I think I've gotten too used to being loud and brash when I'm protected by the Internet, it eventually eats up my character and I just had to be loud and brash in person. Here's how the story goes. One day I was waiting for the bus with my S.J buddy and my boyfriend, Ephyon. (I'm going to call him by his DotA name Ephyon from now on. Guardian angel seems to be very misleading. Plus, he likes DotA. I like watching him play DotA.) I had an interesting class before this and I just couldn't help but telling it out loud. We were waiting at broad daylight for the bus and I just raised my voice so that they can hear what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, unknown to me, I seemed to be drawing unwanted attention, mainly because my topic was "the Prime Minister is always Muslim. But they didn't emphasized on that right? I mean, we checked on the Internet....bla bla bla....". My buddy managed to hush me up after that, because there is a great amount of a certain ethnic group waiting for the bus too.
Unfortunately, as Ephyon tells me today, I really did drew scoffs of attention for what I said. And apparently, it had happen a few times, before and after we are together, whether it is related to politics or not. I seem to be talking about the wrong thing at the wrong time. I know I do offend alot of people, so much, that I think this is why I never had a good friendship circle until now. Honestly, if I didn't have friends who reminded me of that during secondary school days, I wouldn't know that what I said had been offending, loud and rude. That is why I had been limiting myself, or should I say, refraining myself from offending too many people that eventually the "One man is an island" saying becomes true.
I had been doing this for the past one year now, still I can't help being brash at times. Scoffing people off for facts that they could or couldn't accept. I even practised that on my earlier blog posts, trying to stop myself from revealing any information on what I felt if I was feeling stupidly down. Much to my "delight", I do get comments.
"hey yo,
go kill yourself you fucking emo bitch"
That was the very first thing I saw. I admit I was probably a little blurred or scarred by the attack. I resented to attacking that commentor, hoping that he'll leave. In the end, it lead into a nonsensical fight that my friends have been trying to help me in. I was being a dimwit too, falling for internet taunts like that. Then again, my abstract ego demands payback. I deleted all the comments made at that post to avoid anymore controversy. And now, I still do get lewd comments from some commentors, but eventually I learn not to care. The comments were there for them to express themselves. If I really hated comments, I would have disabled the comments settings. But I still like feedback from readers if possible.
Anyways, back to what I'm trying to emphasize. I do improve alot of being mindful of my speech. But I still couldn't help but express what I really think. I'm really impressed with my friends who refrain themselves from offending others by bashing the performance of others. I still ACCIDENTALLY do that sometimes. (meaning, I wasn't aware. I just ask one really straightforward question) Luckily I hit the right spot, and I was known as the girl who asks straightforward questions. Ouch(or is it Yay?).
My legacy has not ended. Till now, I see many others who are almost as loud and brash as me, but this only happens within campus. I think they were sensible enough not to mention anything outside in public. My intuition really sucks. If there is no public display of affection, and if someone tells me dat XXX and YYY were going out, I'll just give you the shocking look and you'll return to me saying "Don't tell me you don't notice ah? So obvious"
So if no one tells me that my "speech" is drawing really negative attention, I'll just continue talking and talking as if I'm in LaLa-land. Ignorant of the icy stares around me, ready to pounce at me when I fully let my guard down. I think I've challenged my freedom of speech far too many times, that I didn't realised that. I'm still surprised that I'm still free, instead of being locked up in jail by the Internal Security Act for my one sentence or one remark.
Then again, I didn't realise people actually care about my consequences and what will happen to me.
Ephyon:"I just want to protect you as much as I can. I don't want to see you end up in the hospital bed....."
He related a case that happened to his friend, who, said one sentence too many, and ended up being beaten up for that. Luckily it was just bruises, but what if they couldn't stop beating? And the ending of your glamourous life is being left by the roadside waiting to die. I never really knew about what kind of value people see in my life. Death. If I go, I go alone. That was how I view about my life. If I left the world, that's it. I trust my family and friends to be sensical enough not to grieve too much about my death.
Today, my principle and view about life was proven wrong.
I may hear alot of declaration of love from Ephyon, but today, he tells me something I've never heard before, that he didn't want to lose me all because of what I said.
And for that, I guess I should be more aware of my surroundings. Because I want to stay alive.
I'll still be loud and brash anyway, just be more aware of who may listen to my speech.
Are you listening?
Limited or Endless Contribution?
Posted by
cDi
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If anyone can remember how many times have you actually donated your money for charity, sympathy, friendship and love in a year, congratulations, I can daresay you could be 100,000 ringgit richer if you have kept the money. And those who are more able than the rest, you could have easily donated out 1 million.
I could be exaggerating, but I think everyone didn't realise the value of their donation. It may seem small, but if you have continuous donations to various organisations, those little values are stacked up easily and we could have spent some nearly 5 to 6 digits worth of money. That's a lot! Imagine what we can do with the money. I could get myself a really good laptop upgrade for my own sake. We could have enjoyed better food. We can even afford to go on a nice holiday.
And yet, we are contributing to charity knowingly and unknowingly at the same time. Do we contribute out of good intention or we just want to dispose those extras as fast as possible? As we placed that numerous 1 cent coins into the coin disposal box that accepts them for sake of charity, were we really thinking of the poverty or we just think that those coins were a burden? Probably it was the best of both worlds, because we could have just dump the coins into the rubbish dustbin. They won't really be worth anything. And not many are really interested in stacking up those 1 cent coins until it is worth something.
We have been contributing alright. Every ringgit or cents we donate, it could save someone's life. It could give the beggar down the street something more to eat. It could let the grandma who collects tin cans get a better pay today. It can afford to make a sick child and their family smile. Moreover, it makes our lives better. Or does it?
Sometimes we just donate out of pressure, you know, those "promoters" walking around selling items that half of them is going to charity. They aren't stalkers, but they can attack you individually, and you don't know what to do. We could say we are short of cash, but then they will implant some kind of "guilt genes" inside us and we'll feel bad for not doing what we "should be" doing: helping out others. Ah, I blame that on Moral Studies. We are just expected to be good aren't we?
Sometimes we just have to symphatise towards other's misfortune. Not all of them have our lives or our luck. They may leave the world earlier than ours, and they were not willing to die. But they aren't financially capable of surviving on Mother Earth. They sought for the help of newspapers, charity organisations, special services, just to keep their lives. And the very least we can do is do a little good so that somehow, they can have a live similar to ours.
Sometimes we "donated" without knowing. What is that should be free, was actually not. I actually encountered an incident whereby I was walking with my guardian angel at a shopping mall, and there was this kind lady who hands out a Buddhist Charm. As a Buddhist, I just accepted the charm, thinking that it was a free souvenir. Then as I turned back I found him missing. The lady was asking for RM20 for him as a "donation". Both of us were not exactly aware of this, so he just gave her the money. At that moment, I just threw the Buddhist charm into the rubbish dustbin. Not angry with my angel, but that woman. I feel insulted as a Buddhist because we were taught to just accept and not ask, we just accept what was in our plate. Yet that woman had the cheek to ask for money from him, without telling ME that it was supposed to be a product of donation. I should have just throw the charm to her and tell her to screw her business. Sheesh.
Then there were speculations that the victims of circumstances didn't exactly get the amount of money that was published in newspapers. Reason, those charity organisations sought after "hiring fees" after their "good deed" was done. Wow, so if we were contributing RM 1, at least 30 cents go to the organisation. Imagine if that amount of money is multiplied by millions. It's no wonder charity organisation do not need any business. They ARE getting business literally through the donations of us, the ever kind-hearted citizens.
Sigh, it is so hard to be good these days, finding people with the really true intention of doing good for the good of others. Others are raking in money. They need money. We need money. We willingly give our money to the others. They get the profit. They use our money that we literally donated. I am really in a dilemma here. Donating means giving us a sense of joy but yet we don't know how much were we exploited. Not donating means we managed to save our wallets from being burned up quickly, but if there's more people that think like us, wouldn't those who needed help that suffer?
What would you choose? Limited or Endless Contribution?
I could be exaggerating, but I think everyone didn't realise the value of their donation. It may seem small, but if you have continuous donations to various organisations, those little values are stacked up easily and we could have spent some nearly 5 to 6 digits worth of money. That's a lot! Imagine what we can do with the money. I could get myself a really good laptop upgrade for my own sake. We could have enjoyed better food. We can even afford to go on a nice holiday.
And yet, we are contributing to charity knowingly and unknowingly at the same time. Do we contribute out of good intention or we just want to dispose those extras as fast as possible? As we placed that numerous 1 cent coins into the coin disposal box that accepts them for sake of charity, were we really thinking of the poverty or we just think that those coins were a burden? Probably it was the best of both worlds, because we could have just dump the coins into the rubbish dustbin. They won't really be worth anything. And not many are really interested in stacking up those 1 cent coins until it is worth something.
We have been contributing alright. Every ringgit or cents we donate, it could save someone's life. It could give the beggar down the street something more to eat. It could let the grandma who collects tin cans get a better pay today. It can afford to make a sick child and their family smile. Moreover, it makes our lives better. Or does it?
Sometimes we just donate out of pressure, you know, those "promoters" walking around selling items that half of them is going to charity. They aren't stalkers, but they can attack you individually, and you don't know what to do. We could say we are short of cash, but then they will implant some kind of "guilt genes" inside us and we'll feel bad for not doing what we "should be" doing: helping out others. Ah, I blame that on Moral Studies. We are just expected to be good aren't we?
Sometimes we just have to symphatise towards other's misfortune. Not all of them have our lives or our luck. They may leave the world earlier than ours, and they were not willing to die. But they aren't financially capable of surviving on Mother Earth. They sought for the help of newspapers, charity organisations, special services, just to keep their lives. And the very least we can do is do a little good so that somehow, they can have a live similar to ours.
Sometimes we "donated" without knowing. What is that should be free, was actually not. I actually encountered an incident whereby I was walking with my guardian angel at a shopping mall, and there was this kind lady who hands out a Buddhist Charm. As a Buddhist, I just accepted the charm, thinking that it was a free souvenir. Then as I turned back I found him missing. The lady was asking for RM20 for him as a "donation". Both of us were not exactly aware of this, so he just gave her the money. At that moment, I just threw the Buddhist charm into the rubbish dustbin. Not angry with my angel, but that woman. I feel insulted as a Buddhist because we were taught to just accept and not ask, we just accept what was in our plate. Yet that woman had the cheek to ask for money from him, without telling ME that it was supposed to be a product of donation. I should have just throw the charm to her and tell her to screw her business. Sheesh.
Then there were speculations that the victims of circumstances didn't exactly get the amount of money that was published in newspapers. Reason, those charity organisations sought after "hiring fees" after their "good deed" was done. Wow, so if we were contributing RM 1, at least 30 cents go to the organisation. Imagine if that amount of money is multiplied by millions. It's no wonder charity organisation do not need any business. They ARE getting business literally through the donations of us, the ever kind-hearted citizens.
Sigh, it is so hard to be good these days, finding people with the really true intention of doing good for the good of others. Others are raking in money. They need money. We need money. We willingly give our money to the others. They get the profit. They use our money that we literally donated. I am really in a dilemma here. Donating means giving us a sense of joy but yet we don't know how much were we exploited. Not donating means we managed to save our wallets from being burned up quickly, but if there's more people that think like us, wouldn't those who needed help that suffer?
What would you choose? Limited or Endless Contribution?
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