Amazement

I'm to be unemployed in a week.

I thought I was going to feel very sad and discouraged by the fact that I will not be in the job market very very soon, until today.

Quite a few people knew I was quitting already. Bla bla bla, and this person (not the employer), we just have some empty chats, until he told me there will be a new writer filling my place after I was gone.

My first thought was sadness because I was to be replaced. Never thought he found anyone so soon. Heck, who would be in my position to be tortured anyway?

And then I realised something: Someone else is being the sucker. I wonder how long he or she will last.

I have to say lasting 9 months in a job with very little pay, no sense of job security, and an increasingly annoying hypocrite as the employer is a serious achievement. My friends were right, it was like a part time job. I just come and go from home.

I used to go to the office until I found out it's pretty hopeless being there. The hypocrite just goes in for the first few months for image's sake and then left me to fend for myself. I don't know about others but I do believe as an editor, people have to work TOGETHER.

A couple of unhappy events later and I finally blasted him for his hypocrisy when dealing with personal events and my stuff. I still have yet to hear an apology from him but not that it mattered. I've also yet to talk about the things he did to me in public other than those that are obvious. After all, he's the immature and childish one to post ugly things on social media and make people comment on them rather than confronting the person itself. Rather than trying to understand the person this hypocrite rather come up with his own conclusions because it's "faster that way".

I'm amazed actually. On one hand the hypocrite taught me a lot of things early on when I was still naive and new, but on the other hand decides to fuck things up by being mean, rude and such a hypocrite for no reason at all. It's up to the point where he tackles issues with rudeness and sacarsm, clearly portraying himself as a biased person even in publications.

I understand that one should be biased, but not to the point of using your position to continue propagate the bias. You want to be biased? Be a columnist, don't abuse your position. Urgh.

Bottomline, I'm not sad about leaving. Good riddance. Maybe I can get out of where I'm staying soon enough with this miserable burden coming to an end =)

Stand By Me

I'm in one of those empty moments again, that I need to seriously blog it out before I can resume work.

I know, at 4am, what sort of work can I complete eh? Unfortunately, I've been stuck, stuck with my own emotions that I think I need to clear it, before I resume doing anything.

Curiousity got the better of me today. I went to look at Wil Wheaton (yes, THAT Wil Wheaton. Star Trek, The Big Bang Theory, yada yada) and his journal. Something about thanking his mates on a tour he went to. Curiousity got the better of me, and I began scrolling back to his previous entries. I liked his writings, it was personal and not too intelligently demeaning towards people. He writes just like you and me, and doesn't present anything too judgmental.

He wrote about appearing on this 25th anniversary of Stand By Me as it was being prepared for a blu-ray release. He talked about, finally reuniting with his cast and crew. And how for the first time, he felt true great grief and loss, as he spoke about River Phoenix.

As soon as I finish reading that article, my heart shattered. It was like having this instant emptiness engulfing me. I frantically shared the link on my Tumblr and Facebook, hoping to trigger a response from someone, anyone, who felt the nostalgia. And then, I tried to remember what Stand By Me, the film, looked like. I've definitely watched the film before. I cannot forget that leech scene and the ending song, which to this day, remains one of my favourite, and the reason why I hated Sean Kingston the day he released his first single ripping that bloody song off.

And I saw how Wil talked about River, and I could feel the honesty in that man, as he tries to describe his friendship, even though the feelings were suppressed for close to 18 years (River died at 1993). I truly felt the loss of River Phoenix. Even now, I could almost picture him doing movies from the range of Johnny Depp or Robert Downey Jr, people who were once lost but are capable to find themselves by emerging victorious again in this age. Not to mention that he was born with the good looks, just like RDJ. I could almost see them starring in a really smart, witty, heartwarming film already. Sigh. Sorry, I digressed.

But I guess the biggest loss, and why did I felt this really big heavyweight on my chest, is because I think I missed my dad again. If I remember correctly, he introduced Stand By Me to little me. I definitely remember him trying to teach me how to sing that song. He loved that song a lot, so did my mother I guessed. But my father has always been the kind of person who introduces me new things without trying to corrupt my mind, so to speak.

He introduced me to some lovely music from the 80s and the 90s, which made me a lover for older songs even though that decade has passed. Far too long I kept that suppressed due to unspoken reasons. I think it's just natural for a person to just suppress everything, because life just have to move on. Time does not wait for those who cried too much on their loss.

But, lately, I've unlocking memories again. I've started listening to songs from the 80s and 90s, watching the Grammys performances again, and sometimes I felt a sharp pain at the corner of my head as if I lost my memories and I just regained them. My friend reckoned I merely suppressed it so deep down, that the sudden yank of the memories will be painful to anyone.

No sudden death is easy to take in, even if it has passed for 10 years. This is the 10th year since my dad died suddenly due to a heart attack. Gosh, Time passed so much. I'm no longer 13, I'm no longer responsible for caretaking, and I'll soon embark on my own journey.

I wondered how the Phoenix family were, to have their baby taken away from them and feel the sadness again and again because his death was so tragic. I've seen his picture in the coffin so many times, but today, it was the first time, I truly saw the ugliness of his death, much like my own father's. Sometimes I wished I was never there, I wished I never tried resuscitating him. I wished, I just stood there like a dumbfuck and cry my eyes out, instead I touched his cold body with my hands and I tried again and again to do something, but, it never happened. He was out cold, and having a tinge of blue appearing over his face (as how I remembered it). After that, till today, I have a phobia of touching my loved ones who are dead. Others have no problem telling grandma to rest in peace as they touched her forehead when she passed on; I thought twice before doing it, but I did it anyway. She don't deserve this, since it is my own phobia to counter.

I guess to relate this two stories together seemed far-fetched. But believe me, that one movie brought out a lot in me. I have not been crying, but it definitely distracted me enough to remember what was it like to have a dad before this. Ten years without a father taught me so many life lessons, it's no wonder we, as his children, all turned out different than how my mother intended us to be. None of us, are who we are 10 years ago when that fateful day occured. He was not perfect, he never claimed to be, only that my mother wanted so much from him. But, much as he gave my family plenty of pain and unhappiness while he was alive, he was also the radical one who taught me the most about life, politics and music.

I owe it to him that I have explored to what extent of a chameleon I can be, how to behave in front of different people, and how never to ask help from anyone even if I'm doomed to be alone. I was bullied when I was younger and I always cannot bear being alone that's why I don't like having no friends. After not having him around, being alone became something I'm accustomed to.

I owe this to him. I owe this introduction to the coming of age adventure of four young children to my father, for showing me this beautiful movie and song. I'll never forget the happy days when life felt like it can be simpler. Because it was worth it. I've kept quiet before because friends used to say how naive I was, but I think with this naivety is a living proof that I was there, learning through the process, and just being plain happy. But instead, lately, being happy is becoming a learning process for me because I'm no longer a naturally happy person. If I could go back to the time when I could smile at any time of the day just because I felt like it, I would. And this movie, is part of that memory.

As I hear the song again and again, this time, I could feel my dad around. I know he wasn't there to pick me up from the shadows or guide me out of the mess. He's just looking at me. He knows I could do it without him.

Dad, I owe everything I learnt, to you.

"If the sky we look upon

Should tumble and fall

And the mountains should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry, No I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me"

-Ben E. King, Stand By Me