Tears and progress

I'm so tired
I'm tired of having to think of how else can I boost my account balance
I'm so tired of having to think of maintenance
I'm tired of feeling the inability to chase my dreams.

"You just have to know when to let go"
I want to, but I'm scared...i feel like no one can support me like this.

I just burst into tears for no reason again...I'm not the most unfortunate person on earth...people like that usually do not have a voice online (or maybe now they do, what with the advent of internet these days. Just read an article of how a refugee went through several countries with the help of facebook. Fucking unbelievable).

I'm a lethal combination of being a shitty money saver and yearning to be a big spender. I spend, I really spend, I love spending, and I usually only spend within my means, but it depresses me when I have to count every dollar, taking into account every penny, wanting to spend just that bit more but also want to keep saving more, unwilling to face with an empty bank account with so many debts.

I have too many commitments and I have to cut down

I've been reading my past posts and I realised I have so much negativity, expressing so much fear of the unknown, but each time I remember bouncing back with a vengeance and it felt like I could conquer the world again.

So why is it so hard this time? Maybe I have too much inside...maybe I just need to keep releasing them whether it's through tears or incoherent writing.

Okay, lets switch it up. What has happened during the four years when I've not written anything here?

1) i've became an actual reporter. One that people said looked promising...if only there wasn't so many things happening to me

2) i've learnt German A2 and i'm quite proud of it. Ich habe die Deutschsprache selbst gelernt, dann habe ich ins Goethe-Institut gelernt. Currently waiting for results from a scholarship. Whatever the case, I have to feel positive.

3) i've become close friends with some reporters, they've been some of the best mates of my life. They've tolerated my insecurities, my incessant rants...they even put me back on my feet when I was late to a Ielts test, thus missing one round and unable to pay myself for a second one. I feel grateful and also unable to return them anything.

4) I started a really daring project with my friend, it was a website about SEA youths and their stories, when we did it, it was quite spectacular, but unfortunately lack of funding and our tendency to have to cover our asses first meant the project flopped, and with it, the website was gone too.

5) I wrote some of the best stories about teenagers and their passion for debate, unfortunately, that website too flopped, the one that contains my byline. But I'm not mad, I understand why.

6) My love for music remains, but currently edging towards more indie/psychedelic rock, with some occasional pulls to mainstream pop from other countries, like Kpop.

7) I fell head over heels in love with a guy that was exceedingly better than the ex in every way. In ambition, in status, in passion. But it was sadly one-sided. I went crazy for him, he didn't respond because we were so different, different nationalities, different mindset, and he had just broken up with a girl then. But for that two weeks, it was bliss knowing him. After the depression, i unfriended him.

8) I find myself missing dead people a lot. My dad, my grandma...i keep trying to recreate the food that she makes. As for my dad, I don't need to do much. I'm a constant reminder to my mom of what he was. Only I'm slightly better and I had sought help in dealing with my emotions and pain. I lost my cousin this year too to an accident. But I have a cousin niece and nephew, them adorable cherubs will make anyone smile.

9) I'm not bitter at the ex, at the old life anymore these days...there was a lot of confusion in my initial posts about how I got confuzzled on how i'm going to juggle friendships with him. Time gave a better answer, and in the midst of all that workload, i've lost touch with most of them, some of them unfriended me, i've unfriended them...which is fine, really...because the measure of friendship isn't based on how many are there on Facebook. I've just gotten very blasé about it all...and to think I used to care so much about what he thinks or says...now? Nah...

10) It's difficult to find the peace and quiet within me. I achieved that once...but when faced with new challenges, it's the same tiring story again of fucking up, crying at the corner, not knowing what to do...rinse and repeat...meditation helps but seeking spirituality instead of letting spirituality develop are two very different things. Like I said in my last post, unconditional love, unconditional giving, are theories I can learn and memorise but difficult to execute and push out.

Whew. Positivity is a great thing. I feel a lot of happiness just being able to list out the things i've done over the last four years, even though not all of it are happy, but at least it shows that i've grown throughout the years. I've learnt life lessons...i feel strangely calmer than when I started the post.

Stay tuned, there's more to come. I have so much to pour out.