Grasp
Posted by
cDi
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Clench, relax. Grip, relax. Struggle, relax. Stretch, relax. Clinch, relax. Claw, relax. Touch, relax. Wriggle, relax. Crack, relax. Reach, relax. Out of reach. Ventilate. Getting further. Hyperventilate. Unreachable. Claw protuding. Aiming. Relax, failed. Claw aiming, at neck. Marking. Scratch. Tear. Pull. Blood showing. Nerves reacting. Pain. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Claw stops. Look down. Bloodsoaked. Last Breath. Lifeless. Invisible hand. Grasps life. Slipped. Heavens sighed.
Banterful rant
Posted by
cDi
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I remembered the time I whipped out my Blackberry, only to take a black and white picture of the side of the swimming pool while my media camp friends were enjoying the time of their lives.
I whipped it out again just to have a look, just to post it on my Tumblr, with the quotes "I missed the time before I know my entire life is about to change".
I seriously had no idea that it will give me such an impact in my life, months and months after that media camp happened. A year ago, at this time, I'm rushing my thesis, my final year project. Now, I'm rushing through my articles, which piled up when I were into a complete blur and only occasionally writing my stuff and deciding, sentence by sentence, how it's going to sound like.
The transitions I have were just buzz crazy. First, an infathomable crush on Patrick Stump, then it switched to James Franco, then to John Frusciante (oh I really lust for young John Frusciante!! The time before he succumbed to heroin and emerged again, awesome and musically talented. So youthful, so handsome, so age compatible!!!), and now bouncing off and balancing between Thom Yorke, Florence and the Machine, and Muse. Every musical discovery is a discovery for me. And before I know it, I'm now a sucker for non-mainstream music that you probably CANNOT find in mainstream radio (Hate you, Malaysian radio. Yay for BFM, especially its 33RPM segment. I Love Rock!)
It is also these times that I actually spend so much time alone, in front of the computer, just cruising in the interwebs, searching for songs after songs, and occasionally doing my work, or even catching movies alone. I've been rejecting my friends' invitation to meet up and have some socialising fun. From telling them I was busy (I was, until recently), to finally just saying "Y'know, I'm kinda comfortable being alone at the moment. I'd like this to keep on until my job's over. Lets try meeting up once I've quit my job,"
I know I'm abit like a loner at the moment. Doing everything on my own, hating my mom for her nagging (and negative conversation starters. It's like she can't say something nice for us to respond). I think I'm scaring plenty of people off. And I've become secluded from Facebook and more active on Twitter only because of one person. Well, I don't have to see that person anymore after I'm done with this bullshit. Looking forward to that.
I wonder how different my life would be really. Did I miss the ex? I can't tell. I've stopped listening to songs we used to listen to after I've been bouncing off the more indie music scene (which, by the way, isn't a solo effort >_> I have a lot of prompting from another friend). Do I yearn for a comforting hug or someone who'd be there for me at 5 or 6am in the morning while I do my work? Yes, sometimes.
There's no denying to that. And of course, I did express jealousy to my friends who were able to bounce back to the dating scene so quick after their break up, but I guess bouncing back so fast isn't really my style. Not because I'm not over the relationship, just, I don't know, nothing clicked, nothing clicked between me and the other guy. Although there was this one chance for me to get to know more guys and I blew it by saying I had to have dinner at home. Sigh. But I was, at that time, still a little confused following the death of my grandmother of what my direction is, that I'd rather holed up at this place called "home" than go out to meet new boys who can be my potential partner.
Previously, my grandmother was supposed to be the reason I want to get out of here. And now that she's gone, it was a better reason to get out. Not because I loathe doing house chores around now that my maid's gone (On the contrary, it stopped my mother from talking shit about me not helping around anymore), but, it's that emptiness felt in the house. I'm talking about, a house that used to fill 7 to 8 people because my mother wants her parents to stay with us from the day I was born. And slowly, one by one, from my father, to grandfather, to grandmother, they left us, and now it's just the four of us + one cousin.
Is this a good reason for me to venture out and find my own career direction, not to mention getting a better fulfilment of my life? I'd say, hells yea, finally I can get my private space and all that crap I've been yearning for. Am I scared shitless about taking that first step? Yes, yes, definitely. I don't like the idea of throwing all my money down the drain without even checking how deep that drain is. I'd still like to pick my money up from the drain thank you very much, even if I did decide to throw it in, in the very first place.
Life isn't easy these days. In fact, life is fucking confusing. But I don't have anyone to share it with. Who'd understand? Who is in that same state of confusion? And I don't feel like listening to irrelevant banter about how I can stand up again and face the obstacles, like I've did again and again and again. Lets face it, it ain't the year 2001, when it looked obvious that I suffered more than the rest of people my age because my dad died. It's the year 2011 now. Every single person has their own shit to bear, it's not like my shit's any worse than theirs. I love my friends for trying to free up space so that I'm considered an important element in their lives, but thanks and no thanks. I know how you need to live yours. You don't have to worry about me. Like I said, I was pretty much good being alone. I have music as my company.
In my Tumblr blog, I mentioned on how I might find happiness by attending MGMT's concert. But now I'm not sure if that will happen anymore. Who am I kidding when I tell people I might find potential boyfriends just by being there alone? Who am I kidding really? My music inclination's been the joke of my family because it's "freaking weird", because I've been doing things alone (well I used my money, what the fuck they want?). SIGH!
Of course I've been dreaming about it, on and off, of seeing this boy I really like, preferably a mixed, with earrings and tattoos and a perfect smile. He must like me for me, and we can talk about music, movies, art all day long. He must be able to speak Mandarin and Cantonese because I'd like to speak that language once in awhile. He won't diss my politics, in fact, he's active in current issues and we'd spend all day just debating about policies and debunking each other's misconceptions about something. He'd also be sly in making his appearances, and just giving me surprises day by day, and I'd return the favour by writing different styles of notes telling him how much I yearn being with him. He'll be a humble man who doesn't mind showing off his talents. It'd be good if he has some John Frusciante traits. I'd squeal!!!
That said, dreams are sometimes just pleasant endorphins released to the brain to make me feel really good. I noticed that every time I want something, God just gives it to me either very late, or it was the opposite. And yes, again, true, God, I did not go to the MGMT concert to meet boys. It was to have fun with the music and just hang out and head bang to their psychedelic goodness. Which reminds me: Two Days Left! Yay! Will I get any happy endings? I don't know, will let you know if my John Frusciante + James Franco + Patrick Stump showed up yea?
Am I happy with my self-discovery? Yes, so far so good. At least, I'm happy. Confused as fuck, but happy. Tremendously happy in fact, that I get to go on this journey, and alone this time. That I can finally emerged from hiding under the shadows of somebody else. That I'm now considered an equal individual, and not labelled as "so and so's girlfriend".
I think this is what I'm afraid of. What if, by dating again, he overshadows my taste for music, movies and art? Will I let the future partner do it like what I let my ex did to me? I doubt it. This time I'd stood my ground and say "listen to the fucking radio. There's no 'your song selections' or 'my song selections' when we're in the car". I'd be fucking lucky if I get someone my age who likes rock in this day and age. Seriously.
But then and again, as I listen to young John Frusciante strumming "Under the Bridge", I'm reminded of the innocence of us youths, that we can do anything possible under the roof, that we lived and let live. That the continuous dynamics shifting from one interest to another so fast, poof, another decade gone and we did not realised the changes until much later.
That, usually at this time, when schoolchildren prepare to go to school. I'm still wide awake, finding my life's direction. I'm yearning, yearning for a sign for me to keep on going my path I believed in, even though I can't make out that path just yet. At least the discovery has been fun so far.
Till the next verbal diarrhea kick in, I wish all my well wishers a happy and satisfying life. I know you're worried. Don't worry, I'm well. I just need the alone time, the reflective time, to really skewer my life choices. Eitherway though, my mistakes were beautiful, because if it wasn't for those mistakes, I wouldn't be the person you know.
I whipped it out again just to have a look, just to post it on my Tumblr, with the quotes "I missed the time before I know my entire life is about to change".
I seriously had no idea that it will give me such an impact in my life, months and months after that media camp happened. A year ago, at this time, I'm rushing my thesis, my final year project. Now, I'm rushing through my articles, which piled up when I were into a complete blur and only occasionally writing my stuff and deciding, sentence by sentence, how it's going to sound like.
The transitions I have were just buzz crazy. First, an infathomable crush on Patrick Stump, then it switched to James Franco, then to John Frusciante (oh I really lust for young John Frusciante!! The time before he succumbed to heroin and emerged again, awesome and musically talented. So youthful, so handsome, so age compatible!!!), and now bouncing off and balancing between Thom Yorke, Florence and the Machine, and Muse. Every musical discovery is a discovery for me. And before I know it, I'm now a sucker for non-mainstream music that you probably CANNOT find in mainstream radio (Hate you, Malaysian radio. Yay for BFM, especially its 33RPM segment. I Love Rock!)
It is also these times that I actually spend so much time alone, in front of the computer, just cruising in the interwebs, searching for songs after songs, and occasionally doing my work, or even catching movies alone. I've been rejecting my friends' invitation to meet up and have some socialising fun. From telling them I was busy (I was, until recently), to finally just saying "Y'know, I'm kinda comfortable being alone at the moment. I'd like this to keep on until my job's over. Lets try meeting up once I've quit my job,"
I know I'm abit like a loner at the moment. Doing everything on my own, hating my mom for her nagging (and negative conversation starters. It's like she can't say something nice for us to respond). I think I'm scaring plenty of people off. And I've become secluded from Facebook and more active on Twitter only because of one person. Well, I don't have to see that person anymore after I'm done with this bullshit. Looking forward to that.
I wonder how different my life would be really. Did I miss the ex? I can't tell. I've stopped listening to songs we used to listen to after I've been bouncing off the more indie music scene (which, by the way, isn't a solo effort >_> I have a lot of prompting from another friend). Do I yearn for a comforting hug or someone who'd be there for me at 5 or 6am in the morning while I do my work? Yes, sometimes.
There's no denying to that. And of course, I did express jealousy to my friends who were able to bounce back to the dating scene so quick after their break up, but I guess bouncing back so fast isn't really my style. Not because I'm not over the relationship, just, I don't know, nothing clicked, nothing clicked between me and the other guy. Although there was this one chance for me to get to know more guys and I blew it by saying I had to have dinner at home. Sigh. But I was, at that time, still a little confused following the death of my grandmother of what my direction is, that I'd rather holed up at this place called "home" than go out to meet new boys who can be my potential partner.
Previously, my grandmother was supposed to be the reason I want to get out of here. And now that she's gone, it was a better reason to get out. Not because I loathe doing house chores around now that my maid's gone (On the contrary, it stopped my mother from talking shit about me not helping around anymore), but, it's that emptiness felt in the house. I'm talking about, a house that used to fill 7 to 8 people because my mother wants her parents to stay with us from the day I was born. And slowly, one by one, from my father, to grandfather, to grandmother, they left us, and now it's just the four of us + one cousin.
Is this a good reason for me to venture out and find my own career direction, not to mention getting a better fulfilment of my life? I'd say, hells yea, finally I can get my private space and all that crap I've been yearning for. Am I scared shitless about taking that first step? Yes, yes, definitely. I don't like the idea of throwing all my money down the drain without even checking how deep that drain is. I'd still like to pick my money up from the drain thank you very much, even if I did decide to throw it in, in the very first place.
Life isn't easy these days. In fact, life is fucking confusing. But I don't have anyone to share it with. Who'd understand? Who is in that same state of confusion? And I don't feel like listening to irrelevant banter about how I can stand up again and face the obstacles, like I've did again and again and again. Lets face it, it ain't the year 2001, when it looked obvious that I suffered more than the rest of people my age because my dad died. It's the year 2011 now. Every single person has their own shit to bear, it's not like my shit's any worse than theirs. I love my friends for trying to free up space so that I'm considered an important element in their lives, but thanks and no thanks. I know how you need to live yours. You don't have to worry about me. Like I said, I was pretty much good being alone. I have music as my company.
In my Tumblr blog, I mentioned on how I might find happiness by attending MGMT's concert. But now I'm not sure if that will happen anymore. Who am I kidding when I tell people I might find potential boyfriends just by being there alone? Who am I kidding really? My music inclination's been the joke of my family because it's "freaking weird", because I've been doing things alone (well I used my money, what the fuck they want?). SIGH!
Of course I've been dreaming about it, on and off, of seeing this boy I really like, preferably a mixed, with earrings and tattoos and a perfect smile. He must like me for me, and we can talk about music, movies, art all day long. He must be able to speak Mandarin and Cantonese because I'd like to speak that language once in awhile. He won't diss my politics, in fact, he's active in current issues and we'd spend all day just debating about policies and debunking each other's misconceptions about something. He'd also be sly in making his appearances, and just giving me surprises day by day, and I'd return the favour by writing different styles of notes telling him how much I yearn being with him. He'll be a humble man who doesn't mind showing off his talents. It'd be good if he has some John Frusciante traits. I'd squeal!!!
That said, dreams are sometimes just pleasant endorphins released to the brain to make me feel really good. I noticed that every time I want something, God just gives it to me either very late, or it was the opposite. And yes, again, true, God, I did not go to the MGMT concert to meet boys. It was to have fun with the music and just hang out and head bang to their psychedelic goodness. Which reminds me: Two Days Left! Yay! Will I get any happy endings? I don't know, will let you know if my John Frusciante + James Franco + Patrick Stump showed up yea?
Am I happy with my self-discovery? Yes, so far so good. At least, I'm happy. Confused as fuck, but happy. Tremendously happy in fact, that I get to go on this journey, and alone this time. That I can finally emerged from hiding under the shadows of somebody else. That I'm now considered an equal individual, and not labelled as "so and so's girlfriend".
I think this is what I'm afraid of. What if, by dating again, he overshadows my taste for music, movies and art? Will I let the future partner do it like what I let my ex did to me? I doubt it. This time I'd stood my ground and say "listen to the fucking radio. There's no 'your song selections' or 'my song selections' when we're in the car". I'd be fucking lucky if I get someone my age who likes rock in this day and age. Seriously.
But then and again, as I listen to young John Frusciante strumming "Under the Bridge", I'm reminded of the innocence of us youths, that we can do anything possible under the roof, that we lived and let live. That the continuous dynamics shifting from one interest to another so fast, poof, another decade gone and we did not realised the changes until much later.
That, usually at this time, when schoolchildren prepare to go to school. I'm still wide awake, finding my life's direction. I'm yearning, yearning for a sign for me to keep on going my path I believed in, even though I can't make out that path just yet. At least the discovery has been fun so far.
Till the next verbal diarrhea kick in, I wish all my well wishers a happy and satisfying life. I know you're worried. Don't worry, I'm well. I just need the alone time, the reflective time, to really skewer my life choices. Eitherway though, my mistakes were beautiful, because if it wasn't for those mistakes, I wouldn't be the person you know.
Off Switch
Posted by
cDi
comments (0)
I wished there was one, to turn off my emotions, my animosities, my doubts, my long standing issue with work.
I have feelings too. And it's been affecting me. From a crazy follower of an actor I switched to listen to all those music I used to love to a point of addiction, developing withdrawal symptoms from it. Like I'm on crack. I guess I'm not kidding when I said before music is my drug.
I just drew a mock picture of a woman in distress. Not much, just a head with hairs, and two hands cupping the face. Surrounding her are the words "Shit", "Hurt", "Pain", "Depression". I just need to vent it out. I've got a headache developing. It's tiring arguing with some idiot who don't know he's the cause of it, and thinking, it's my domestic affairs. FUCK OFF will you, you sickening, narcissistic, thinking that you know it all, arrogant, fictitious BASTARD!
I just can't cope. I mean, it's easy to take a few hours off to not think about it, but you want to permanently shut it off. I know I have to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm a failure, and sometimes I think I'm like this because I don't dare to speak out. Well, now I did, and now I kept wondering what are my repercussions.
I'm glad, that I did, speak out, against that idiot. Whether or not he dismisses my outburst as a one time thing, I don't care. I did it. I'm proud of it.
The toughest thing now is how to express that pent up emotion inside. Crying wasn't helping. I couldn't even cry save for that few tears.
I don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't need help. Maybe I just hate being alone. Maybe I just cannot negotiate. I'm terrible at speaking to people because I always think I'll offend people, and then they cannot accept my views. My past is what traumatised me to unable myself to speak.
I even turned the music volume down now, because I can't cope with the loud noise. It's like a distant echo behind my head, the songs. If there were, stimulants, to bring me to fantasyland right now, it'd be perfect.
Well, time's up. I need to get back down to reality, slowly.
I really wish I have an off switch
I have feelings too. And it's been affecting me. From a crazy follower of an actor I switched to listen to all those music I used to love to a point of addiction, developing withdrawal symptoms from it. Like I'm on crack. I guess I'm not kidding when I said before music is my drug.
I just drew a mock picture of a woman in distress. Not much, just a head with hairs, and two hands cupping the face. Surrounding her are the words "Shit", "Hurt", "Pain", "Depression". I just need to vent it out. I've got a headache developing. It's tiring arguing with some idiot who don't know he's the cause of it, and thinking, it's my domestic affairs. FUCK OFF will you, you sickening, narcissistic, thinking that you know it all, arrogant, fictitious BASTARD!
I just can't cope. I mean, it's easy to take a few hours off to not think about it, but you want to permanently shut it off. I know I have to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm a failure, and sometimes I think I'm like this because I don't dare to speak out. Well, now I did, and now I kept wondering what are my repercussions.
I'm glad, that I did, speak out, against that idiot. Whether or not he dismisses my outburst as a one time thing, I don't care. I did it. I'm proud of it.
The toughest thing now is how to express that pent up emotion inside. Crying wasn't helping. I couldn't even cry save for that few tears.
I don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't need help. Maybe I just hate being alone. Maybe I just cannot negotiate. I'm terrible at speaking to people because I always think I'll offend people, and then they cannot accept my views. My past is what traumatised me to unable myself to speak.
I even turned the music volume down now, because I can't cope with the loud noise. It's like a distant echo behind my head, the songs. If there were, stimulants, to bring me to fantasyland right now, it'd be perfect.
Well, time's up. I need to get back down to reality, slowly.
I really wish I have an off switch
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