I feel ashamed. But I have nowhere to confess to about this stupid-ass situation I'm in except for my blog, which is filled with goddamn spam. No real person will comment, maybe they'll read but probably will not comment.
I feel that my future is totally not in my hands at all. I have yet to have something to prove and now I don't have anything to prove until...forever.
I'm stuck, between getting this internship of a lifetime and being stuck with a newsdesk job for the rest of my life slogging my way writing propagandhas even before I could learn other newswriting techniques. Has people ever fucking wonder why I never do other things, like a second internship or other media camps even though I looked like I have the calibre to. Oh, that's right, this little pussy here is afraid of her mother!
My mother controls every aspect of my life even though my only choice was my choice of education! And EVEN then she sees the "good" side of working with The Star, The Sun, NST. Like I'm supposed to because even if I "hated" their politics, I can always opt for Metro or community news because it's relaxing enough and they pay well! She sees, the fucking pay. I really cringe everytime she talks about the monetary choices. I really don't feel like doing this.
I once interviewed the editor for Merdeka Review and she said that, if any, journalists in Malaysia are becoming like reporters. You report what you see, but you don't conduct research and not enough facts checking due to the limitations of time. After I've heard her, I became really afraid of putting my first step into Malaysian journalism. The moment I step in I definitely cannot pull back out. It's MY principles I'm going against here and I've been very strict about my principles in life. I can't just fucking BEND it because of MONEY!
Then I consulted my thesis supervisor and she said unless I don't plan to stay in Malaysia, I can always opt for Malaysiakini, because apparently from what she said, people who worked for the "other side" will be "blacklisted" by the "pro" side even if she has the right crediantials, and the problem will be I'm writing propagandha for the other side as well. Of course, this I cannot confirm since I only hear it from one person.
So where do I stand now? I'm stuck with lesser than perfect technical skills and writing skills, I hope to improve it while doing this internship but my mother's telling me to see other options because who knows??? Who knows that I'll get dragged into this sordid hole of a working life despite what I (don't) know eh?
I'm really a weakling for not being capable of standing even against my mother and even my supervisor "advised" me that I should move out of the country as soon as possible so that I could finally, in her own words, "break the bond and unleash your real potential".
But how? HOW? When I can't even make it through the first step?
I've been asking around for advise because the internship does not pay. Yes, does not pay, as this is how it is for interns from the Western media. Now you see why I call it the internship of a lifetime. One friend suggested tutoring, others say, they cannot help me at all. Reason? My internship time is so flexible even I cannot determine a time to dedicate myself to working a 9am-5pm part-time or something and they just don't see why I should take the internship. I could be on-call 24/7 and it does not provide any pay for the time and effort used on it.
But why do I insist? Because I've attended the interview and I could sense that we can work together. Plus, she's not really a fraud since my supervisor has seen her on television. The only thing is that they think it's cheap labour since I will only get reimbursements of my expenses.
TRUE, it's cheap labour, I get it, I'm working cheap. But don't anyone see that I do NOT, repeat: DO NOT want to start working until I'm confident that I've learnt enough?? And this internship is just fucking staring into my face giving me a choice to learn somemore and what issit everyone else see? MONEY, because, the law of survival says degree holders should be aiming for money already for their first job. Not an internship. Which is ironic considering the internship requires the people to have newsroom experience which is something I've gained and that I have time to consider a second internship, AFTER completing my studies.
And now, I'm stuck, because in 3 weeks' time I'm going to fucking send my resumes to places I wasn't even sure if I can be happy working due to my mother who wasn't supportive because the media apparently is not what she think it is! GODDAMNIT!!
Tell me now, is it wrong to think this way? Is it wrong to learn somemore before I chase my dreams?
Now I'm in a moral dilemma that I cannot escape from, and I need help.
I don't want to continue my life living under my mother's!!
The Fushigi Yuuki Lesson
Posted by
cDi
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I'm a self professed anime geek as a child. The pre-dead dad days of 13 when Astro's AXN was showing this really promising anime called Fushigi Yuuki, or the English name The Mysterious Play. I couldn't stop watching despite having Dad yelling at me or I refuse to budge from completing the last minute homework. Good thing I was in afternoon school too, becasue they always have repeats in the morning when my whole family was watching Hong Kong series every 8pm when the episodes of Fushigi Yuuki premieres.
It's a story about these two schoolgirls, Miaka and Yui who are the best of friends, stumbled across this legendary book (sorry if I don't know the name, memory's fuzzy. It's been 9 years). And unknowingly got stuck in Ancient Fictional LAnd (I'd say China. But that's just me) and struggles to get back to their own world. They discovered in horror that they were both female maidens that could call upon supreme beings that protect the very land of two separate tribes:- Suzaku and Seiryuu.
I don't want to dwell too much into the story because it was long. I only finished watching it after my father passed away. Yeah, it was that long lol. But that anime taught me a few things about human relationships and strangely, sexuality.
For one, the schoolgirls are both targets of lecherous inside the book world because as maidens of the supreme being, they are virgins, therefore making their powers pure (sensing the irony?). The trouble is that Miaka is err......highly aroused by falling in love with one of her warriors Tamahome. She tries offering to him plenty, and I really mean PLENTY of times. What with the accidental boob showing (always to the warrior, not to the audience, don't worry), the seductions, the long extensive makeout sessions, you'd think it's not content that should be watched by a 13 year-old. But I did, stood there, sincerely hoping some much needed "action" to be taken by the guy since the girl OFFERED herself so many freaking times, and the warrior never took it. That's such a man.
But it does not stop other guys who tries to take that away though. So it's an adventure itself: Protecting virginity from others while controlling one's self desire. Because the moment you enter the canal, you deplete her pure powers. (I'm trying not to make it a pun. Honest).
Another revolves around two people actually: Hotohori and Nuriko. Hotohori, despite being the king of the land of Suzaku, is a narcissist. He loves his image a lot, and often profess to be the land's most beautiful man. Nuriko is a man who cross dresses as a woman since young in memory of his dead sister. Poor Miaka had to dip in the pool with Nuriko because she did NOT realised she was a HE. And Nuriko is in love with Hotohori, and also in a friendly rivalry with Miaka because she/he kissed Tamahome. Hilarity ensues of course.
One thing is that I realised they are very comfortable at portraying different sexual personalities. It was certainly a mind blowing experience for me. But I'm impressed at how open Miaka is to sexually express herself to that one guy. She loves him, so she wants to have sex with him. Or maybe because she might leave the book world soon, but that was one striking example I admire about her. It did challenge my thinking later about viewing a female's virginity later on. Some judgmental people may just call her a slut for being so openly expressive about her love for someone, but it left a deep imprint in my head on how I see a guy the next time I fell in love with someone.
And it's with this anime I start to know about the different sexual personalities, like a man who freely falls for another man, a man who's not shy to fall in love with his looks. It's astounding, mind blowing, and at the same time, it was because of this kickstart I was comfortable by the time I actually see guys like them, if I ever see any.
Maybe some of you may say it was rather inappropriate that I was exposed to such lessons at a young age. But when then, will we learn to see the exploration of other sexualities and perhaps doubt ourselves to learn acceptance over such personalities? I've seen a few sexualities in friends, and sometimes I do wonder if I like both sides. But I definitely learnt that a girl should not shy away from expressing how much she loves someone, as do it will be her choice if she wants to give away her virginity and not for others to judge.
Sadly, I'm not without any barriers. Not going to elaborate here ;). I'm just good, open-minded enough.
That's the end of my Fushigi Yuuki lesson. Ciao.
Some maybe a little judgmental over how I receive my lessons, whether it's through storybooks, television or movies, when in the past people always say "oh you must read a book to receive knowledge". Well, I'm not the past, I'm the present, and yes, I do get my lessons from watching anime and Youtube, or reading a blog post online. It's just the way I take things nowadays, not just books. Thank you. Ciao
It's a story about these two schoolgirls, Miaka and Yui who are the best of friends, stumbled across this legendary book (sorry if I don't know the name, memory's fuzzy. It's been 9 years). And unknowingly got stuck in Ancient Fictional LAnd (I'd say China. But that's just me) and struggles to get back to their own world. They discovered in horror that they were both female maidens that could call upon supreme beings that protect the very land of two separate tribes:- Suzaku and Seiryuu.
I don't want to dwell too much into the story because it was long. I only finished watching it after my father passed away. Yeah, it was that long lol. But that anime taught me a few things about human relationships and strangely, sexuality.
For one, the schoolgirls are both targets of lecherous inside the book world because as maidens of the supreme being, they are virgins, therefore making their powers pure (sensing the irony?). The trouble is that Miaka is err......highly aroused by falling in love with one of her warriors Tamahome. She tries offering to him plenty, and I really mean PLENTY of times. What with the accidental boob showing (always to the warrior, not to the audience, don't worry), the seductions, the long extensive makeout sessions, you'd think it's not content that should be watched by a 13 year-old. But I did, stood there, sincerely hoping some much needed "action" to be taken by the guy since the girl OFFERED herself so many freaking times, and the warrior never took it. That's such a man.
But it does not stop other guys who tries to take that away though. So it's an adventure itself: Protecting virginity from others while controlling one's self desire. Because the moment you enter the canal, you deplete her pure powers. (I'm trying not to make it a pun. Honest).
Another revolves around two people actually: Hotohori and Nuriko. Hotohori, despite being the king of the land of Suzaku, is a narcissist. He loves his image a lot, and often profess to be the land's most beautiful man. Nuriko is a man who cross dresses as a woman since young in memory of his dead sister. Poor Miaka had to dip in the pool with Nuriko because she did NOT realised she was a HE. And Nuriko is in love with Hotohori, and also in a friendly rivalry with Miaka because she/he kissed Tamahome. Hilarity ensues of course.
One thing is that I realised they are very comfortable at portraying different sexual personalities. It was certainly a mind blowing experience for me. But I'm impressed at how open Miaka is to sexually express herself to that one guy. She loves him, so she wants to have sex with him. Or maybe because she might leave the book world soon, but that was one striking example I admire about her. It did challenge my thinking later about viewing a female's virginity later on. Some judgmental people may just call her a slut for being so openly expressive about her love for someone, but it left a deep imprint in my head on how I see a guy the next time I fell in love with someone.
And it's with this anime I start to know about the different sexual personalities, like a man who freely falls for another man, a man who's not shy to fall in love with his looks. It's astounding, mind blowing, and at the same time, it was because of this kickstart I was comfortable by the time I actually see guys like them, if I ever see any.
Maybe some of you may say it was rather inappropriate that I was exposed to such lessons at a young age. But when then, will we learn to see the exploration of other sexualities and perhaps doubt ourselves to learn acceptance over such personalities? I've seen a few sexualities in friends, and sometimes I do wonder if I like both sides. But I definitely learnt that a girl should not shy away from expressing how much she loves someone, as do it will be her choice if she wants to give away her virginity and not for others to judge.
Sadly, I'm not without any barriers. Not going to elaborate here ;). I'm just good, open-minded enough.
That's the end of my Fushigi Yuuki lesson. Ciao.
Some maybe a little judgmental over how I receive my lessons, whether it's through storybooks, television or movies, when in the past people always say "oh you must read a book to receive knowledge". Well, I'm not the past, I'm the present, and yes, I do get my lessons from watching anime and Youtube, or reading a blog post online. It's just the way I take things nowadays, not just books. Thank you. Ciao
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