Its cases like these that I wonder if the media have done anything good or have been going down the dogs lately. He Lived and Died under the spotlight of the media.
I'm a student I'm a daughter I'm a granddaughter I'm a girlfriend I'm a sister I'm a leader I'm a journalist I'm a political observer I.....can't achieve what I really want to do.... Sigh. I read the guest column by Rin who is currently volunteering for The Nut Graph and honestly I felt that she was truly progressing towards achieving what she really need. I felt good for her... I couldn't feel good for myself. Every year as I came into university I'm constantly bogged by the conflict of roles, majority of them coming from family problems. Fulfil my duty as the eldest daughter, the eldest sister, the granddaughter, the girlfriend... Then what will happen to my duty as the student, the leader, the political observer, the journalist? Can I even achieve those without feeling already bogged down by the conflicting roles involving my bond with the family and love? These ties that are filled with so much emotion? It's easy to take the other roles away because I couldn't be emotionally committed to them. What more with the current baggage that I'm currently carrying. I'd be a living miracle, or a living genius, if I can maintain both committed to my family and what I really want to do? I'd have wanted to achieve so much, constantly dreaming for a way so that I seize the quickest opportunity to stay focused on what I can and want to do. But unfortunately, until the baggage is lifted from me and I'm relieved of my position do I truly feel that I could be responsible in chasing my dream. I feel like I'm chasing it half-heartedly. There's no commitment to what this is. Sure, my mom said it easy about studying. Sure, my friend said it easy about going out to play. Without a care in this world? Yea why not, your parents shouldn't be worrying about you now that you're 21 and growing. How many of you would want to try and live in these shoes? Stay with the grandparents your whole life, and this year you could barely even communicate with your grandmother because she's showing symptoms of dementia and living in denial, unwilling to embrace the fact and bear with her and mom's naggings everytime it concerned about your well-being and wondered why I couldn't score in exams? (I'd like to see you say yes to this. Really) How many of you would want to leave class and go straight home despite friendly invites by your coursemates to stay and have lunch with them which could possibly for the pleasure of your well-being because these are supposedly the rights enjoyed? Just because your single mother is currently working elsewhere and your grandmother fell ill and have fever? How many of you would want to constantly live with the agony of knowing your dreams will never be achieved because of family commitments and you know your mother is drumming into your head with the words "money money money can't support"? I'm envious with everyone without the extra family burden. Living with 3 generations definitely do not make me a better achiever. Ideally, I could live like Rin. I'd really want her life, fighting for a cause, willing to do what it takes to practise journalism from the best. But In reality, I'm CiNDi. As if the companies will actually let this flaw be put into consideration. I cannot spread my wings until I'm done with my job, which I was BORN to take, not WILLING to take. I can't blame anyone for this job. I've given up on asking "why?" to God and also to Mom. My friend once said, I have the courage because I've did what so many people couldn't do in my personal life. Will that courage even be reflected into my job? (Actually it has, I don't know. I just feel stupider now by trying to make myself feel better with this meagre of an achievement.) .........I really wonder, when can I ever stood up and say, I really want to do something, without feeling doubtful or worried about other factors...... Please, if I may, I wish to no more feel the conflict of roles......
But it's most probably due to the fact that I'm graduating soon, that I really want it to end faster.
I've been reading a couple of my friends' blogs recently, and they all desire, not to continue their work in Malaysia. If they can, and God willing, they'd wish to travel outside and try their very best to stay out, enjoy and taste the freedom of being the global citizen.
Some, wished to live the American dream. Visit nightlife, Times Square, all that American culture.
Some, wished to just keep trekking, whether is it jungles, deserts, cities, slums, as long as they can stand on that ground; does it matter if the ground is classy or dirty? They just loved to walk.
I know that nowadays when I really wanted something, I can. All I needed was to take that one step and say "Yes, I'll do it! And it's not for anyone's sake, it's MY sake."
I complained once about wanting to Escape from not just the family, but from everything, including my love. I did it, one year later, after my internship, with a friend. It's not alone, but nevertheless it was a journey unintended for any sort of sightseeing. Just escape la. I did it, and I really felt good, rejuvenated.
Today, I promised myself that I'd trek the forest, and I did. I did a 45-minute stint at the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve, which was, in my opinion, one of the okay forests for its place nearby a LRT station. I still miss FRIM the most, their canopy walks are really breath-taking. You really take in breaths, but it really made you appreciate nature for what it is. I know the forests aren't that small, but my boyfriend insisted that he came along as well and if he didn't, I would've spent more than 45 minutes inside that forest reserve.
But this is me, I'm always having people who cared, and love me, which caused them to worry a lot about me.
But I do wonder, what if my dreams do come true? That the sacrifice I need to make was to actually leave everyone? Mom, family, Ephyon, Friends, people who'd really appreciate my existence in their life?
And yet, my mind lingers, to visiting the old towns of England, to be able to capture the snow in Switzerland, witness beauty of Icelandic waterfalls, cherish that moment of having only myself in France, Italy, England. Living the Berlin dream......
But yet it was a dream filled with obstacles. It's never easy to achieve it. One look at the requirements they needed in international media organisations just for their industrial training alone and I could just faint. Theirs were really demanding, and I kept wondering to myself: What sort of lessons do media students in American colleges and universities go through just to enter this media organisation?
And then I thought: With my qualifications, I'll never be able to enter, and live the dream, the dream of throwing my bag onto my shoulder and just keep on truckin'
If I could live that dream, I guess a few years of being just by myself, that painful separation, no matter what, I guess it will be worth it. It's not that I don't love them, but I'd really really love to go somewhere worthwhile, staying there for a couple of years.
After all, it wouldn't hurt to dream a little bit before letting reality sunk in, right?
