At last, my course of Foundation in Arts is over. After a hectic 7 weeks of mishaps and mayhems, I can finally sit down and enjoy a 3 week holiday, which started yesterday. During the 7 weeks, I was so busy that I stop thinking about what to write on the blog, and more concentrated on my studies. It was until yesterday that I can finally ponder on something that I had never thought before: Have I turn into an observer?
After a long conversation with one of my study group mate, I begin to realise that I not only live my life, I observed it. I take every step with caution and have a full taste of every consequences I made. Yet, I felt it is so meaningless to live that way, being an adventurer and also a researcher at a same time. When it comes to friends who are in trouble, I contribute a little help, then shrink back into my own shell, giving no less but just advices and pats on a shoulder. I no more ask about the lives of my friends, and what happen to them that made them who they are; I just them as who they are.
When I was young, I would stare at a mirror for a long time, and begin to imagine a story of my own. If only, my mirror self can come out to live my life and I become the one in the mirror, just observing what is going on in my other self's daily life. I feel contented by just observing people's life, taking into account their everyday expression, and then, just treat it like a research. That's just who I was then, quiet, not willing to speak out, silently laughing at funny expressions like a graceful elegant lady watching a Shakespearean drama on stage. I just like to become an anonymous, to not be credited for anything that I've done.
That is until I've turned 16, that I couldn't become an observer anymore. I couldn't treat myself like I'm living through my life silently without gaining people's attention. For some reason, I had, and I don't feel so used about it. Friends started to talk to me, and seeking for advices sometimes. I tried giving the best advice that do not hurt them, but it never helped. So I tried giving advices based on my own perspectives, and it worked. Then I started to try and taste life, that is full of bitter, sweet, sour and spice. Memories that just flow through my mind like a reel of film. Dramatic expressions that stuns the crowd. That's who I was. I tasted life so badly, my body reacts to it. When I suffered from a broken heart, my body reacted so violently, I eventually started to get sick.
But what I gain from tasting life is that I have stories that no one else experienced. My one and only unique experiences that I only know. I feel so special in a sense that I can share my own part of the stories with the others, and the others too share their stories which only they understand how they feel. I felt that this is life. A risky adventure. One might not know what happens the next. I can fly over a steep mountain soaring and shouting my name, which is one of a kind. I felt like I'm finally an individual of this world, and I'm finally me!
My life has finally started to walk, and I'm walking on my own road, I'm so happy that I can make my own choices, do what I want, have fun with my friends, fall in love, excel in studies, being able to cope with hectic and rush. My life is filled with no less of laughter and tears and also heart pain. The taste of life is so tempting, so rich with flavour, that my life goes so smoothly, because I know how to face it. The glory of being able to take control of my life is so heartily filling and I got so satisfied by it.
But all of a sudden, I got tired of the rich flavour, I hate the temptations of life. I didn't want to go on anymore adventures. I hate helping out. I hate being the one to speak up. Suddenly, I just want to find a corner to hide. To be able to revert back to an observer, just observe what others do. Even though I'm not the centre of attention but I still speak out so people still look at me. Suddenly, I hate those stares, those stares of being amused of my words. Suddenly, I want to be a nothing, to be able to retain my anonymity. Perhaps, my life has gotten a little too smooth that I got almost everything I want now, that I just want to escape from it. My life has gotten a little too perfect, I got everything I want, everything that I had been praying for ever since I was a child. I don't believe Buddha is so forgiving that He is giving me all this happiness that I'm experiencing.
All of a sudden I just want to revert from having my own name to just being a "nothing". If Shakespeare's words are true, that the world is a stage, I don't want to be a lead actress, I just want to do behind the scenes. I had enough of tasting life. I just want to become an observer again. I want my nothingness back.
But, I know, if I do so, I'll hurt someone. Because I had fallen in love with my guardian angel.
Thanks and good day.
Extraordinary Expressions
Posted by
cDi
comments (8)
English to me is the most amazing language that I have known. Not only it is the world-acclaimed international language (which sounds too corny anyway), it is also the true hub for different nationalities to communicate and understand each other. Minus the arrogance of French and Latin, everyone's practically knowledgeable and some of them fluent in English. I find it amazing because with the English language, we can use so many words just to describe an object: the choice of words can derive from "very easy to understand" to "showing how formal I could be"
For example, when you see an object which you like and find it favourable to you, at that moment, you might think that the object is "nice", when in truth, there are so many other words to make it sound more formal, or more professional. There are always other choices like fantastic, magnificent, awesome, majestic, amazing, beautiful, pretty, and so many other kinds of words to expressed your views about the certain object.
Many people seem to just look at the surface of English, thinking that they just have to learn the basic grammar, basic descriptions and they would enjoy becoming one with English. But repetition of these words and alphabets and people will know how little is their knowledge towards the language. How laughable actually when they only repeat the words they know, describing everything they see with only the basics of the basement in the level of English, when they can ascend to many other levels by simply picking up a good English book to read or just read newspapers, they are bound to remember a few complicating words which when spoken, might impressed a few friends of even some potential partners.
I find English a fascinating language, even though I know I still could not differentiate between verbs, nouns, grammar and all the technical terms of English. English is a good enrichment to my life. I love to express myself using different kinds of descriptions which suit the situation and the timing of whether should I use that word. Even a compliment may sound insulting if the wrong word was used.
It is not easy to master English of course. Just when you thought that you have learned enough, someone who thinks you are too proud brings you to another level in English, which makes your jaw drop, make you admit your insensibility, and you try again. This is what I had gone through, when I thought my English was really good, until I get to see what kind of syllabus did they teach in our neighbouring country, Singapore. I was awed by the usage of English, and, dare I say, I had no idea what all those words meant, and to think that them Singaporeans had to learn all these at a young age, I begin to wonder if I was lucky, or that I was furious. I am still in the process of enhancing my own knowledge in English, trying to be more mindful and paying attention when my friends who are more proficient, speaking with their recognisable British or American accents, being able to verse out a complicated sentence without fear. These people are my inspiration, same to books and newspaper which had helped me alot.
English is desirably challenging and fun at the same time, where so many of us can continue to chase the meaning of English, creating our very own language, embedding the meaning of English. This language gets so many renewing process every now and then, and the vocabulary level increases. It may just be a lifetime education process, whereby even after I was in my grave or in urn, I might not be able to understand English in whole, still I enjoy the process. After all, it is a joy to be able to listen, read and converse in English. I may get some advices from my mom that I should becareful when I said something. What she didn't know is I intent to mean my words. Thanks and good day.
For example, when you see an object which you like and find it favourable to you, at that moment, you might think that the object is "nice", when in truth, there are so many other words to make it sound more formal, or more professional. There are always other choices like fantastic, magnificent, awesome, majestic, amazing, beautiful, pretty, and so many other kinds of words to expressed your views about the certain object.
Many people seem to just look at the surface of English, thinking that they just have to learn the basic grammar, basic descriptions and they would enjoy becoming one with English. But repetition of these words and alphabets and people will know how little is their knowledge towards the language. How laughable actually when they only repeat the words they know, describing everything they see with only the basics of the basement in the level of English, when they can ascend to many other levels by simply picking up a good English book to read or just read newspapers, they are bound to remember a few complicating words which when spoken, might impressed a few friends of even some potential partners.
I find English a fascinating language, even though I know I still could not differentiate between verbs, nouns, grammar and all the technical terms of English. English is a good enrichment to my life. I love to express myself using different kinds of descriptions which suit the situation and the timing of whether should I use that word. Even a compliment may sound insulting if the wrong word was used.
It is not easy to master English of course. Just when you thought that you have learned enough, someone who thinks you are too proud brings you to another level in English, which makes your jaw drop, make you admit your insensibility, and you try again. This is what I had gone through, when I thought my English was really good, until I get to see what kind of syllabus did they teach in our neighbouring country, Singapore. I was awed by the usage of English, and, dare I say, I had no idea what all those words meant, and to think that them Singaporeans had to learn all these at a young age, I begin to wonder if I was lucky, or that I was furious. I am still in the process of enhancing my own knowledge in English, trying to be more mindful and paying attention when my friends who are more proficient, speaking with their recognisable British or American accents, being able to verse out a complicated sentence without fear. These people are my inspiration, same to books and newspaper which had helped me alot.
English is desirably challenging and fun at the same time, where so many of us can continue to chase the meaning of English, creating our very own language, embedding the meaning of English. This language gets so many renewing process every now and then, and the vocabulary level increases. It may just be a lifetime education process, whereby even after I was in my grave or in urn, I might not be able to understand English in whole, still I enjoy the process. After all, it is a joy to be able to listen, read and converse in English. I may get some advices from my mom that I should becareful when I said something. What she didn't know is I intent to mean my words. Thanks and good day.
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