Of intense crushes

When I was 17 years old, I had a very very, really, shamelessly, intense crush on a boy. A boy who I will not see after the school is over, and 17 was the last schooling year. So I risk it all to tell him how much I like him, how much I love him, yet I don't understand what love is. It's just this very intense feeling of happiness when he's happy, and extreme sadness when I see him hurt. And in the end, for our prom night, he chose a dance partner that isn't me, and I spent the night dancing with a couple of friends who are single instead. I remember having really bad stomachache the next morning, must be my gut instinct feeling my pain as well.

Looking back, it looks stupid. I look stupid, because girls generally don't confess their feelings to boys. It's been 13 years since, and he's going to get married soon. I wish him all the best and I no longer have that intense feeling whenever I see him, only wishing anything but the best for him. Looking back, it's probably a good thing we are not a couple, because as it turns out, we have different life directions, we're not that compatible in a lot of ways.

Intense crushes tend to happen when I fall too seriously toward a boy or a man who does not reciprocate. It tends to happen when I find someone so compatible to me, or who cares for me unconditionally. I've cried for intense crushes because I fear he doesn't know I exist, that I can care for him, talk to him, make him feel better. I may look like a complete idiot for doing this to myself but I can't help being expressive.

Now, approaching the age of 30, I sort of get what love is. After all, I've gone through a relationship with someone whom I thought was it, that I was to settle down with him, even though at the end, I chose to break it off because I just outgrew that relationship and I didn't think I want to settle down with just one guy at the age of 22. Other people may be happy to have found the One, but I was just getting started and working in the society. I have other adventures to go through.

And what an adventure it has been. In my head, that is. I've gone through more mental issues than a normal person would, went through the worst of the worse and came back alive and screaming. I have a job and I have also started dating again. Dated a few guys and found that two of them are just. so. amazing.

And then I made the mistake of piling my emotions on one of them. Sigh.

Intense crushes are the worst. They bring out the worst in me and I don't know how to handle this until it's too late.

Sigh, I'll have to find a way to apologise to him for coming on so strong. He's fun and I don't want to ruin the moment by doing this to him. Hopefully he'll understand and won't avoid me.

But if he already got spooked off, I can only blame myself and move on. After all, intense crushes like this, they're not permanent.