Twenty One? About Me

Hello. My name is CiNDi. This is my blog name.

I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.

Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.

Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.

Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.

I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.

My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.

I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.

I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.

My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.

I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.

I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.

Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.

My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.

My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.

What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.

Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.

I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.

I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.

I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.

I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.

I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.

But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!

Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.

It still matters after all

I've got a message from him.

He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.

I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.

Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.

I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.

Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.

I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.

I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:

1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.

2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.

3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.

4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.

I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.

I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.

I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.

I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.

I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.

Because, it still matters after all.

It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.

Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.

It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.

I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.

Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.

A little bit sick

Getting a little sick again.

Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.

Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.

Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.

Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.

Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?

Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....

Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?

I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.

~Please take my away from here~

~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~

-Fireflies, by Owl City-

P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?

I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?

是时候...

写些华文吧。

其实也不懂为什么，之前心事都可以用华文发泄，而且会觉得舒服。现在，好像失去了那基本的知识哦。

这个宁静的夜晚，既然没有哀伤，跟之前相差好大。之前，也有四年了，我都快毕业了，又要面对社会。想到这里，我只能说：凄惨！

不好意思，真的很久没有用华文发言，音腔怪怪的。

好想念一些歌，其实我蛮会很多首歌曲，不过随着时间变动，以及大学的影响，总是，每次听到熟悉的华文歌曲，我会想起中学。呵呵。

我华语真的蛮烂一下。少了那哀伤，那纯真的悲哀，中学的那些困扰，然后看东西总会很快地想通，所以英文已经流利的不得了。

I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But

我还是想用华文跟大家互动。怎样？第一次以华文来抒发情绪的感觉如何？会觉得我超恶心，要我停吗？