It still matters after all

I've got a message from him.

He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.

I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.

Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.

I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.

Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.

I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.

I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:

1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.

2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.

3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.

4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.

I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.

I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.

I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.

I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.

I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.

Because, it still matters after all.

It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.

Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.

It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.

I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.

Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.