Weakling

I feel ashamed. But I have nowhere to confess to about this stupid-ass situation I'm in except for my blog, which is filled with goddamn spam. No real person will comment, maybe they'll read but probably will not comment.

I feel that my future is totally not in my hands at all. I have yet to have something to prove and now I don't have anything to prove until...forever.

I'm stuck, between getting this internship of a lifetime and being stuck with a newsdesk job for the rest of my life slogging my way writing propagandhas even before I could learn other newswriting techniques. Has people ever fucking wonder why I never do other things, like a second internship or other media camps even though I looked like I have the calibre to. Oh, that's right, this little pussy here is afraid of her mother!

My mother controls every aspect of my life even though my only choice was my choice of education! And EVEN then she sees the "good" side of working with The Star, The Sun, NST. Like I'm supposed to because even if I "hated" their politics, I can always opt for Metro or community news because it's relaxing enough and they pay well! She sees, the fucking pay. I really cringe everytime she talks about the monetary choices. I really don't feel like doing this.

I once interviewed the editor for Merdeka Review and she said that, if any, journalists in Malaysia are becoming like reporters. You report what you see, but you don't conduct research and not enough facts checking due to the limitations of time. After I've heard her, I became really afraid of putting my first step into Malaysian journalism. The moment I step in I definitely cannot pull back out. It's MY principles I'm going against here and I've been very strict about my principles in life. I can't just fucking BEND it because of MONEY!

Then I consulted my thesis supervisor and she said unless I don't plan to stay in Malaysia, I can always opt for Malaysiakini, because apparently from what she said, people who worked for the "other side" will be "blacklisted" by the "pro" side even if she has the right crediantials, and the problem will be I'm writing propagandha for the other side as well. Of course, this I cannot confirm since I only hear it from one person.

So where do I stand now? I'm stuck with lesser than perfect technical skills and writing skills, I hope to improve it while doing this internship but my mother's telling me to see other options because who knows??? Who knows that I'll get dragged into this sordid hole of a working life despite what I (don't) know eh?

I'm really a weakling for not being capable of standing even against my mother and even my supervisor "advised" me that I should move out of the country as soon as possible so that I could finally, in her own words, "break the bond and unleash your real potential".

But how? HOW? When I can't even make it through the first step?

I've been asking around for advise because the internship does not pay. Yes, does not pay, as this is how it is for interns from the Western media. Now you see why I call it the internship of a lifetime. One friend suggested tutoring, others say, they cannot help me at all. Reason? My internship time is so flexible even I cannot determine a time to dedicate myself to working a 9am-5pm part-time or something and they just don't see why I should take the internship. I could be on-call 24/7 and it does not provide any pay for the time and effort used on it.

But why do I insist? Because I've attended the interview and I could sense that we can work together. Plus, she's not really a fraud since my supervisor has seen her on television. The only thing is that they think it's cheap labour since I will only get reimbursements of my expenses.

TRUE, it's cheap labour, I get it, I'm working cheap. But don't anyone see that I do NOT, repeat: DO NOT want to start working until I'm confident that I've learnt enough?? And this internship is just fucking staring into my face giving me a choice to learn somemore and what issit everyone else see? MONEY, because, the law of survival says degree holders should be aiming for money already for their first job. Not an internship. Which is ironic considering the internship requires the people to have newsroom experience which is something I've gained and that I have time to consider a second internship, AFTER completing my studies.

And now, I'm stuck, because in 3 weeks' time I'm going to fucking send my resumes to places I wasn't even sure if I can be happy working due to my mother who wasn't supportive because the media apparently is not what she think it is! GODDAMNIT!!

Tell me now, is it wrong to think this way? Is it wrong to learn somemore before I chase my dreams?

Now I'm in a moral dilemma that I cannot escape from, and I need help.

I don't want to continue my life living under my mother's!!