Dear Buddha,
Sim Ee is lost now, wandering in my cloud of thoughts. She don't know where to go, I didn't have the map to guide her out. I'm clueless myself, what have I done to her. I locked her inside me. She struggled to get out, but at the moment I see her beloved, I couldn't stop myself.
Sim Ee tried to tell me to stop acting cute, because she hated cutesiness. She didn't really like to do that often. But her beloved never complain, so I never stop. She was shocked with my attitude. She was flabbergasted, but she was locked, so she couldn't do anything. She lost her spirit.
Sim Ee didn't like to to complain. She was actually okay with any consequences, she was brought up to not complain, and be able to accept everything around her and just get used to new situation. Yet her beloved was silent when I complained, and I just continue to do so. She yelled at my stupidity to not think before I said anything to hurt him. I know myself, but it was always too late, that I left another scar in his heart. She was heartbroken. She lost her mind.
Sim Ee loves being with different people. She likes to be surrounded by friends and family, and different new people indeed. She loves the freshness about it, knowing more people is more like her. She has no qualms about it. Yet her beloved loves to have me by his side, so I always stick to him. She looked at the fresh faces just passing by her, another opportunity of knowing a new friend is lost. She glared at me with her tear-stained face, and with red eyes, telling me how can I do this to her. I didn't listen, just continuing whatever I'm doing with him. She's completely given up. She lost her soul.
My lord, I've just conquered her, then her beloved realised he loves her more than me. He shattered me into a million pieces, so hard that it's hard to pick up. I am not whole now. He revived Sim Ee back when she was almost close to being destroyed. I tried picking up my pieces but to no avail. People other than him wants Sim Ee back. I was shocked. I thought people loved me. But they do not. They love Sim Ee more.
My lord, I cannot complain. I've been conquering her for the past 2 months. It's more than enough for me to enjoy the world, when I wasn't really enjoying when I'm tormenting her mind and soul. I feel guilty myself, in order to be alive, I need her dead; She's okay with death, but it's not the way with her beloved and her friends. She made a bizzare promise about staying true to herself as she goes on with her relationship. It didn't happen, I tormented her into a half beast within 2 months.
My lord, PLEASE! Help her! She needs to be back! She wants to be back! Her Beloved wants her back! Her friends want her back! Her family wants her back!! And I WANT HER BACK!! BUDDHA!!! LISTEN TO THE CALL OF THE LOST SOUL!!! BRING HER BACK!!!!!!!!
From,
Pieces of new personality
Death is evident
Posted by
cDi
comments (1)
It has been 3 weeks since knowing that one of my secondary schoolmate died. It took me quite some time to discuss it in public. "It" refers to death, the last stage of our life cycle. When I was younger, death seems so abstract, so hard to believe. I thought death only appeared in movies or television. I had not experienced death for the first thirteen years of my life, never even been to a proper funeral and witness its proceedings. Never know how the dead people look. I had a quite perfect family whereby the fact that all my family members remained well and healthy. All that so-called perfect image turned into disaster, when I was greeted with death on a Sunday morning.
I saw my father, lying motionless, not moving a bit. Thinking that he just passed out, I tried out my First Aid skills. I was only thirteen then, so it wasn't a perfect start. Attempts of trying to bring him back to life only turned out to be failure, because my mom only woke me up, half an hour after he lay unconcious. There is no way that I could bring him back alive. At that moment, I blamed my mother, had she had the same knowledge as I did, she would have had the sense to wake me up straightaway. But it is all too late. My father has left the world.
I felt as if my whole world crumbled seeing his lifeless body, and knowing that what I did could not bring him to life. The energy was wasted, what more when I broke down. I was living in a trauma, so badly, that I couldn't go upstairs to have a good look at his body, only dare to do so after he was placed in a casket. I witnessed the whole family collapse. Everyone bringing their tear-stained face to see my father. Suddenly, I don't see a perfect family anymore. My paternal relatives were an embarassing lot, all not knowing how to face death or even able to talk out of it. They made the whole situation worse, as if trying to make the pain even more evident. When my paternal grandmother puts unknown accusations on our family, it spelled the end of our harmonious ties. I resent them now for their selfishness and childish acts.
Since then, I couldn't look at death the same way again. I view it as a cruel and heartless way of separation. Death occurs just anywhere. Unavoidable at times. If it really happens, strangers react first, if the dead is a victim of crime. I wonder why do the strangers screamed at the sight of the body. Is it because of fear? What do they fear in the dead? And the loved ones. They cry at the sight of death. Why do they cry? Is it because of death, or how they died?
"Just let it all out, you'll feel better that way"
That was what my friend said when they were around when I got to know of the news of my schoolmate's passing. Will crying really reflect what I felt inside? Will it actually release the grief inside? I couldn't really cry much because I had little memories with my schoolmate. A friend of 5 years, he rarely talks yet he tries to blend in the crowd. I only knew him because we were involved in the same society. Later on we became classmates. I know of his area of interests, in fact, I was one of the few who talked quite some with him. However, I was being a black sheep, and not many liked me. So in order to please the majority, I gave all my time trying to please them, ignoring him who had been sitting by my side. The last time that I actually talked to him was on friendster, that he invited me to join his college's Bon Odori festival, I politely declined his offer, with the assignments piling up at my side. Now, I wished I could have accepted it.
"Of course we have the right to complain, since we lost someone precious in our lives"
That was what my guardian angel said yesterday, albeit jokingly. None that I could think of to reply him back. I don't know if I want to put my father's death as a shield to gain sympathy anymore. For applying scholarships, for unknowingly being centre of the crowd, for being depressed, for crying. So many kinds of privileges, I always used my father's death as the reason. But later on the privilege turned into a burden. When I see my paternal relatives' ugly faces, everytime they asked us about our well-being, with intention to feel pity for us. I feel disgusted visiting them, sometimes disgusted with myself when I use my situation to actually make the whole atmosphere lost its temperature. Countless times my friendship was nearly severed. I always thought that people complain even though they have the best things in the world was stupid because I never really complain, but thinking of what my guardian angel said, do I really want to complain now?
I will face death sooner or later. I have had two deaths involving people who had an impact in my life. To my father, thank you for being a really awful fellow, who smokes, drinks, gambles, and spending my education fund down the drain, for I learn to hate you, not follow in your footsteps, and not to choose a man like you. To my schoolmate, thank you for being considerate, to send me Chinese New Year cards despite all the stupid rumours of you liking me, for letting me listen to you, and to tell me what you haven't been telling others, for I learn to appreciate good memories and friends now. I will miss the FRIM trip more often now.
"It's painful to let go I know, but at the very least you have accepted his death"
I hope you are right my angel.
I saw my father, lying motionless, not moving a bit. Thinking that he just passed out, I tried out my First Aid skills. I was only thirteen then, so it wasn't a perfect start. Attempts of trying to bring him back to life only turned out to be failure, because my mom only woke me up, half an hour after he lay unconcious. There is no way that I could bring him back alive. At that moment, I blamed my mother, had she had the same knowledge as I did, she would have had the sense to wake me up straightaway. But it is all too late. My father has left the world.
I felt as if my whole world crumbled seeing his lifeless body, and knowing that what I did could not bring him to life. The energy was wasted, what more when I broke down. I was living in a trauma, so badly, that I couldn't go upstairs to have a good look at his body, only dare to do so after he was placed in a casket. I witnessed the whole family collapse. Everyone bringing their tear-stained face to see my father. Suddenly, I don't see a perfect family anymore. My paternal relatives were an embarassing lot, all not knowing how to face death or even able to talk out of it. They made the whole situation worse, as if trying to make the pain even more evident. When my paternal grandmother puts unknown accusations on our family, it spelled the end of our harmonious ties. I resent them now for their selfishness and childish acts.
Since then, I couldn't look at death the same way again. I view it as a cruel and heartless way of separation. Death occurs just anywhere. Unavoidable at times. If it really happens, strangers react first, if the dead is a victim of crime. I wonder why do the strangers screamed at the sight of the body. Is it because of fear? What do they fear in the dead? And the loved ones. They cry at the sight of death. Why do they cry? Is it because of death, or how they died?
"Just let it all out, you'll feel better that way"
That was what my friend said when they were around when I got to know of the news of my schoolmate's passing. Will crying really reflect what I felt inside? Will it actually release the grief inside? I couldn't really cry much because I had little memories with my schoolmate. A friend of 5 years, he rarely talks yet he tries to blend in the crowd. I only knew him because we were involved in the same society. Later on we became classmates. I know of his area of interests, in fact, I was one of the few who talked quite some with him. However, I was being a black sheep, and not many liked me. So in order to please the majority, I gave all my time trying to please them, ignoring him who had been sitting by my side. The last time that I actually talked to him was on friendster, that he invited me to join his college's Bon Odori festival, I politely declined his offer, with the assignments piling up at my side. Now, I wished I could have accepted it.
"Of course we have the right to complain, since we lost someone precious in our lives"
That was what my guardian angel said yesterday, albeit jokingly. None that I could think of to reply him back. I don't know if I want to put my father's death as a shield to gain sympathy anymore. For applying scholarships, for unknowingly being centre of the crowd, for being depressed, for crying. So many kinds of privileges, I always used my father's death as the reason. But later on the privilege turned into a burden. When I see my paternal relatives' ugly faces, everytime they asked us about our well-being, with intention to feel pity for us. I feel disgusted visiting them, sometimes disgusted with myself when I use my situation to actually make the whole atmosphere lost its temperature. Countless times my friendship was nearly severed. I always thought that people complain even though they have the best things in the world was stupid because I never really complain, but thinking of what my guardian angel said, do I really want to complain now?
I will face death sooner or later. I have had two deaths involving people who had an impact in my life. To my father, thank you for being a really awful fellow, who smokes, drinks, gambles, and spending my education fund down the drain, for I learn to hate you, not follow in your footsteps, and not to choose a man like you. To my schoolmate, thank you for being considerate, to send me Chinese New Year cards despite all the stupid rumours of you liking me, for letting me listen to you, and to tell me what you haven't been telling others, for I learn to appreciate good memories and friends now. I will miss the FRIM trip more often now.
"It's painful to let go I know, but at the very least you have accepted his death"
I hope you are right my angel.
CC and GG madness
Posted by
cDi
comments (2)
Question: Which of these phrases are uttered by me in a CC?
A. "No! No! NO!!!!!! AH FUCK!!! RUN!! DON'T FIGHT!! RUN!!!!!"
B. "That bloody wanked up kid!!"
C. "I'm gonna fuck that bloody bitch which kick my ass with Ultima!"
D. "No....GG...."
E. "This is madness....."
Well, folks, if you choose the first four answers, you are most definitely not one of those who frequent CC, or you don't really understand my character. In other words, E is what I said as I step into the CC a few days ago. For those who are still not clear of what is a CC, its called a Cyber cafe. The ongoing trend where it is still a popular spot for kids who skipped school, those who do not have any internet facilities, or simply, those who just want to hang out with their friends and play together. The Cyber Cafe is always equipped with different softwares and loads of online games, they also have the latest updates on computer hardwares, programmes, so much, no wonder those who have home computers too prefer to go to the cyber cafe.
I'm not sure is it because of the amount of technology inside the cyber cafe, or is it the appeal is not big enough, but I do find that the cyber cafe is dominated by boys and men, not much girls, though I can see a growing number of them in cyber cafes. But even there is so-called discrimination about it when I see the door to the men's room is larger than the ladies's. Well it is also dominated by the males because of the games they offer there. Counter Strike, DotA, Ea Sports, how many girls actually play those? Even I as a gamer could not find any interest in playing those type of games. That is probably what attracts the males to find their solace, filled with dim lights, cool gadgets, probably some other cyber cafes they are allowed to smoke too.
And yet, there is something in common with men whenever they play games. From those sophisticated faces, those handsome smiles, those to-die-for accents, they all turn into foul-mouthed creatures the moment they entered into a virtual arena, where they compete in front of the monitor to see who is the winner. If they got attacked, one foul word mentioned, then they continue their battle. However, if they got hit several times till they reach the brink of death, they vowed for revenge, in a form of vulgar words. See how these games turned even the best men into vicious animals, marching forward like there's no tomorrow, yet they do not break a sweat, but still they wasted their finger energy to click and type for instructions and directions and still try to wreck their brains for any possible attack or defense they can find just to make sure they do not lose their base easily. Of course, the process is not easy, and its not easy for the ears too.
Yet it is somehow amazing for a girl to witness how the culture of CC is like. Men who just swore and do not care of their ugly faces, battling their wits out of something virtual, just to keep their avatar alive. Of course, strategy was used, they need online teamwork, then the battle is won. It is somewhat tempting for men to try out new maps and new characters whenever their game is updated. Yes, as I'm typing now, my other partner and his friend is clicking his way to victory, when they had other matters to do like having an exam or concentrating on studies. But can't really blame him because, in that game, emotions run high. Even I got caught in the atmosphere, but what I did more was ask questions. Yep, I'm an amateur when it comes to online gaming. I'm more of a console gamer than an online gamer.
Still, it is this kind of madness that seems tempting yet deadly when we get addicted to it. Truly, the cyber cafe phenomenon has evolved from just being a place for those loiterers to a common place that friends meet up and play their favourite games. It is not necessarily harmful that it could destroy your life, if you are able to control yourself. If not, it is almost as addictive as cigarettes, heroin and sex. Too much of it can kill. And truly, it does kill people. There are a few cases in China where people got killed because they stay too much in front of the computer, and it has happenned in cyber cafes. So becareful of hazardous computers.
Warnings aside, it is not really a sin to get involved and have a taste of CC madness once in awhile. But really, there is something I need to do if I ever wanted to go to another cyber cafe: Be a professional in some online game apart from O2Jam. Imagine the irony of going in there, as one of the minority, and sit there doing nothing but playing the same songs I play everyday at home, when the boys are having some kind of new fun playing DotA or CounterStrike. I felt like an idiot when I'm facing a super induced computer and I didn't know what to do with it. Probably inside my inner self I was half wishing I understand the game or whatsoever, and half wishing I actually had left the cyber cafe, because even before I can actually sit down and play, my mind shouts "GG!!!"
Oh, and what is GG? Anyone who knows, please leave comments, I know what it means but I'm a little lazy to explain. To those CC lovers, if you find this post annoying, not suitable to your taste or you just felt offended, also please leave comments. I have really little idea on Cyber cafes, but I'd like to hear what you guys out there think about cyber cafes. Thanks and good day.
A. "No! No! NO!!!!!! AH FUCK!!! RUN!! DON'T FIGHT!! RUN!!!!!"
B. "That bloody wanked up kid!!"
C. "I'm gonna fuck that bloody bitch which kick my ass with Ultima!"
D. "No....GG...."
E. "This is madness....."
Well, folks, if you choose the first four answers, you are most definitely not one of those who frequent CC, or you don't really understand my character. In other words, E is what I said as I step into the CC a few days ago. For those who are still not clear of what is a CC, its called a Cyber cafe. The ongoing trend where it is still a popular spot for kids who skipped school, those who do not have any internet facilities, or simply, those who just want to hang out with their friends and play together. The Cyber Cafe is always equipped with different softwares and loads of online games, they also have the latest updates on computer hardwares, programmes, so much, no wonder those who have home computers too prefer to go to the cyber cafe.
I'm not sure is it because of the amount of technology inside the cyber cafe, or is it the appeal is not big enough, but I do find that the cyber cafe is dominated by boys and men, not much girls, though I can see a growing number of them in cyber cafes. But even there is so-called discrimination about it when I see the door to the men's room is larger than the ladies's. Well it is also dominated by the males because of the games they offer there. Counter Strike, DotA, Ea Sports, how many girls actually play those? Even I as a gamer could not find any interest in playing those type of games. That is probably what attracts the males to find their solace, filled with dim lights, cool gadgets, probably some other cyber cafes they are allowed to smoke too.
And yet, there is something in common with men whenever they play games. From those sophisticated faces, those handsome smiles, those to-die-for accents, they all turn into foul-mouthed creatures the moment they entered into a virtual arena, where they compete in front of the monitor to see who is the winner. If they got attacked, one foul word mentioned, then they continue their battle. However, if they got hit several times till they reach the brink of death, they vowed for revenge, in a form of vulgar words. See how these games turned even the best men into vicious animals, marching forward like there's no tomorrow, yet they do not break a sweat, but still they wasted their finger energy to click and type for instructions and directions and still try to wreck their brains for any possible attack or defense they can find just to make sure they do not lose their base easily. Of course, the process is not easy, and its not easy for the ears too.
Yet it is somehow amazing for a girl to witness how the culture of CC is like. Men who just swore and do not care of their ugly faces, battling their wits out of something virtual, just to keep their avatar alive. Of course, strategy was used, they need online teamwork, then the battle is won. It is somewhat tempting for men to try out new maps and new characters whenever their game is updated. Yes, as I'm typing now, my other partner and his friend is clicking his way to victory, when they had other matters to do like having an exam or concentrating on studies. But can't really blame him because, in that game, emotions run high. Even I got caught in the atmosphere, but what I did more was ask questions. Yep, I'm an amateur when it comes to online gaming. I'm more of a console gamer than an online gamer.
Still, it is this kind of madness that seems tempting yet deadly when we get addicted to it. Truly, the cyber cafe phenomenon has evolved from just being a place for those loiterers to a common place that friends meet up and play their favourite games. It is not necessarily harmful that it could destroy your life, if you are able to control yourself. If not, it is almost as addictive as cigarettes, heroin and sex. Too much of it can kill. And truly, it does kill people. There are a few cases in China where people got killed because they stay too much in front of the computer, and it has happenned in cyber cafes. So becareful of hazardous computers.
Warnings aside, it is not really a sin to get involved and have a taste of CC madness once in awhile. But really, there is something I need to do if I ever wanted to go to another cyber cafe: Be a professional in some online game apart from O2Jam. Imagine the irony of going in there, as one of the minority, and sit there doing nothing but playing the same songs I play everyday at home, when the boys are having some kind of new fun playing DotA or CounterStrike. I felt like an idiot when I'm facing a super induced computer and I didn't know what to do with it. Probably inside my inner self I was half wishing I understand the game or whatsoever, and half wishing I actually had left the cyber cafe, because even before I can actually sit down and play, my mind shouts "GG!!!"
Oh, and what is GG? Anyone who knows, please leave comments, I know what it means but I'm a little lazy to explain. To those CC lovers, if you find this post annoying, not suitable to your taste or you just felt offended, also please leave comments. I have really little idea on Cyber cafes, but I'd like to hear what you guys out there think about cyber cafes. Thanks and good day.
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