Unprepared

So in true adult fashion, I'm supposed to start a journey on creating a happy career life after graduation.

I just got my results. I cannot say that I'm happy about it because honestly I didn't want it to slip further. Now it's just enough for me to obtain a Second Class Upper as I graduate with that name, but thinking that I have never actually obtained more than 3.3 throughout my degree year, I daresay this is what I could best achieve for somebody without "hard work" as my mom would claim. On the other hand, my thesis got an A and it's something I'm proud of. Since I have not really look around for a job, I think I can use this time to polish my resume.

Been spending day and night either going out with boyfriend, or gaming at home, with a short interlude of going to Krabi. That was really fun times, albeit imperfect, but fun. It leaves a not-so-sad ending for the lot of us actually, whether or not we will actually see each other or bother to call each other again.

I find myself being really unmotivated to go out and do something about my life. Granted, I've been reading so I'm pretty sure my mind is intact, not the mention the various things I've been reading, but I've been cutting down on catching up the local political news. I probably felt bored about listening to the same empty promises, the precise anger levels compared to a few years ago, that now when everyone is worried about an economy crisis looming over our heads, something not being scared before.

I do remember this conversation with the Thai taxi driver bringing us around. You can tell he probably had not have a university education, but he spoke with passion on how the Thai government should've helped the people by distributing wealth equally, not spending millions on building roads with asphalt (and as he says it, we do see trucks spraying asphalt around).

I feel amazed. An ordinary Thai citizen that know exactly which branches of the government that does what. How many ordinary Malaysian citizen are that interested in government programmes and what they are doing? Heck, how many know about how much exactly did the government do for us?

I hate being normal. Because being normal means I have to stop thinking outside the box. But I also hate being jibed by my stupid boyfriend everytime I'm thinking about something, everytime I try to explain something and he just interrupts with some stupid quote which does not amuse me. Hate it. You, reading this. I Hate It!

Let me think in peace, I'm not normal, never born to be normal. My existence is defiant towards laws of nature, like being fat, being single-eyelided, being left-handed, being a woman, so let me express my highly delusional thoughts, which will be here sooner or later, because that was the reason why I call this blog My Wild Thoughts.

On a side note, after Krabi, I'm going to Chiang Mai with Rin for Debating and Producing Media workshop. I'm going to let my socks off and learn as much as I can, not letting anything embarass me, because almost nothing can embarass me now =). And I also want to make new friends without the presence of Marc around, so that I have a bunch of friends only I can relate to.

The workshop is in July, so it will be exciting, but I just need to make June as liveable as possible, since I'm not going for any holidays. The South Korea trip is confirmed cancelled as it is. Probably will start sending out resumes and attend interviews. Most importantly seek consultation since I don't really have a place to go to work yet, therefore my options are larger.

But until then, I'm going to do research on Chiang Mai, enjoy my time, and hopefully, not be bored to death. The only thing good is that I have yet to feel bored.

Here's to a smooth transition phase to the new life.

*Untitled*

I'm an aunt.

The mother is my friend.

She's about my age.

The baby was beautiful.

Mother separated from Father because of family complications.

Mother is unemployed.

I screwed up.

I made my mom paid more.

I hope she forgive me for my mistake.

I hope to pay her back.

The tour trip might be cancelled due to lack of people.

I don't know if I want to go anymore.

Crying as I type. Sucks.

Supposed to go Krabi for enjoyment.

Still going, but with lots of heartache.

What to do.

Least I could do was still support her emotionally.

Least I could do was pay her back.

Least I could do was enjoy Krabi anyways.

For the moment though,

I'm sad.

Might have been a little media-phobic

This was written over 2 months ago and never published. I'm continuing to write even though I don't really feel the same. Still the questions need answering.

I'm going to share some sort of worry that I've never actually tried to cure, plainly because I don't know if it was even an ailment in the first place. That is, until I've conducted a research on it.

You see, my thesis involves finding out if the media have been playing a certain role (full title to be revealed if I ever finish it in the first place). And with the methodologies that I've discussed over with my supervisor, it's best to get some interviews with one of the more well known editors around the media organisation.

Now, you see. I'm a girl born in the late 80's, already engulfed, trapped in the world of Mahathirisms, my perception of the media has always been the more distorted, safer, steering away from everything kind of media. I always have the feeling that everything I've watched and read are sort of...fake. I don't know how to explain it, but I know I'm definitely not living a full life.

Then I got into Journalism. It was an eye-opener for me. I know I have received some sort of political awareness due to my father, often constantly showing me attachments and/or materials to read about politics, but to actually study them is a different breath of air. For once I was concerned and I know this is what I intend to do if I ever have the chance.

But when I started internship and this thesis I find myself confounded, trapped as I wield myself back into the eras of Mahathirism. My friends, some of them, found similar conflicts in their internships. We've discussed this, and now with my supervisor, I'm more than concerned about this ailment that might have existed within most of us late 80's babies.



You see, I might have had..media-phobia. I was born into the era of "safe news", consumed "safe news", read and have only read "safe news". Even till now I'm feeling the after effects of it.



My friends used to tell us their editors during internships lamented about the fact that they were not adventurous, did not actively seek out news to report, did not have the initiative, if anything to be a journalist at all. Many others share the same sentiment from their superiors, each carry the same pang of foreboding towards these would-be journalists.

If anything, I'm afraid, Mahathir's scheme all these while, has succeeded in creating a brain-dead generation, a generation who's fears lay upon the hearings of what he has done in the past to manipulate what has become of today's society. At least, at today's generation of future workers.

And when I talked to my thesis supervisor, my Political Science lecturer, my interviewees, they were talking about the glorious media past, the time when the only thing the media had to be afraid of was the laws that struck them should they be unethical, not laws that bound them to keep them like watchdogs. And it's resonating among that very few interviewees I've kept in touch with because they told me "I'm not willing to do this! I want the law to change!". And so, in some ways, they were extend the same invitation to me, to tell me they want me to understand that all this while, the media operations were, to put it succintly, forced to be "safe".

When I always hear those words, I feel very pressured. I honestly do. I think I have a certain case of media phobia. Why? Because I can't imagine a life living without the shadow of the oppressive media over me. I have never encountered, seen an era when the media was free, was free to report, was free to point out the error of ways and when the ruling coalition would've gladly changed. No, I'm living in a post 80s era where I know nothing but oppression.

And they extended their invitation, they want me to join. But I find it highly impossible, not when I'm clueless to what is the real change behind all of the political turmoil, or will it bring any change at all.

If anything, I do NOT know what is media life like before the Oppression begin. And these people, have had no idea how was life like being under that facade, that we've been given the "best" sort of education but taught us to stop questioning the givers. And it resulted in this.



If you ask me if I have ever asked any hard questions during my time in internship, I dare say it: NO. I have not. I've never prepared myself to ask, and I don't know what is the reaction I'll get and how do I even ask the right questions??



And for a girl who's going to be a journalist who has never ask hard/tough questions, she sure complains a lot about the media.

But at least what's good? That these editors have harboured some hope that the media landscape will change. That they wish to bear some certain changes.

But what hope is there for a girl who has never tried? Does she have to be put into jail for the hopeful things she sees? Does she have to withstand, the pressures from those elder than her, afraid of the circumstances due to her recklessness?

I don't see that tiny inch of hope staying in Malaysia to continue pursuing the media experience. I'm not an activist unfortunately, or at least, I still can't be one, since I'm on call 24/7 to come back if ever something goes wrong >_>. So I could only see two options: 1, leave home and country, 2, take up a safe job that have secure hours.

The worst thing for a young person is to feel desperate and disappointed with the country in this age. I don't want to, but I'm media phobic, and from the looks of it, I'm supposed to be fearless towards oppression at this age as well.