Surprise.
Yeap, I've decided to change my blogger template to this to distinguish what is my personal blog and what is my public one. I've decided to make this personal. The public one is out there somewhere. You just need to look for it. I have yet to add new things into it yet.
I have other surprises too. I found that for the first time in many years, I did not dread Chinese New Year's Eve. Previously my perception has been clouded by years of not seeking any attention from the relatives, but so many people have since left this clan, it's no longer exciting nor fun. It's just an obligation.
My cousins though, tried something different. They called it "Cousin bonding time", told us to all come out and play card games like mafia, so on so forth. It's different since they used to be the ones who do not try to talk to any of us. Maybe they've grown up, matured abit, that we could blend together. But it's abit hard to repair past relationships ever since. Me thinks the Chinese New Year Eve will always be like that, not exciting enough.
Relatives have been asking me when I graduate. When I tell them the date they'll ask what I plan to do. And, as if it was an embarassing thing to do, my mom would tell them my intentions to work overseas (it's still a thought, I don't know if I can, it'll be nice if I can). And then they suggested me to learn business. Good trade, good knowledge, increases experience. Bah >_>, them business-minded fellas. What's sad is that since they don't know how the media works (being the only one in it, ha), I find it hard to explain to them, especially when my experience limits to that 3 months of writing safe news, as my lecturer calls it.
My maternal side of relatives were a lot easier to deal with, and so much nicer, at least they don't ask that kind of questions. I think it's because I see them much more often than I see my paternal side. It was really funny because this year, we booked to go to Overseas Restaurant, a private room, and there was this karaoke machine. My whole family (well, almost whole family) went berzerk, looking for songs, and singing songs I've known since childhood aloud. We are all karaoke fanatics really. And I just sang, sang my heart out. I don't want to be the reluctant one since, well, I was the oldest of all the cousins there.
It was new, something different, I feel that this year my perceptions that I used to hold were challenged. But I happily disregard them, I never liked to look at things negatively and rightfully, this turn of change allows me to drop that thought. I honestly wish after this year, next year will also be the same, happy, non-intrusive Chinese New Year where I'll be happy to share my experience, I think.
I think I'll stop here, the throat infection's been getting into me, I'm in the midst of transferring my old stuff from my old laptop to the new one, and I want to get used to the new device. Yeap =), I've gotten the Blackberry Onyx and the Laptop. Full review of the Blackberry after transfer is complete.
Oh, and I registered to be a voter today =). Life is good.
If you have any comments, please feel free to email me. I've updated my email, no longer relying on Marc's email LOL. The comments are still filled with spam though. If anyone know what to do, email me too. Thank you!
And yes, that is my name.
Bye. Happy Chinese New Year. May you have many pleasant surprises in return too.
Three
Posted by
cDi
Since I still have that little more time, I guess I'll conjure a post about the third year.
It was the year of so many changes for me and him.
We changed a lot, undergoing two internships in one year, fought a lot more than usual, have become more honest with each other (hence the increase in arguments), and still have so much love for each other.
But it's like going back to square one. Gone were the days where his idealists views, measured with my real-time experiences, that we find it so hard accepting each other sometimes. Going through those two internships, and having me moving to another campus just gives us more time to discover ourselves, and fortunately or not, to learn even more about each other.
Ephyon in 2007 is never Ephyon in 2010.
And to tell anybody who cared about this relationship, it is actually in the state of mending itself. I have learnt throughout my 2009 that I should have just kept to my principles before I let anyone tamper over it and make decisions I don't like to keep using. I guess my stubbornness paid off somewhat, and now people are better at seeing how I really am before they presume what I'm not.
Unfortunately, I can't do the same to him. We are both just too stubborn.
The fact that I've detached myself from almost everyone right from the start of this year spells a doom in my relationship with them for the coming years of my life. The fact that I've detest a few upcoming events might make me look like another loser in the group (which I don't mind losing, I've been adamant at leaving and not turning back). But due to the fact that this group was the very thing Ephyon and I and this bunch of people whom I know since Foundation have built, it was meant to last. With more and more additional beings into the group which I personally don't feel necessary. Which is why I want to leave, coupled with a few hates that I have bore for the past few years, and it's a signal for me to go.
I'm honest with myself and with the others, but Ephyon never once want me to hurt any of his friends through my brash and selfish actions. I hate it when he goes against my will with reasonings that was sometimes illogical.
It gets very complicated sometimes and I don't fancy being in a relationship anymore. I'm sure at some points he might also feel the same. There is a certain restriction, there is a certain bond that needs upkeeping. I can't just dump the relationship to go on another trail of my life, and I will be forced to do another balancing act once I'm out in the open in the working world.
If you ask me now, I honestly don't know where this relationship will be heading. It's a miracle it reached the third year, and I can still write about the same guy for so long. It's amazing, coming from a non-existing vow, a barely needed chase, a seal of a kiss between a girl and a boy who don't know what lies ahead of them.
With all this faced it could also mean there are going to be several more challenges ahead of us. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I can make it, not after the two internships which was truly an eye-opening factor for both me and him.
It's times like this I'm also glad that I got this great man at the same time who's willing to offer half of his life to share with me, something I'm still unwilling to return sometimes. I'm grateful that he was partly the reason why I'm going to go back to my old self, because he was comfortable enough to allow me to. Therefore, I might look like a shut-in from the outside, from people who don't know me, but in truth, I have priorities and principles, and only he sees it. Hopefully my other friends see it too.
With that said, I think it's time I give him a proper identity. Calling him Ephyon was never my favourite, because I feel like it's just yet another virtual name amongst the various virtual ones we have. But thankfully he does have an English name, therefore not only give him some sense of identity for my writing, but still protects his anonymity, somewhat.
Say hello to Marc. The name Ephyon will be put to rest.
What will happen between me and Marc this year, I honestly don't know. But hopefully we'll have many more years to come that we could cherish, that my ambitions do not deter this relationship, that maybe, just maybe, a proper space between the both of us, so that no one else could interfere anymore.
That's all. I love you Marc.
P.S: I'm going to close the comment boxes for the time being. Too many spams around it. Thanks.
It was the year of so many changes for me and him.
We changed a lot, undergoing two internships in one year, fought a lot more than usual, have become more honest with each other (hence the increase in arguments), and still have so much love for each other.
But it's like going back to square one. Gone were the days where his idealists views, measured with my real-time experiences, that we find it so hard accepting each other sometimes. Going through those two internships, and having me moving to another campus just gives us more time to discover ourselves, and fortunately or not, to learn even more about each other.
Ephyon in 2007 is never Ephyon in 2010.
And to tell anybody who cared about this relationship, it is actually in the state of mending itself. I have learnt throughout my 2009 that I should have just kept to my principles before I let anyone tamper over it and make decisions I don't like to keep using. I guess my stubbornness paid off somewhat, and now people are better at seeing how I really am before they presume what I'm not.
Unfortunately, I can't do the same to him. We are both just too stubborn.
The fact that I've detached myself from almost everyone right from the start of this year spells a doom in my relationship with them for the coming years of my life. The fact that I've detest a few upcoming events might make me look like another loser in the group (which I don't mind losing, I've been adamant at leaving and not turning back). But due to the fact that this group was the very thing Ephyon and I and this bunch of people whom I know since Foundation have built, it was meant to last. With more and more additional beings into the group which I personally don't feel necessary. Which is why I want to leave, coupled with a few hates that I have bore for the past few years, and it's a signal for me to go.
I'm honest with myself and with the others, but Ephyon never once want me to hurt any of his friends through my brash and selfish actions. I hate it when he goes against my will with reasonings that was sometimes illogical.
It gets very complicated sometimes and I don't fancy being in a relationship anymore. I'm sure at some points he might also feel the same. There is a certain restriction, there is a certain bond that needs upkeeping. I can't just dump the relationship to go on another trail of my life, and I will be forced to do another balancing act once I'm out in the open in the working world.
If you ask me now, I honestly don't know where this relationship will be heading. It's a miracle it reached the third year, and I can still write about the same guy for so long. It's amazing, coming from a non-existing vow, a barely needed chase, a seal of a kiss between a girl and a boy who don't know what lies ahead of them.
With all this faced it could also mean there are going to be several more challenges ahead of us. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I can make it, not after the two internships which was truly an eye-opening factor for both me and him.
It's times like this I'm also glad that I got this great man at the same time who's willing to offer half of his life to share with me, something I'm still unwilling to return sometimes. I'm grateful that he was partly the reason why I'm going to go back to my old self, because he was comfortable enough to allow me to. Therefore, I might look like a shut-in from the outside, from people who don't know me, but in truth, I have priorities and principles, and only he sees it. Hopefully my other friends see it too.
With that said, I think it's time I give him a proper identity. Calling him Ephyon was never my favourite, because I feel like it's just yet another virtual name amongst the various virtual ones we have. But thankfully he does have an English name, therefore not only give him some sense of identity for my writing, but still protects his anonymity, somewhat.
Say hello to Marc. The name Ephyon will be put to rest.
What will happen between me and Marc this year, I honestly don't know. But hopefully we'll have many more years to come that we could cherish, that my ambitions do not deter this relationship, that maybe, just maybe, a proper space between the both of us, so that no one else could interfere anymore.
That's all. I love you Marc.
P.S: I'm going to close the comment boxes for the time being. Too many spams around it. Thanks.
To Bitch
Posted by
cDi
comments (6)
I'm sorry for being away for so long. The thesis finally caught up to me. But since I'm awaiting feedback, I guess I could compose a little something, just anything to keep my mind out of it.
I've been really frustrated and angered by negativity and I feel like having some kind of space to rant out. If people were to try and talk me out of this my suggestion is to just stay away. I'm pure angry.
I have this really unlawful feeling towards girls. Not just any girls, but girls who generally feel weak and unprotected. They think the whole world owes them something, therefore they'd stop at nothing to exert every single pity they can from people. Bummer.
I once had knew this girl through those idol forums. We chatted abit, I think she was one year younger than me. Pretty looking lass, since we exchanged pictures. Mine left nothing to desire of course. But we often chat on MSN, because that's where my free time went when you're 15 and out of PMR.
Well back to pretty lass. It started off about our admiration for idols who gets sponsored, and sponsored a free phone as well. We marvel about handphones because it's impossible for us to get and secure one for our needs. Then she told me, how sad she was. She was using a Nokia. She wanted to upgrade to a new phone, but her parents do not allow her to. So she was ranting, complaining about it, said it was restricting her freedom (god knows what freedom, but whatever LOL), and then she said she cried a lot thinking about that upgrade that never happened.
I'd think she expected pity, because when I said "I'm sharing, with my sister, one number, one phone, a shitty Alcatel one at that". Hoping to tell her there are people out there less fortunate and she should widen her perspectives abit.
She called me a liar.
Only then I threaten to show her my late father's picture (I don't know how did it lead to that) that she knew I was telling the truth. She apologised for those words.
But, she stopped talking to me after that.
Then I felt that she was truly an idiot to not appreciate what her parents had done to her. And then I think to myself, would I be pushed to live this kind of life if the circumstances did not turn against me?
It was after this incident, I try not to talk about my past life. It's too harsh for currently living standards. I'm honest. Nobody could imagine living the life I used to live. In fact, even my current life also no one wants to live in it.
Hence, the only reason why I feel very strongly towards girls (or bitches, when I'm angry) who couldn't stand up for themselves when they need to. It just makes my blood boil when they cannot find their own solution and have to rely on others to make their lives easier. I mean, come on, it's your friggin life, you don't need someone to assist you every step away.
Then people would say, oh sure, YOU don't know what it feels. YOU are not studying at another state like THEY are. YOU have the advantage what. What's with the fuss?
Anyone who told me that, will get a big FUCK YOU.
Even if I don't live in other states, Hello, you think Kuala Lumpur is easily conquered with the wave of a finger? I also went through trouble before I could reach certain destinations, ON MY OWN mind! You think like you? Had to rely on someone else just because, maybe because, you don't know the function of Google Maps Hmm?
Of course, sometimes it can't be helped if some of my girl pals feel helpless due to lots of parental restrictions towards them (and sometimes me). And I believe if you have the time, do some THINKING before opening your mouth to ask. Your brains are there for thinking and research.
Goddamnit, and I get even angrier sometimes because it's so close to home for me =(. I can't avoid it, nor can I solve it, because my solution is too harsh for current situations it seems. All I do is just wait till my Feminism barometer reaches its limit. What happens after that might just change my whole life forever.
I feel like a bitch bitching about it, but if I don't I'll just become angrier. Sometimes, its towards friends whom I'm close to, sometimes its towards people whom I've started to dislike. It's a terrible trait, but I absolutely view weak-shits with disdain. Plenty of it.
What am I to do to get those bitches to wake up? A tight slap, will that be good enough? A simple scolding and telling off, will that be alright? A good advice on how to survive yourself?
In any case, somebody was quoted to saying I can't change the world, but goddamnit, can I change the people around me to stop being so vulnerable to these weakshits? Who knows, as my other friend say, Maybe because people are lonely, so they always try to seek company. Yeah, probably so lonely they seek these people out to give them all the comfort they need. Win-win situation.
In times like this, I'm glad my favourite "Don't Fuck With Me" blogger is around to be read. She has a family, four sons somemore. What I like best is that her husband listens whenever she has something to complain. And yes, she has the problem with weakshits too. Except, hers was a guy. Mine....don't even talk about mine. Can't talk, don't talk, don't want to talk. Enormously plagued.
I need more "Don't Fuck With Me" bloggers around. So that one day, I'll really say those words, and hopefully weakshits be away from my life.
Actually there's another solution. But it takes two to tango. The letting go part of tango.
Sigh.
Sorry, maybe no post of the Third Year. Mostly it will be caused by me being busy. Nothing more. I think.
Since I feel better now, I'm going to resume to preparing the presentation.
Mini stress one - check.
I've been really frustrated and angered by negativity and I feel like having some kind of space to rant out. If people were to try and talk me out of this my suggestion is to just stay away. I'm pure angry.
I have this really unlawful feeling towards girls. Not just any girls, but girls who generally feel weak and unprotected. They think the whole world owes them something, therefore they'd stop at nothing to exert every single pity they can from people. Bummer.
I once had knew this girl through those idol forums. We chatted abit, I think she was one year younger than me. Pretty looking lass, since we exchanged pictures. Mine left nothing to desire of course. But we often chat on MSN, because that's where my free time went when you're 15 and out of PMR.
Well back to pretty lass. It started off about our admiration for idols who gets sponsored, and sponsored a free phone as well. We marvel about handphones because it's impossible for us to get and secure one for our needs. Then she told me, how sad she was. She was using a Nokia. She wanted to upgrade to a new phone, but her parents do not allow her to. So she was ranting, complaining about it, said it was restricting her freedom (god knows what freedom, but whatever LOL), and then she said she cried a lot thinking about that upgrade that never happened.
I'd think she expected pity, because when I said "I'm sharing, with my sister, one number, one phone, a shitty Alcatel one at that". Hoping to tell her there are people out there less fortunate and she should widen her perspectives abit.
She called me a liar.
Only then I threaten to show her my late father's picture (I don't know how did it lead to that) that she knew I was telling the truth. She apologised for those words.
But, she stopped talking to me after that.
Then I felt that she was truly an idiot to not appreciate what her parents had done to her. And then I think to myself, would I be pushed to live this kind of life if the circumstances did not turn against me?
It was after this incident, I try not to talk about my past life. It's too harsh for currently living standards. I'm honest. Nobody could imagine living the life I used to live. In fact, even my current life also no one wants to live in it.
Hence, the only reason why I feel very strongly towards girls (or bitches, when I'm angry) who couldn't stand up for themselves when they need to. It just makes my blood boil when they cannot find their own solution and have to rely on others to make their lives easier. I mean, come on, it's your friggin life, you don't need someone to assist you every step away.
Then people would say, oh sure, YOU don't know what it feels. YOU are not studying at another state like THEY are. YOU have the advantage what. What's with the fuss?
Anyone who told me that, will get a big FUCK YOU.
Even if I don't live in other states, Hello, you think Kuala Lumpur is easily conquered with the wave of a finger? I also went through trouble before I could reach certain destinations, ON MY OWN mind! You think like you? Had to rely on someone else just because, maybe because, you don't know the function of Google Maps Hmm?
Of course, sometimes it can't be helped if some of my girl pals feel helpless due to lots of parental restrictions towards them (and sometimes me). And I believe if you have the time, do some THINKING before opening your mouth to ask. Your brains are there for thinking and research.
Goddamnit, and I get even angrier sometimes because it's so close to home for me =(. I can't avoid it, nor can I solve it, because my solution is too harsh for current situations it seems. All I do is just wait till my Feminism barometer reaches its limit. What happens after that might just change my whole life forever.
I feel like a bitch bitching about it, but if I don't I'll just become angrier. Sometimes, its towards friends whom I'm close to, sometimes its towards people whom I've started to dislike. It's a terrible trait, but I absolutely view weak-shits with disdain. Plenty of it.
What am I to do to get those bitches to wake up? A tight slap, will that be good enough? A simple scolding and telling off, will that be alright? A good advice on how to survive yourself?
In any case, somebody was quoted to saying I can't change the world, but goddamnit, can I change the people around me to stop being so vulnerable to these weakshits? Who knows, as my other friend say, Maybe because people are lonely, so they always try to seek company. Yeah, probably so lonely they seek these people out to give them all the comfort they need. Win-win situation.
In times like this, I'm glad my favourite "Don't Fuck With Me" blogger is around to be read. She has a family, four sons somemore. What I like best is that her husband listens whenever she has something to complain. And yes, she has the problem with weakshits too. Except, hers was a guy. Mine....don't even talk about mine. Can't talk, don't talk, don't want to talk. Enormously plagued.
I need more "Don't Fuck With Me" bloggers around. So that one day, I'll really say those words, and hopefully weakshits be away from my life.
Actually there's another solution. But it takes two to tango. The letting go part of tango.
Sigh.
Sorry, maybe no post of the Third Year. Mostly it will be caused by me being busy. Nothing more. I think.
Since I feel better now, I'm going to resume to preparing the presentation.
Mini stress one - check.
Dearest Moon
Posted by
cDi
comments (4)
Whisper thy fears to thine ears
What troubles thee?
That shroud of loneliness
Possess thouest heart of gold
Turning it into burning stone
Discomfort and disbelief
Began the course of overwhelming
Taking over thine precious sanity
Wail thy sorrows to thine shoulders
What causes thee?
That unfaithfulness in reality
Proceeds to crush thou
How thy life began it woving
When thou art weak, unwilling
What happens thouest strength?
Creeping behind? Unthinking?
Seek thy wine and toast
To the unsatiable
Unfathomable, untrustable, unreliable
Laugh at thine face, thou need
For thou had no more
Who resides in thouest corner?
Could herd that pitfall near
Pushes all judgmentalisms
Back to thee?
Hard to comprehend, thine dearest Moon
How dost thou be the last hope of thine sanity?
How dost feelings turn to numerical, which calms thine soul?
How dost, of all things, a tragedy waiting to be repeated, hurts the most?
Woven and woven again I feel
The complications that stabs thine heart
The unapproachables robs thine mind
The murkiest, grossful, wretched knowledge!
Feels up to thine sleeves taking over! ME!
And thus, Dearest Moon.
Herein lies the author ought to be
Merciful under thy hands
Begging for comfort, for a smell of white freedom
For the longing, for the desire, for the abosh
For Dearest Moon
I shall crawl under thy hands
seeking for that last smile that belongs
to me...
What troubles thee?
That shroud of loneliness
Possess thouest heart of gold
Turning it into burning stone
Discomfort and disbelief
Began the course of overwhelming
Taking over thine precious sanity
Wail thy sorrows to thine shoulders
What causes thee?
That unfaithfulness in reality
Proceeds to crush thou
How thy life began it woving
When thou art weak, unwilling
What happens thouest strength?
Creeping behind? Unthinking?
Seek thy wine and toast
To the unsatiable
Unfathomable, untrustable, unreliable
Laugh at thine face, thou need
For thou had no more
Who resides in thouest corner?
Could herd that pitfall near
Pushes all judgmentalisms
Back to thee?
Hard to comprehend, thine dearest Moon
How dost thou be the last hope of thine sanity?
How dost feelings turn to numerical, which calms thine soul?
How dost, of all things, a tragedy waiting to be repeated, hurts the most?
Woven and woven again I feel
The complications that stabs thine heart
The unapproachables robs thine mind
The murkiest, grossful, wretched knowledge!
Feels up to thine sleeves taking over! ME!
And thus, Dearest Moon.
Herein lies the author ought to be
Merciful under thy hands
Begging for comfort, for a smell of white freedom
For the longing, for the desire, for the abosh
For Dearest Moon
I shall crawl under thy hands
seeking for that last smile that belongs
to me...
Approaching 2010
Posted by
cDi
comments (3)
I wanted to post a set of lyrics I've created because I thought it was funny. Therefore I've made a quick search around this whole year, the things I've posted to see if I could tally with that.
And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.
It must have been a shitty year for me.
I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.
I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.
Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)
I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.
I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.
Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.
I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.
Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.
My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.
As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.
My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.
The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.
But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.
So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.
It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.
That said, it served me well.
And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.
Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.
My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.
My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.
My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.
My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.
My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.
Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.
And I will have a better 2010.
And I realised, I do not have anything so signifyingly happy to be announced over in this blog.
It must have been a shitty year for me.
I started off with a lot of hopes about internship, only to have my confidence ripped, robbed, and thrown into trash, not only by the supervisors, but also by some interviewees as well.
I've written certain things about people and they began to shun me for who I am and prefer to see me as I have been before, in 2008, when I actually wrote impressive articles that deserves attention, getting me readers like eyeris or zewt. I can't believe in one year's time I've shifted to become this pathetic little sod. No wonder eyeris don't read this crap anymore.
Then, as I move to a new campus, I was doing fine, until I got partially affected by the acts of Ephyon who couldn't adjust to his own internship, which I suffered emotionally because I don't understand him. Compare to my job, his was easy and all he needed was endurance and mentality. (he could disagree but since this is my blog....)
I've shared a lot of things in common with other people that I've never imagined possible, and they've brought me into a different light on the outlook of life and how I should live it.
I've aesthetically changed. Previously, weight was never a bother to me, but seeing that I cannot ignore my mother's nagging after yet another huge argument about my weight, I begin to cut down on my eating and focus on my exercise. I have to say my efforts were good so far but I'm taking it slow since I still needed energy for studying. That made me really vain and I kept looking for new clothes to try on. Experimented with make up and like the effects I've created on myself.
Unfortunately, it gives me a lot of desire. Materials which were previously unreachable to me are now in my budget because I want it or I need it. With Ephyon's capabilities it did not stop me from owning a lot of things. Albeit, I must say, it is really comparatively small compare to what other girls have asked of their boyfriends.
I've had incidences that changes the way I looked at things for a long time. For example, I am to be an aunt to a friend who now bears a child. If you're wondering, yes, she's almost my age and I am close to her. I've never thought of being able to gain the trust of a friend who would entrust her unborn child to me should anything happened to her. I felt more responsibility than I already have.
Family...my family, I have been closer to them than I've ever have. My grandmother, now stricken with dementia, is a lot harder to talk to now. At first I grew impatient with this sudden change, I wished I was never in that house sharing the same responsibility and burden. Why should I? Haven't I done enough already? I need my freedom! But as I looked at her daily activities at home it pains me to realise I do have that duty to make sure nothing happens. My grandfather's incident was something I could never forget and I don't want to ever repeat that with my grandmother.
My mother is old now, and yet she still has to work. She's of retirement age and yet she cannot find time to stop, not when her three children are still studying. At least my sister is getting more matured and I don't feel that annoyed with her. I find that my interactions with my brother is best now that he has grown up a little and become less rebellious. He still has lots to learn but time is forgiving for a 15 year-old boy.
As for friends and coursemates, I've gained some, I've lost some. I've lost contact with many whom I'm close to due to the busy schedule. They know better than to try and actively find me for chat nowadays. Which is sad, as I've always been passive. I've rarely initiate MSN chats, and finding my comments on a friend's Facebook status is even rare. Sometimes I do enjoy this alone time. Sometimes I don't. But nowadays, I'd pretty much rather to be alone, if I do feel lonely, that's when I initiate chats, so to those few people who I've talked to, yes, you guys are the chosen chatty ones LOL.
My love life. Ah yes. Ephyon and I are approaching the third year very soon and as we've just told each other, we still have lots of love for each other. We have had the biggest arguments this year, and we emerged stronger than ever. I used to falter because of my principles that were not widely accepted, with many (and still many) think I've pushed him too hard. But as it turns out nowadays I get acknowledgement for taking my stand, and I'm glad I did to ensure the longetivity of this relationship. May we have many more years to continue what we could live, breathe and cry in.
The first time in many years that I was caught in a dilemma. Yes, the issue of climate change. My fellow coursemate Rin has been really a pushy type LOL. She has never ceased to bring the climate change issue to the course and for people who wishes to join her campaign for change. I'd say she did a pretty good job, getting sponsorship from my own university and the state of Selangor. Joined the COP15 which was seen as....a tremendous failure. For many months since her first speech it haunted me. "Are you going to let that little issue stop you from saving the world?". Unfortunately, my answer, even if I did not directly give her, was "Yes". I have my family commitments that I wished I could just run away from, I've got a boyfriend who needed emotional support when he was down. I have my thesis which was equally important because I do not want to screw my chances of employment.
But I have this confession to make. I grew resentful. I came up with my own theories, thinking that climate change activists are people who are actually rich because they can afford to travel all the time, to make a stand towards politicians, to go home at ungodly hours so that preparations can be made from taking a stand. I've convinced myself again and again that is why I couldn't do it. That is why I couldn't commit. But the more this was repeated the more I grew resentful. In the end, I should just accept the fact that I can't be as good. I'm not noble enough, I have to pardon myself for my selfishness and unwillingness. I have to stop blaming myself for the cowardly being I am. That I have to continue preserving the environment the way my mother has taught me before. If any of you who were reading this, please understand that when I write this I no longer harbour any ill will. I will, on the other hand, pursue what I need to pursue.
So with that spilled. Do I have any hopes for 2010? Yes I do, it will be a very difficult year, what with my pickiness. After the terrible internship I have promised myself never to start with a local media, despite anything. I might sound too ambitious but if employment was as easy as just looking at a degree and saying "Oh yea, you're hired", then why hurt trying international first? Why bother keeping your expectations low? If I have good enough results I should everywhere.
It'll most probably be a gadgety year for me. Firstly, I will change my laptop. My current baby which has been with me since 2006 is failing, dying a slow death. First with a faulty DVD drive, then a missing keyboard key, then the screen fades to white, and now there are two streaks of line across the screen. Many, and seriously many, would've bought the laptop by the time the fading screen ailment occurs. Not me, not stubborn me. I was so determined to use this until the end of my course, until Ephyon's piercing eyes brought me out of my stubborness. It's now a kind of pathetic piece of thing. No graphics card, puny storage space (I've had SO MANY people who gaped in shock if I tell them my Hard Disk only have 60GB. You, you there, put your jaw back up please), I should really changed it. And I will.
That said, it served me well.
And another thing is a smartphone. I've realised how much I love going online and I want to continue doing so, what with my line of work which needs me to be out all the time. I wished to be equipped with a Blackberry. Yes, I know, what the hell can a 21-year-old do with a business device? Plenty actually, because it's not just a business device anymore. While so many youngsters have joined the forays of the iPhone craze I find myself setting eyes on a Blackberry. Partially, because I love the colour black, and partially I don't get the whole touchscreen phase and a device that will give me limits (no offense to iPhone users). I will definitely feel happier with a Blackberry.
Next, is, hopefully, better freedom. As much as I wished to stay at home to monitor my grandmother's activities, I don't wish to continue doing so. I need my life, especially when working. I doubt many people actually goes back to eat straightafter work especially for new people. I need a life out there. Socially, hanging out. I felt pressured every time my mom called during internship as she demands to know where I am and why am I not back. And at one point she wants to call up my office! Luckily I stopped her in time, told her it's NORMAL and please just let me finish the internship. Part of why I felt so moody during that time was due to her. Sigh.
My studies. I wish to maintain my chances of getting a Second Upper. A first class is now beyond my league, so a Second Upper is the next best thing. I probably couldn't study Masters now because of this, but it's okay. I will be somewhere somehow.
My friends. Hopefully, I'll meet more people who I can share my views with, hopefully no more hits and misses.
My family. I want to maintain this good relationship that has been with me for the past year.
My principles. It will change, but I'm thankful for being stubborn over certain things and not stubborn over issues that needs changing. I wish this trait will continue.
My blog. I have unfortunately, turned this space into a hellhole for me to let out the crappy feelings I have felt. I've opened another blog, to supposedly talk about issues that are not related to my personal emotions. But I have been lazy. Hopefully I will find time to continue it after I end this course. It has been a great time.
Lastly, I hope to not see 2009 again. It has been a bad, revolutionary, griefing year for me. I want my 2010 to start out better.
And I will have a better 2010.
Filler Post
Posted by
cDi
comments (0)
Lacking of motivation to write and busy with studies. Thesis, such a biatch. Exams, holiday mood, shopping impulses...><
But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.
Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.
Enjoy.
And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:
Enjoy.
But if you are still here waiting for my next update, here's an exposé to my daily nutrients on pop culture and parody.
Warning: if you can't see through the hidden message behind entertainment, then best boost your intelligence mate.
Enjoy.
And the very first video that I grew to love and remind me, why I still don't need Twitter:
Enjoy.
2am
Posted by
cDi
comments (0)
I've been sleeping at this time for almost seven weeks now.
And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).
I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.
I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.
Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.
But there's no such thing as enough achievements.
I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.
I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.
We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.
I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.
He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.
And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.
I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).
And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.
One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.
I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.
And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.
But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?
I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.
I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.
I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.
I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.
I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.
I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.
And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.
But who is my calculator?
And then like clockwork, I'll wake up in time for classes which starts at early as 8am, and before that, one hour to get up and ready so that I remembered to bring materials for classes. The only times my time to wake up faltered was when I came back from Singapore, too tired from all that walking. (It was an awesome trip, more on that when I finally have time).
I could only steal these few hours to write about something, because I recognise the power of how words could change the way you look at events already.
I've abandonned the idea of catching up with the news on newspapers for this past two weeks. And even then I slept at 2am almost everyday. Never earlier. I don't know if I'm dreading because I know if I don't go through this, I might as well don't graduate. And I need that degree to continue on for more things.
Lately I found myself being in an uncomfortable zone, I hovered, settled, decided it's not for me, then hovered again. My role requires me to pay attention, to be more wholly, to give chances to others to excel. It's never mentioned loudly, but something tells me they think I've achieved and excel enough, I can stop.
But there's no such thing as enough achievements.
I remember my tutor told us how good a girl's article was, how her English was so bombastic she was rather impressed, but it was "too high standard for a reader" (If you're wondering, we were graded based on Malaysian English standards), does it matter? It's still bombastic, and it still got the highest marks. What has being "whole" and "groupie" gotta do with anything? So even if I tried toning down my article by not being too Miss Bombastica, I still got good marks, just not good enough. Definitely not the highest. I really regret it.
I remember my friend whom I've known since Form 3 who likes talking to me, who is very passionate artist. He draws Bomberman comics starting from Standard 4, and proceed to show people his artbook. Actually, he showed me that artbook during Form 3 and I was impressed. We continued on our lives in Form 4 and 5 in separate classes because he wasn't interested in pursuing Science and I was, half-heartedly pursuing Science without Biology and I hate it.
We often talk about the dreams he dreamt of being: An animator, a drawing artist. Once us girls teased him into drawing something that will impress all of us, and there he was, using what's left of the chalk and swishing, swooshing his way all across the blackboard. It was like a swashbuckle with the blackboard, and the chalk's his sword. He paused a few moments to cough out the dust sometimes, and then resume his duty to entertain us flutter-hearted girls. And that's where I see it, his grand masterpiece. A pirate girl braving the oceans, not even breaking a sweat, and happily pursuing her adventure. It was inspired by Jolin Tsai and her pirate costume that time but at the moment, I forget the original, I just looked and stared hard at the maginificent piece he just made. The only thing I didn't have was a digital camera back then to take this picture and keep for memory's sake. The picture too was damaged soon after so that classes can resume.
I talked about his dreams a lot then. He wants to get a certificate in digital arts, but his parents disapprove, preferring him to study accounting, the more stable jobs. I encouraged him, recommended him to ask my cousin who was studying the same degree at that time, ask him to ask her about the course structure so that he won't be disappointed, and at the same time use this to convince his parents that he really wants to pursue this line, already knowing what to expect before plunging in.
He graduated, and his final year work was good, if not, I could say the artistic standards were similar to Pixar's formula. Storyline might take awhile to tweak but he's gotten the gist of it. I was proud, so proud, partly because I know his success was due to all that dream talks we had, and partly because I never want to see someone's dream being thwarted just because it wasn't in a favourable situation. He's now working in a company,and if things were successful, he'll be part of the team that made the first 3D animated series in Malaysia that actually sounded good.
And then I wondered again, all these while, my role was never to make myself look good, but to make other people's work even better. There are times when I do excel but I spend my life just trying to convince people that their dreams are achievable, which caused me to delay my own achievements, delaying them till they lack of excellence, crushing my dreams halfway through, unable to walk off from the family commitments I have.
I'm like that facilitator who really cares for the dreams of others so that they can live, excel, and bring that results back. I'm the guide who actually bothers to give people the chance to be leaders and then pick up the pieces if they ever made a mess so that we can still have marks in our assignments (yes marks do matter too).
And then I wondered about the dreams some people are achieving now, a friend is living through KL opportunities and with his very exclusive time management, he's practically funding his own living expenses, and never even have his marks dipped. Another friend is already heading off to Copenhagen for the COP15 meeting, eager to know the proceedings, and if the skies forbid, I'll be at standby mode to check the latest news on the meetings and the turnouts of it.
One friend was determined to get the scholarship for her Masters, and she's already trying her very best to get recommendations from lecturers or tutors who know her. Others are, well, able to live their own life.
I feel trapped. I love my life now but I feel too comfortable. But comfort's the only thing I feel like others told me to deserve because for the past years before I even had a blog I was struggling just to get on with life. It was simple, the computer was laggy with a Pentium 3 processor and all I had was a shitty laptop which me and my siblings always take turns to use just for MSN, as we can't do anything else. My life was simple, ignorant at best. I don't know what is the Star Wars cult nor do I care. I don't bother to follow up on the latest news and I was actually happy that I get to read newspapers everyday.
And now I'm living and feeling comfortable, because of all that past efforts I've been doing to encourage people. My logic back then was, if I can't achieve them because I don't have the finances to do so, at least I want to see the others doing it. When they do achieve something, I do feel proud.
But now, I'm required to make a choice. I will no longer be a facilitator for others in the near future. I have to make my own decisions and so do they, which is double the job. I facilitate them and THEN myself as well. I have to make fast decisions. Start overseas or local? Find jobs or pursue Masters? And then, if I ever made those choices, will my relationship last? Will I be able to maintain close ties with my family and will they be okay without me?
I do ponder because I know my mother is the kind of woman who is reluctant to let her children fly. She herself flies a very successful career, the only businesswoman amongst her siblings. But from the phone call I've received just now I know she was not ready to let go and it is suffocating because I really want to try an adventure outside. I mean, what's there to lose? That I'll be seduced somehow even though I already have this steady boyfriend? That I'll be duped and never come back again? I never know what is in her mind.
I wish I could just do and regret later. People always call me daring, what they know is because I always weigh my pros and cons. It was all calculated, because for some reason, I'm able to see through the dimensions and make quick calculations in my mind on how it should turn out to be. And truthfully, I don't like that.
I calculated, and I know I'm not able to champion people's rights without leaving my current emotional package behind.
I calculated, and I know I can't manage time properly, therefore I can't make my own living expenses or I'll flunk my studies.
I calculated, and I know I can't make a decision now if I want to study Masters or work first.
I calculated, and I know I'm never going to be as good as the best achiever, but I'll never become the person who just aims for a passing. I'm that medium, that balanced, that non-extremist.
And yet, when somebody told me they risked something, because they listened to my advice, because I could calculate things for them, I feel happy for them, and angrier at myself, jealous in fact, because I want to be like them.
But who is my calculator?
Twenty One? About Me
Posted by
cDi
comments (2)
Hello. My name is CiNDi. This is my blog name.
I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.
Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.
Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.
Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.
I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.
My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.
I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.
I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.
My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.
I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.
I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.
Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.
My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.
My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.
What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.
Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.
I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.
I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.
I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.
I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.
I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.
But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!
Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.
I'm borned Dragon and Scorpio mixed into a nasty concoction, because I'm born to defy the laws of nature.
Majority are right-handed; I'm a left-hander through and through.
Majority have beautiful double eyelids; I have puny ugly single eyelids that I've worked my way through.
Did I also mention I'm borned female? In some countries, it is STILL a defiance against nature.
I don't remember much about my primary school life because I didn't have a life back then.
My secondary school life was awesome, it gave me a lot of chances to look out from the window and explore the wondrous thing called life and what do I want to do. I've made friends, enemies, frenemies, seen gangsters, teachers, bureaucracy....it pretty much was based on observation that I've become who I am today.
I've had an early kick start in politics as a flyer girl during the great 1999 General Elections.
I'm very unapologetic, as had been for the past few years of blogging.
My interest in Journalism was piqued when my English teacher told us and even encouraged us to write more about the happenings in life, before blogs were famous, and submit to him so that he can have a look and mark the essays. I remember being praised, but because I've had an advantage, possessing superior English vocabulary due to family education. But it was Chong Seau Ching who made me fall straight into Journalism.
I've met many interesting people and bypassers in the past, who each left a message of love, hatred, anger where I should have learnt to react in time.
I'm always stuck between the English clan and Chinese clan. The Chinese speaking ones spoke far better and I find it hard to catch up, except on pop songs once upon a time, and the English speaking ones, well, loves them contemporary dramas too much for me to keep on bothering about them. I'm like that duck who can't waddle into just any group, except that particular niche which did not mind my weird combination.
Entering the university so far had been the biggest eye opener for me. Internship only pushed it further. I grow scared of the thought and also grow tired of being scared of the thought. I'll just make things as they come and go. NOT. I'm not going to stand being in media companies who exert extreme authority and influences until they prohibit me from extending the creativity sources. Okay fine, my angle issues with future editor/boss will be what I'm hoping not to expand.
My proudest moment: Writing this. I can't say how much thanks to them for the opportunity and that I was able to enjoy the night. Never have becoming part of the media been so good when you were going to an awesome concert when there were no expectations.
My not so proudest moments: Plenty. All the bad experiences in life, all the arguments, I don't regret going through them. It's how they shaped me into becoming who I am now.
What's my wish: The biggest now? Getting a good job. I can't say where, but I'm hoping not here. Not until the media system was loosened up here, or allow the freedom of expression. I prefer to get my experiences elsewhere, seeing what they can do before I come back here with a better view.
Something you must know: I hate skirts. I was once peeked under by some idiot student and I have a phobia wearing skirts since then. Sometimes when occasion calls for it then yea I would wear, if not, jeans and pants are my way to go.
I don't know why, but I don't find any particular TV drama interesting in my eyes. Same goes for movies. If the movie is nice, I laughed, cried, whatever inside the cinema, and then, it just never really get inside my mind.
I love travelling and I constantly felt restricted. Well, I have a reason. I do not get to travel alot inside and outside of Malaysia. My parents will not get me a passport. Too expensive, I don't travel much, I don't need it, were the excuse given, and now I've become a little bit like a must travel freak if not I don't feel good. I blame it on the early suppression.
I want to believe that the local education do produce qualifying working candidates but reports always show the opposite of it. Studying in a local university do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hamper hopes of excelling in the future anyway. It's how you take life, and how you live by it.
I'm stuck in between wanting to be common and be famous.
I know I said I was supposed to be funny but I guess the words didn't came out right. Well, that's it for me then.
But one thing, the only thing I Love about being 21, is that I can FINALLY register as a voter. No reason, just that I'd love to kick the asses of goons who misuse national funds. And don't worry, I'm dragging Ephyon with me too. That's 2 voters right there. Booyah!
Hope you guys have an awesome week and weekend. Off to Singapore on Friday. And thanks for reading this insanely dry article.
It still matters after all
Posted by
cDi
I've got a message from him.
He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.
I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.
Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.
I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.
Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.
I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.
I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:
1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.
2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.
3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.
4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.
I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.
I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.
I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.
I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.
I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.
Because, it still matters after all.
It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.
Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.
It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.
I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.
Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.
He said he will not be able to attend the dinner because of assignments. It was an important dinner, marking my 21 years of existence.
I didn't think much, in fact I was smiling when I told my friends about it, who looked obviously more angry than I am. Of course, it was a celebration for a loved one.
Oddly, I don't feel a lot. In fact, I told him to just do what he can. He was surprised of course, I think he was expecting that volcanic behemoth inside to erupt and lash hell before I let him to it.
I posted if I should be angry on Facebook; no concise replies so far. I've tried not speaking a lot to him because I'm obviously still a little bit mad.
Then he suggested that we should go out. And this is where I feel it struck the most. He has forgotten to ask if I was free. In actuality I'm not free, but he did not have the courtesy to ask and just mention he want to see me because he misses me.
I was very put off by then. Really really put off. After all those years and what I get back were this really short remarks that did not even reflect the true maturity of the relationship. In fact, I felt that it has slided back to become two childish people becoming an item.
I have a lot of things to explore and unfortunately he was not the very person I'm supposed to go out with:
1) He's afraid of heights, I mean very afraid. There goes all that wants of sitting in a roller coaster ride with the lover. The last time he tried to do that was in a ferris wheel and he keeled and tensed up. So much for trying to take any pictures of the scenery. I spent my whole time massaging him before he gets muscle cramps from all that tensing.
2) He never asks me especially when I'm busy whenever we feel like going out. I don't know why he has forgotten that basic courtesy recently. I've never failed to ask him if he's free or busy and yet I felt like he treated me like a convenient person. Why? My only guess is because he knows where I am. I'm always at home and online. How predictable.
3) He's allergic to Nando's. Another "there goes all that wants". Can't enjoy a Peri-peri meal without listening to him feeling annoyed because he had to resort to eating tasteless lemon and herbs.
4) He hates forrests and non-developed areas. I'm okay with forrests and non-developed areas. Travelling will be a bitch in the future. I can only cancel off other countries in the Southeast Asian region and think of, Japan, Europe, America, you know, places I can't afford.
I know it doesn't matter much about the birthday thing. Compare to last year when I kicked up a fuss because I felt that I don't want people who don't really know me to just give me a celebration, I've been feeling nonchalent about it. But when it comes to things we had to compromise about each other, I always feel like I had to contribute a lot more because of all his habitual activities.
I mean, he's used to going out playing DoTA, he's used to staring at the computer 24/7 when he talks to people visiting his house, when he starts being too friendly at helping people, when he becomes a mule and doesn't mind it (while leaving me stabbing myself because I felt unfair for him), I guess with this almost 3-year relationship we still have so much to learn from each other.
I have tons of flaws to go around too that he really hates, and I'm trying my very best not to impose it on him, especially since this is about my happiness here. But like last year, I felt like this is yet another thing he couldn't compromise. Not his fault but I guess I've lost what seemed to be the last drop of my true happiness for the past 3 years. Nothing I've done are for my own happiness, and a lot of those moments and memories are shared. True, sharing is probably a better feeling especially when you are capturing moments with a loved one, but I've found alot of shared memories instead of my own very happy memories of things he'd compromise just for me.
I could have sound selfish but hey, it's my birthday coming up here. Can't I have some liberty to rant abit? At least I'm not kicking a fuss this year. Everyone's in the final year and finally putting the concentration elsewhere.
I said it doesn't matter but I still find it disconcerting that we're moving to comfort zone. The kind of zone when anniversaries fast do not matter, birthdays can be ignored and pushed back for later celebration. It's a terrible life to live in, and apparently adults celebrate like that. I shudder to think of that life where we cannot gaily yell and scream with delight at the thought of birthday celebrations.
Because, it still matters after all.
It is probably a good thing to note here that there is that redemption. A day after my birthday, I'm going off to Singapore. But again, main thing was to attend the Anime Festival Asia 2009. I'm not the person who indulges a lot in anime, so guess who will reap the rewards. I probably will go shopping but really, I'm just going there to accompany him more than actually buying anything there. Maybe I'd enjoy myself in the festival. Still keeping an open mind about it.
Another good thing will be that I'm finally having the family back to myself after so many years. Probably God felt that I've neglected my family and with this tiny little obstacle of my boyfriend. Now that he might not make it, so for once I'm finally having the birthday celebration back to myself and family. I guess it's almost time to do that. My grandma's getting too frail and we get worried if we had to bring her out, but I guess it's a good time for me to get involved and get in touch with the family.
It may not help, and I doubt he'll read this and go into self-realisation mode, in fact, probably he might pick a fight with me for doing this to him. You know, blabbing out in public before having a heart-to-heart conversation with him as what my friends had adviced before listing out those problems. But it'll be a miracle to find a time when he's actually concentrating on me instead of doing a lot of things. Me and him, we are a bunch of multi-taskers. We lack that element of just doing one thing. It probably serves us right for being the youths as we are instead of trailing back to the past when dates are of importance and it matters. Well it still does.
I hope no one comments on this and it's merely for my soul to be put at ease. I'm not comfortable the moment I've gotten that message and now it seems that I can pull this off. As Victor had told me, I've got a double win situation: A family dinner to cherish, and a Singaporean trip with a loved one to look forward to. And Of course, the many friends who were concerned when they heard about the news from me.
Thanks. I'll post up a funny biodata about the things you should know about me on Thursday. Stay tuned.
A little bit sick
Posted by
cDi
comments (0)
Getting a little sick again.
Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.
Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.
Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.
Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.
Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?
Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....
Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?
I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.
~Please take my away from here~
~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~
-Fireflies, by Owl City-
P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?
I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?
Starting to hate reading newspapers due to time constraints, felt like being back at internship when and if you don't have things to do in office, your other job is to read newspapers.
Feeling a little discouraged about journalism. The media is so enclosed it's like penetrating a brick wall with a nail that needs lots of hammering. Unlike business corporations who often actively seek new employees into their belts (if they can afford to) through the media, the media is such a tight organisation you practically need to know someone somewhere to bring you into it, or rather, try a lot of luck. There's never a sign for recruitments of journalists. The tell-tale signs are nowhere.
Afraid of living up to that name, that position. Back then, I was afraid of the grades that will drop if I made any stupid mistake. Now, I'm just more afraid of being there but not being there at the same time.
Afraid of misusing my future position and treat it as a "job" than a "passion". It lies just at a thin line when there's additional stress about. Maybe I need another internship to set my bars straight.
Actually worrying for a job now. All that measly sum I have do not seem to be helping me. Just wondering, how much do you have when you started for a job?
Ever had this sensation that you are awed over someone because of his/her talents and you wish to be that person, and then now you are going to go out to be someone and when you think about it you get jittery? Yea....
Must be something the virus brings out strangely cause I'm pouring out things that usually cannot affect me. I can also say I'm worried that I'm never going to find the perfect replacement for my aging laptop or have enough money to purchase the Onyx, but somehow monetary materials always come to thought later. I may always speak about it (to my boyfriend at least) but now I'm worried for my future. If my future is not secured, what's the whole point buying new gadgets to help set up the future?
I'm going to need a boost of spirit. I don't know how since I don't really have the time.
~Please take my away from here~
~I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems~
-Fireflies, by Owl City-
P/S: I might post that post about my observations on climate change, but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get. In reference to Steve McCoy, What am I? A Mainstreamer, a Laggard, or the Innovator, the Change Agent?
I'd like to ask, Dude, there's no place for the Observer?
æŻæ¶ć...
Posted by
cDi
comments (3)
ćäșćæć§。
ć ¶ćźäčäžæäžșä»äč，äčććżäșéœćŻä»„çšćæćæł，èäžäŒè§ćŸèæ。ç°ćš，ć„œć怱ć»äșéŁćșæŹçç„èŻćŠ。
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äžć„œææ，ççćŸäč æČĄæçšćæćèš，éłè æȘæȘç。
ć„œæłćż”äžäșæ，ć ¶ćźæèźäŒćŸć€éŠææČ，äžèżéçæ¶éŽććš，仄ć性ćŠçćœ±ć，æ»æŻ，æŻæŹĄćŹć°çæçćæææČ，æäŒæłè”·äžćŠ。ć”ć”。
æćèŻççèźçäžäž。ć°äșéŁć䌀，éŁçșŻççæČć，äžćŠçéŁäșć°æ°，ç¶ćçäžè„żæ»äŒćŸćż«ć°æłé，æ仄è±æć·Čç»æ”ć©çäžćŸäș。
I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But
æèżæŻæłçšćæè·ć€§ćź¶äșćš。ææ ·？珏äžæŹĄä»„ćææ„æćæ ç»Șçæè§ćŠäœ？äŒè§ćŸæè¶ æ¶ćż，èŠæćć？
ć ¶ćźäčäžæäžșä»äč，äčććżäșéœćŻä»„çšćæćæł，èäžäŒè§ćŸèæ。ç°ćš，ć„œć怱ć»äșéŁćșæŹçç„èŻćŠ。
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äžć„œææ，ççćŸäč æČĄæçšćæćèš，éłè æȘæȘç。
ć„œæłćż”äžäșæ，ć ¶ćźæèźäŒćŸć€éŠææČ，äžèżéçæ¶éŽććš，仄ć性ćŠçćœ±ć，æ»æŻ，æŻæŹĄćŹć°çæçćæææČ，æäŒæłè”·äžćŠ。ć”ć”。
æćèŻççèźçäžäž。ć°äșéŁć䌀，éŁçșŻççæČć，äžćŠçéŁäșć°æ°，ç¶ćçäžè„żæ»äŒćŸćż«ć°æłé，æ仄è±æć·Čç»æ”ć©çäžćŸäș。
I tend to use Mandarin to express my sadness and grief, as I find it a beautiful language to do so. Somehow, I've lost that ability due to some changes in thinking. But
æèżæŻæłçšćæè·ć€§ćź¶äșćš。ææ ·？珏äžæŹĄä»„ćææ„æćæ ç»Șçæè§ćŠäœ？äŒè§ćŸæè¶ æ¶ćż，èŠæćć？
Rant
Posted by
cDi
comments (0)
Disclaimer: Pardon my crude. I'm in the midst of blowing up.
A year ago, Streamyx decided to fuck up my whole internet system with a bunch of asshole technicians who seemed to be unable to converse in simple English terms and having the inability to understand when we demand to know which company they come from.
Apparently when you work with TM, TM gives their fucking contract to incompetent assholes who may or may not layan you depending on their fucked up mood.
So after lots of arguments with the HQ and that fucked up company with such a bastard arrogant snobbish boss, the Internet was fixed. But not without destroying my house phone line and causing us to call an outside wiring technician to fix that stupid line.
All was well. That was last November. I've blogged a couple of times while in the cyber cafe incapable of doing nothing.
Now, I'm in the cyber cafe again.
You guessed right. My internet was busted for the second fucking time in the duration of a year.
And this time those fucking idiot technicians don't even bother to show up, for two whole days. And the boss calling every other day to ask "No one called you yet?" to my mother.
You know, it'd be great to lose the internet connection now if I weren't studying like my brother who just finish his PMR. Or my sister who's exams are text-book based, not on fucking current issues.
What the fuck was I thinking? I'm staying with a family who don't understand how important it is for me to stay connected all the time. Because all they see was a girl distracted from her work because she watches Youtube (without caring what the hell am I watching), Facebooking, and Chatting all the time! (of course! I can't be chatting about work! I'm always into chatting frivolously aren't I???) EXACTLY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MASS COMMUNICATION WAS ABOUT STUDYING OUTDATED TEXTBOOKS LIKE A LEVELS OR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! THANK YOU!! As if my university had anything adequate. Ptui!
And good riddance to that fucked up Streamyx. With that "fucked up" look of theirs they are bound to lose more customers. Hello, you think we live in 2003? Where the only internet service provider is YOU?!?!?! You think we don't have other alternatives, like say...the CYBER CAFE??? Our MOBILE PHONES??? But you know, I'd truly appreciate it if I can surf the internet at the comforts of my own house. But Nooooo, your fucked up technicians JUST DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP!!! They decided that it's better, to let us ROT To DIe! By not fixing our fixed line.
Our phone line was totally dead, with no dial tone. And you know what? WE DON'T PUSH YOU LIKE WE DID THE LAST TIME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!!
Of course, the only bad thing is no other alternative actually has coverage in the area I stay in. But I'd take ANYTHING other than SCREAMYX. Really, ANYTHING TO GET THOSE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH OUT OF MY HOUSE!
And thanks to YOU my equally internet obsessive boyfriend had a fight with me yesterday because he's pissed I'm hogging his PC and the internet for research/entertainment purposes. Like I'm supposed to concentrate on work, as if he actually does the same. Boohoohoo. I do other things while on the net. SO? Did my work deteriorate because of that? And now, when I REALLY need the internet, because I'm studying ONLINE JOURNALISM, this internet connection decided to fuck up on me????
Either the internet service providers give some coverage now in my area, Or I'll just fucking move from my house. I've had it, had it, had it!!! I'll bash something now if I could.
FUCK!
A year ago, Streamyx decided to fuck up my whole internet system with a bunch of asshole technicians who seemed to be unable to converse in simple English terms and having the inability to understand when we demand to know which company they come from.
Apparently when you work with TM, TM gives their fucking contract to incompetent assholes who may or may not layan you depending on their fucked up mood.
So after lots of arguments with the HQ and that fucked up company with such a bastard arrogant snobbish boss, the Internet was fixed. But not without destroying my house phone line and causing us to call an outside wiring technician to fix that stupid line.
All was well. That was last November. I've blogged a couple of times while in the cyber cafe incapable of doing nothing.
Now, I'm in the cyber cafe again.
You guessed right. My internet was busted for the second fucking time in the duration of a year.
And this time those fucking idiot technicians don't even bother to show up, for two whole days. And the boss calling every other day to ask "No one called you yet?" to my mother.
You know, it'd be great to lose the internet connection now if I weren't studying like my brother who just finish his PMR. Or my sister who's exams are text-book based, not on fucking current issues.
What the fuck was I thinking? I'm staying with a family who don't understand how important it is for me to stay connected all the time. Because all they see was a girl distracted from her work because she watches Youtube (without caring what the hell am I watching), Facebooking, and Chatting all the time! (of course! I can't be chatting about work! I'm always into chatting frivolously aren't I???) EXACTLY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW MASS COMMUNICATION WAS ABOUT STUDYING OUTDATED TEXTBOOKS LIKE A LEVELS OR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! THANK YOU!! As if my university had anything adequate. Ptui!
And good riddance to that fucked up Streamyx. With that "fucked up" look of theirs they are bound to lose more customers. Hello, you think we live in 2003? Where the only internet service provider is YOU?!?!?! You think we don't have other alternatives, like say...the CYBER CAFE??? Our MOBILE PHONES??? But you know, I'd truly appreciate it if I can surf the internet at the comforts of my own house. But Nooooo, your fucked up technicians JUST DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP!!! They decided that it's better, to let us ROT To DIe! By not fixing our fixed line.
Our phone line was totally dead, with no dial tone. And you know what? WE DON'T PUSH YOU LIKE WE DID THE LAST TIME, BECAUSE WE DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!!
Of course, the only bad thing is no other alternative actually has coverage in the area I stay in. But I'd take ANYTHING other than SCREAMYX. Really, ANYTHING TO GET THOSE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH OUT OF MY HOUSE!
And thanks to YOU my equally internet obsessive boyfriend had a fight with me yesterday because he's pissed I'm hogging his PC and the internet for research/entertainment purposes. Like I'm supposed to concentrate on work, as if he actually does the same. Boohoohoo. I do other things while on the net. SO? Did my work deteriorate because of that? And now, when I REALLY need the internet, because I'm studying ONLINE JOURNALISM, this internet connection decided to fuck up on me????
Either the internet service providers give some coverage now in my area, Or I'll just fucking move from my house. I've had it, had it, had it!!! I'll bash something now if I could.
FUCK!
Love, Actually? and multiple things
Posted by
cDi
comments (3)
I probably should prohibit myself from reading blogs of anyone younger than me. Really.
Because no matter how intelligent they sound like they still and always grapple almost the same things which I'm really going to sleep by now: Love.
How hard is it to understand the concept behind love? You have it, you flaunt it, you express it to someone who deserves it, and you leave when you think they don't.
Bullshit rules like "When you're single you can hug hot guys" really should be shove down your own throat. Cause I hug any guy I want even I'm in a relationship and I don't need anyone to tell me to do it conditionally.
No I'm not in an argument with Ephyon, just a tad frustrated over the lack of blog content to read. Politicians is as usual, up to date, thank goodness. I can still find out what's wrong with the country while being stuck at home with my Final Year Project. Le Thesis is getting harder to edit by the second because I'm also stuck at home looking at *gasp* games like Left 4 Dead 2 ><, and Windows 7, and the Onyx...!
And I probably should share abit of a love tip thingie that kept my relationship strong enough. Something I believe needs to be shared among us especially since I've been listening to stories about problems and I think I need to stress this bit again...once again. Or maybe I'm just being snooty cause a lot of these problems are none of my business and yet I just want to point it out so I look important bwahahaha.
I think I've stressed it once and I'm not afraid of stressing it again: Communication, Communication, Communication.
No It does not limit to just compliments. You blardy shout at your partner if you have to just to get your point right across his ears. You use threats, you use screams, you destroy things belong to him.....err....provided that it's not that valuable, I didn't tell you to destroy his phone okay? And once that is across, then both of you can sit down and talk.
One thing I dislike about being a girl is the opportunity for us to keep our mouths shut until things really get out of hand then we blurt. And then it leads to a problem. That's what girls always cry at the phone to another gal pal when she feels the problem twitch (or skewer, depending on the seriousness of said problem), because when it was just an early detection, they won't talk, and then one thing led to another and it will be too late to discuss about it.
I used to do that earlier during the relationships but in 2009 this really toned down a lot. Probably because we were in internships and we spent a lot of time NOT trying to push so hard onto our other selves and yes, when we said we are busy, we ARE busy, not just some lame Dota outing to be put as busy. (oops, I'm still mad about him and his dota outings. In fact, he's in one now as I'm blogging XD)
Oh, and don't be afraid to be dead honest on what you think about the relationship. In fact, if he's disinterested in being honest in the early stages, you probably should get going and ignore that son of a bitch. Only stay with guys that are worth your time (my bf stressed "WORTH YOUR TIME" cause he thinks he's one of those XD)
Of course, I can only say this on behalf of people who are my type. Relentless, uncaring, hates pink, NOT fickled minded, relaxed, go with the flow kind. Fickle minded pretentious people can try this method and find that it doesn't succeed because it's SO not them. They on the other hand made up rules that determine what can single people or people in relationships can do ;)
So what is Love actually? I'd like to think it's something universal, that is inside us, binds us, heck, probably what made us humans. If you believe in what your limitless mind can do, love probably stop that and kept you grounded. Which is why often times, sadly, geniuses are often lonely. No one can understand them =/ I probably do not need to set examples no? It exists everywhere.
Sometimes it's just weird, to choose between mind and heart. Lets say, look at a painting or watch a movie. You might admire technicalities of the painting because your mind tells you so. But you cry or feel extremely happy watching, reading something because your heart tells you so. Hmm....
Don't mind me. I love pondering about these. My friends said I'm weird because I love to stare at something. Indeed, I can just keep staring without saying anything for a darn long time.
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I've found a staple Youtube Channel to watch. Before that I always anticipate the weekly programme The Listening Post (from Al Jazeera English Channel for those who are curious) because I love how they analyse the media and the relations around these decisions and their after effects on the media in general. One thing I did not like was the fact that they do not cover much of the Asian region other than North Korea and China. They are pretty much concentrated in the Middle East, USA, South America and Africa, and the occasional Europe, but not a lot.
And then I stumbled across this Channel called Current TV. I say stumbled, because I happen to watch one of their episodes on The Listening Post and I decided to try watching most of it. As it is, I Love It! I love the presentation, the sacarsm, the charm and wit exalted by each presenter. Best thing is, they are not your stereotypical hunk/blonde that was so easily found in E! or MTV. They are the proof that geeks are actually quite cool. It's a plus point that this TV channel is funded by Ex-Presidential Candidate Al Gore.
Programmes: I cannot claim to watch all of it, but what I look forward to is InfoMania and SuperNews! They make news consumption much much easier, like funding Rambo to stop terrorism in Afghanistan by the help of Blackwater Corporation, a private Military group (which I don't know that there was such a thing. Military? And Private? And selling weaponry to possibly anyone who can afford it?), presented in all things cartoony and absurdity.
InfoMania on the other hand is a half hour show but I only watch the bits and pieces because our bandwidth is slow. I can't wait for the full 30 minutes to be load on Youtube before I start watching them. I liked Conor Knighton and Sarah Haskins a lot. Also, Look out for Sergio Cilli's White Hot Top 5 for the billboard chartings and music videos complete sacarstic comments. How witty are those comments?
My boyfriend, who usually don't watch these shows, actually looks forward to them after I showed him a few clips XD.
If you're thinking "oh man, CiNDi is weird. How the heck are these shows interesting?" Yes I am, I actually find these shows entertaining. In fact, the last time I touched a real tv show to watch was the CSI series which I raved about for the past 2 years. Internship just got me cut off from TV totally. And I just don't rely on them now. Youtube became my main source of entertainment. And blogs, and Facebook.
Hmm, I'm embracing the digital media. Completely. Woot.
The other reason was that as mentioned, I really loved observing. So media studies and media observation is probably most welcomed because I love how they subtlely tells us the most serious issues. Of course The Listening Post remains always on a serious note because they are highlighting the shiftings and changes of the media systems, but Current TV presents it in a more subtle way, in a way that it's attractive for people who find it attractive.
I cannot stress it enough. I really love Current TV's SuperNews! and InfoMania. I'll probably try out other programmes when there's something of interest for me =)
I do have a passion for media observation. I felt so impassioned watching Frost/Nixon. That is yet another tale to tell. For me, myself and I. I'm sorry if I sound weird, but I can go on and on about my fascination about the media XP.
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I mentioned about the frustrations due to capitalist ideals hogging on the blogosphere in the last post. I don't mind la. Advertorials then advertorials la. But day in, day out, advertorials only. Then nothing was actually your personal interest? Boring lor macam ni. How ah?
I guess I'm not much of an advocate for using your personal space and then transform it into a public/professional space. It gets people confused, and then to add salt to the wound, you have to join a certain blogging community to really get in touch with these personas up close. I don't have to Nang it that clear right? ;)
Thankfully, I found this really cool link from a blogger who I have no qualms about because I think she's kinda cool. She wishes this will happen in Malaysia. I so totally agree. Bf reckons he finally found another girl who speaks like me through this blogger. Joyce Wong's the name, KinkyBlueFairy's her domain. Check her out if you haven't already.
Bloggers Must Disclose Payments For Reviews
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Ephyon has an American accent. Due to that, and his massive hairyness he's often mistaken as an American Born Chinese. It was fun looking at how some people tried to guess his origins. Until now, no one can guess that he could speak or even read Mandarin when meeting him for the first time.
And then I asked him do I have a specific accent when I speak English.
Apparently I don't. I don't sound like a Brit, American, European, not even Ah Beng Ah Lian. I just don't have an accent.
What does "don't have an accent" sound like?
"You". Ephyon would answer =_=
But now he has found a term to call my accent. I don't like the sound of it but it's called "Malaysian upper class accent". And no, I don't approve of such a term. "No accent" sounds way better.
Maybe I should stop comparing my accent with his. It depresses me because he can be identified as American. I can't be identified with anything Western nor do I really sound too localised. But he said KinkyBlueFairy sounds like how I speak. Hmm.
Zewt, want to add that into your study of "Bananaristic" cultures? XD
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That's all. Oh I really just dribble on and on and on. XD
Because no matter how intelligent they sound like they still and always grapple almost the same things which I'm really going to sleep by now: Love.
How hard is it to understand the concept behind love? You have it, you flaunt it, you express it to someone who deserves it, and you leave when you think they don't.
Bullshit rules like "When you're single you can hug hot guys" really should be shove down your own throat. Cause I hug any guy I want even I'm in a relationship and I don't need anyone to tell me to do it conditionally.
No I'm not in an argument with Ephyon, just a tad frustrated over the lack of blog content to read. Politicians is as usual, up to date, thank goodness. I can still find out what's wrong with the country while being stuck at home with my Final Year Project. Le Thesis is getting harder to edit by the second because I'm also stuck at home looking at *gasp* games like Left 4 Dead 2 ><, and Windows 7, and the Onyx...!
And I probably should share abit of a love tip thingie that kept my relationship strong enough. Something I believe needs to be shared among us especially since I've been listening to stories about problems and I think I need to stress this bit again...once again. Or maybe I'm just being snooty cause a lot of these problems are none of my business and yet I just want to point it out so I look important bwahahaha.
I think I've stressed it once and I'm not afraid of stressing it again: Communication, Communication, Communication.
No It does not limit to just compliments. You blardy shout at your partner if you have to just to get your point right across his ears. You use threats, you use screams, you destroy things belong to him.....err....provided that it's not that valuable, I didn't tell you to destroy his phone okay? And once that is across, then both of you can sit down and talk.
One thing I dislike about being a girl is the opportunity for us to keep our mouths shut until things really get out of hand then we blurt. And then it leads to a problem. That's what girls always cry at the phone to another gal pal when she feels the problem twitch (or skewer, depending on the seriousness of said problem), because when it was just an early detection, they won't talk, and then one thing led to another and it will be too late to discuss about it.
I used to do that earlier during the relationships but in 2009 this really toned down a lot. Probably because we were in internships and we spent a lot of time NOT trying to push so hard onto our other selves and yes, when we said we are busy, we ARE busy, not just some lame Dota outing to be put as busy. (oops, I'm still mad about him and his dota outings. In fact, he's in one now as I'm blogging XD)
Oh, and don't be afraid to be dead honest on what you think about the relationship. In fact, if he's disinterested in being honest in the early stages, you probably should get going and ignore that son of a bitch. Only stay with guys that are worth your time (my bf stressed "WORTH YOUR TIME" cause he thinks he's one of those XD)
Of course, I can only say this on behalf of people who are my type. Relentless, uncaring, hates pink, NOT fickled minded, relaxed, go with the flow kind. Fickle minded pretentious people can try this method and find that it doesn't succeed because it's SO not them. They on the other hand made up rules that determine what can single people or people in relationships can do ;)
So what is Love actually? I'd like to think it's something universal, that is inside us, binds us, heck, probably what made us humans. If you believe in what your limitless mind can do, love probably stop that and kept you grounded. Which is why often times, sadly, geniuses are often lonely. No one can understand them =/ I probably do not need to set examples no? It exists everywhere.
Sometimes it's just weird, to choose between mind and heart. Lets say, look at a painting or watch a movie. You might admire technicalities of the painting because your mind tells you so. But you cry or feel extremely happy watching, reading something because your heart tells you so. Hmm....
Don't mind me. I love pondering about these. My friends said I'm weird because I love to stare at something. Indeed, I can just keep staring without saying anything for a darn long time.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I've found a staple Youtube Channel to watch. Before that I always anticipate the weekly programme The Listening Post (from Al Jazeera English Channel for those who are curious) because I love how they analyse the media and the relations around these decisions and their after effects on the media in general. One thing I did not like was the fact that they do not cover much of the Asian region other than North Korea and China. They are pretty much concentrated in the Middle East, USA, South America and Africa, and the occasional Europe, but not a lot.
And then I stumbled across this Channel called Current TV. I say stumbled, because I happen to watch one of their episodes on The Listening Post and I decided to try watching most of it. As it is, I Love It! I love the presentation, the sacarsm, the charm and wit exalted by each presenter. Best thing is, they are not your stereotypical hunk/blonde that was so easily found in E! or MTV. They are the proof that geeks are actually quite cool. It's a plus point that this TV channel is funded by Ex-Presidential Candidate Al Gore.
Programmes: I cannot claim to watch all of it, but what I look forward to is InfoMania and SuperNews! They make news consumption much much easier, like funding Rambo to stop terrorism in Afghanistan by the help of Blackwater Corporation, a private Military group (which I don't know that there was such a thing. Military? And Private? And selling weaponry to possibly anyone who can afford it?), presented in all things cartoony and absurdity.
InfoMania on the other hand is a half hour show but I only watch the bits and pieces because our bandwidth is slow. I can't wait for the full 30 minutes to be load on Youtube before I start watching them. I liked Conor Knighton and Sarah Haskins a lot. Also, Look out for Sergio Cilli's White Hot Top 5 for the billboard chartings and music videos complete sacarstic comments. How witty are those comments?
My boyfriend, who usually don't watch these shows, actually looks forward to them after I showed him a few clips XD.
If you're thinking "oh man, CiNDi is weird. How the heck are these shows interesting?" Yes I am, I actually find these shows entertaining. In fact, the last time I touched a real tv show to watch was the CSI series which I raved about for the past 2 years. Internship just got me cut off from TV totally. And I just don't rely on them now. Youtube became my main source of entertainment. And blogs, and Facebook.
Hmm, I'm embracing the digital media. Completely. Woot.
The other reason was that as mentioned, I really loved observing. So media studies and media observation is probably most welcomed because I love how they subtlely tells us the most serious issues. Of course The Listening Post remains always on a serious note because they are highlighting the shiftings and changes of the media systems, but Current TV presents it in a more subtle way, in a way that it's attractive for people who find it attractive.
I cannot stress it enough. I really love Current TV's SuperNews! and InfoMania. I'll probably try out other programmes when there's something of interest for me =)
I do have a passion for media observation. I felt so impassioned watching Frost/Nixon. That is yet another tale to tell. For me, myself and I. I'm sorry if I sound weird, but I can go on and on about my fascination about the media XP.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I mentioned about the frustrations due to capitalist ideals hogging on the blogosphere in the last post. I don't mind la. Advertorials then advertorials la. But day in, day out, advertorials only. Then nothing was actually your personal interest? Boring lor macam ni. How ah?
I guess I'm not much of an advocate for using your personal space and then transform it into a public/professional space. It gets people confused, and then to add salt to the wound, you have to join a certain blogging community to really get in touch with these personas up close. I don't have to Nang it that clear right? ;)
Thankfully, I found this really cool link from a blogger who I have no qualms about because I think she's kinda cool. She wishes this will happen in Malaysia. I so totally agree. Bf reckons he finally found another girl who speaks like me through this blogger. Joyce Wong's the name, KinkyBlueFairy's her domain. Check her out if you haven't already.
Bloggers Must Disclose Payments For Reviews
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Ephyon has an American accent. Due to that, and his massive hairyness he's often mistaken as an American Born Chinese. It was fun looking at how some people tried to guess his origins. Until now, no one can guess that he could speak or even read Mandarin when meeting him for the first time.
And then I asked him do I have a specific accent when I speak English.
Apparently I don't. I don't sound like a Brit, American, European, not even Ah Beng Ah Lian. I just don't have an accent.
What does "don't have an accent" sound like?
"You". Ephyon would answer =_=
But now he has found a term to call my accent. I don't like the sound of it but it's called "Malaysian upper class accent". And no, I don't approve of such a term. "No accent" sounds way better.
Maybe I should stop comparing my accent with his. It depresses me because he can be identified as American. I can't be identified with anything Western nor do I really sound too localised. But he said KinkyBlueFairy sounds like how I speak. Hmm.
Zewt, want to add that into your study of "Bananaristic" cultures? XD
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That's all. Oh I really just dribble on and on and on. XD
Tickled
Posted by
cDi
comments (2)
Internet trolls, are also sadly, the majority beings of the universe who'd do anything to make themselves look stupid, pass on stupid bills and vote for stupid people.
This reminds me of this Newsweek article that Obama should concentrate on how to handle the complexities of the Congress instead of appearing on TV so much. But how to? The media had announced an all out war against him for the health care reforms he proposed in which he wishes to push for the bill approval by end of this year.
It's an insane media war Mr. President have to fight. So if the World's Most Charismatic President is having trouble engaging not just his own people, what do you think a puny little state leader like ours can?
Mr. Prime Minister was the smartest, he just don't answer. Mr. Chief Minister whom everyone is going against in Penang right now, tries his best to appease everyone, but also to cover up his mistakes for allowing certain things to pass through before the Kampung Buah Pala scenario had gone out of hand. I believe you can find those issues just by reading Anil Netto, Chan Lilian, and a lot of them Citizen Journalists in Penang. I myself, being not a Penangite, cannot be assured that my ground will be neutral.
It is just that we all grew up to have the most stubborn heads I've seen. To put it in a more general way of explaining situations, no matter how many times the latter news articles had clarified that the late Michael Jackson was suffering from a skin disease that sees his skin became whiter, my mother was still convinced that he bleached his skin, and very much kept announcing so during his death.
And you'd think people haven't tried to explain to her. I did, got into an argument about it to her about it somemore, but it did not see a change to what she sees. Whatever she sees, she's still utterly convinced that his skin was bleached. Can't say that I didn't try no?
The same goes for the climate change issue, the politics in our country, the annoyance towards more and more capitalist ideals now even appearing in the blogosphere. No matter how many intelligent comments given to clarify issues concerning these things, there's more stupider, lower comments that will tend to override what have just been clarified. Intelligence is getting swallowed up, and the only time intelligent people can rebuke stupidity is to show the exact moronic views uttered by themselves to others, and let other stupid people judge their own stupidity laughing at others, until they are being judged as well.
Yes, people. Welcome to the War of Stupids and Trolls. And currently they are always winning due to the coloured views of the world which the dominant people are encouraging and pushing through.
Then you might ask, what is intelligence? Who can call themselves intelligent and smart, or heck, is intelligence even gradeable?
I sincerely don't know. But I know that I'm looking at this really awkward culture being brought up that look like it'll swallow up the world. Well, maybe the world I see will be swallowed, not the whole world. It's still big, no matter how small Walt Disney claims it to be.
As for the Kampung Buah Pala issue, I can safely say, the people who are yelling and pointing fingers at Mr. Chief Minister right now, are people who did not study Public Administration. These offices, they have protocols, and they, sadly, do not work entirely under the state government. So go cry to the Big Bad Wolf, if you can even reach him. Don't get stuck outside the Putrajaya Perdana like some other blogger does.
Although if I were to be a local journalist next year, maybe the first article I will work on is "Kampung Buah Pala - could it have been avoided?", and then ask everyone who wants to give a piece of their mind, or see them claim amnesia to the issue or refuse to give any answer that is smart. That will shut the old trolls up....and make way for new trolls for attack ;)
And I'm not a person without faults. I have, sadly, find myself unable to commit to the 350 climate change no matter how Rin pushes it to me. I like her concept, but my coloured principles prevented me from taking a very active step other than what I'm doing now, which is recycling, reusing, etc etc.
I wonder though, could it be that we are destined to born with coloured, biased principles, therefore God gave us skin colours, and then we try to unmask ourselves by siding with our colours, or have a new principle altogether.
Hmm.....
But still, end thing is, I'm tickled with glee at how we Malaysians react when it concerns our country, and our politics. I bet any citizen reacts the same way, except with America, they converse better than our half-baked English methinks.
This reminds me of this Newsweek article that Obama should concentrate on how to handle the complexities of the Congress instead of appearing on TV so much. But how to? The media had announced an all out war against him for the health care reforms he proposed in which he wishes to push for the bill approval by end of this year.
It's an insane media war Mr. President have to fight. So if the World's Most Charismatic President is having trouble engaging not just his own people, what do you think a puny little state leader like ours can?
Mr. Prime Minister was the smartest, he just don't answer. Mr. Chief Minister whom everyone is going against in Penang right now, tries his best to appease everyone, but also to cover up his mistakes for allowing certain things to pass through before the Kampung Buah Pala scenario had gone out of hand. I believe you can find those issues just by reading Anil Netto, Chan Lilian, and a lot of them Citizen Journalists in Penang. I myself, being not a Penangite, cannot be assured that my ground will be neutral.
It is just that we all grew up to have the most stubborn heads I've seen. To put it in a more general way of explaining situations, no matter how many times the latter news articles had clarified that the late Michael Jackson was suffering from a skin disease that sees his skin became whiter, my mother was still convinced that he bleached his skin, and very much kept announcing so during his death.
And you'd think people haven't tried to explain to her. I did, got into an argument about it to her about it somemore, but it did not see a change to what she sees. Whatever she sees, she's still utterly convinced that his skin was bleached. Can't say that I didn't try no?
The same goes for the climate change issue, the politics in our country, the annoyance towards more and more capitalist ideals now even appearing in the blogosphere. No matter how many intelligent comments given to clarify issues concerning these things, there's more stupider, lower comments that will tend to override what have just been clarified. Intelligence is getting swallowed up, and the only time intelligent people can rebuke stupidity is to show the exact moronic views uttered by themselves to others, and let other stupid people judge their own stupidity laughing at others, until they are being judged as well.
Yes, people. Welcome to the War of Stupids and Trolls. And currently they are always winning due to the coloured views of the world which the dominant people are encouraging and pushing through.
Then you might ask, what is intelligence? Who can call themselves intelligent and smart, or heck, is intelligence even gradeable?
I sincerely don't know. But I know that I'm looking at this really awkward culture being brought up that look like it'll swallow up the world. Well, maybe the world I see will be swallowed, not the whole world. It's still big, no matter how small Walt Disney claims it to be.
As for the Kampung Buah Pala issue, I can safely say, the people who are yelling and pointing fingers at Mr. Chief Minister right now, are people who did not study Public Administration. These offices, they have protocols, and they, sadly, do not work entirely under the state government. So go cry to the Big Bad Wolf, if you can even reach him. Don't get stuck outside the Putrajaya Perdana like some other blogger does.
Although if I were to be a local journalist next year, maybe the first article I will work on is "Kampung Buah Pala - could it have been avoided?", and then ask everyone who wants to give a piece of their mind, or see them claim amnesia to the issue or refuse to give any answer that is smart. That will shut the old trolls up....and make way for new trolls for attack ;)
And I'm not a person without faults. I have, sadly, find myself unable to commit to the 350 climate change no matter how Rin pushes it to me. I like her concept, but my coloured principles prevented me from taking a very active step other than what I'm doing now, which is recycling, reusing, etc etc.
I wonder though, could it be that we are destined to born with coloured, biased principles, therefore God gave us skin colours, and then we try to unmask ourselves by siding with our colours, or have a new principle altogether.
Hmm.....
But still, end thing is, I'm tickled with glee at how we Malaysians react when it concerns our country, and our politics. I bet any citizen reacts the same way, except with America, they converse better than our half-baked English methinks.
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