The Vodka Regrets

So I screwed up.

So I want to explain what I was doing. But I can't be hear out. It's equally fatal apparently whether or not you have the malicious intent to ruin kinships.

People forget that you can't present the same truth equally to different people. You can, but let them judge you differently, or you don't, and let them see you differently. Some people don't need the whole truth because they're not related to it, yet you want to tell because you feel the need to rant, but some people deserve to hear the whole truth.

I made the mistake of even voicing out in the very first place, thus ruining whatever existential relationship I have had with the ex. From now on, it's a total clean cut from him and the close friends he had made. I haven't had the time to sift through the pros and cons of this, but it seems that if possible, my life has nothing to do with him and so is his life for mine. No more ex gossips, no more in between circle gossips, no more "so have you heard from our mutual friend the whale and the beaver?".

I'm still wondering what my other friend who was also in the mutual circle will do if she knew I took the stupid step. Will she side with them for justice, even though she wasn't familiar with what's going on nor is she that friendly with them but she'll do it anyway? Or will she keep it neutral, and know it is an eye for an eye, and certainly the friendship we made doesn't equal the punishment that I should have since it is none of her business? I ponder and wonder.

I will not provide a thousand apologies when I'm not even allowed to provide my explanation. My motto has always been, if I have to be wronged, go ahead and wrong me as much as you want. Cut me out of your life if you will. I may be in a state of sadness and desperation for losing a friend now but it didn't mean I will be stuck in this limbo forever. Will I be accused as a fraud or a bitch in the future? Sure, probably. But the same stands for them because they misunderstood my actions and does not give me the proper chance to make my stand or understand me.

So many others, have made even dire mistakes than I ever do and I can still find the heart to forgive them even though it took a really long time sometimes, but I hear them out before I even made that decision. It takes two to tango in this case. If they couldn't find any capacity in their heart then I have nothing to say. I did nothing so wrong that it'll scar my life forever. It's a regret for sure. But I've mentioned a few hundred times before that I wasn't sure if I'm supposed to be angry at the incident and I wanted advice and I wanted to know what was going on. Yet I was prosecuted for being an accuser because I could not present the whole truth unless it's spoken in private.

What can I do anyways? Just get sad for a few weeks and then move on after that. I'm desperate to leave this shithole anyway, what's with a few more cuts to make it an even better decision to get out of here? As for my friend who's closer to me while maintaining as the mutual friend to the rest? Well, it's up to her to decide. Frankly I think it's stupid to take such extreme measures and make her take sides when it really comes to the ultimate showdown. But if she has to do that, then I relinquish this idiotically "precious" position of "friend" if it lessens her headache.

I can't help but wonder if this is a form of revenge that seems to run on karmic proportions. On one hand, I had this bitch straining my previous relationship (no, she was not the deciding factor for me to leave it). On the other, I made a careless, reckless mistake onto someone else, only to be judged, prosecuted, persecuted, sent to expulsion before I had the chance to explain myself, saying that this is a good excuse to finally finally gotten the clean cut.

I'll be lying right now if I say I don't care what my image will be like. Of course I do, and plenty of hands will be there to twist it and make it worst if it ever can. Besides that, I regretted pouring my heart out again, that's why this time it hurts particularly bad. Otherwise, it should have been daisies even if it's not a bed of roses. I should have kept some things in the secret closet and I acted foolishly by blurting it out. Maybe some thing should not have been shared. But I can't do anything now, it's been like this, there's no time machine to reverse that decision.

But the biggest regret, is that I have to wonder why I get the same punishment like anyone else who made bigger mistakes than I have. And I have to sit back and reflect like a kid who have to stay on top of the table for getting caught once while the serial offenders who are experts just stayed quiet while they absorbed all the embarassment I let out.

Whatever happens, the month of May is gone. Perhaps the month of May is the month where I make dire mistakes and loose a few more preciousness in life. Otherwise I'll never steel up and get going. Never. I've also made the mistake thinking that I could've stayed friends with mutual friends of my ex no matter how close they are with the ex as long as they hear me out, but it came to a point where they will not and insist I was wrong. I also appreciate the fact that they have defended me in various situations but I think now they can openly label and call me a bitch, slut, whatever context in front of him for my wrongdoing even if my intentions were never sexual. Sigh.

What will the month of June be like? I don't know. I hate making predictions now that my life has been thrown into disarray yet again. Will it be the month that I can be forgiven? Will it be the month of discovering a new career path? Will it be the month where I move out? So many questions but nothing I can do to ease the pain of the continuous questions in my head.

Lastly, this will be a very long shot because this blog is nearly hidden in piles now and I doubt it'll be read by them, ever. But I'm very sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did because I'm standing my ground to say: That was NEVER meant to destroy your relationship or cast doubts in our friendship and I was under the influence of alcohol. But I'm sorry for all the hurt that you must have gone through, or listening to all the "accusations" I've been telling people apparently (even though I specify that I'm NOT SURE myself), and possibly almost ruining other people's friendship with yours. I'm just glad to get out of there, thus stopping anymore related discussion from continuing, because I don't linger on and on like some other bitch we both know. Was it shame? Yes, possibly, shame's a very sneaky feeling that you can only reveal to a certain number of people while worrying that everything will be heard by the wrong people after that.

To myself, this will probably be a really good lesson never to allow me near anything with the name vodka. No more. I did the stupidest things under the influence of that wretched thing, twice. I'm sticking to gulping beers until I find another alcohol expert, politely reminding them to keep me away from vodka before I vomit, had bleedy throats, and blood-drained faces on them. I still get nightmares remembering my own face.

With this confession of regret, I can now poke fun at myself and slowly close up the wounds. It takes time to heal of course. Hopefully the next post, will be of something fun.

I'm Not Angry

I should be angry when things happen to me, but I'm not.

At times when I shouldn't be angry, I am.

This has been happening for the past month or so after my work-home balance is tipped off, well, not by much, since I was crazily working when I was with that company. Urgh.

One friend said nasty things during a Facebook chat which I got an apology from after telling him properly about what I felt, then he abandons me in Langkawi due to unresolved issues that I don't think I can help with. I was angry, but not angry enough to confront him nor demand an apology. Worst, I relay it to a friend about that incident, and she thinks it's pretty laughable how a girl who grew up in an urban environment could be so indecisive when it comes to asking for a friend's company even if he was in pain or whatever. And again, I felt this momentary surge of anger when I heard that statement that was quickly deflated, I suspect, with the beer I'm drinking and the nachos I'm eating.

I'm just not angry enough. And I know I'm very destructive when I'm angry. So, with many years of practise and patience, somehow I'll just let it slide, only to just mildly poke at them again to get a very mild apology in return.

Maybe she was right, if I was angry maybe I should've showed it to him and as a city girl, perhaps I should have declared or demand for company. The only problem is I don't think I know him enough to make such demands, and honestly, I already got it covered, just sad that this happened, and I don't even get to say goodbye to him properly.

That's not to say I have none of these emotions. I do. I bottle them up till it explodes, or when something that really mattered to me triggered and I blow up, crying or yelling at people. Lately though, these bottled emotions seemed to have a leakage, it'll leak slowly that I just don't do the explosive emotive expression anymore. What for? Who am I showing it to? And really, do we need another angry individual around when every idiot who wants to show theirs have already did their part in annoying the world already?

The bottomline is, just because I don't look angry or that I don't make a big action out there that will hurt or excite people it doesn't mean I'm someone without emotions. The easiest way is just mute and let things pass.

But perhaps it's time I do a little change. Maybe I should take charge about something. But what is it? I don't know yet.