Impulse driven

I've never felt more impulsive than I am feeling now.

It's an hour and a half past midnight, and I can't sleep. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I have a giant urge to relieve my hunger pangs by indulging completely, totally, into food i'm not supposed to touch because of a diet i'm currently going through.

I know what this hunger pang means. First of all, it's biological, a body deprived of its usual staple is a body that currently cries out at its cravings. Second of all, i have no issues undergoing this diet, if i'm at control, and the fact that I can feel hunger and I feel like lashing out, it's my sense of anger and frustration because i'm not able to keep my hunger under control.

And with that kind of impulse comes fear and anxiety. Over everything else, not food related. I'm angry at my financial situation because it's not safe and secure enough for me to indulge. I get angry at the idea that I don't know when can I do a proper handover to the new staff, which would free my mind to take up new opportunities (or whatever opportunities I can find here while I'm still around).

I keep hearing the word "stop" everytime another angry impulsive thought came in. I try to rationalise it. Confront it. Negotiate with it. Those feelings will eventually subside. But, as my most basic desire - hunger - have not been satiated, so too the rest of the anger and impulsive behaviour, it feels like I have not found the solution to all these upsetting situation i'm in.

So i turn to writing here again to get them all out. I did not expect to endure something like this when I agreed to go on a diet for another purpose (not to lose weight, mind you). The pangs were manageable on the first week, i don't understand why is my body reactting even violently now for desire to have the foods I used to eat.

But, I supposed the good thing is I discovered this impulsiveness of mine, the emotional irrational being that decides to emerge when things don't feel in control. I don't believe that hunger can be completely subverted by mental power or will, but i supposed directing my body to consume whatever fats there are in my body to get itself filled up will take awhile.

I have not decided if I want to make tomorrow a cheat day. I won't touch the really heavy stuff, but a nibble of two of the lighter stuff shouldn't hurt my diet. It's tempting, and I haven't eaten something good and satisfying for a while....because of this diet thing....

Bah humbug, it's Christmas. I'm supposed to be all jolly and welcoming, not moaning about my hungry fate and the reactions it's making me do.

Trying to go back to sleep now. Some form of hunger is somewhat satiated after writing them out. Is that what it takes? No wonder some authors write with their stomachs empty.

Feliz Navidad