It's time for another verbal diarrhea, one that I have to spit out before I could feel normal again?
I've not been tempting fate as of late, but merely letting it flow through my veins, and surprisingly, yielding more positive than negative results than I could ever imagine.
I asked for a job; I got one. I asked for a place to stay; and it bestowed me a place not only strategic, but filled with some of my favourite people to hang out with (still under planning though. Watch this space). I met up with friends, chatted with them, they were so awesome. I've signed up for exercise classes and Yoga because I can't stand my mother's nagging (joking) about my weight and the fact that I got the motivation just from knowing that the ex slimmed down quite a bit.
But what surprised me is that every time I talked to somebody about the positive things that happened to me, or the coincidental things that just happened at the right their reply is always this
"This is fate, isn't it?"
To be honest, I'm a little afraid of leaving all this positive things to happen because I've always think I got it, I've got the opportunity, and then things fucked up and I end up losing hope. Now, I have all this good things happening to me at once, will I be too complacent and just keep hoping for good things to come and stop anticipating for the negative and bad occurences?
Another thing was, am I tempting fate to be angry at something really mediocre and stupid? Something as dumb as being a little slighted when he puts his privacy even stricter that I can't read his daily entries anymore even though he no longer wants to be my Facebook friend? Sigh.
I really have no idea what is it I want with this man. I'm positive that I no longer harbour any sort of feelings for him, yet, I'm curious to know how he's doing, whether is everything alright, and who'll get the second partner first (lol). It's this kind of anal competition that I secretly have with myself, because if I say that out loud, people will definitely say that I miss him and that I can't let go of him.
Lets face this seriously. I've been trying to avoid talking about it for months now and I think I'm ready to admit it even though it's a little late now. Maybe, during all this subconscious and persistent chase to know about his current situation is a sign of me missing the man. Fact: We have been together for almost three years, having our lifestyles (at least my lifestyle) adjusted towards each other. It's a little hard to adjust it back to the way it was. I was given exposure of different tastes and different lifestyles; I can't turn back to who I was when I was 18. I spent almost the entire university life just having him around. It's not that easy to just flip the switch and say "hey! back to my single life of 18" because I'm no longer 18.
I've been avoiding and running away from people contacts and I know it very well. Even though I'm still meeting new people everyday, they are not allowed into my inner self. They are not exactly asked to be part of my supposedly fun activities. For example, lately, any movie I want to watch, I watch alone, occasionally with a friend, but mostly alone. Why do I do that? Because I picked up the habit of watching movies with the ex and now I can't stop myself. I'll watch whatever's good on the cinemas and just feel content watching it on my own. It's so addictive I just do it naturally.
Until a friend I met while walking around alone waiting for the next showing asked me why I'd do such a thing.
I was stunned and I've forgotten. But somehow I knew and what the friend said struck me. I was trying to avoid him. Avoid remembering what was it like having a companion next to you just sharing the same enthusiasm you have for movies. Heck, he was just oozing of enthusiasm whenever the movies are around unlike me. I caught the movie bug soon after. Now? I just cannot imagine my life without them. And to combat that, I use loneliness to stop myself from remembering what was it like to be held in the cold of the cinema room and able to discuss storylines in whispers. My first kiss was also stolen from me in the cinema by him.
Now that it's been eight months since the break up and it took me this long to admit that nobody is going to be forgotten. I have to learn to accept the fact that he'll always be on my mind, and that I have to be honest with my future partner that there is no way a three year relationship can vanish in front of his eyes as he sees fit, not like how I try to call myself the first girlfriend even though technically the ex had two really weirded out relationships before. All I pray for is a better, more compatible person standing right beside me and telling me what the previous relationship did was help me grow and not make me bitter or resentful about anything at all.
Indeed, if it wasn't for the ex, will I ever step out to make drastic changes to my life as I see it now? And that somehow, my vision grew to become more positive but maintain its realist views on the world and societies? I'm at the in-betweens now on dating. Maybe I'm ready for it and maybe I won't. It's too hard to tell until I actually met someone to go out with. And just now, just that moment as I sat with my friends, ogling at the sweaty boys come and go from the squash court, I felt like I need to grab one of them just to have a small chat and see the sparks fly.
But again, that, I gotta leave to fate. All my boy toying imaginations, from an Eurasian that comes from Hong Kong, to imagining myself dating a pop star secretly, to hoping for a French-Japanese mix who still have his mother's blue eyes will come over and swept my feet away. Let me just melt in my own imagination la.
But there's always a special space for old dog and his new tricks. Maybe both of us will change for the better. Maybe when we can look at each other in the eye and talk and reconnect the dots. I won't have high hopes for that though. There's nothing to suggest that I will walk that path again.
Again, I'm leaving everything to fate. Since everything that's coming together, it's all fate, isn't it?
