Off Switch

I wished there was one, to turn off my emotions, my animosities, my doubts, my long standing issue with work.

I have feelings too. And it's been affecting me. From a crazy follower of an actor I switched to listen to all those music I used to love to a point of addiction, developing withdrawal symptoms from it. Like I'm on crack. I guess I'm not kidding when I said before music is my drug.

I just drew a mock picture of a woman in distress. Not much, just a head with hairs, and two hands cupping the face. Surrounding her are the words "Shit", "Hurt", "Pain", "Depression". I just need to vent it out. I've got a headache developing. It's tiring arguing with some idiot who don't know he's the cause of it, and thinking, it's my domestic affairs. FUCK OFF will you, you sickening, narcissistic, thinking that you know it all, arrogant, fictitious BASTARD!

I just can't cope. I mean, it's easy to take a few hours off to not think about it, but you want to permanently shut it off. I know I have to leave.

Sometimes I think I'm a failure, and sometimes I think I'm like this because I don't dare to speak out. Well, now I did, and now I kept wondering what are my repercussions.

I'm glad, that I did, speak out, against that idiot. Whether or not he dismisses my outburst as a one time thing, I don't care. I did it. I'm proud of it.

The toughest thing now is how to express that pent up emotion inside. Crying wasn't helping. I couldn't even cry save for that few tears.

I don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't need help. Maybe I just hate being alone. Maybe I just cannot negotiate. I'm terrible at speaking to people because I always think I'll offend people, and then they cannot accept my views. My past is what traumatised me to unable myself to speak.

I even turned the music volume down now, because I can't cope with the loud noise. It's like a distant echo behind my head, the songs. If there were, stimulants, to bring me to fantasyland right now, it'd be perfect.

Well, time's up. I need to get back down to reality, slowly.

I really wish I have an off switch