Step by step

Yesterday - I managed to actually drive to the street where it resides.

Today - I managed to drive into the street and waited by the gateway. Thrice.

I didn't go in. I couldn't. Too scared. I wanted to experience coming back to it alone, not when there are people around.

My anxiety is ridiculous. I feel a huge surge of it at the thought of seeing new people, working with new people. It takes a long time for me to warm to people I know/don't know, that if the other side is impatient about it, then we might not cross paths.

The problem is even if I quit this position because I cannot muster the courage to go back to it, it doesn't matter; I generally dread connecting to people, period. All jobs and positions requires some form of connection, one way or another. And I'll only resign to isolation.

That's why I keep holding on. But..gah, so hard to determine and understand how to go about this.

I have an idea how. But i'll talk it out tomorrow. Hopefully, there's a general direction I can work on. *fingers crossed*

Stop

Stop. Seriously. Stop.
I'm tired.
So much bullshit.
So much money to pay and repay. So little time.
Tired of working on things I don't have passion on
Tired of working. Full stop.
But the bills kept accumulating.
Sometimes I have the engine to keep on chugging and sometimes I feel like, fuck it.
Today's one of those days.
I have all the enthusiasm to go and see the world in the morning. By afternoon all that evaporated. I just don't want to see people. I can't be bothered to go there and face them all.
They can't be bothered with me, so I don't want to be bothered with them.
I say that now, but I know I'm in the wrong. It's the pain and anxiousness talking, the uncertainty and what not.
I hate working there, but I cannot tell them that. They asked me if I'm still around. I'm still around but I cannot deal with them anymore.
Dealing with people is hard. I hate that. I want to rid of it, and I'm slowly learning how. One key point is to deal with them.

I'm supposed to do that today. But I can't muster the courage to do so...I feel like I'm wasting the organisation's time and money.

Yep, I'm still experiencing that emotional cycle.

Step by step

I've been taking small steps forward to experience life all over again. It's been tiring, exhausting, exhilarating journey. Step by step, I see myself turning and transforming.

Admittedly, step by step, I still find myself rooted on the ground, unwilling to move; or looking back, wondering why I even take that step forward when not doing anything seemed so much more comfortable.

Tempting, and i'm trying to resist that temptation. Whatever doubts I have now, i'm putting it to hormones, PMS and whatnot. It's an emotional cyclical thing that puts me in doubt almost at a monthly basis. I'll make the stupidest worst case scenario there is, and once the blood starts flowing, suddenly everything is alright again.

Hopefully this is the case again. And i'm insisting on continuing to make small steps forward. Onwards, upwards, it has to hurt, and it will make me feel like withdrawing, but i'll keep trying...

Otherwise, there's no point dreaming big or carrying out the ambition implanted within me. I say implanted, because i've always have big dreams and big thoughts, but never have it motivate me enough to really push it through. Something else always distracts me, or lack of confidence stopped me from continuing...eitherway, i must try to keep going on for now.