Everything mess

I want to be everything I've ever worked myself to be.

I want to be a journalist, but the news industry is a fucking disaster, with fucking corporations shortchanging humans as they please, human emotions don't matter, we don't matter, fuck all that. But I'm tired, I can't chase stories hoping for the human heart to open up. My heart, sealed, in so much pain because all the negativity is just swirling around me only. I feel like exploding. I feel like I don't belong. I don't want to belong. Where the fuck can I belong?

I'm a useless eldest. I don't have a stable income. I don't have a proper job. My mom's constant talking about retirement scares me. Worst still, I'm not being understood enough by the family. We get by just by interacting but they don't know me. I tried to tell them and all they do is laugh and look at me weirdly. We are so similar and yet we're not. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself for being unable to organise and operate like a human being.

I want to write but I can't write anything because I'm scared of experiencing euphoria, grief, excitement, I just want peace and stability in mind but to achieve that I have to go through a catacombs' worth of emotions and I cannot contain them.

Fuck you! Why am I made like this? Why can't I just be somebody who seem to be able to manage it all? Why must I be made into this emotional mess of a human being without a proper channel to get out of? Fuck you for making me this way! Fuck you for making me this narcissistic jerk that has no other avenue other than a blog. Fuck you because I want to learn how to love but all I know is to hate.

I really hate myself for having depression, for not having enough money to go see my psychologist, for having a health insurance that covers everything BUT my mental brain, for relying on a part-time job because I don't dare to come back to the working world. I want to scream! Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs at everything that's running wrong with this country, for all the bullshit uttered, repeated, rinsed and then repeat some more. 

I hate the current world that drenches itself with overwhelming nostalgia about a time that has long since passed, that our cultural cultivation goes so much as to repeat yet another cycle. No breaks. Fuck, innovation is so difficult to find, spot, and support. But I fucking hate it, and I fucking hate it even more now that our country is going to be part of that system that supports that kind of cultural hegemony because they needed our economy.

I hate that all the activism in the world will not solve our problems if we don't fix the system and that the system won't be fixed until blood was shed. I hate that we have all our personal worries to settle before we can tackle the big stuff. I hate reacting with indifference or anger. I hate seeing people trying things in vain but with no results and with no difference or impact made.

I'm just so tired, I'm so judgmental about everything and everyone and I can't seem to stop hating.

It's easier to hate because it's much harder to love. I don't want to love anything that doesn't love me back. I'm not really of a sound mind and I have so much inside that I have to keep releasing. It's easier to see how other people love each other (that's why I'm really into family reality series, not the fake-ass kind that America produces. Fuck no). That's why it's easier to empathise with others, when I hear their stories, but then there's always that one person who does it even better at giving.

Unconditional giving, unconditional love and unconditional receipt of those love....I underestimated it when I first learnt it. Now I feel the full effects of it, it's so painfully relieving. Painful because it forces me to let go, but relieving because letting go is really relieving.

This will not be the end of it. There is more. More postings to come. But I have to. The release is relieving. Om mani padme hum.