It still matters after all

I've got a message from him.

He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.

I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.

Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.

I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.

Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.

I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.

I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:

1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.

2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.

3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.

4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.

I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.

I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.

I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.

I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.

I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.

Because, it still matters after all.

It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.

Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.

It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.

I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.

Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.

A little bit sick

Getting a little sick again.

Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.

Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.

Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.

Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.

Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?

Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....

Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?

I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.

~Please take my away from here~

~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~

-Fireflies, by Owl City-

P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?

I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?

是时候...

写些华文吧。

其实也不懂为什么，之前心事都可以用华文发泄，而且会觉得舒服。现在，好像失去了那基本的知识哦。

这个宁静的夜晚，既然没有哀伤，跟之前相差好大。之前，也有四年了，我都快毕业了，又要面对社会。想到这里，我只能说：凄惨！

不好意思，真的很久没有用华文发言，音腔怪怪的。

好想念一些歌，其实我蛮会很多首歌曲，不过随着时间变动，以及大学的影响，总是，每次听到熟悉的华文歌曲，我会想起中学。呵呵。

我华语真的蛮烂一下。少了那哀伤，那纯真的悲哀，中学的那些困扰，然后看东西总会很快地想通，所以英文已经流利的不得了。

I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But

我还是想用华文跟大家互动。怎样？第一次以华文来抒发情绪的感觉如何？会觉得我超恶心，要我停吗？

Rant

Disclaimer: Pardon my crude. I'm in the midst of blowing up.

A year ago, Streamyx decided to fuck up my whole internet system with a bunch of asshole technicians who seemed to be unable to converse in simple English terms and having the inability to understand when we demand to know which company they come from.

Apparently when you work with TM, TM gives their fucking contract to incompetent assholes who may or may not layan you depending on their fucked up mood.

So after lots of arguments with the HQ and that fucked up company with such a bastard arrogant snobbish boss, the Internet was fixed. But not without destroying my house phone line and causing us to call an outside wiring technician to fix that stupid line.

All was well. That was last November. I've blogged a couple of times while in the cyber cafe incapable of doing nothing.

Now, I'm in the cyber cafe again.

You guessed right. My internet was busted for the second fucking time in the duration of a year.

And this time those fucking idiot technicians don't even bother to show up, for two whole days. And the boss calling every other day to ask "No one called you yet?" to my mother.

You know, it'd be great to lose the internet connection now if I weren't studying like my brother who just finish his PMR. Or my sister who's exams are text-book based, not on fucking current issues.

What the fuck was I thinking? I'm staying with a family who don't understand how important it is for me to stay connected all the time. Because all they see was a girl distracted from her work because she watches Youtube (without caring what the hell am I watching), Facebooking, and Chatting all the time! (of course! I can't be chatting about work! I'm always into chatting frivolously aren't I???) EXACTLY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MASS COMMUNICATION WAS ABOUT STUDYING OUTDATED TEXTBOOKS LIKE A LEVELS OR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! THANK YOU!! As if my university had anything adequate. Ptui!

And good riddance to that fucked up Streamyx. With that "fucked up" look of theirs they are bound to lose more customers. Hello, you think we live in 2003? Where the only internet service provider is YOU?!?!?! You think we don't have other alternatives, like say...the CYBER CAFE??? Our MOBILE PHONES??? But you know, I'd truly appreciate it if I can surf the internet at the comforts of my own house. But Nooooo, your fucked up technicians JUST DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP!!! They decided that it's better, to let us ROT To DIe! By not fixing our fixed line.

Our phone line was totally dead, with no dial tone. And you know what? WE DON'T PUSH YOU LIKE WE DID THE LAST TIME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!!

Of course, the only bad thing is no other alternative actually has coverage in the area I stay in. But I'd take ANYTHING other than SCREAMYX. Really, ANYTHING TO GET THOSE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH OUT OF MY HOUSE!

And thanks to YOU my equally internet obsessive boyfriend had a fight with me yesterday because he's pissed I'm hogging his PC and the internet for research/entertainment purposes. Like I'm supposed to concentrate on work, as if he actually does the same. Boohoohoo. I do other things while on the net. SO? Did my work deteriorate because of that? And now, when I REALLY need the internet, because I'm studying ONLINE JOURNALISM, this internet connection decided to fuck up on me????

Either the internet service providers give some coverage now in my area, Or I'll just fucking move from my house. I've had it, had it, had it!!! I'll bash something now if I could.

FUCK!

Love, Actually? and multiple things

I probably should prohibit myself from reading blogs of anyone younger than me. Really.

Because no matter how intelligent they sound like they still and always grapple almost the same things which I'm really going to sleep by now: Love.

How hard is it to understand the concept behind love? You have it, you flaunt it, you express it to someone who deserves it, and you leave when you think they don't.

Bullshit rules like "When you're single you can hug hot guys" really should be shove down your own throat. Cause I hug any guy I want even I'm in a relationship and I don't need anyone to tell me to do it conditionally.

No I'm not in an argument with Ephyon, just a tad frustrated over the lack of blog content to read. Politicians is as usual, up to date, thank goodness. I can still find out what's wrong with the country while being stuck at home with my Final Year Project. Le Thesis is getting harder to edit by the second because I'm also stuck at home looking at *gasp* games like Left 4 Dead 2 ><, and Windows 7, and the Onyx...!

And I probably should share abit of a love tip thingie that kept my relationship strong enough. Something I believe needs to be shared among us especially since I've been listening to stories about problems and I think I need to stress this bit again...once again. Or maybe I'm just being snooty cause a lot of these problems are none of my business and yet I just want to point it out so I look important bwahahaha.

I think I've stressed it once and I'm not afraid of stressing it again: Communication, Communication, Communication.

No It does not limit to just compliments. You blardy shout at your partner if you have to just to get your point right across his ears. You use threats, you use screams, you destroy things belong to him.....err....provided that it's not that valuable, I didn't tell you to destroy his phone okay? And once that is across, then both of you can sit down and talk.

One thing I dislike about being a girl is the opportunity for us to keep our mouths shut until things really get out of hand then we blurt. And then it leads to a problem. That's what girls always cry at the phone to another gal pal when she feels the problem twitch (or skewer, depending on the seriousness of said problem), because when it was just an early detection, they won't talk, and then one thing led to another and it will be too late to discuss about it.

I used to do that earlier during the relationships but in 2009 this really toned down a lot. Probably because we were in internships and we spent a lot of time NOT trying to push so hard onto our other selves and yes, when we said we are busy, we ARE busy, not just some lame Dota outing to be put as busy. (oops, I'm still mad about him and his dota outings. In fact, he's in one now as I'm blogging XD)

Oh, and don't be afraid to be dead honest on what you think about the relationship. In fact, if he's disinterested in being honest in the early stages, you probably should get going and ignore that son of a bitch. Only stay with guys that are worth your time (my bf stressed "WORTH YOUR TIME" cause he thinks he's one of those XD)

Of course, I can only say this on behalf of people who are my type. Relentless, uncaring, hates pink, NOT fickled minded, relaxed, go with the flow kind. Fickle minded pretentious people can try this method and find that it doesn't succeed because it's SO not them. They on the other hand made up rules that determine what can single people or people in relationships can do ;)

So what is Love actually? I'd like to think it's something universal, that is inside us, binds us, heck, probably what made us humans. If you believe in what your limitless mind can do, love probably stop that and kept you grounded. Which is why often times, sadly, geniuses are often lonely. No one can understand them =/ I probably do not need to set examples no? It exists everywhere.

Sometimes it's just weird, to choose between mind and heart. Lets say, look at a painting or watch a movie. You might admire technicalities of the painting because your mind tells you so. But you cry or feel extremely happy watching, reading something because your heart tells you so. Hmm....

Don't mind me. I love pondering about these. My friends said I'm weird because I love to stare at something. Indeed, I can just keep staring without saying anything for a darn long time.

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I've found a staple Youtube Channel to watch. Before that I always anticipate the weekly programme The Listening Post (from Al Jazeera English Channel for those who are curious) because I love how they analyse the media and the relations around these decisions and their after effects on the media in general. One thing I did not like was the fact that they do not cover much of the Asian region other than North Korea and China. They are pretty much concentrated in the Middle East, USA, South America and Africa, and the occasional Europe, but not a lot.

And then I stumbled across this Channel called Current TV. I say stumbled, because I happen to watch one of their episodes on The Listening Post and I decided to try watching most of it. As it is, I Love It! I love the presentation, the sacarsm, the charm and wit exalted by each presenter. Best thing is, they are not your stereotypical hunk/blonde that was so easily found in E! or MTV. They are the proof that geeks are actually quite cool. It's a plus point that this TV channel is funded by Ex-Presidential Candidate Al Gore.

Programmes: I cannot claim to watch all of it, but what I look forward to is InfoMania and SuperNews! They make news consumption much much easier, like funding Rambo to stop terrorism in Afghanistan by the help of Blackwater Corporation, a private Military group (which I don't know that there was such a thing. Military? And Private? And selling weaponry to possibly anyone who can afford it?), presented in all things cartoony and absurdity.

InfoMania on the other hand is a half hour show but I only watch the bits and pieces because our bandwidth is slow. I can't wait for the full 30 minutes to be load on Youtube before I start watching them. I liked Conor Knighton and Sarah Haskins a lot. Also, Look out for Sergio Cilli's White Hot Top 5 for the billboard chartings and music videos complete sacarstic comments. How witty are those comments?

My boyfriend, who usually don't watch these shows, actually looks forward to them after I showed him a few clips XD.

If you're thinking "oh man, CiNDi is weird. How the heck are these shows interesting?" Yes I am, I actually find these shows entertaining. In fact, the last time I touched a real tv show to watch was the CSI series which I raved about for the past 2 years. Internship just got me cut off from TV totally. And I just don't rely on them now. Youtube became my main source of entertainment. And blogs, and Facebook.

Hmm, I'm embracing the digital media. Completely. Woot.

The other reason was that as mentioned, I really loved observing. So media studies and media observation is probably most welcomed because I love how they subtlely tells us the most serious issues. Of course The Listening Post remains always on a serious note because they are highlighting the shiftings and changes of the media systems, but Current TV presents it in a more subtle way, in a way that it's attractive for people who find it attractive.

I cannot stress it enough. I really love Current TV's SuperNews! and InfoMania. I'll probably try out other programmes when there's something of interest for me =)

I do have a passion for media observation. I felt so impassioned watching Frost/Nixon. That is yet another tale to tell. For me, myself and I. I'm sorry if I sound weird, but I can go on and on about my fascination about the media XP.

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I mentioned about the frustrations due to capitalist ideals hogging on the blogosphere in the last post. I don't mind la. Advertorials then advertorials la. But day in, day out, advertorials only. Then nothing was actually your personal interest? Boring lor macam ni. How ah?

I guess I'm not much of an advocate for using your personal space and then transform it into a public/professional space. It gets people confused, and then to add salt to the wound, you have to join a certain blogging community to really get in touch with these personas up close. I don't have to Nang it that clear right? ;)

Thankfully, I found this really cool link from a blogger who I have no qualms about because I think she's kinda cool. She wishes this will happen in Malaysia. I so totally agree. Bf reckons he finally found another girl who speaks like me through this blogger. Joyce Wong's the name, KinkyBlueFairy's her domain. Check her out if you haven't already.

Bloggers Must Disclose Payments For Reviews

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Ephyon has an American accent. Due to that, and his massive hairyness he's often mistaken as an American Born Chinese. It was fun looking at how some people tried to guess his origins. Until now, no one can guess that he could speak or even read Mandarin when meeting him for the first time.

And then I asked him do I have a specific accent when I speak English.

Apparently I don't. I don't sound like a Brit, American, European, not even Ah Beng Ah Lian. I just don't have an accent.

What does "don't have an accent" sound like?

"You". Ephyon would answer =_=

But now he has found a term to call my accent. I don't like the sound of it but it's called "Malaysian upper class accent". And no, I don't approve of such a term. "No accent" sounds way better.

Maybe I should stop comparing my accent with his. It depresses me because he can be identified as American. I can't be identified with anything Western nor do I really sound too localised. But he said KinkyBlueFairy sounds like how I speak. Hmm.

Zewt, want to add that into your study of "Bananaristic" cultures? XD

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That's all. Oh I really just dribble on and on and on. XD

Tickled

Internet trolls, are also sadly, the majority beings of the universe who'd do anything to make themselves look stupid, pass on stupid bills and vote for stupid people.

This reminds me of this Newsweek article that Obama should concentrate on how to handle the complexities of the Congress instead of appearing on TV so much. But how to? The media had announced an all out war against him for the health care reforms he proposed in which he wishes to push for the bill approval by end of this year.

It's an insane media war Mr. President have to fight. So if the World's Most Charismatic President is having trouble engaging not just his own people, what do you think a puny little state leader like ours can?

Mr. Prime Minister was the smartest, he just don't answer. Mr. Chief Minister whom everyone is going against in Penang right now, tries his best to appease everyone, but also to cover up his mistakes for allowing certain things to pass through before the Kampung Buah Pala scenario had gone out of hand. I believe you can find those issues just by reading Anil Netto, Chan Lilian, and a lot of them Citizen Journalists in Penang. I myself, being not a Penangite, cannot be assured that my ground will be neutral.

It is just that we all grew up to have the most stubborn heads I've seen. To put it in a more general way of explaining situations, no matter how many times the latter news articles had clarified that the late Michael Jackson was suffering from a skin disease that sees his skin became whiter, my mother was still convinced that he bleached his skin, and very much kept announcing so during his death.

And you'd think people haven't tried to explain to her. I did, got into an argument about it to her about it somemore, but it did not see a change to what she sees. Whatever she sees, she's still utterly convinced that his skin was bleached. Can't say that I didn't try no?

The same goes for the climate change issue, the politics in our country, the annoyance towards more and more capitalist ideals now even appearing in the blogosphere. No matter how many intelligent comments given to clarify issues concerning these things, there's more stupider, lower comments that will tend to override what have just been clarified. Intelligence is getting swallowed up, and the only time intelligent people can rebuke stupidity is to show the exact moronic views uttered by themselves to others, and let other stupid people judge their own stupidity laughing at others, until they are being judged as well.

Yes, people. Welcome to the War of Stupids and Trolls. And currently they are always winning due to the coloured views of the world which the dominant people are encouraging and pushing through.

Then you might ask, what is intelligence? Who can call themselves intelligent and smart, or heck, is intelligence even gradeable?

I sincerely don't know. But I know that I'm looking at this really awkward culture being brought up that look like it'll swallow up the world. Well, maybe the world I see will be swallowed, not the whole world. It's still big, no matter how small Walt Disney claims it to be.

As for the Kampung Buah Pala issue, I can safely say, the people who are yelling and pointing fingers at Mr. Chief Minister right now, are people who did not study Public Administration. These offices, they have protocols, and they, sadly, do not work entirely under the state government. So go cry to the Big Bad Wolf, if you can even reach him. Don't get stuck outside the Putrajaya Perdana like some other blogger does.

Although if I were to be a local journalist next year, maybe the first article I will work on is "Kampung Buah Pala - could it have been avoided?", and then ask everyone who wants to give a piece of their mind, or see them claim amnesia to the issue or refuse to give any answer that is smart. That will shut the old trolls up....and make way for new trolls for attack ;)

And I'm not a person without faults. I have, sadly, find myself unable to commit to the 350 climate change no matter how Rin pushes it to me. I like her concept, but my coloured principles prevented me from taking a very active step other than what I'm doing now, which is recycling, reusing, etc etc.

I wonder though, could it be that we are destined to born with coloured, biased principles, therefore God gave us skin colours, and then we try to unmask ourselves by siding with our colours, or have a new principle altogether.

Hmm.....

But still, end thing is, I'm tickled with glee at how we Malaysians react when it concerns our country, and our politics. I bet any citizen reacts the same way, except with America, they converse better than our half-baked English methinks.

Lazy

Finals sucks my soul. Sorry folks who've been waiting for something.

But I'd recommend this song if you feel down. I just watched Cars a few days ago and I loved the storyline and this song to bits! Maybe I'm just a homey person, I get teary thinking about the abandonned town. But it's okay. I love this song. Have to continue studying though so sorry.

Give a Thumbup if it made your day a lil brighter. =)

Torn Asunder

My heart that has been
Pulled, Befuddled
Reasons not known but only to me

Torn, Torn and only Torn,
Stretched but not till its limits
If I will myself to commit, no more self

Wish for the stars for something?
I grab the opportunities
It's faster for me to huddle and crash through
instead of using a group

For some reason
Rock with You sings through me
I love him
That singer

What is but of dreams to me?
Find that question hard to answer
Not when it's easily dashed
Actually not really
My main agenda remained

Eyes look into the sky
Feet tied to the ground
Paralysed, unable to move
What am I to you?

Uncapable to touch the sky
No one wants the dirt I'm carrying
Definitely, maybe
The only comfort was the ability to still grab dirt

I'm sorry
I wish to
But if you can look at what I'm carrying
Maybe it's not supposed to be

How many are fortunate?
I'm fortunate
fortunate enough to survive that is
Not fortunate to extend help
None

Ring around, ring around,
Torn asunder, torn to pieces
I'll put me back again
But not you

Sorry
I'm torn
Will remain so
Until my things change
for my sake

Merdeka post - My thoughts rang true from an unlikely someone

Sorry for the belated Merdeka post, my heart's fluttering somewhere that day, and my concentration's not full enough to dedicate yet another disappointing year in the Malaysian books.

However, somewhere quite far away from home, I saw a blog post that were buried in the archives from someone very unlikely, someone famous enough for me to dig through that archive and eventually found that thought-provoking post that I think what Malaysians should think about.

That person, is Jason Mraz.

I know, I've never really raved about him, but after watching his concert and writing a review about it. (I did say I interned in a newspaper right? Go find them. Hint: English newspaper only *winks*) I went to check his blog and I really liked his writings. So quirky, so unpredictable.

Never did I think that he'd write a post that struck so true, so my dedication to my Malaysia, is through him.

Credits to Jason Mraz, for touching the lives of not just his musical fans, but also from his blog (Note - he wrote this as a campaign for Barack Obama, but once you minus that factor, it still struck true to Malaysians):

"Patriotism 101, Ignorance & Why I’m VOTING for President Obama!

Patriotism isn’t necessarily a good thing. When the World Trade Center was skillfully felled, Americans felt threatened suddenly, and were told immediately it was the doing of Terrorists from Afghanistan. With blind faith we wielded our flags and gave permission to our young men to leave home and begin global terror of our own. We continued blindly down that road for years until hundred of communities and thousands of lives were destroyed by US brut force.

Yes, the United States, a country founded by immigrants in search of promise and independence, is the same country that suspiciously views any non-American as some kind of enemy or alien species. How did this happen? Since when did we become some proud American Race?

Heck. I forget sometimes that the early settlers, pilgrims, and explorers also relied on slavery and the slaughtering of indigenous tribes. So perhaps we’re doing nothing new and being bad is just stuck in our genes.

I grew up hearing racial slurs left and right by elders and peers. The hurtful, fear based words were usually names inserted after discriminatory remarks such as, “Learn to speak English, you ________.” I never understood it.

Growing up, there was always at least one kid at school from some place else and he or she never EVER posed a threat to me. I was always impressed with their worldly view or neat cultural interests they displayed at talent shows and show & tell.

Patriotism has caused this country to think it’s the only country in the world, that the world should respect our authority for some reason. This singular way of thinking is not only making the US an embarrassment, it’s positioning us quickly as the new enemy.

I do not want someone in the White House with previous WAR experience. I am NOT voting for Patriotism. I am voting for peace, progress, and unity. Sadly, this vote is referred to as the vote for change. Because peace, progress and unity is something we still do not represent in the United States.

I do not want someone in the White House who will continue to seek out Al-Qaeda and trick TV watching Americans into thinking we should invade Iran. (Sadly, that is what is happening between commercial breaks, and some candidates are oddly supporting MORE WAR. ????)

I also do not want someone in the White House who continues to allow lobbyists to influence the decisions of our lawmakers. The corporate money that contributes to Congress will always be worth more than your votes or phone calls that you make to your Senator or Representative. Chain emails and petitions don’t seem to have the same charm as their fat checks. If it did, Health Care would be affordable or free, our vehicles would be electric, and there would likely be enough jobs for everyone in the country, as we wouldn’t have closed so many manufacturing plants in the last 50 years.

With enough votes, Washington will HAVE to listen to us. It’s been too close in the past therefore the WAR-mongers keep on doing their dirty business.

Our nation is divided in far too many ways. We are split socially and economically and it’s at its worst inside the government.

Republicans and Democrats are both Americans with equal rights, yet somehow they are discriminated against based on opinion and fall too favorably to one side or the other without being open to respectful dialogue.

I’m being drastic, but I’m not.

I hope America can pull itself out of the hole she appears to be in. I hope the dollar can climb back up to a realistic value. I hope the Corporations are given less power and local people are able to participate in capital adventures again.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together.

Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together."

-Jason Mraz-

Our country is not the free country, it's not the biggest country in the universe, but it acts as much a miscreant as the biggest country itself. Not just the ruling party, but the opposition as well. We need to wake up and prick ourselves to the biggest thorn on earth - we are not competent in any sort in this world. Our youngsters, in any rate, SUCK at finding work anywhere. So Lets do something this Merdeka - Do your worst to show love for your country if you truly want it to develop. Whether to equip yourself, to be an activist, to actively write in any space. Show that you care, you do love this country.

Be a lover, not a patriot.

Selamat Hari Merdeka.

Almost Forgotten

The weird about my PMS is, I tend to find the oddest stuff possible when my mind's wandering around. This PMS struck me hard enough to allocate time for such eccentricism, I've almost forgotten how is it to be emotional at these precise times.

I don't why but I felt compelled to find for that someone whom I felt very close to through her writings. It was, I think, some time after Form 4 and I was once again clueless and not very sure where I want to go. I was stuck in a science class which was in fact not really the biggest mistake I've made, but close enough. I used to read her column in Section 2, now known as Startwo. I still remember her column comes out every Monday, together with the other columnist Mary Schneider.

Then as I stayed in the library after school, while waiting for my friend as he was the only Add Maths tutor I can ever understand, I somehow chanced upon finding her book, which was a compilation of what she wrote during the earlier editions, the ones which I will not find because I was too young or haven't existed. It was almost like her travelogue, most of it concerning the sights and sounds she experienced being "out there" (I used to call travelling "out there" because I felt hopeless without a passport, and I really loved to travel). I will never see anything high end or classy, but always about India, about Bangladesh, about Africans. About Asia.

Somehow I gathered that travelling was her work, and it had to do with educating women, she chronicled about life trying to give certain education to women, empowering them, letting them know about liberalisation, and the challenges she faced during those times. It was a magical story. She presented in a neutral storytelling way because she initially wanted to chronicle it like it was for her mother. I was enthralled by the stories, dismayed by the women she approached, felt sad for certain consequences she faced, and so on. For a feeble minded Form 4 student, I was thoroughly impressed with her.

You can say, she inspired me into journalism. I loved her stories, I loved her writing. I loved how she put a stand into everything and not making a damn big fuss about it, back when a big fuss was really, something small. Back when journalism actually was of something sensible and sensical (of course, now I know it was all suppression). I loved her travels. I've never been so grateful before for a school library, well known for stocking storybooks instead of real research work but I truly am grateful to find that book at that time.

When I became older I was told that my mom eventually joined her network of e homemakers when she took a 2 year break off working, to build and shape us after our father's passing. I couldn't really say that I'm that excited over that prospect. Homemaking was never my mother's cup of tea and she could never see herself selling things over the internet or even trying to become an internet entrepreneur. I guessed my mom was just too old or too used to physical workload to embrace technology, not as easily as we do.

I didn't like that part of her actually. I prefer the writer part. The one that would make me sit down before she opens yet another chapter of magical stories, unravelling and making me awed. However it seems that most people are impressed with her homemaking network and I won't be surprised. It was an achievement that most people still find amazing as they were the first movers.

And then it came. I don't know who was the last decision maker. I suspected it was The Star rather than herself. (Alright, confirmed it WAS The Star. Sons of bitches!) The end to her column. I should've gaped in horror but she gave me hope by telling us she'd write on her blog, which was her daughter's Christmas present. By then I was already in Journalism, having to be perfectly sure I am not going to fail my language papers, and actually score a damned good grade in English in SPM to reaffirm my decision to join Journalism. (My GSE was B3 though. Argh! Wish I could amend that)

It's been two years since. She hasn't updated that blog of hers, the last I've checked.

I hate to think that my favourite writer has stopped contributing her thoughts and words to inspire so many more others who might find her articles worth a read, in spite of reading other blogs like political-socio ones, like funny witty ones, like personal ones. I hate to think that. But it's been two years.

I've thought alot about other things since then, I've also done my internship, contributed a few of my pieces on the newspaper. I wished I really stopped to think about her, to think about the reason why I'm here, to stay, for good. Sadly I've never, and I've almost forgotten about her. Took me quite awhile before I remembered how cosy it was to be back at the library, re-reading that book, wishing that I was 16 once more, filled with dreams to want to become a journalist, instead of actually stepping inside to do so. But it's just my glimpse in the past, just to relive how it feels like once more.

"Stories for my Mother" was her column name. Chong Sheau Ching was her name. I really missed her writing, but I've almost forgotten her.

If only she starts writing again.....

Almost Died

Hello Hello.

I'm blogging from my campus lab after having like, two classes in between cancelled and the next class will be 2pm. I guess I've abandon this long enough and I should update something again.

I almost got killed by the amount of assignments this year. Maklumlah, Ini dipanggilkan Tahun Akhir. Haven't started Final Year Project, and there's this assignment that deserved to weigh a tonne on the weighing scale. And another few classes that were pissed-off worthy due to the lecturers, and then some tantrums are thrown by other quarters that is sad to say, really turning my life.

What an amazing thing is I've managed to sail it through without throwing a big fit, at most I'll have restless sleep but so far I have yet to bitch around. Much. With loud voices that I want to yell at the world. What an amazing thing.

Don't mind me my thoughts are in shambles due to the many compressed events, I can't just unzip all of them in a simple blog post.

I've found a new love to play with when there's money, so bye bye Sony Ericsson, maybe another time when you've really improved with something worth a mention.

I will also invest in a new laptop when I can. The time has come to move on from the current one I'm using, but nevertheless that laptop has served me well. Time to move on to better gaming, and for once, a laptop with graphics card.

I'm getting kinda sick looking at StarMag's Dear Thelma for some reason. Especially about cases regarding infidelity that involves sex. Made my blood boil for some reason. Some men are just quite disgusting really. Don't want to divorce your wife because you love her and then went to look for younger poon. So nice to fuck meh? I really do wonder what old males think sometimes. In fact, not just old males, any male who cheats, I do wonder what the fuck were they thinking.

I'm being really cynical ever since I return from internship. A lot less tears, a lot more temper. Hmm. I like it though. People don't mess with me that much already.

And H1N1, I never worried about it. Built my immune system long before it became a pandemonium now. I've read Zewt's post and I thank the gods I'm not being sick in the first place. Gladly.

And and,wait, how come macam tarak recession news? Everything a-okay already? Must be la.

Still observing the political arena as usual, nothing much stood out. Even if it did I already missed it and therefore no point to elaborate further. I still like that RPK prank by another blogger though. It definitely shows alot about the professionalism in handling certain news and videos. They really should consider changing the management team or something. RPK's website should be for people who work under dedication for him and not something else.

For some reason, when news of The Nut Graph reported that they could not afford anymore money, somehow certain bloggers' comments section have turned into a bashup, something along the lines of "Padan muka, too much PR news". Hello, you want free media who are able to give different views or be stuck with mainstream news forever? Lets face it, we'll never turn back the time. Times has changed, unless the government feels appropriate to cut the Internet now.

Do you know that DAP now has a restaurant? It's called Rocket United Cafe. Coursemates all like to go there some other time.

What else? I think that's it la, nothing much already. Out of things to tell here.

Bye bye. Ciao ciao.

Anti ISA Rally - A Review

Contrary to my previous blogging styles where I wrote continuously, I'm going to break it down to a few parts because it will cover different segments of what the Anti ISA Rally is about, and what impact will it have on Malaysians in the future. This is one blog post that I do not want my format or my topic to not be in focus.

Included in these segments were questions around blogs and websites (most of them anonymous and stupid) as well as doubts casted by Malaysians upon the reasons for protests and rallies, why must it happen, and many more facts to come. Most of these views are mine and presented by me, so if you want to blast or comment, target me alone. Thanks.

Anti-ISA - Politcally motivated

Many were upset to see the presence of Anwar Ibrahim, Lim Kit Siang, Members of Parliaments, and PAS supporters as they turn up at the rally gather points with massive support. They chose to walk with those who were non affiliated with anyone at all. And for some reason certain bloggers and commenters were abashed that their presence turned the Anti-ISA rally into a political machinery.

My lecturer (the best I've had in years) said this, "We have to make do with what we have in Malaysia, even if it isn't ideal,"

The presence of NGOs are too small and too weak in Malaysia to conjure a major support or even possess enough charisma to gather enough Malaysians so that their points are actually through for the government to see. It is unfortunate that garnering political support could only summon enough to voice out or show strength at the face of the government and the royal institution, pushing them to make a firm decision for the issue they focus on. In this case, the abolishment of ISA.

Had there a really convincing NGO that could muster the support of not just the urbanites, but also the rural citizens, then the organisers can march on without fear, without any political affiliation, with help from the many ordinary people who participated or just provide many information so that the rally could go on peacefully.

But until that time comes, Malaysians will have to make do with what they have, and be used to seeing politicians around the citizen arena, if they want to create a civil society.

Lack of participation of other races

Again, this issue had turned to be really stale with the many comments saying "I don't see Chinese around", "Where's Hindraf?", and "95% semua Melayu aje".

My question:"So?"

What's so apprehensive about having a major race parading and marching around the city? Isn't that exactly what the social structure of our country is like? 70% of Malays, the rest all are smaller portions to make into Malaysia. What is the message these anonymous idiots are trying to pass on? That unfortunately the Chinese, Indians and the other races categorised into "lain-lain" do not seem to care about ISA? That they are ignorant about the growth and development in this country especially when it comes to ISA?

How about this, how many of the people from those races actually have been detained under ISA? Not counting the politicians alike? Close to none. So why should it be their issue? And what is it to say about those from other races who actually came out to campaign and march on with the rest of their Malay brothers? Bravery? Political agenda? Self gain?

Think before anymore mentioned about the lack of participation on other race. How about this plain and simple fact: ISA is wrong, and people are campaigning because it IS wrong, not because of ANYTHING else.

Disruption of peace - Why must it be Kuala Lumpur

This comment takes the cake, and what made me angry the most. A somewhat peaceful rally was disrupting the peace of normal KL civilians around, minding their own shopping business, because of them that the police needed to take action, such as firing tear gasses around when people are still DRIVING, and spraying water aimed at protesters but also towards CARS who were there at the wrong place at the wrong time!

Oh yes, it IS the protesters' fault indeed, because KL civilians are unwittingly worried about their families outside. They could be harassed by protesters everywhere because based on the protesters' incessant slogan shoutings that seemed seditious and noisy to the ears of Malaysians, that marching in public raising fists actually meant destroying their property and wrecking buses, or even *gasp* harassment! That the protesters will go around scaring people and threatens to disrupt businesses!

My my, the protesters are scary indeed, where are the news reports about those worries? Zero, Nada. Zilch, Ling. Disruption of traffic yes, but peace? Malaysians never had peace since the March 08 elections. Get used to it, we are living in turmoil times where disruptions will occur every few months or so.

And why must it be Kuala Lumpur? Why can't they do it somewhere, maybe Kota Kinabalu? Maybe Johor?

Kuala Lumpur is established as a capital city for too many reasons, one being the symbol of Malaysia, what with the best looking architecture, and also a "capital city", generating income and finances enough to power up the full country of Malaysia.

But due to its symbol, it IS and WILL BE used for the many rallies held before times, and in the future. The symbol of development and growth starts in Kuala Lumpur and it will not end just here. Soon many other places might become potential rally points. But as long as it covers federal issues, you can bet that Kuala Lumpur will be the major and ultimate rally points.

This is why Malaysians should be proud of Kuala Lumpur; be proud that it is used as a capital city and a symbol of Malaysia, for different reasons, whether for economic development, or showing stresses of law and order abuse.

Education

I believe the Malaysian citizens should be more educated about the purpose of certain rallies and protests. This is why my FYP had something to do with the media and its educational purposes. The way the media represented issues like ISA are demeaning, if not there's no partiality, and not transparent. They are like wounded dogs (pun: Media supposed to act as watchdog), who could bark but will whine when their pressure points are pressed hard by their owners.

The Online Media have also represented, if not, different individual's view about the protests, rallies, politics, and also about different views. Read them CALMLY. If you don't agree with them, don't end up commenting over something stupid. This is for your educational needs and thinking, not to rebuke or presenting your views harshly.

I guess Malaysians are still far from being civic-minded. But I'd also be beefed if I needed another politician to remind people about having "first class infrastructure, third class mentality".

Lack of awareness

Of course, go on to many of the websites, especially Rocky's Bru, and a couple of other blogs to see the many comments that were demeaning and unsupportive of the Anti-ISA rally, based on the comments above which I have split up to (oddly enough, they are all anonymous. Coincidence?)

The lack of awareness was really frustrating. Especially when it comes with the protest that says it is a disruption of peace. True maybe, for that day, but please tell me any countries that has rised from development without any sort of protest rallies or even riots that occured around the nation.

If you want your country to develop, these must persist to happen because not everyone is like you, who's happy with every policy the government makes or uphold. Not everyone is like that. And as time passed, everyone starts being unhappy with them except you.

So who's being unaware and uncivilised now?

Lack of youth participation

Youths are not many in numbers compare to the many who appeared in the protest march. But I still don't see why is this a big issue. So the youths are worried of the tear gasses and water cannons. Big deal, everyone's afraid of that, plus the threats by police, the arrests. What is it that youths have to participate in it?

And the education that majority of the Malaysian youths received are not exactly giving much exposure on how is it like if people want to join or participate in this. So if there are lack of youth participation, maybe people should start empowering them or providing them the right and necessary information. It is after all, their choice if they want to go or not.

Actions from now on

If dear fellow Malaysians are not the protest kind nor do they want to be caught in the hype, at least follow up on issues that concerned you the most.

Register as a voter, and actually went out to vote. You don't have to announce to the world who you support (since most of you, especially youths out there has a blog). Cast a vote to show about who you really want to see to grasp power.

Read the mainstream media, but if you have access to the internet, go there, read up the other reviews. They may not be pleasant, but thinking and making a decision was never pleasant.

For rally goers, Join a rally when you have the mentality to. It's understandable that not everyone can just march up to the streets with throngs of other people, but when you can and are prepared, calm enough to react without panicking. Go ahead.

Stop asking obvious questions. Most people knew perfectly well why certain events had to go on and yet they don't want to give a definite answer to the questions, fearing that it will be the ultimate answer they have to admit to. Why, you should be doing that now would you?


Conclusion

I remember reading a blog by a girl my age 2 years ago, 2007, when I did not talk much about politics because I don't blog about things I'm not clear of. She was talking about how esctatic is it to join a big crowd, to deliver a memorandum to the Palace 2 years ago. The Bersih rally, the rally before March 08 that further led Pakatan Rakyat into power.

In her own words, "So Inspiring! :)". Her own words, she said she was proud to become part of history, she said her family and her boyfriend were so proud of her. She was not attacked by tear gas or water cannons, and they managed to peacefully hand in the memorandum to the King.

True, it was inspiring written 2 years ago. Me and her, we were both 19, we were both filled with idealistic inspirations, both wished to see that there is hope in Malaysia after all. That triggered me to join political science as a minor, there was even that slightest idealism as we studied the difference between ideals and realism.

2 years later, 2009, I joined the Anti-ISA rally. I was there, because I was being a journalist. I needed news for my mock up newspaper, which was an assignment. All I can think of was to be safe with my friends, not separating from them. I was tear gassed and chemical water was sprayed. My family was not that worried because they know I'm being impartial. Ephyon however, could not resist sms-ing me every few moments just to keep contact with me.

See how different rallies are 2 years ago from now? It's no longer inspiring, it's no longer for an idealistic purpose, but to push and force a reason out from the government, to take practical actions, like abolishing the ISA for good. It's no more fun and games. Rallies will keep happening and happening. Because Malaysians will get more fed up in the end if nothing changes.

As for that girl, nothing was said about her involvement in this rally.

I think she grew up. I think I did too. Learning about political science, and being in internship changed my perception.

Fighting also has a right purpose.

Are you angry?

Yet another innocent man died in the gallows of what should be upholding justice. Are Malaysians angry?

Apparently, yes. They were shocked, saddened by the sudden departure of a budding young man who would have been a fine politician. 30 year old. This is not a big number, it is an age you and I can achieve easily.

He was supposed to marry his darling fiancee who had a 2 month old unborn inside of her, his child. He was to quit the political aide job so that he could be by her side and be in Malacca for the rest of his life raising that innocent child.

He was not the first death to made it to the news headlines. Different personas, same kind of victims. Who did they die to?

We all have the answers. We all know who did this. What is keeping us from taking any action towards them? What made them not wet their own pants?

It is the years of brainwashing led by the geniuses beyond their times. I applauded Dr Mahathir for being part of this propaganda. Being part of this product clearly enlightenned me instead. The majority of the young became wary of joining what it's called politics. Wary, scared, unimpressed, angry. Through education, we have never been taught to challenge the elderly, mainly the educated, the upper class, the wiser ones. No we've never challenged.

Shouldn't it be time to do so? Ask questions, be clear of the situation, do not take answers like "Because it is so" as an answer. Definitely not.

For years, I've observed myself and my mates getting beaten down just because we question the bureaucracy of the system which I called UTAR. We ask again and again to make clear of the situation. However, the ever "warm" course tutor would constantly say sentences like "I hope it clears the situation and no more questions will be asked". Know what it means? It is a silent threat, saying "Ask more, or faced being expelled".

Sigh.

Why? What's with this mentality? Isn't the tertiary educational system being brought up to constantly ask questions? Why? Why? Why? If we are unsure, don't make us follow rules that we do not know nor matters right? What is with this mentality? Tell me?

But for me, at least I know, I'm not angry. If I clearly don't know, I'll ask questions. If not, I'll challenged the lecturer. I've done so before and I'm very sure I will do it again to rational lecturers who see the light behind all of these arguments. It isn't petty, and I do not argue for the sake of arguing. So listen if you want!

So all I do now is ask questions again and again until they feel annoyed, until they felt compelled to answer these questions, until they feel like puking, till they need to tell the truth. Are you that angry, to kill them? To let them have a shorter life just because one of the comrades are dead?

No, I prefer they stay, I prefer that their lives prolonged, so they'll forever see that gush of blood at their hands, that their accidental "oops" slip led a man fell 9 storeys down. That they will live, in constant fear of getting stoned should they be among the public.

Are we angry? Yes we are. But are we going to let the anger get through our heads and resort to cursing them? No.

But if that's the case, more people will die due to injustice wouldn't it? Yes

Darren Kang, A. Kugan, Teoh Beng Hock however, will not die in vain. They have prepared a path for the next election to come. Lets watch and see, how many more people can choose to ignore the very blatent truth in their face and still fleeing themselves from being part of the destruction of society, one that can only be salvaged, when youngsters are going to actually make a move.

Are you angry? Yes, I am.

Are you?

The Death of The King

Michael Jackson

1958 - 2009

"All the world will be your enemy"

"Prince of a thousand enemies"

"And whenever they catch you, they will kill you"


"But first, they must catch you"



"Singer, dancer, musician, King of Pop"

"Be cunning, and you will never be destroyed"

-reference from Watership Down and Supernews: The Death of MTV.

Its cases like these that I wonder if the media have done anything good or have been going down the dogs lately. He Lived and Died under the spotlight of the media.

Thank you for the songs. Rest.

Conflict of Roles

I'm a student

I'm a daughter

I'm a granddaughter

I'm a girlfriend

I'm a sister

I'm a leader

I'm a journalist

I'm a political observer

I.....can't achieve what I really want to do....

Sigh.

I read the guest column by Rin who is currently volunteering for The Nut Graph and honestly I felt that she was truly progressing towards achieving what she really need. I felt good for her...

I couldn't feel good for myself.

Every year as I came into university I'm constantly bogged by the conflict of roles, majority of them coming from family problems.

Fulfil my duty as the eldest daughter, the eldest sister, the granddaughter, the girlfriend...

Then what will happen to my duty as the student, the leader, the political observer, the journalist?

Can I even achieve those without feeling already bogged down by the conflicting roles involving my bond with the family and love? These ties that are filled with so much emotion?

It's easy to take the other roles away because I couldn't be emotionally committed to them. What more with the current baggage that I'm currently carrying. I'd be a living miracle, or a living genius, if I can maintain both committed to my family and what I really want to do?

I'd have wanted to achieve so much, constantly dreaming for a way so that I seize the quickest opportunity to stay focused on what I can and want to do. But unfortunately, until the baggage is lifted from me and I'm relieved of my position do I truly feel that I could be responsible in chasing my dream.

I feel like I'm chasing it half-heartedly. There's no commitment to what this is. Sure, my mom said it easy about studying. Sure, my friend said it easy about going out to play. Without a care in this world? Yea why not, your parents shouldn't be worrying about you now that you're 21 and growing.

How many of you would want to try and live in these shoes? Stay with the grandparents your whole life, and this year you could barely even communicate with your grandmother because she's showing symptoms of dementia and living in denial, unwilling to embrace the fact and bear with her and mom's naggings everytime it concerned about your well-being and wondered why I couldn't score in exams? (I'd like to see you say yes to this. Really)

How many of you would want to leave class and go straight home despite friendly invites by your coursemates to stay and have lunch with them which could possibly for the pleasure of your well-being because these are supposedly the rights enjoyed? Just because your single mother is currently working elsewhere and your grandmother fell ill and have fever?

How many of you would want to constantly live with the agony of knowing your dreams will never be achieved because of family commitments and you know your mother is drumming into your head with the words "money money money can't support"?

I'm envious with everyone without the extra family burden. Living with 3 generations definitely do not make me a better achiever.

Ideally, I could live like Rin. I'd really want her life, fighting for a cause, willing to do what it takes to practise journalism from the best.

But In reality, I'm CiNDi. As if the companies will actually let this flaw be put into consideration. I cannot spread my wings until I'm done with my job, which I was BORN to take, not WILLING to take.

I can't blame anyone for this job. I've given up on asking "why?" to God and also to Mom.

My friend once said, I have the courage because I've did what so many people couldn't do in my personal life.

Will that courage even be reflected into my job? (Actually it has, I don't know. I just feel stupider now by trying to make myself feel better with this meagre of an achievement.)

.........I really wonder, when can I ever stood up and say, I really want to do something, without feeling doubtful or worried about other factors......

Please, if I may, I wish to no more feel the conflict of roles......

I dream of.....

I've been dreaming a lot more compared to before.

But it's most probably due to the fact that I'm graduating soon, that I really want it to end faster.

I've been reading a couple of my friends' blogs recently, and they all desire, not to continue their work in Malaysia. If they can, and God willing, they'd wish to travel outside and try their very best to stay out, enjoy and taste the freedom of being the global citizen.

Some, wished to live the American dream. Visit nightlife, Times Square, all that American culture.

Some, wished to just keep trekking, whether is it jungles, deserts, cities, slums, as long as they can stand on that ground; does it matter if the ground is classy or dirty? They just loved to walk.

I know that nowadays when I really wanted something, I can. All I needed was to take that one step and say "Yes, I'll do it! And it's not for anyone's sake, it's MY sake."

I complained once about wanting to Escape from not just the family, but from everything, including my love. I did it, one year later, after my internship, with a friend. It's not alone, but nevertheless it was a journey unintended for any sort of sightseeing. Just escape la. I did it, and I really felt good, rejuvenated.

Today, I promised myself that I'd trek the forest, and I did. I did a 45-minute stint at the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve, which was, in my opinion, one of the okay forests for its place nearby a LRT station. I still miss FRIM the most, their canopy walks are really breath-taking. You really take in breaths, but it really made you appreciate nature for what it is. I know the forests aren't that small, but my boyfriend insisted that he came along as well and if he didn't, I would've spent more than 45 minutes inside that forest reserve.

But this is me, I'm always having people who cared, and love me, which caused them to worry a lot about me.

But I do wonder, what if my dreams do come true? That the sacrifice I need to make was to actually leave everyone? Mom, family, Ephyon, Friends, people who'd really appreciate my existence in their life?

And yet, my mind lingers, to visiting the old towns of England, to be able to capture the snow in Switzerland, witness beauty of Icelandic waterfalls, cherish that moment of having only myself in France, Italy, England. Living the Berlin dream......

But yet it was a dream filled with obstacles. It's never easy to achieve it. One look at the requirements they needed in international media organisations just for their industrial training alone and I could just faint. Theirs were really demanding, and I kept wondering to myself: What sort of lessons do media students in American colleges and universities go through just to enter this media organisation?

And then I thought: With my qualifications, I'll never be able to enter, and live the dream, the dream of throwing my bag onto my shoulder and just keep on truckin'

If I could live that dream, I guess a few years of being just by myself, that painful separation, no matter what, I guess it will be worth it. It's not that I don't love them, but I'd really really love to go somewhere worthwhile, staying there for a couple of years.

After all, it wouldn't hurt to dream a little bit before letting reality sunk in, right?