Sigh, now what?

I keep checking Facebook, like an addict. And I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I yearn to speak to someone, anyone that isn't my family, about my current predicament.

I hate my current self so much right now. So timid, so withdrawn, so out of touch with everyone, unable to keep up as the time kept moving on so quickly. Several times I thought about how useless I am in society.

I used to be a thinking person, able to elaborate and share my analysis about the world, but my illness has prevented me from doing any real sort of thinking and I can't seem to keep up anymore. As more people on Facebook kept sharing amazing stories that they've discovered, I'm left stranded in my own empty mind, unable to comprehend just what everyone was fussing/ranting/gossiping about anymore.

This is more frustrating than finding a job (something that I also struggle to do), this is part of my identity and I'm upset that this comprehension and understanding of the political as well as socio-economical aspects of life are no longer within my grasp. It's sickening and sad, but I can't cry about it either, since medication seems to have taken away my ability to cry as well.

Sigh. I wish there was something I can do to stop feeling like this.

I'm afraid of looking for a new job. Here are some reasons why.

1) I don't want to let go of my previous prospect, which was getting a scholarship to an overseas country, a prospect that I was forced to abandon because shit happened.

2) I don't like being dishonest about my current situation and lying about my condition.

3) I don't know how to arrange for my appointments should i get a job, especially if the appointments are also done in weekdays.

4) I'm still feeling afraid of speaking to people or elaborating about my past glories. I don't know how to sell myself to be employable anymore, which is something I have no trouble with.

5) To make up for the restrictions I faced over the last six months, I'm indulging in my moments of freedom, which means there's less interest in seriously looking for a job.

Also, there's some anxiety issues I'm facing right now that convinces me, that I will be horrible at doing small talk with people, even though that's probably what humans do all the time. Until I can sort this issue away, I really don't know where or how to start job hunting.

Still, wish me luck in overcoming all those obstacles so that something comfortable and suitable can land on my feet.

Six-month gap

There's a six month gap in my thought process.

Six months of missing out on world events, being involved with friends, losing all my thoughts and opinions, realising that my words and thoughts mean nothing, since the public audience don't seem to miss me or any of my contributions.

Of course, there's always friends around to remind me that I mean the world to them and they've been very supportive until the very end. I know that, and everyone around me has been telling me that.

But I can't let go. I can't let go of the fact that I lost something that would have defined me really well in the future, I can't let go of the fact that the drastic event that left me catching up on life has happened. While everyone seemed to slowly recognise the changes that occured, it becomes drastic to me because I have not been informed of such changes.

I'm still feeling a lot of anger and resentment over what has happened, yet nobody can be wholly blamed for what happened. It was a mixture of a bad dream and a nightmare that I still cannot recover from, no matter how many times I reassure myself, as I was closed off from the world in that six months, that I will emerge okay.

It's only been a week since I finally got out, and although I'm glad to resume my life, I also know that it's never going to be the same again.

I really just want to go and get my life back again, resuming my dreams of studying abroad, not being stuck here nursing my health.