was a rather painful incident no one wanted to remember, but since there are no longer any harm feelings (except for one bastard which I will not elaborate further because he's not worth elaborating), I guess I could speak it out. The thing is, when it was nearing Sports Day, I had to march for the Red Crescent Society, and due to my own carelessness, I fell down from the stairs and I had my knee hit directly to the floor. It was so painful, even when I walk I could only limp. That pathetic. Sigh. I tried to ask the President to let me go, but she couldn't, because there are a lack of members. So during that Sports Day, I was practically standing the whole day, because not only do I have to march, but also I have duty calls. Imagine seeing a limping Red Crescent member skipping to help other players suffering from muscle cramps. =.= so much for rest. It aggravated my pain, but what could I do? Duty calls first.

Anyways, main point was, He was also limping. Because he hurt his knees too. (Mr. Soft bone ish) And waddaya know, it was also the same side of knee (left knee to be more precise). So two people limping like that everywhere, and most of the class gang knew about my crush towards him, sigh. Then before it ended, rumours were spreading all over that I was faking my injury because I love him so much that I should imitate his walking as well. Haiz that was the worst times of my life la. Because no one believed that I was also in pain, especially when he had the bandage and I don't. What more, I've been accused by gossipers and also people whom I thought were friends, that I love to fake things up, and that I'm so perasan (which meant I'm so into myself) thinking that my actions will touched him so that he'll be my boyfriend. Problem is I was so pathetic I didn't defend myself by shoving the doctor's medical bill into their mouths to prove my innocence. I just kept quiet. Sigh. See la, like someone until the feminist in me also weak already. Sad la. If who I am now met up with who I am then, I'll thrust her the medical bill and make them apologise by kneeling down wtf. Thank god the issue was settled after that, although it did hurt my friendship and my perception of those people, especially that one bastard. Oh well.

Of course the painful part came when he told me, after such a long time that he had someone else in mind. My heart shattered, literally. Why I know? I had diarrhea for no reason the next morning. I couldn't sleep as my stomach hurts like hell. And I started to be sick. Unfortunately that next day was Prom night for my school, and to prove that I could be strong, I went ahead, I went and enjoy myself. Not too much cause I saw him and his date dancing T_T. Went back crying, but ah well. Life goes on, that was how my secondary school life ended. Boyfriend-less and love-less. Shit, I was so emo like that. LOLWTF.

It's almost a year and a half now with my current boyfriend. He is very good towards me, but it was never the same like how I liked the other boy. For that boy, I truly made my effort just to get him to talk to me like a good friend without having any results. But for Ephyon, It had always been a good communication. I didn't feel that much of disappointment and pain, because Ephyon reciporated my feelings for him, and that he made me feel special, that I'm capable to walk the path down with him. He made me felt like the one, and I'm truly glad.

And when the boy knows about my relationship with Ephyon, he told me he was glad for me. Also, when we chatted once on msn, he said he cleaned up his room and found my love letters, and he apologised again to me. For hurting me? Maybe. But I did benefit from that hurt. At least, I wouldn't stupidly find somebody who truly is not compatible with me. He told me he already know I'm not suited for him. But I was too blind and deaf to listen. I just kept wanting my feelings to have some response from him, the positive ones I mean.

Bleh, so stupid, but if I didn't go through that phase, I wouldn't have learnt how to deal with people right? In an indirect way, I benefitted from my liking of that boy.

So, to you, and you know who you are, thank you. I just felt like telling my story to people because I want to tell my friend also having this crush that she's not the only one. I know she won't share her stories with me, but at least I want to tell her that I share the same kind of feelings with her. Hopefully she'll read my blog XP. But still, should you happen to read it and you don't want people to know about it, I'll take it down okay?

Thank you again.

P.S: Nah, to all my 5 Alpha-ians, it's a full exposure of what stupid things I did back then wtf. Now your turn to tell something embarassing also. It's a tag wtf nolah just kidding. I hope this answers everything you guys all want to know about those "cindi love alex yer yer yer" times. It's been so long. But three years is a good enough time for me to recover and found my stability then I tell my story. =)

Selangor's 100 days

I believe every Selangor citizens here have witnessed and gone through a hundred days with Selangor under the new government. Boy, our administration sure have many ups and downs. Lots of controversies dug up, lots of new rulings pledged by the government, now known at Pakatan Rakyat, with the Barisan Nasional Officers being the Opposition. It's a different twist for those staying in Selangor. With the 100th day for the Mentri Besar to rule over Selangor, here's a review on how he handles a few of Selangor's problems.

1) Balkis controversy.

Just to enlighten those in the dark, the Balkis is a sub-organisation of Bakti, which the organisation only covers the wives of Selangor's ministers and officials. In some ways, they were the wives' club. Its reason of existence is still unknown till now, as with all the other non-government organisations that spawned everywhere in Malaysia. It "claims" to be doing charity, how true is that we do not know and it didn't matter. What matters was that they transferred money out from their organisation with a total amount of RM10 million because they announced that they will dissolve after knowing the results of the General Election 2008. What more, the money will then be transferred back to Bakti, also known at "First Ladies Club", where the chairman was none other than our beloved Prime Minister's wife, also the First Lady of the country whichever way you see it.

I liked their way of approach of first stopping the transaction of that RM10 million before it flies to the federal monetary fund, then Selangor would also end up to be very poor state lacking of funds to continue developing Selangor even though it is already the most developed state in the country. Even though the Mentri Besar had put drastic action to prevent the money from flowing out, the response and the action taken after that are rather slow. It's not that we didn't want to have a follow up to the investigation, but for some reason the mainstream media decided to seal off reporting the news. What the hell? I say we should have the rights to know where did our money had gone through and why do they think they can just take away the allocation of budget first given to Selangor like that?

I wish to see more of the development about this case. Please do not take your time any longer to find out the cause. Because you will be questioned about that decision of yours. Remember that promise, transparency and clarity.


2) Bandar Mahkota Cheras controversy.

Hark, PUI! This is really the damnation of all controversies. It involves politicians, Federal Reserve Units (aka water spraying men), the angry people, Grand Saga Sdn Bhd, and also thugs. Look at the picture. Lots of bloodshed, lots of tears, lots of problematic issues featuring corruption and cronyism. People are angry, police were there to "instil discipline". Innocent victims arrested, or plummeted by thugs. Thugs and gangsters, they were hired. You'd think these thugs went and beat up the police? Heck no! They beat up any civillians trying to take down the barrier set up by that company, so that the citizens will use the toll instead. Such bastards. But the Mentri Besar, regardless of what he had tried to do, being the largest shareholder of the company, they had a big argument, the CEO of that company stomped out. That is a good sign, but then, they came back with thugs. I think most of the victims are now healed, but they will carry the trauma with them.

Is it really worth that much of money? To sacrifice your good bonds with the people, to make the whole nation know about your crony deeds? To be able to privatise roads, but unable to have ties with the people because it was all for the sake of "profits" and "business"?

This better have an end soon. I'm sure everyone is sick of unnecessary bloodshed.


3) Free water?

Will we or will we not get free water from now onwards? It remains as a question left unanswered. Although our Mentri Besar had announced that each household will enjoy the first 20 cubic metres of free water, many had objected to the decision, as they will not only encourage water wastage, but it also meant the Selangor government will have to subsidise water.

Personally I'm against it, not because of environmental reasons, but monetarily, we are not capable to provide subsidy to the residents that had the population of close to 7.2 million people. What more when the previous administration had wasted almost all the allocation for Selangor meant to be spend within the year, in 3 months? Before the Election was announced. Sounds to me like a conspiracy.

What I propose to the state government is that other than spending your time trying to dig out past crimes commited by the previous administration (which I bet had records dating back to 10 years ago. You want to make them admit to each and everyone of the crimes they commit? That's a waste of time and money), what you need to do is to try and stop building unnecessary roads (unless it was the Federal Government's idea. Typical) and instead garner enough money. I don't know what you could do with it, but free water is definitely not the way.

And by the way, unlike rumours that free water encourages wastage, I beg to differ. How much water can we waste anyway? How many of us would let kids simply just spray water anywhere? Just because it's free it doesn't mean it will encourage wastage. However, I suggest the government had accumulate enough money then you decide what to do.


The Selangor government may not seemed perfect even after the General Election, but granted, it was also very effective to make drastic actions. However, they should try to get to the bottom of some issues, instead of leaving it dangling it like that. Because, just because the citizens do not talk about it often that doesn't mean they've forgotten about it. We still need to know what is going on in the end.

But anyways, Happy 100 days. Hopefully more satisfying results will come up.

I wish...

I read this, before I go to sleep.

The moment I finished, I felt disgusted, frustrated, sad. I couldn't shake off that feeling. And I went to sleep with it. It was nauseous. And I couldn't stand it anymore. I cried. I don't know why I would cry over something so petty.

So I tried to sms Ephyon. And indeed within seconds, he called back. He comforted me for a few minutes, before I started telling him what I felt. Then, he just kept lecturing me, stating how bad it was for me to think like that. He just kept yelling, saying that I'm so silly think of such a thing that could make me cry. He went on going that I can go and visit it later on when I'm independent, when I'm out of the house, when I have the earning power. I kept telling him I don't want to. I'm too embarassed. I'm too old. He told me no one is too old to go and play at Disneyland. I begged to differ. Then, since he couldn't talk me through, he gave up.

Of course I couldn't believe him. I count him as one of those lucky ones. He could go. He already went. What kind of position is he in to lecture me? That was my feelings when I drifted off to sleep.

It's not easy staying in an area of upper middle class, attending an elite (not to mention rich) primary school, and coming back to school dreading to hear about my friends bragging about their trips. But Ephyon, to me, cannot understand.

He was not there, when I was 9, and the teacher I hate the most asked everyone in the class who had been to overseas, and I was the only one not raising my hand. People laughed at me. That bitch teacher poked fun at me. My family income back then fare much better than now. But even a daughter of a vegetable seller, could afford to go to Singapore, and not me. Why?

He was not there, when I was 11, crying alone inside my room, when I finally became one of the top 5 in class, yet my father, said he'll POSTPONE, the Disneyland trip, even though he said he'll fulfil it immediately and said will bring me there during the long school break if I get into the Top 5 of my class. Well, he's already dead. Why me?

He was not there, when I sit alone, watching all the Disney cartoons, slowly, gradually, stop wishing.

No matter what Ephyon or others tell me, that said how bad others' condition are, who have never even sat on a plane, who don't have a passport till now. I can never shake off that feeling of resentment.

Please, just SHUT UP AND LISTEN FIRST BEFORE YOU PENALISED ME AS A SPOILT BRAT OR THOSE WHO COULDN'T APPRECIATE WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE DONE FOR ME! ESPECIALLY YOU, EPHYON! BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!

If you are SO GOOD at telling me the LAW of the universe, ask my mother why she and my dad do not decide to give me a passport till I turn 18. Oh yes, I could understand. At 1993 when my dad could afford to drive a Toyota, but couldn't afford to let his beloved daughter go overseas? NO! HE, and HIS WIFE, left his CHILDREN AT HOME WITH THE MAID AND GRANDPARENTS, EATING JOJO AND TORA (those chocolate biscuits that have toys inside), WATCHING DISNEY CARTOONS, WHILE HE GO AND ENJOY HIS COMPANY DINNER SHIT!

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY!

And the worst part of all, even if there was no passport, there was not many travels inside Malaysia either. That was how lazy, or stingy, they were. (Note: These feelings were what I've felt in the past. Everytime anger comes, everytime it start triggering my memories, my feelings will all pour out, so, don't judge me. Don't even try to tell me how wrong I am. These are all my personal feelings)

So great, I just keep waiting and waiting. Even believing my mom's words about "You will get free trips if you go and work. Cause I do that. I don't get to travel when I was young" (FUCK! I was too naive, she could afford it, she's just too stingy, and that was what I thought at the age of 15 because she could send my grandmother for a trip to China). Crying, countless times, over the fact that I don't travel overseas, while listening to my friends talk about those "group" trips? Sigh.

And when I finally turned 18, I was not the only one who get the "upgrade", as in gaining access to go to overseas. My sister and brother don't even have to wait till they're 18. They gained INSTANT ACCESS, the moment I, repeat, I, turned 18!

I don't feel fair! I know I'm the fucking eldest but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO ME! WHY AM I THE ONE, ANTICIPATING TO TRAVEL SO MUCH, WAITING TILL I GAIN MY RIGHTS, AND THEY GET THE INSTANT BOOST RIGHT AWAY?

HUH???? TELL ME MR. ONLY CHILD! TELL ME!

AND YOU WERE THERE LECTURING HOW I THINK I SHOULDN'T BE SORRY OF MYSELF. I DAMN BLOODY HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS TO DO SO!

Because, I hate Disneyland. And I know, that EVEN if I do get the chance to go in the later years, when I have my independence, I would be BUDGETING, PLANNING, to buy my own house, my own car, my own fucking in-house entertainment system, MINE! That's MY reality! I don't NEED YOU to remind me that I could go. At like what? 50? 60? Just walking around the theme park like some asshole cannot able to enjoy the thrilling roller coaster rides? That only could go for rides that sings "It's a small world"??

My Point is, I don't want to go to Disneyland, even if it was a childhood dream. I've grown up. At 20, I will not feel the thrill anymore. I no longer feel like a kid. Even if you shove me to the front of Disneyland, I'll turn back. I don't want to go in. And YOU, can't MAKE ME!

And STOP LECTURING ME about how I should behave, or how I should sympatised with the other people out there who couldn't even go overseas even until now. If you could find someone with the desire to travel so much that he or she could cry, yet do not have the access, and had been SUFFERING, then I believe you. If not, I won't.

So to all the rich bastards, and spoilt brats out there, or lucky ones who had the chance to visit the Disneylands, everywhere, just appreciate it. I know you love the trip. It was everybody's childhood dream, right?

Although, if 10 or 15 years from now, if a boy or a girl that resembled me and said "Please, mommy, can I go to Disneyland?"

Without hesitation, I'll nod. But not for me. For him, or for her.