Why not a Journal?

Why not go back to using a journal? Because I'm strangely bad at keeping paper journals. I don't take care of books that well. I let them go to dust, their pages can yellow for all I care, I don't mind bringing them around the dinner table and I'd just wipe off any food stain there is to continue reading, and I love writing, but not enough to keep it in a book, seeing as I couldn't care a lot for it, despite being quite an avid reader myself.

In fact, this blog contains the biggest collection of writing I've had, even if the frequency of coming here dropped quite a bit over the past few years, because of that perceived notion that I shouldn't be a ranty teenager. Anyways, like I said, I've come back at the right time when attention for Blogger is quite low, and so many writing platforms are out there, be it on Wattpad, Tumblr, Medium, I think I can lay low and not care.

Part of it is perhaps narcissistic, maybe I still want someone to read this and sought me out. Or maybe it just flows better when I write online, with a preferred font, a preferred background, with my identity somewhat less known now.

I have to. My mind's a mess. I'm thinking of doing so many things but without clarity, it's hindering how I work. It doesn't matter now what I work or where I work. When the core issues are there, I can't work, period. Perhaps I need as much verbal diarrhea as possible, just an outpouring of grief, hate, anger (not to the point of bigotry or extremism, mind. I'm not that uncouth, gosh), but a place where I can be honest to me, why I have been avoiding people, why I have been avoiding feelings, why I can't be bothered to explore. Then I can go back to being normal, being able to meditate, being able to perceive things, being able to express anger, annoyance, without being afraid of people's judgment.

I can't think of anything anymore to say. If I was angry at something or someone, it's not bubbling to the surface. But I do feel a lot of anxiety and pain. Perhaps anger, perhaps dissatisfaction, perhaps helplessness.

There will be another post. Don't worry. Right now, I'm feeling a lot of release just being able to write, express, having an avenue. I do have friends to talk to, I do have to find ways to open up my pain, but for now, it starts here, and then slowly I can bring it up to everywhere else.