Stuck

I'm really confused with what I really want for myself in my life.

I've got good friends, and a good lover and a good family.

I'd like to do stuffs on my own sometimes. But at times, when I want to do those things, I always have to consider the approval of a few people.

1) My mom

2) Myself

3) My boyfriend

My mom used to be the very fussy person and always interrogating me on who and where am I going. That was before I have a handphone and definitely before I went to university. Now it is very different as she know that I have my own life. All I have to do is call home to inform someone, and sms her what I'm doing and that's it. I'm free to go.

Myself. Erm....I always asked myself if I really want to be part of something. There are a few times I rejected because I myself didn't really want to be part of it. I felt guilty rejecting Rin's sincere invitation so many times. Heh, but part of me wanted to stay at home, or be lazy, or just do what normal students do.

My boyfriend.....

Urgh.....I cannot tahan...sometimes I'll tell him I want to go somewhere to do my stuff. He'll ask questions. And not just one question. It's TONS of questions. He was even fussier than my mom sometimes and it was all for my safety. But I hate those fussiness because I felt that I deserved my freedom. I hated to tell him about what I want to do sometimes and at times things clashed together and I HAD to decide in the end what I want to do: be with him, or do my stuff, but alone.

I always fall back to being with him.

=(

Sometimes I really feel like a weakling for not being able to steel my resolve. I mean, I really want to do my things, be an activist. But at the same time his fussiness sometimes play a big part in my decision making, and I HATE it. I don't know why I put so much concern on whether will he be happy. And I HATE myself for that.

Why can't he just said ok and leave it at that? I always do that to him.

I want to be free to make my decision la damn it. His power is too overwhelming. I know he's concerned for me, he loves me, I love him too. But it is just my character to hate fussiness. If only he just nod his head and leave it at that. I do my asking too but seriously, I don't ask much because he's a guy.

But he ask me about alot of things so much because I'm a girl. T_T

I even tried asking him to go along but he's never wanting to play a big role in activism. Granted, 95% of Malaysians are like that and I won't blame him. But if he doesn't want to go along at least I think he should spare me from all that questions and only ask after the activities. T_T

And now I'm here ranting in my personal space because I blew it. I wanted him to join a human rights concert and I kept persuading him to come, because at the very same day we planned to visit his grandmother's house. And at that time I felt that I cannot reject Rin's invitation anymore and I really want to go. But I think I took it too far. He got angry with me.

And now I'm waiting for him to cool off before I could continue making decisions. But I don't know. Why do I feel so stuck in between whenever it is about these activities?