Bloodshot

To be honest, I looked like a mess on my birthday.

I had a drink with my employer. He knew I was feeling pain from the breakup, and crazily offered one bottle of vodka. I tell you, vodka should always be drank cold, but we were in a hotel with the basic necessities, and ice is not one of them. In case this sounds weirder further, my boss brought his teenage son along so there was no hanky panky involved.

I kept drinking that thinner-like vodka, thought to drown out what I've been feeling. We have a long chat about life, philosophies, experiences (more like his than mine), of course, he took the opportunity to teach me the lecherous men, men who pry on vulnerable women, women like me who just broke up, emotional, had no where to go.

"Never ever go to that stage," he said, as he let out another puff of smoke. I was falling into his "trap", first by being hesitant, then, under the influence of alcohol, slowly sitting on the bed, and finally just lying and hugging any pillow I find. What he said next, scared me to no end. All this while I've never thought men are capable of doing such things to me, mainly because, I'm not that attractive at all! But what he said jolted me awake, I was no longer drunk crazy. He woke me up. I was really hesitant to think of men like that, possibly because I was under the care of a very great guy for so long, I've forgotten men's real nature.

I'm not sure if that was meant to be philosophical, but oh, it did make me become more defensive towards men. What more when it's double confirmed by a friend I know who's goes socialising around, and confirms of such a species that prys on lonely, vulnerable women drinking. Of course I felt afraid, I don't believe what I've just heard, but of course, my bad, I've almost forgotten the evils certain men can do to a woman, therefore, that was a good wake up call.

Then, my stomach started to feel uncomfortable, at first, I thought I could hold it in, and continued talking, but then the discomfort became too great. I excused myself, quickly went to my room, and puked. All the dinner contents just came out. I was definitely pissed drunk to actually be at that state. I couldn't care how I smelt, all I know is, this is too uncomfortable, I need to puke it out.

And then I took a good look at myself. My face was pale, and my eyes were bloodshot. It was as if my blood's drained from my face and into my eyes. For the first time, I knew that I looked like a mess. I knew it wasn't worth it to reduce myself to that state because I've lost someone dear to me. If we do have fate, perhaps we can be together again. But until then, my life's my handling. Good vodka, pity I vomitted it out.

It ended with a "Happy Birthday" from the boss, plus a hug. I felt nice for a moment, and then remembered what he said, and pulled back lol. I ain't risking anything.

I puked twice after that, and ended up with a bleeding throat, as in, my phlegm came out bloody if I ever want to spit. Vodka really does nasty things to my inner organs. What a way to celebrate my 22nd Birthday. Good, crazy start.

The life of whether I choose to get laid or not hahaha. The life of possible meet-ups, possible mutual attractions, possible crazy sex, possible meeting another long term love, but mostly just career focused. Plus, the men I meet are all too old for me. Pfft, I've got my standards! I want young, good looking, ambitious fellas. Not old ones. I admit that they have their charms but a life with them is not in my list. My partner has to made me feel crazy about him even after a few decades together.

So yea, what a crazy birthday. I don't mind going through that again. Except, I'll chill the vodka the next time. Warm vodka is very lethal.

It's Official

I've broken up with Marc.

I've lost my confidante, my best friend, the first one to give me cuddles whenever I need one, the only one who stood by me for almost 4 years.

I've lost him.

I will now put my focus in my career, my life path.

Not interested in guys anytime soon.

I wouldn't have want it any other way

It does eat into me.

The separation was over and done with, I initiated it because I know I no longer harbour any new feelings of love, just plain complacency and comfort due to a very long relationship.

And now I've spent my days doing almost everything but achieving nothing in terms of social life. It's a painful process that I have to digest even if it means going through it alone.

I wished I knew how to stop the feeling when it started spreading in July, when I suddenly started becoming unsatisfied and whatever I do with him, it's just another process, just to make sure I feel secured and safe. But I know it is slowly not going to be.

Yet, it's hard to dispel or even throw him out. He was after all my confidante for almost four years. To see this bond dying inside it makes me really angry at myself.

Ever since Chiang Mai, everything changed. Everything I see about life changed. I got control over what I do and for the first time, I'm proud that I could do it.


It's selfish of me because I was that same person who surrendered her liberty in exchange for commitment to one of the best person I've ever had. We had so much in plan together, so much to look forward to, so much things we share in common and yet, here I am, telling him that we should start over, that we can't go on. My goals changed over the years and his changed too.

We're now doing what we want but how we got there costs us this precious relationship. In a way, I can't live like this with him anymore and therefore I opted out.

Obviously my love was lost ever since July and I can never bring it back again. But I wouldn't have want it any other way. If time reversed back to the day I've decided to be with him at 18 years old, I would, I really would have do it, and I would've also tried to figure out why I do this by July.

But it's all too late, too late to tell and figure out the dents and the cracks. I no longer want to fix it. I just want to let it go.

But it's hard. It's so hard.

The Mild Challenge, Plus the "Of Course....But" mentality

I haven't curse for a damn damn damn long time. Fucking sucks. Whew, finally let that out of my chest.

I admit to one thing, which is, working life has made me so much milder. I don't know who I can insult and who I can't, I don't know what to expect, and all I have been listening to are old people tell me what can I do bla bla bla....Sometimes it's sickening, but you have to put up that really subtle smile to show that you're listening.

To be honest I'm intrigued to take up the challenge my boss just issued to me. But wow, it is tough. Engaging corporates? Eeek. It's intimidating. Plus, I hate those buggers.

This is my "Of course...But" mentality playing inside my head. It is intimidating to be, at this young and raw stage, to engage such high profile people. But yet, if you want people to take you seriously, is this what I have to do?

Not to mention I haven't settle the many things occuring in my life, my family, my dread of staying in this place....I need to move out and yet I have no idea, no direction. Oh, and my love life is at a standstill as well. I'm no longer putting it as a priority. But even then, I don't know how to put career as priority. I'm still learning to adjust to that phase.

Strangest thing is that I've approached this company because I want to pursue another goal, but it became impossible to maintain both. I guess I did become jaded after awhile, especially since it's really hard to maintain both work. One pursues some national issue, the other focuses on everything on a grassroot level. I'm

And again, personal space and freedom becomes an issue. And it's a big issue for me. People have been telling me, "oh you must do this, do this, you don't have the money for it," then fuck you, you want to help me or just keep me downtrodden for the rest of my life? Nothing positive's coming out of their mouths, god damn it.

Not to mention that I don't have a business-mind in my head. I want to hone a position where I live comfortably and enjoy life. I have a phobia about advertisers and writing for them. I hate that concept, oh super-hate that concept. Approaching some business corporate, pitching to them on how they can advertise into the papers. Granted, I know where the boss' intentions go to, yet I fear, loathe and hate all these, these corporate bullshit.

I'm sure everyone else does not hate it, because that is what kept the papers alive, but sigh...I don't know why I hate/fear/loathe it aplenty. Must be the Vincent Tan effect.

Does this mean I have to pay attention to business news as well? Being able to tell the different advances in some corporate shit? Can't my life just be purely happy, and philosophical at best?

Or is this my inner naivete talking to me? Telling me I'm not ready.

Sometimes I wished I was an artist, leave the image consulting to some other bloke. You just focus on what you do now, leave me there, bursting headful of creavities on paper or canvas, or even into a song.

This is all so new to me. I don't like the direction I'm going.