Fickle

I've made a decision not to treat myself so seriously in terms of Internet presence per se. Pretty much a self-discovery for me after a few turns of looking at my Twitter, Facebook, Blog and Tumblr. Bear with me here, I'm going to talk about this self-discovery and the good thing about it. It's narcissistic.

In 2006, the purpose of me having this channel was to "let my views be known". Of course, that was back in the days when socio-political stances are pretty strong and when people actually opened up the blog for a reason.

I treated myself so seriously at that time, shaping myself as a "anonymous" character that cares about the current events of the world. The youth who is not apolitical or apathetic. I've made some pretty good arguments, not strong (I'm never extreme), but reasonable enough to allow people to accept my views. Of course, after that I began to engage in some arguments (over the internet) with other "bloggers" per se, and got cheesed off when they kept harping on the same issue over and over again without looking at us (hey hey, hello, I just put my comment there, maybe if you bothered to read it you get my point???)

I guess as a student I was bored and passionate enough, having all the time in the world to care about what's going on with the universe.......bear with me here, imaginative cue on......that I would be the voice of my own, to sound off the adults, to lay some serious bombs over their pretentious claims, to double up as a media shield and called myself the fighter of media freedom. Not to mention that my views were so huge, friends read my blog, they praised it; if they don't like it, they'll make a comment down there, providing with me arguments. All in a day's work of a blogger.

Now here's the thing.

I started the phase called "growing up", and in that phase I started become concerned with things like, privacy, offence. I used to be very critical of The Star for their many mistakes and intentional bias to the ruling party, so much that I'd posted the links and then laughed at them on Facebook. I happened to have one Facebook friend who was working there and I was always hoping it'll trigger a response and then hopefully they'll start caring about what public views are about their newspaper.

But the fact is, most people will still carry on that kind of policy, and the only way out of it is to get out of the newspaper and work somewhere else. Strange, harsh reality I've learnt that is not something lecturers or classmates bother to tell you unless you seek consultation with them. And I began to wonder if these thoughts are necessary to be put online. What more, when my own Facebook circle started to widen and more people are looking into my profile. It's no longer a friend circle, but one network filled with lecturers, friends, people who add me because they've seen me in work, many.

And slowly, but surely, I withdraw my opinions and thoughts, merely placing all the things that made me, me. Kooky stuff like funny URLs, sharing articles, or just plain talking about my feelings. But no more on what I thought about politics, or the media, or things that really concerned me.

You may say, I've turned fickle-minded in the presence of the Internet. I still talk about it in private, and unfortunately not many people is capable of talking to me in the same way anymore. Since I've no longer have a boyfriend, I guess everything I say falls on deaf ears. Some times I acted like a real bimbo and just talk about what everyone talks about. Movies, music, because who's going to listen to my unnecessary nagging of politics? Hell, I haven't had time to read through all the political analysis to make a good judgement out of a political issue compared to my times as a student.

Here's the reason why I think I turn fickle-minded. Bear in mind, it's just my theory.

1) The existence of old people in the Internet. I always think that is a good reason why I suddenly despised the Internet. It's enough I have the old people nagging about their theories when I'm home, I have to listen to some bunch of old people terrorising the Internet with their incessant behaviour? Yes, I do realised that having more Internet penetration to a wider crowd is a good thing and you give the old people something else to do. Maybe I'm a populist but the sudden new age group crowding the Internet kind of put me off guard. Especially when I see friends who cursed on Facebook, only to get their mother's sounding, inside Facebook! Geez. Luckily I only have relatives with me so far, but even then I've toned down a lot compared to early days of Facebook where I cursed like no business.

2) Because even if you consider your comment as something serious, someone else don't. Too many times I tried to play the "mature" game and came out with a reasonable comment, only to have some mindfuck (doesn't matter male or female) that decides to trash your comment by insulting you just because they think it's funny to see people going angry over them. Sometimes it's the bloggers themselves that are pretty unreasonable. A valid argument's there, they don't want to read it, and then proceed to argue with me again about how they're right. Sigh, I'd rather keep those comments to myself. And again, back to self reflection, I realised throughout the years the "maturity" personality just wouldn't do. People love bimbos and himbos. No point taking myself so seriously, when no one will right?

3) One word. Work. It took out too much of my time that I will not make any comments on current events unless I've read up on all the articles relevant to it because I don't want to make bad judgments.

And one thing, I noticed that when Malaysians go on the internet, they want to relax and catch up on news. Two things will definitely sell: One, Relevant News, Two, the Funnies. So where does political opinion come in?

Err, way back in 2008 when it was relevant. With the new ways of communication, and when everyone wants to have a say, everything's saturated and indeed, no longer fun to read unless he or she is a politician relevant. No, I don't even read celebrities, or fake celebrities, they are the worst with spitting out irrelevant information that I don't care about.

So what does it leave me in the Internet arena? Back to doing what young people do best, fickle-minded people who think of food, getting drunk, in love with music or sex all the time. My work persona was for my boss to see, my friend persona for my friends, my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr persona for different purposes of my Internet journey. No longer concentrating on just "blogging", I guess it's all a standstill. Until a time when I'm needed to put on my matured self on board again, I'm laying it to rest.

So sorry if you expected something like a commentary of a current issue since I'm now a journalist. I guess it's getting harder to even talk about it while being in the media itself.