Dear blog

It's so ironic how I have to call you this ain't it? That I promised to only use this channel to highlight about political and social issues which I felt that needs some talking and clarifying about. Never thought this channel would be the only space for me to talk about myself.

I only feel that I don't have any true friends left you know? None I can trust, none that volunteers to listen, none that resist my anger for the sake of listening attentively.

A lot of them heard half of it, and dismiss half of the other claiming that I shouted, being rude, being irrational, unreasonable, and most of all, that they didn't want to hear.

How remarkable. And these people were the ones who said they were willing to listen if I have ever had any problems, that I can feel free to call them or talk to them.

Yesterday they reprimanded me for taking my anger out on them. That they are still willing to listen. But just don't take my anger out on them.

So dear blog, I'm taught to rant and complain, but calmly, without emotion, and most importantly, do not expect them to have a calm reaction in return.

This is the definition of friends in this time of my life. If that is the case, what good of me to continue complaining to them or rant, if they were not willing to understand the tone of my voice, not willing to acknowledge the battered heart that continued to bleed, not willing to see the fact that all I needed was.....just a silent channel....

I understand now. A silent channel. I needed a one-sided confession. I needed someone, or something where I can pour out to, without actually rebuking me back.

Call me emo if you want, anonymous flamers. I am being emo nearing the brink of seclusion. I'm thinking of excusing myself from interacting with them. I can never understand what's going through my mind.

And to think...I had patiently listened to them while trying to help them with solutions. Sure, theirs might not be a blast of anger or a fit of rage. Call it whatever you want. I don't care now. If they think it is unfair, then what of me being unfair for getting cold shoulders and cold-hard stares and glares filled with words of sacarsm whenever I tried asking about them.

Dear blog, I hate to admit this, but they threw my deed out of the window the moment they hear my rant over what they presume was a small thing and a sign of my ignorance that caused my own pain, anger, frustration, and suffering. Yes, I should have consulted them instead of relying totally on my boyfriend's 100% true facts simply because he's a long term resident there and I choose to shut away my window to other opinions. That was how it sounds like.

Sigh....maybe I shouldn't count my blessings. I shouldn't even count the deeds I've ever did. I'm just another miscreant being created by the Almighty God. Just another pitiful human passing by his/her life without looking back of its value.

I'm looking back, and I achieved the greatest when in seclusion, in no contact with humans seeking to put me down upon hearing another rant of mine. That was how my value of life is, to be looked down upon and getting some great achievements I've never received in my entire life. It's always that pattern. It runs in the family, the eldest daughters of the family.

Perhaps, I should stop arguing and start accepting my fate....I'm always an island, because no one understands me.

And they say No man is an island.

I am no man.....I don't even think I'm human to start with

So, in end of this, good bye to whoever I thought I hold dear most, only to realise, that they will never can understand me....

I shouldn't have come out......