I'm afraid of looking for a new job. Here are some reasons why.

1) I don't want to let go of my previous prospect, which was getting a scholarship to an overseas country, a prospect that I was forced to abandon because shit happened.

2) I don't like being dishonest about my current situation and lying about my condition.

3) I don't know how to arrange for my appointments should i get a job, especially if the appointments are also done in weekdays.

4) I'm still feeling afraid of speaking to people or elaborating about my past glories. I don't know how to sell myself to be employable anymore, which is something I have no trouble with.

5) To make up for the restrictions I faced over the last six months, I'm indulging in my moments of freedom, which means there's less interest in seriously looking for a job.

Also, there's some anxiety issues I'm facing right now that convinces me, that I will be horrible at doing small talk with people, even though that's probably what humans do all the time. Until I can sort this issue away, I really don't know where or how to start job hunting.

Still, wish me luck in overcoming all those obstacles so that something comfortable and suitable can land on my feet.

Six-month gap

There's a six month gap in my thought process.

Six months of missing out on world events, being involved with friends, losing all my thoughts and opinions, realising that my words and thoughts mean nothing, since the public audience don't seem to miss me or any of my contributions.

Of course, there's always friends around to remind me that I mean the world to them and they've been very supportive until the very end. I know that, and everyone around me has been telling me that.

But I can't let go. I can't let go of the fact that I lost something that would have defined me really well in the future, I can't let go of the fact that the drastic event that left me catching up on life has happened. While everyone seemed to slowly recognise the changes that occured, it becomes drastic to me because I have not been informed of such changes.

I'm still feeling a lot of anger and resentment over what has happened, yet nobody can be wholly blamed for what happened. It was a mixture of a bad dream and a nightmare that I still cannot recover from, no matter how many times I reassure myself, as I was closed off from the world in that six months, that I will emerge okay.

It's only been a week since I finally got out, and although I'm glad to resume my life, I also know that it's never going to be the same again.

I really just want to go and get my life back again, resuming my dreams of studying abroad, not being stuck here nursing my health.