Approaching 2010

I wanted to post a set of lyrics I've created because I thought it was funny. Therefore I've made a quick search around this whole year, the things I've posted to see if I could tally with that.

And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.

It must have been a shitty year for me.

I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.

I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.

Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)

I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.

I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.

Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.

I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.

Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.

My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.

As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.

My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.

The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.

But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.

So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.

It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.

That said, it served me well.

And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.

Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.

My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.

My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.

My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.

My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.

My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.

Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.

And I will have a better 2010.

Filler Post

Lacking of motivation to write and busy with studies. Thesis, such a biatch. Exams, holiday mood, shopping impulses...><

But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.

Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.

Enjoy.












And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:



Enjoy.

2am

I've been sleeping at this time for almost seven weeks now.

And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).

I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.

I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.

Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.

But there's no such thing as enough achievements.

I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.

I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.

We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.

I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.

He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.

And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.

I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).

And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.

One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.

I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.

And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.

But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?

I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.

I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.

I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.

I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.

I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.

I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.

And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.

But who is my calculator?