Much Ado About Nothing......

At last, my course of Foundation in Arts is over. After a hectic 7 weeks of mishaps and mayhems, I can finally sit down and enjoy a 3 week holiday, which started yesterday. During the 7 weeks, I was so busy that I stop thinking about what to write on the blog, and more concentrated on my studies. It was until yesterday that I can finally ponder on something that I had never thought before: Have I turn into an observer?

After a long conversation with one of my study group mate, I begin to realise that I not only live my life, I observed it. I take every step with caution and have a full taste of every consequences I made. Yet, I felt it is so meaningless to live that way, being an adventurer and also a researcher at a same time. When it comes to friends who are in trouble, I contribute a little help, then shrink back into my own shell, giving no less but just advices and pats on a shoulder. I no more ask about the lives of my friends, and what happen to them that made them who they are; I just them as who they are.

When I was young, I would stare at a mirror for a long time, and begin to imagine a story of my own. If only, my mirror self can come out to live my life and I become the one in the mirror, just observing what is going on in my other self's daily life. I feel contented by just observing people's life, taking into account their everyday expression, and then, just treat it like a research. That's just who I was then, quiet, not willing to speak out, silently laughing at funny expressions like a graceful elegant lady watching a Shakespearean drama on stage. I just like to become an anonymous, to not be credited for anything that I've done.

That is until I've turned 16, that I couldn't become an observer anymore. I couldn't treat myself like I'm living through my life silently without gaining people's attention. For some reason, I had, and I don't feel so used about it. Friends started to talk to me, and seeking for advices sometimes. I tried giving the best advice that do not hurt them, but it never helped. So I tried giving advices based on my own perspectives, and it worked. Then I started to try and taste life, that is full of bitter, sweet, sour and spice. Memories that just flow through my mind like a reel of film. Dramatic expressions that stuns the crowd. That's who I was. I tasted life so badly, my body reacts to it. When I suffered from a broken heart, my body reacted so violently, I eventually started to get sick.

But what I gain from tasting life is that I have stories that no one else experienced. My one and only unique experiences that I only know. I feel so special in a sense that I can share my own part of the stories with the others, and the others too share their stories which only they understand how they feel. I felt that this is life. A risky adventure. One might not know what happens the next. I can fly over a steep mountain soaring and shouting my name, which is one of a kind. I felt like I'm finally an individual of this world, and I'm finally me!

My life has finally started to walk, and I'm walking on my own road, I'm so happy that I can make my own choices, do what I want, have fun with my friends, fall in love, excel in studies, being able to cope with hectic and rush. My life is filled with no less of laughter and tears and also heart pain. The taste of life is so tempting, so rich with flavour, that my life goes so smoothly, because I know how to face it. The glory of being able to take control of my life is so heartily filling and I got so satisfied by it.

But all of a sudden, I got tired of the rich flavour, I hate the temptations of life. I didn't want to go on anymore adventures. I hate helping out. I hate being the one to speak up. Suddenly, I just want to find a corner to hide. To be able to revert back to an observer, just observe what others do. Even though I'm not the centre of attention but I still speak out so people still look at me. Suddenly, I hate those stares, those stares of being amused of my words. Suddenly, I want to be a nothing, to be able to retain my anonymity. Perhaps, my life has gotten a little too smooth that I got almost everything I want now, that I just want to escape from it. My life has gotten a little too perfect, I got everything I want, everything that I had been praying for ever since I was a child. I don't believe Buddha is so forgiving that He is giving me all this happiness that I'm experiencing.

All of a sudden I just want to revert from having my own name to just being a "nothing". If Shakespeare's words are true, that the world is a stage, I don't want to be a lead actress, I just want to do behind the scenes. I had enough of tasting life. I just want to become an observer again. I want my nothingness back.

But, I know, if I do so, I'll hurt someone. Because I had fallen in love with my guardian angel.

Thanks and good day.