Trippy Happy. Fuck Yeah. Fall Hard.

I get happy so easily these days.

Just a picture, music, some cup of brownish goodness whether it's iced chocolate or iced coffee. I smile so easily, it's infectious that people look at me, smile, and instantly smile back.

Damn, I'm like that happy kiddy Chuckles the Clown from Toy Story 3 who's actually mopey and sad inside because I definitely don't look like a trippy happy kid.

Then again, maybe I should just embrace it. It's easy to show someone your happy face, then to explain the sorrows you go through, only to be snubbed at and said "your problem's just the smallest shit I've ever heard in my life,". Okay, some might not put it that way but I'm just saying.

"Time to suck it up and take it like an adult," a friend used to say. No point moping about it to people, lest you want to be remembered as an annoyance amongst a bunch of people who are not familiar with you in the first place.

Nowadays, my stressful moments are easily elevated with reading and looking through the amazing things that people share on Tumblr. Nah, not Facebook, eww, my personal circle sometimes just lack the taste of sharing artsy moments, and sometimes it's purely to avoid my current employer, since his imagination can run wild just based on what I post on Facebook.

I've seen awesome Malaysians who shared the same kind of perverted energy (ehehehehehe) and inspiring articles which truthfully, opened up my mind more than any reading material I've found in Malaysia. Some quirky little things that are shared by my current favourite American musician, Patrick Stump, on his thoughts about fashion, animation, some a capella videos (I love it when you do the "Scream" part of the Michael Jackson a capella!). Just recently I've found Wil Wheaton, whom I don't really remember from Star Trek The Next Generation DESPITE it being one of the more memorable TV series that I've watched and only recently seen him in The Big Bang Theory, his quotes, writings equally leave me grabbing for more of his stuff.

I love it when they say Tumblr is based in New York, because to me, New York is like the city of art that I'd like to go through, not really LA. I guess I prefer metropolitans than glitzy glamourous beachside.

Stupid imaginative things like these made my day at these time and age. My mind always go through "media explosion" every time I go through Tumblr. I love love love all the talented and artsy shit that goes through there.

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I gotta admit, I wish I was dating. No, not serious relationship-esque dating. But, dating, just, meeting someone, chat with him, hit off with electric sparks, that kind of shit.

But as Malaysians we, tend to err, view dating as serious business after awhile, and wants to get serious so there will be a demand of "will you be committed with me or not?".

Mine started off like that actually, we don't set any ground rules, except for mine which is no soft toys and flowers yada yada yada, and before I know it four years gone by. I was supposed to celebrate the fourth year this year, but, ah heck, I broke it off because when it's time to be committed, it cannot be.

My choice of men have been faltering between the talented, intelligent to the super talented and super intelligent. Of course, we all do, mine's more focused on people who excel in art, like, theatre, drawings, music, writings, movies. So I'm not just drawn to Patrick Stump (who really, really captured my eye after his hiatus from Fall Out Boy. And no, I was never Pete Wentz' fangirl), James Franco, Brendon Urie, Conor Knighton (yum), maybe a little bit of Mark Zuckerberg but not much since I don't know him well enough. Eye candies, err, pretty much everywhere, but real talented eye candies, tough to find, tough to gain followers, and really really easy to chew on. Mmm.

I can see why some girls are turn on to Julian Assange. The cyberpunk of the Internet. Despite how he looks, he draws in an odd charisma that probably set some girls off. I've read the leaked testimonials and police reports and I feel that the two girls he met were not stupid girls. They are just not. And the fact is, men and women need some sort of sexual relationship just that you just don't stay committed to each other for further prospects like marriage.

So yes, I don't appreciate being in this side of the continent where dating can mean serious business, sometimes I just want to be involved in purely "play with hearts, don't take into heart" kind of dates. Maybe I've yet to find my path to a good prospective target to move, or that I'm too slow in reading some messages guys tend to give out.

And sometimes, just purely letting my brain right lobe do the tricks and I'm falling into a pool of imagination where I wish I was canoodling with the kind of guy I want to meet. It may sound pathetic, but judging from my line of work and the kind of guys I meet and don't meet? I'd say it's pretty plausible to let me go wild in imagination instead of docilely waiting for some dude to pass by.

Fuck yeah.

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I wish I wasn't here. In this country.

Not for the reasons everyone's thinking. I don't plan to migrate. I just want to work in another country for the experience.

True, I may get the some kind of experience here. I have been, just by working in a small newspaper. But I hate it. I hate that, everytime there's a conversation, people will talk about their experience overseas, and how they are heartened and humbled by those experiences, that they decide to bring it back to Malaysia.

I'd really loved that, an experience abroad, and with it, the capability of bringing it back to Malaysia. I can't do it from the small turf of my home.

Call me petty and unreasonable, but you try churning out good stuff living in a house ranging from the old to the sick to the noisy to the young who can't seem to use his legs now that both his sisters are driving. And unfortunately I can't even rent a freaking room all by myself with the kind of pay I'm getting. Maybe I aspire to go outstation. I really hate it when I'm in a family structure where I can't talk it out with the elders without getting cynical or sacarstic feedbacks from them. They are not supportive. Sigh, I guess venturing on my own seem like a good choice.

I don't know how I feel it, but recently some people are kind of purposely trying to seek an argument with me by being nasty and snide for no reason at all. What the fuck mate. I'd get it if you have a valid reason, but if you snub me just because you like it I swear, you won't like me by the time I'm done saying all the truthful shit about you.

I've been rising and falling hard. It's like, something is trying to tell me, I really cannot be here. I'm not meant to stay in Subang Jaya, and honestly? I don't want to be here again unless I get to buy my own residential spot in Subang Jaya.

I don't know, maybe I'm tired of staying with my mother or with a bunch of people when I don't get privacy (I've been talking about it too many times). Unlike many Malaysians who are okay with that, I'm just tired. Tired, sick of the everyday drama. And her obligatory "diss the eldest child" movement still stands strong every Chinese New Year. Why do parents do that? Seriously?

And no, don't tell me to talk to her, I have, and it doesn't register in her, so be it. I need to go.

I'm just waiting for the right time to. And until then, I'll still be rising and falling hard in this little career. But it's okay.

Because if you fall, you better fall really hard, remember the pain, remember the frustration, remember how much humiliation you go through just to secure a person for a story. I have, and I'm partially immuned when someone throws me an accusation. I said partially, because I still fight back when someone tries to be nasty when I'm not in the mood to entertain them.