Unblock the blockage

I'm back. I'm here. I decided to continue writing here again when nothing goes right for me at this age. I was reminded that I spent a lot of time on this and I have forgotten what I used to do.

Indeed, I have forgotten. This was a place that I wanted to bury forever, with no intention of reviving. A place where I can occasionally come back to remisnice the old days and remember how immature (or advanced yet naive) I was back in the days, to find courage in those writings at times when I feel like everything will break.

I thought I was done being a ranty teenager, somebody who just keeps complaining about nothing and exaggerating about everything.

How wrong I was.

It wasn't until today that someone told me, I should write again, because all those things I suspected about myself, that I thought will go away if I started acting more "adult", those suspicions is actually true

I complained a lot about my mom not being able to fully understand me here, and several years later, in year 2015, she confirmed that indeed, she doesn't try to understand despite being given the opportunity to. I opened my heart for her only for her to insist on doing things her way. There was no compromise...compromise isn't her vocabulary.

But perhaps being an "adult" meant that instead of feeling angry about those insistence, it's actually emphathising with her situation which makes me a better person than her being bitter and holding on.

Blogging (or reduction of blogging) isn't that symbol of growing up...it's just shutting myself off.

I used to have social media to do all the expressing but even I grow to hate that space. So much despise, so much yearning for self-improvement and yet so much sharing of emotions that doesn't feel real.

I miss writing, just for the sake of pouring it out, no philosophising, no judgment, no need to put on a mask and tell everybody everything is just fine. I used to think I can contain them, emotions, but god, they overwhelm. They overwhelm so much, and when a human container overflows with emotions, it just explodes or ceased to function like usual.

I've been blocked from emoting and unable to express my desires because I deemed blogging and writing about feelings childish and I'm afraid of beibg judged. But in the age where no one really reads Blogger anyway, who the fuck will care now?

So four years and one (several?) depressive attacks later, I declare this blog open again. I cannot promise that everything said here from now on will be written with logic. Most of it will be emotion. There's going to be tears and unnecessary hatred.

But I need this. It's called My Wild Thoughts for a reason. It's supposed to run wild on an ignored corner of the interwebs, and it's better than keeping it inside me, only for me to explode. I need this to stay alive.

I've decided to stay alive so I'll do what it takes to make sure that is maintained, even if I have to open up an old blog to document my feelings, get my anger out, yell, scream, write poetry, make stupid comments about stupid things, rant, banter, analyse...

I'm not linking it to other social media platforms anyway. If you found my blog active again...congrats, you're my reader again.