Comfort on hard space

I've never felt more content than now, lying down on the floor, feeling the comfort sinking into my very being.

I love sleeping on floors, those with hard surfaces, not carpeted ones. The feeling when smooth marble or peeled wood meets the skin, feeling like the ground is  in tune to you, feeling your energy syncing itself with the ground.

I haven't enjoyed that sensation in a while; I always bring in worries, anxiety, pressure, whenever I feel like lying down on the floor. It has been that way over the last few weeks. It started with the nervous breakdown and then perpetuated by my eagerness to stand up and be healed.

I only manage to figure out that I can't always be the perfect clean slate to show the world. I have to show the world anyway even if I'm not feeling my best, feeling angry and negative over a lot of proposals.

My problem was I believe my emotions are so strong, if it is negative, it'll be absorbed by others, or it'll render me destructive and disruptive. I always try to contain it by suppressing, I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt. But I have to go out and face the world even in pain, because pain is an experience that will go away if I let it go, not hold on to it.

I've been given a chance to recover from a cloud of anxiety that I shrouded myself in with no way of getting out. I have recovered and responding quite well. But if this is any repetition, any challenge I face will push me back to that anxiety again unless I know how to release, get angry, get annoyed.

Now, I just have to build on faith that I'll recover, and I'll be fine, and when I'm fine, I can develop...spiritually or no, that's not the main focus. Focus is still on the self, that my very being has to enjoy the flows of life, listen and anticipate what's to come.

Om mani padme hum