Why do I make myself this busy? Am I afraid of searching for the abstract anymore?
It's funny that I ask this, because part of me being busy is about searching for these abstract unknowns. Like chasing philosophy, democracy and youth entitlement.
Whatever happened to chasing for my personal enjoyment? Love, lust, hatred, arts? They seemed so miniscule compared to the plans I'm chasing on right now.
I've been given an opportunity to be even busier than now. Still thinking whether should I accept it. After all, I thought it was my friend's idea, which turns out to be something her boss' idea. Is that even called a "recognition" of my talents? Moreover, will that even be breaching the contract? I think I need to talk it over.
Maybe I should ask those who had a full time job and still become councilors/local politicians. It must be tough on them, add on the marriage in their hands and wow, I can't imagine the burden.
I can't help but say I may have to say goodbye to pursuing personal happiness. Everything I'm doing is now group based. The only thing that's enriching and individualistic is my mind. I've never felt so alive, engaging in debates, getting to know people, listening to their views, counter them, listen again. One day, may I get to listen to the views who are really at the other end of the spectrum.
I saw the transformation of my Facebook page. A lot more political, a lot less personal. Thankfully I didn't portray any side swaying. Still not comfortable to portray myself as a leftist or a rightist. Thankfully I still maintain a centrist, but slowly moving to become a centre-left. I'm not even bothered to know what he's doing anymore. I figured, he probably won't care. And he probably wouldn't.
This slowdown made me think a lot on what I really want to do. What should I sacrifice if any, and can I continue pursuing a direction like this? I think I can, now that I'm a little more liberated and a little less cooped up. I never thought I could multitask but maybe that's because I had the lack of exercise, which caused my brain to shut down rapidly if I try to do more than one thing. Strangely that shut down hasn't occured ever since I started Yoga. But that's only my second month in practising. I'll need to wait somemore to see real change of results.
I guess I'm distressed because I want a boyfriend so badly so that once that pillar is settled, I can move on with my projects knowing he'll support me, especially when family support looks rather flimsy at the moment. But I can't force it. I have to accept the fact that I may marry late or not find a boyfriend ever.
Get past that wall, girl. I know you want to get married early, but this won't happen with you moping around. Might as well make your life more fulfilling instead of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming.
Yea, and I'm still busy.
