Approaching 2010

I wanted to post a set of lyrics I've created because I thought it was funny. Therefore I've made a quick search around this whole year, the things I've posted to see if I could tally with that.

And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.

It must have been a shitty year for me.

I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.

I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.

Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)

I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.

I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.

Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.

I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.

Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.

My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.

As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.

My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.

The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.

But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.

So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.

It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.

That said, it served me well.

And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.

Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.

My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.

My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.

My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.

My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.

My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.

Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.

And I will have a better 2010.

Filler Post

Lacking of motivation to write and busy with studies. Thesis, such a biatch. Exams, holiday mood, shopping impulses...><

But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.

Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.

Enjoy.












And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:



Enjoy.

2am

I've been sleeping at this time for almost seven weeks now.

And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).

I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.

I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.

Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.

But there's no such thing as enough achievements.

I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.

I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.

We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.

I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.

He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.

And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.

I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).

And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.

One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.

I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.

And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.

But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?

I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.

I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.

I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.

I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.

I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.

I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.

And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.

But who is my calculator?

Twenty One? About Me

Hello. My name is CiNDi. This is my blog name.

I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.

Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.

Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.

Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.

I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.

My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.

I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.

I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.

My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.

I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.

I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.

Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.

My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.

My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.

What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.

Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.

I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.

I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.

I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.

I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.

I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.

But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!

Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.

It still matters after all

I've got a message from him.

He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.

I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.

Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.

I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.

Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.

I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.

I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:

1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.

2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.

3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.

4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.

I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.

I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.

I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.

I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.

I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.

Because, it still matters after all.

It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.

Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.

It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.

I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.

Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.

A little bit sick

Getting a little sick again.

Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.

Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.

Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.

Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.

Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?

Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....

Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?

I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.

~Please take my away from here~

~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~

-Fireflies, by Owl City-

P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?

I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?

是时候...

写些华文吧。

其实也不懂为什么，之前心事都可以用华文发泄，而且会觉得舒服。现在，好像失去了那基本的知识哦。

这个宁静的夜晚，既然没有哀伤，跟之前相差好大。之前，也有四年了，我都快毕业了，又要面对社会。想到这里，我只能说：凄惨！

不好意思，真的很久没有用华文发言，音腔怪怪的。

好想念一些歌，其实我蛮会很多首歌曲，不过随着时间变动，以及大学的影响，总是，每次听到熟悉的华文歌曲，我会想起中学。呵呵。

我华语真的蛮烂一下。少了那哀伤，那纯真的悲哀，中学的那些困扰，然后看东西总会很快地想通，所以英文已经流利的不得了。

I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But

我还是想用华文跟大家互动。怎样？第一次以华文来抒发情绪的感觉如何？会觉得我超恶心，要我停吗？

Rant

Disclaimer: Pardon my crude. I'm in the midst of blowing up.

A year ago, Streamyx decided to fuck up my whole internet system with a bunch of asshole technicians who seemed to be unable to converse in simple English terms and having the inability to understand when we demand to know which company they come from.

Apparently when you work with TM, TM gives their fucking contract to incompetent assholes who may or may not layan you depending on their fucked up mood.

So after lots of arguments with the HQ and that fucked up company with such a bastard arrogant snobbish boss, the Internet was fixed. But not without destroying my house phone line and causing us to call an outside wiring technician to fix that stupid line.

All was well. That was last November. I've blogged a couple of times while in the cyber cafe incapable of doing nothing.

Now, I'm in the cyber cafe again.

You guessed right. My internet was busted for the second fucking time in the duration of a year.

And this time those fucking idiot technicians don't even bother to show up, for two whole days. And the boss calling every other day to ask "No one called you yet?" to my mother.

You know, it'd be great to lose the internet connection now if I weren't studying like my brother who just finish his PMR. Or my sister who's exams are text-book based, not on fucking current issues.

What the fuck was I thinking? I'm staying with a family who don't understand how important it is for me to stay connected all the time. Because all they see was a girl distracted from her work because she watches Youtube (without caring what the hell am I watching), Facebooking, and Chatting all the time! (of course! I can't be chatting about work! I'm always into chatting frivolously aren't I???) EXACTLY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MASS COMMUNICATION WAS ABOUT STUDYING OUTDATED TEXTBOOKS LIKE A LEVELS OR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! THANK YOU!! As if my university had anything adequate. Ptui!

And good riddance to that fucked up Streamyx. With that "fucked up" look of theirs they are bound to lose more customers. Hello, you think we live in 2003? Where the only internet service provider is YOU?!?!?! You think we don't have other alternatives, like say...the CYBER CAFE??? Our MOBILE PHONES??? But you know, I'd truly appreciate it if I can surf the internet at the comforts of my own house. But Nooooo, your fucked up technicians JUST DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP!!! They decided that it's better, to let us ROT To DIe! By not fixing our fixed line.

Our phone line was totally dead, with no dial tone. And you know what? WE DON'T PUSH YOU LIKE WE DID THE LAST TIME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!!

Of course, the only bad thing is no other alternative actually has coverage in the area I stay in. But I'd take ANYTHING other than SCREAMYX. Really, ANYTHING TO GET THOSE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH OUT OF MY HOUSE!

And thanks to YOU my equally internet obsessive boyfriend had a fight with me yesterday because he's pissed I'm hogging his PC and the internet for research/entertainment purposes. Like I'm supposed to concentrate on work, as if he actually does the same. Boohoohoo. I do other things while on the net. SO? Did my work deteriorate because of that? And now, when I REALLY need the internet, because I'm studying ONLINE JOURNALISM, this internet connection decided to fuck up on me????

Either the internet service providers give some coverage now in my area, Or I'll just fucking move from my house. I've had it, had it, had it!!! I'll bash something now if I could.

FUCK!

Love, Actually? and multiple things

I probably should prohibit myself from reading blogs of anyone younger than me. Really.

Because no matter how intelligent they sound like they still and always grapple almost the same things which I'm really going to sleep by now: Love.

How hard is it to understand the concept behind love? You have it, you flaunt it, you express it to someone who deserves it, and you leave when you think they don't.

Bullshit rules like "When you're single you can hug hot guys" really should be shove down your own throat. Cause I hug any guy I want even I'm in a relationship and I don't need anyone to tell me to do it conditionally.

No I'm not in an argument with Ephyon, just a tad frustrated over the lack of blog content to read. Politicians is as usual, up to date, thank goodness. I can still find out what's wrong with the country while being stuck at home with my Final Year Project. Le Thesis is getting harder to edit by the second because I'm also stuck at home looking at *gasp* games like Left 4 Dead 2 ><, and Windows 7, and the Onyx...!

And I probably should share abit of a love tip thingie that kept my relationship strong enough. Something I believe needs to be shared among us especially since I've been listening to stories about problems and I think I need to stress this bit again...once again. Or maybe I'm just being snooty cause a lot of these problems are none of my business and yet I just want to point it out so I look important bwahahaha.

I think I've stressed it once and I'm not afraid of stressing it again: Communication, Communication, Communication.

No It does not limit to just compliments. You blardy shout at your partner if you have to just to get your point right across his ears. You use threats, you use screams, you destroy things belong to him.....err....provided that it's not that valuable, I didn't tell you to destroy his phone okay? And once that is across, then both of you can sit down and talk.

One thing I dislike about being a girl is the opportunity for us to keep our mouths shut until things really get out of hand then we blurt. And then it leads to a problem. That's what girls always cry at the phone to another gal pal when she feels the problem twitch (or skewer, depending on the seriousness of said problem), because when it was just an early detection, they won't talk, and then one thing led to another and it will be too late to discuss about it.

I used to do that earlier during the relationships but in 2009 this really toned down a lot. Probably because we were in internships and we spent a lot of time NOT trying to push so hard onto our other selves and yes, when we said we are busy, we ARE busy, not just some lame Dota outing to be put as busy. (oops, I'm still mad about him and his dota outings. In fact, he's in one now as I'm blogging XD)

Oh, and don't be afraid to be dead honest on what you think about the relationship. In fact, if he's disinterested in being honest in the early stages, you probably should get going and ignore that son of a bitch. Only stay with guys that are worth your time (my bf stressed "WORTH YOUR TIME" cause he thinks he's one of those XD)

Of course, I can only say this on behalf of people who are my type. Relentless, uncaring, hates pink, NOT fickled minded, relaxed, go with the flow kind. Fickle minded pretentious people can try this method and find that it doesn't succeed because it's SO not them. They on the other hand made up rules that determine what can single people or people in relationships can do ;)

So what is Love actually? I'd like to think it's something universal, that is inside us, binds us, heck, probably what made us humans. If you believe in what your limitless mind can do, love probably stop that and kept you grounded. Which is why often times, sadly, geniuses are often lonely. No one can understand them =/ I probably do not need to set examples no? It exists everywhere.

Sometimes it's just weird, to choose between mind and heart. Lets say, look at a painting or watch a movie. You might admire technicalities of the painting because your mind tells you so. But you cry or feel extremely happy watching, reading something because your heart tells you so. Hmm....

Don't mind me. I love pondering about these. My friends said I'm weird because I love to stare at something. Indeed, I can just keep staring without saying anything for a darn long time.

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I've found a staple Youtube Channel to watch. Before that I always anticipate the weekly programme The Listening Post (from Al Jazeera English Channel for those who are curious) because I love how they analyse the media and the relations around these decisions and their after effects on the media in general. One thing I did not like was the fact that they do not cover much of the Asian region other than North Korea and China. They are pretty much concentrated in the Middle East, USA, South America and Africa, and the occasional Europe, but not a lot.

And then I stumbled across this Channel called Current TV. I say stumbled, because I happen to watch one of their episodes on The Listening Post and I decided to try watching most of it. As it is, I Love It! I love the presentation, the sacarsm, the charm and wit exalted by each presenter. Best thing is, they are not your stereotypical hunk/blonde that was so easily found in E! or MTV. They are the proof that geeks are actually quite cool. It's a plus point that this TV channel is funded by Ex-Presidential Candidate Al Gore.

Programmes: I cannot claim to watch all of it, but what I look forward to is InfoMania and SuperNews! They make news consumption much much easier, like funding Rambo to stop terrorism in Afghanistan by the help of Blackwater Corporation, a private Military group (which I don't know that there was such a thing. Military? And Private? And selling weaponry to possibly anyone who can afford it?), presented in all things cartoony and absurdity.

InfoMania on the other hand is a half hour show but I only watch the bits and pieces because our bandwidth is slow. I can't wait for the full 30 minutes to be load on Youtube before I start watching them. I liked Conor Knighton and Sarah Haskins a lot. Also, Look out for Sergio Cilli's White Hot Top 5 for the billboard chartings and music videos complete sacarstic comments. How witty are those comments?

My boyfriend, who usually don't watch these shows, actually looks forward to them after I showed him a few clips XD.

If you're thinking "oh man, CiNDi is weird. How the heck are these shows interesting?" Yes I am, I actually find these shows entertaining. In fact, the last time I touched a real tv show to watch was the CSI series which I raved about for the past 2 years. Internship just got me cut off from TV totally. And I just don't rely on them now. Youtube became my main source of entertainment. And blogs, and Facebook.

Hmm, I'm embracing the digital media. Completely. Woot.

The other reason was that as mentioned, I really loved observing. So media studies and media observation is probably most welcomed because I love how they subtlely tells us the most serious issues. Of course The Listening Post remains always on a serious note because they are highlighting the shiftings and changes of the media systems, but Current TV presents it in a more subtle way, in a way that it's attractive for people who find it attractive.

I cannot stress it enough. I really love Current TV's SuperNews! and InfoMania. I'll probably try out other programmes when there's something of interest for me =)

I do have a passion for media observation. I felt so impassioned watching Frost/Nixon. That is yet another tale to tell. For me, myself and I. I'm sorry if I sound weird, but I can go on and on about my fascination about the media XP.

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I mentioned about the frustrations due to capitalist ideals hogging on the blogosphere in the last post. I don't mind la. Advertorials then advertorials la. But day in, day out, advertorials only. Then nothing was actually your personal interest? Boring lor macam ni. How ah?

I guess I'm not much of an advocate for using your personal space and then transform it into a public/professional space. It gets people confused, and then to add salt to the wound, you have to join a certain blogging community to really get in touch with these personas up close. I don't have to Nang it that clear right? ;)

Thankfully, I found this really cool link from a blogger who I have no qualms about because I think she's kinda cool. She wishes this will happen in Malaysia. I so totally agree. Bf reckons he finally found another girl who speaks like me through this blogger. Joyce Wong's the name, KinkyBlueFairy's her domain. Check her out if you haven't already.

Bloggers Must Disclose Payments For Reviews

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Ephyon has an American accent. Due to that, and his massive hairyness he's often mistaken as an American Born Chinese. It was fun looking at how some people tried to guess his origins. Until now, no one can guess that he could speak or even read Mandarin when meeting him for the first time.

And then I asked him do I have a specific accent when I speak English.

Apparently I don't. I don't sound like a Brit, American, European, not even Ah Beng Ah Lian. I just don't have an accent.

What does "don't have an accent" sound like?

"You". Ephyon would answer =_=

But now he has found a term to call my accent. I don't like the sound of it but it's called "Malaysian upper class accent". And no, I don't approve of such a term. "No accent" sounds way better.

Maybe I should stop comparing my accent with his. It depresses me because he can be identified as American. I can't be identified with anything Western nor do I really sound too localised. But he said KinkyBlueFairy sounds like how I speak. Hmm.

Zewt, want to add that into your study of "Bananaristic" cultures? XD

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That's all. Oh I really just dribble on and on and on. XD

Tickled

Internet trolls, are also sadly, the majority beings of the universe who'd do anything to make themselves look stupid, pass on stupid bills and vote for stupid people.

This reminds me of this Newsweek article that Obama should concentrate on how to handle the complexities of the Congress instead of appearing on TV so much. But how to? The media had announced an all out war against him for the health care reforms he proposed in which he wishes to push for the bill approval by end of this year.

It's an insane media war Mr. President have to fight. So if the World's Most Charismatic President is having trouble engaging not just his own people, what do you think a puny little state leader like ours can?

Mr. Prime Minister was the smartest, he just don't answer. Mr. Chief Minister whom everyone is going against in Penang right now, tries his best to appease everyone, but also to cover up his mistakes for allowing certain things to pass through before the Kampung Buah Pala scenario had gone out of hand. I believe you can find those issues just by reading Anil Netto, Chan Lilian, and a lot of them Citizen Journalists in Penang. I myself, being not a Penangite, cannot be assured that my ground will be neutral.

It is just that we all grew up to have the most stubborn heads I've seen. To put it in a more general way of explaining situations, no matter how many times the latter news articles had clarified that the late Michael Jackson was suffering from a skin disease that sees his skin became whiter, my mother was still convinced that he bleached his skin, and very much kept announcing so during his death.

And you'd think people haven't tried to explain to her. I did, got into an argument about it to her about it somemore, but it did not see a change to what she sees. Whatever she sees, she's still utterly convinced that his skin was bleached. Can't say that I didn't try no?

The same goes for the climate change issue, the politics in our country, the annoyance towards more and more capitalist ideals now even appearing in the blogosphere. No matter how many intelligent comments given to clarify issues concerning these things, there's more stupider, lower comments that will tend to override what have just been clarified. Intelligence is getting swallowed up, and the only time intelligent people can rebuke stupidity is to show the exact moronic views uttered by themselves to others, and let other stupid people judge their own stupidity laughing at others, until they are being judged as well.

Yes, people. Welcome to the War of Stupids and Trolls. And currently they are always winning due to the coloured views of the world which the dominant people are encouraging and pushing through.

Then you might ask, what is intelligence? Who can call themselves intelligent and smart, or heck, is intelligence even gradeable?

I sincerely don't know. But I know that I'm looking at this really awkward culture being brought up that look like it'll swallow up the world. Well, maybe the world I see will be swallowed, not the whole world. It's still big, no matter how small Walt Disney claims it to be.

As for the Kampung Buah Pala issue, I can safely say, the people who are yelling and pointing fingers at Mr. Chief Minister right now, are people who did not study Public Administration. These offices, they have protocols, and they, sadly, do not work entirely under the state government. So go cry to the Big Bad Wolf, if you can even reach him. Don't get stuck outside the Putrajaya Perdana like some other blogger does.

Although if I were to be a local journalist next year, maybe the first article I will work on is "Kampung Buah Pala - could it have been avoided?", and then ask everyone who wants to give a piece of their mind, or see them claim amnesia to the issue or refuse to give any answer that is smart. That will shut the old trolls up....and make way for new trolls for attack ;)

And I'm not a person without faults. I have, sadly, find myself unable to commit to the 350 climate change no matter how Rin pushes it to me. I like her concept, but my coloured principles prevented me from taking a very active step other than what I'm doing now, which is recycling, reusing, etc etc.

I wonder though, could it be that we are destined to born with coloured, biased principles, therefore God gave us skin colours, and then we try to unmask ourselves by siding with our colours, or have a new principle altogether.

Hmm.....

But still, end thing is, I'm tickled with glee at how we Malaysians react when it concerns our country, and our politics. I bet any citizen reacts the same way, except with America, they converse better than our half-baked English methinks.

Lazy

Finals sucks my soul. Sorry folks who've been waiting for something.

But I'd recommend this song if you feel down. I just watched Cars a few days ago and I loved the storyline and this song to bits! Maybe I'm just a homey person, I get teary thinking about the abandonned town. But it's okay. I love this song. Have to continue studying though so sorry.

Give a Thumbup if it made your day a lil brighter. =)

Torn Asunder

My heart that has been
Pulled, Befuddled
Reasons not known but only to me

Torn, Torn and only Torn,
Stretched but not till its limits
If I will myself to commit, no more self

Wish for the stars for something?
I grab the opportunities
It's faster for me to huddle and crash through
instead of using a group

For some reason
Rock with You sings through me
I love him
That singer

What is but of dreams to me?
Find that question hard to answer
Not when it's easily dashed
Actually not really
My main agenda remained

Eyes look into the sky
Feet tied to the ground
Paralysed, unable to move
What am I to you?

Uncapable to touch the sky
No one wants the dirt I'm carrying
Definitely, maybe
The only comfort was the ability to still grab dirt

I'm sorry
I wish to
But if you can look at what I'm carrying
Maybe it's not supposed to be

How many are fortunate?
I'm fortunate
fortunate enough to survive that is
Not fortunate to extend help
None

Ring around, ring around,
Torn asunder, torn to pieces
I'll put me back again
But not you

Sorry
I'm torn
Will remain so
Until my things change
for my sake

Merdeka post - My thoughts rang true from an unlikely someone

Sorry for the belated Merdeka post, my heart's fluttering somewhere that day, and my concentration's not full enough to dedicate yet another disappointing year in the Malaysian books.

However, somewhere quite far away from home, I saw a blog post that were buried in the archives from someone very unlikely, someone famous enough for me to dig through that archive and eventually found that thought-provoking post that I think what Malaysians should think about.

That person, is Jason Mraz.

I know, I've never really raved about him, but after watching his concert and writing a review about it. (I did say I interned in a newspaper right? Go find them. Hint: English newspaper only *winks*) I went to check his blog and I really liked his writings. So quirky, so unpredictable.

Never did I think that he'd write a post that struck so true, so my dedication to my Malaysia, is through him.

Credits to Jason Mraz, for touching the lives of not just his musical fans, but also from his blog (Note - he wrote this as a campaign for Barack Obama, but once you minus that factor, it still struck true to Malaysians):

"Patriotism 101, Ignorance & Why I’m VOTING for President Obama!

Patriotism isn’t necessarily a good thing. When the World Trade Center was skillfully felled, Americans felt threatened suddenly, and were told immediately it was the doing of Terrorists from Afghanistan. With blind faith we wielded our flags and gave permission to our young men to leave home and begin global terror of our own. We continued blindly down that road for years until hundred of communities and thousands of lives were destroyed by US brut force.

Yes, the United States, a country founded by immigrants in search of promise and independence, is the same country that suspiciously views any non-American as some kind of enemy or alien species. How did this happen? Since when did we become some proud American Race?

Heck. I forget sometimes that the early settlers, pilgrims, and explorers also relied on slavery and the slaughtering of indigenous tribes. So perhaps we’re doing nothing new and being bad is just stuck in our genes.

I grew up hearing racial slurs left and right by elders and peers. The hurtful, fear based words were usually names inserted after discriminatory remarks such as, “Learn to speak English, you ________.” I never understood it.

Growing up, there was always at least one kid at school from some place else and he or she never EVER posed a threat to me. I was always impressed with their worldly view or neat cultural interests they displayed at talent shows and show & tell.

Patriotism has caused this country to think it’s the only country in the world, that the world should respect our authority for some reason. This singular way of thinking is not only making the US an embarrassment, it’s positioning us quickly as the new enemy.

I do not want someone in the White House with previous WAR experience. I am NOT voting for Patriotism. I am voting for peace, progress, and unity. Sadly, this vote is referred to as the vote for change. Because peace, progress and unity is something we still do not represent in the United States.

I do not want someone in the White House who will continue to seek out Al-Qaeda and trick TV watching Americans into thinking we should invade Iran. (Sadly, that is what is happening between commercial breaks, and some candidates are oddly supporting MORE WAR. ????)

I also do not want someone in the White House who continues to allow lobbyists to influence the decisions of our lawmakers. The corporate money that contributes to Congress will always be worth more than your votes or phone calls that you make to your Senator or Representative. Chain emails and petitions don’t seem to have the same charm as their fat checks. If it did, Health Care would be affordable or free, our vehicles would be electric, and there would likely be enough jobs for everyone in the country, as we wouldn’t have closed so many manufacturing plants in the last 50 years.

With enough votes, Washington will HAVE to listen to us. It’s been too close in the past therefore the WAR-mongers keep on doing their dirty business.

Our nation is divided in far too many ways. We are split socially and economically and it’s at its worst inside the government.

Republicans and Democrats are both Americans with equal rights, yet somehow they are discriminated against based on opinion and fall too favorably to one side or the other without being open to respectful dialogue.

I’m being drastic, but I’m not.

I hope America can pull itself out of the hole she appears to be in. I hope the dollar can climb back up to a realistic value. I hope the Corporations are given less power and local people are able to participate in capital adventures again.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together."

-Jason Mraz-

Our country is not the free country, it's not the biggest country in the universe, but it acts as much a miscreant as the biggest country itself. Not just the ruling party, but the opposition as well. We need to wake up and prick ourselves to the biggest thorn on earth - we are not competent in any sort in this world. Our youngsters, in any rate, SUCK at finding work anywhere. So Lets do something this Merdeka - Do your worst to show love for your country if you truly want it to develop. Whether to equip yourself, to be an activist, to actively write in any space. Show that you care, you do love this country.

Be a lover, not a patriot.

Selamat Hari Merdeka.

Almost Forgotten

The weird about my PMS is, I tend to find the oddest stuff possible when my mind's wandering around. This PMS struck me hard enough to allocate time for such eccentricism, I've almost forgotten how is it to be emotional at these precise times.

I don't why but I felt compelled to find for that someone whom I felt very close to through her writings. It was, I think, some time after Form 4 and I was once again clueless and not very sure where I want to go. I was stuck in a science class which was in fact not really the biggest mistake I've made, but close enough. I used to read her column in Section 2, now known as Startwo. I still remember her column comes out every Monday, together with the other columnist Mary Schneider.

Then as I stayed in the library after school, while waiting for my friend as he was the only Add Maths tutor I can ever understand, I somehow chanced upon finding her book, which was a compilation of what she wrote during the earlier editions, the ones which I will not find because I was too young or haven't existed. It was almost like her travelogue, most of it concerning the sights and sounds she experienced being "out there" (I used to call travelling "out there" because I felt hopeless without a passport, and I really loved to travel). I will never see anything high end or classy, but always about India, about Bangladesh, about Africans. About Asia.

Somehow I gathered that travelling was her work, and it had to do with educating women, she chronicled about life trying to give certain education to women, empowering them, letting them know about liberalisation, and the challenges she faced during those times. It was a magical story. She presented in a neutral storytelling way because she initially wanted to chronicle it like it was for her mother. I was enthralled by the stories, dismayed by the women she approached, felt sad for certain consequences she faced, and so on. For a feeble minded Form 4 student, I was thoroughly impressed with her.

You can say, she inspired me into journalism. I loved her stories, I loved her writing. I loved how she put a stand into everything and not making a damn big fuss about it, back when a big fuss was really, something small. Back when journalism actually was of something sensible and sensical (of course, now I know it was all suppression). I loved her travels. I've never been so grateful before for a school library, well known for stocking storybooks instead of real research work but I truly am grateful to find that book at that time.

When I became older I was told that my mom eventually joined her network of e homemakers when she took a 2 year break off working, to build and shape us after our father's passing. I couldn't really say that I'm that excited over that prospect. Homemaking was never my mother's cup of tea and she could never see herself selling things over the internet or even trying to become an internet entrepreneur. I guessed my mom was just too old or too used to physical workload to embrace technology, not as easily as we do.

I didn't like that part of her actually. I prefer the writer part. The one that would make me sit down before she opens yet another chapter of magical stories, unravelling and making me awed. However it seems that most people are impressed with her homemaking network and I won't be surprised. It was an achievement that most people still find amazing as they were the first movers.

And then it came. I don't know who was the last decision maker. I suspected it was The Star rather than herself. (Alright, confirmed it WAS The Star. Sons of bitches!) The end to her column. I should've gaped in horror but she gave me hope by telling us she'd write on her blog, which was her daughter's Christmas present. By then I was already in Journalism, having to be perfectly sure I am not going to fail my language papers, and actually score a damned good grade in English in SPM to reaffirm my decision to join Journalism. (My GSE was B3 though. Argh! Wish I could amend that)

It's been two years since. She hasn't updated that blog of hers, the last I've checked.

I hate to think that my favourite writer has stopped contributing her thoughts and words to inspire so many more others who might find her articles worth a read, in spite of reading other blogs like political-socio ones, like funny witty ones, like personal ones. I hate to think that. But it's been two years.

I've thought alot about other things since then, I've also done my internship, contributed a few of my pieces on the newspaper. I wished I really stopped to think about her, to think about the reason why I'm here, to stay, for good. Sadly I've never, and I've almost forgotten about her. Took me quite awhile before I remembered how cosy it was to be back at the library, re-reading that book, wishing that I was 16 once more, filled with dreams to want to become a journalist, instead of actually stepping inside to do so. But it's just my glimpse in the past, just to relive how it feels like once more.

"Stories for my Mother" was her column name. Chong Sheau Ching was her name. I really missed her writing, but I've almost forgotten her.

If only she starts writing again.....

Almost Died

Hello Hello.

I'm blogging from my campus lab after having like, two classes in between cancelled and the next class will be 2pm. I guess I've abandon this long enough and I should update something again.

I almost got killed by the amount of assignments this year. Maklumlah, Ini dipanggilkan Tahun Akhir. Haven't started Final Year Project, and there's this assignment that deserved to weigh a tonne on the weighing scale. And another few classes that were pissed-off worthy due to the lecturers, and then some tantrums are thrown by other quarters that is sad to say, really turning my life.

What an amazing thing is I've managed to sail it through without throwing a big fit, at most I'll have restless sleep but so far I have yet to bitch around. Much. With loud voices that I want to yell at the world. What an amazing thing.

Don't mind me my thoughts are in shambles due to the many compressed events, I can't just unzip all of them in a simple blog post.

I've found a new love to play with when there's money, so bye bye Sony Ericsson, maybe another time when you've really improved with something worth a mention.

I will also invest in a new laptop when I can. The time has come to move on from the current one I'm using, but nevertheless that laptop has served me well. Time to move on to better gaming, and for once, a laptop with graphics card.

I'm getting kinda sick looking at StarMag's Dear Thelma for some reason. Especially about cases regarding infidelity that involves sex. Made my blood boil for some reason. Some men are just quite disgusting really. Don't want to divorce your wife because you love her and then went to look for younger poon. So nice to fuck meh? I really do wonder what old males think sometimes. In fact, not just old males, any male who cheats, I do wonder what the fuck were they thinking.

I'm being really cynical ever since I return from internship. A lot less tears, a lot more temper. Hmm. I like it though. People don't mess with me that much already.

And H1N1, I never worried about it. Built my immune system long before it became a pandemonium now. I've read Zewt's post and I thank the gods I'm not being sick in the first place. Gladly.

And and,wait, how come macam tarak recession news? Everything a-okay already? Must be la.

Still observing the political arena as usual, nothing much stood out. Even if it did I already missed it and therefore no point to elaborate further. I still like that RPK prank by another blogger though. It definitely shows alot about the professionalism in handling certain news and videos. They really should consider changing the management team or something. RPK's website should be for people who work under dedication for him and not something else.

For some reason, when news of The Nut Graph reported that they could not afford anymore money, somehow certain bloggers' comments section have turned into a bashup, something along the lines of "Padan muka, too much PR news". Hello, you want free media who are able to give different views or be stuck with mainstream news forever? Lets face it, we'll never turn back the time. Times has changed, unless the government feels appropriate to cut the Internet now.

Do you know that DAP now has a restaurant? It's called Rocket United Cafe. Coursemates all like to go there some other time.

What else? I think that's it la, nothing much already. Out of things to tell here.

Bye bye. Ciao ciao.