Too many questions, the need to escape, again

Again I feel like escaping from this place I live in. What's up with that?

Just as again I heard how my grandmother chokes on the softest of food, I feel the need to run away from this place who will soon be too depressing to stay in when my grandmother did move on to another realm. I hate it when death occurs, really do hate it ever since I got that shock of my life.

I also feel the need to have privacy. Since young I never get my own room, I probably got my own corner but that's about it. If I want my own space the only space I go to is my boyfriend's room (which isn't really that private) or my own brain. And now when I'm working and my brain's constantly spilling out and I can't contain it anymore.

How sad is it for a human to just want to get her own private area? Hate being such a human sometimes. I don't need and yet crave connection and communication. I want to rant on Facebook but since I have added my boss, sometimes it's just coincidental my problems are coinciding with the work he gave me. If I rant, wow, I don't know what to say or how to reply back. The perils of adding your current boss into Facebook...

If I was given this one day to rest, would I want to just drive and drive and drive away? Until I reach the end of the solar cycle? (just stupid talking). I guess I'm very fascinated with the idea of running away because I've watched Honey and Clover and honestly that took up a lot of guts to just off your handphone and communication devices and just go on your windy road. In the real world, doing that and you'll end up with a police report and some team trying to search for you.

Who else then have a dream like mine? Just escape, escape, fucking escape? Do I need to do something to my life or my thinking to really feel like I'm not burdenning anyone? What is it missing? What is it? That I cannot feel liberated and soar through without feeling that something is holding me back?

And Just who the Heck am I living for? Why do I get the feeling it's not about me, but always about someone else? Someone else who I deemed more important but not myself? Am I even serious when I say that? Am I even trying to figure it out when I say that?

Perhaps I'm too ashamed of myself, perhaps I don't know if I've ever tried harder. Perhaps my confidence level hasn't been released and I constantly get pushed down so easily.

Bah. Escape!!

I wanna puke

But before I do so with my unwell stomach as it is, allow me to go into this immense ranting about how undeserving this position that happens to precede me before I accept the reality in which I happen to come across upon with no warning signs.

I envy girly girls who can afford to look like they just came as descendents of the Moon Goddess, pretty, nice looking, always getting the buzz of attention.

I'm a slob standing next to them. In fact, I'm a guy standing next to them. Totally.

Do I get guys' attraction by giggles and playing up the natural pheromones most girls actually spread around? Nope, I astonished them with amazing geekery, speaking vulgar, and have this large tendency to pat people on the back like a guy do.

I'm exaggerating of course about the vulgar and pat back part, not the geekery sadly.

I wasn't too fancy about being such a girly girl but wow, I wish the world could give non-girlies a break.

So I hate skirts, hates bags (backpacks FTW), and purses, it doesn't make me any less attractive than those girly girls.

And I'm not a tomboy either. I don't fancy having my hair short, or wearing baggy jeans. I'm just not the person who's at either extreme. I'm a girl with long hair who despises acting like a girl.

It's possible that Marc saw me for who I was, obviously, but to think about it, what happens if he's not with me? Am I destined to spend my next life hoping to find a man who does find me attractive in a non-normal sort of way that will send everyone else on the edge?

Just saying.

Now it's time for me to continue ponder the urge of puke. Bye

It's getting real

I remember after watching the video of A.Kugan's mangled body I immediately froze. Partly because that was a really distraughting video, that Malaysiakini chose to post on of all place, Youtube; partly because he was only the same age as Marc when he died.

I hung on tight to Marc, but I've never showed him the video. To me, he wasn't the kind of person who'd be interested in such videos or such issues. But I did tell him I was afraid of the same thing happening to him because these youths are being suppressed, threatenned and now, killed. He assured me it will never happen, not among our friends or family.

How wrong he was.

Activists who were parading the candlelight vigil on August 1 were arrested and placed in lock-ups. One of them, was Marc's friend. He wasn't too worried but it was obvious that he got slightly disturbed that the police force were so hard-handed this time around, even though there might or might not be a permit for this to go on.

I just nudged and told him: "It's getting real".

Yes, we youngsters who used to "dream" and view such things always say it'll never happen on us, possibly because we were so caught up in our bubble of comfort and class, that we are immune to these things that some day it will never occur to us.

Well it did. And we need to get real to embrace that. To put aside the fears and address what is really wrong with the country.

I don't want to be dramatic and say "to die for this country", but anything can happen. Maybe spending a time in the lock up, maybe to be scolded at by your superiors for writing such an article that paints it badly against government, maybe it's about trying to convince the youngsters to look with their eyes, and that if they do take sides, who is to blame them?

The problem with being in one side: in my case, the liberal side, is that we forgot to take into account what other people felt like in the other side of the spectrum. I went to the camp, and with it I brought my ideologies. I met this girl and I have to say, I took great stride not to feel offended by her remarks about the world and its mechanisms. Turns out I was wrong to assume everyone is liberated. She came from Vietnam, to which I did not know (and don't judge me because I never follow the Vietnam War) it is a Communist country. So really, we sometimes bring these ideologies thinking others are sharing the same and then you realised, when you take great pains NOT to feel offended by her ideologies you're actually prepared to be listening. Even though you lapsed and complained about her sometimes when she's not around. Self-proclaimed guilty gossipy person here.

So yea, while we should get real and address issues like abolishment of oppressive policies, should we also blame the police force for what they do? Should we actually analysed and say "who are these people? the grunts or the commander?" Based on what I've been reading about these ISA arrests, they sounded more like the grunt than the commander. And these people are the ones getting criticised at.

Sure, this is the police force, you people may argue. They should be aware of their powers and how they could've use, or abuse them. Sure, then the people would also be aware of their powers, and how they could've use, or abuse them. Then it'll become a neverending debate on who's power should succumb to who really.

There'll always be two sides of the powers that attempts to take over the hearts of the majority. The interesting part is who eventually will win and tell their side of the story via the media? But that's left for another post for discussion.

The problem is to make people wake up and exercise their responsibilities. The problem is getting to burst these people's bubble and say "get real! if the force is coming you think you won't be spared?". And the problem of course, was to balance the arguments between these two sides and choosing in the end to believe in which one.

I do know this one small accomplishment: Marc is actually starting to be aware. It'll be tough trying to push for something bigger, but a small poke of awareness can lead to bigger actions in the future.

I'm hopeful. Because everything is getting real for all of us. The power struggles, the leadership exercises, the agony and discontent of the people. It's getting real.