Writing it out, just for myself

Dear me,

I've sorely realised the sudden changes of myself, when I begin to ask the stupidest questions ever to the bunch of friends who have seen and cared for me through thick and thin.

My friends were puzzled as to why do I bring up these questions now. I do wonder myself. But no more wondering, I do not want to bring more misery into my life than I have in the first place. I just want to write this story to you.

I begin to question about things that I shouldn't have in the first place. I started having idealistic thoughts about work, and I started feeling jumpy, irritated, angry over the smallest obstacles ever.

Then, I've made a mistake confiding in, of all people, one of the strictest lecturers ever. I've receive a sense of awakenning that I have never felt before after receiving that email. I begin to feel angry at first, questionning on why that email filled with sacarsm was mocking my work. But then, I've cooled down. But at that very same time I've created annoyance to people who were deeply concerned with me.

Sometimes I'm just not the person who is willing to give in to the cycle because I'm a believer of breaking out. However, that does not apply to the working life and definitely will bring me more shame and disgust by the people at work had I seriously stupidly confronted the employers about it. But I didn't. All I did was trying to seek a clarification and I ended up getting blasted.

I know this time I really undermined the work in the line of journalism. I feel ashamed because my assumptions had caused displeasure to so many people who might have been directly or indirectly being affected by it. I shouldn't have given into the temptation of relaxation and the assumption of leisure work, that when I was suddenly thrown into chaos as before, I kept justifying my position.

But in the end the cruel reality is, there is no position. My work was to learn. And to learn I have to work. Hard. Rough. Toughen up. That was my goal and I shouldn't have let the little negative emotions eat me up until I crumble down with no questions ask and no doubt, I was prevented from learning anything at all.

No more justification on who is stricter, who is more lenient. Every employer does things their way and as the one who wants to learn I should accept these learnings with a big heart. I have and as my memory was slowly fading as to who, how, what, when, and where did my confidence start to fade and my heart starts to crumble, I should let it go and concentrate on fulfilling that remaining weeks to come.

It is silly to assume that at these last moments only do those questions pop up. Probably it is precisely that I have too much time in my hands that I begin to question and judge the system. No doubt, that email brought me back to the core and I'm trying my best to stop judging and start learning. None of the media systems are perfect, and I should be really careful by now.

Thank you the email writer, for bring my life back into focus. Your strict wordings had woken me up to the reality I will be plunging in. Might as well give me the wake up call now rather than me getting thrown into the spiral of despair and finally, doing the unthinkable. Thank you for the reminder of what Journalism really was.

I'm sorry to my current coursemates who are interning with me. You had to listen to my unjustified complaints, tolerate my unjustified behaviour, I've been piling massively on unnecessary worries on you guys and now I realised that I must stop doing so. Please if you are reading this, do forgive me for my attitude. I swear I will try to change, or at the very least, revert to who I was before.

To my boyfriend, you were right. All I ever did was complain, and complain about work whenever I see you. I've been giving unneccessary emotional burden because I felt that I have no place to go but to only talk it out with you. Even so, you have never failed to bring me out of misery. With that, I thank you. I don't know what else to say that will not be categorised to being corny.

To my friends in uni, msn and facebook, sorry for being the pessimist for the past few weeks. I'm sorry you had to look at that side of me. I don't know if I was used to be the optimist or the person who tries to cheer everyone up, but I know I've probably let a lot of people down because of my constant complaints. I'm sorry, I hope I didn't do any harm, if I did please give me time to redeem myself.

To my family, they might not read this, but mom had been the most helpful mom I've ever had. Her work experience were wide and it puts me to shame that I could not even last three months, compare to her 30 years. Her wise words brought me out of reality in a calm sort of way unlike the email wrtier who jerked me out of idealistic thoughts. She knew which button I needed to be pushed and she did it very well. Mom, I can never express the many thanks that you've bring to pull me out of my constant struggle with the nothingness. My endless struggle with emotions just kept me trapped, and thank you for pulling me out.

To my colleagues and *cough* boss, if they read blogs, yes, I'm willing to open my heart to learn more and stop thinking that I shouldn't be part of any activities. Truth remains that I still love to be the nosy person to want to know everything about anything. However, if my attitude of late has been really lousy and I didn't seem to want to do work. Then grade me as badly as possible. I deserved it.

To myself, you are on your own now. Now you know why being 21 years old hurts. No more la-la land, no more ideals. Stand on your own two feet and please have some sense of toughenning in yourselves. Your heart is too fragile and a little shock could send you tumbling like a goat. Throw away the negativities. Try and pull yourself up again.

I will pull you up from the constant pessimism you've felt. No more assumptions, just expectations.

I will do it, and be the girl who first went into internship. I write, because my mom said writing will make me feel better.

Writing this memo/note to myself does make me feel so much better. Thank you mom. Thank you. Thank you everyone. Gratitude is the best medicine to defeat pessimism.

Regards,
me