Balancing it out

Have you ever tried asking yourself, why do you choose a course to study? It could be your parents, it could be your interest, it could be the only thing that you can study, it could be forced. But you definitely will study that course until you've obtain a diploma/degree for what you are doing.

I definitely love to write that is why I've had Journalism. I have this sense of justice inside me, wanting to tell the truth to the others who need to know about them. And for another reason which was personal to me hence I will not talk about it.

I know it's a little too early to say this because after all, what do I know in 3 weeks? I've just started adjusting to the system whereby I know who are the ultimate people to report to, how to write different worksheets, how to talk to some of my colleagues.

I wish to say that I love my working environment, but sadly, it's hard to say that I do. What more with the tales seniors of my previous batches, all came here with good and motivating selves, and they made the editors so happy. One of them had an allowance raise because his articles were so good. I'm really disheartenned because my competitive self would want the same kind of treatment but my own student self just wants to drag through the internship and just pray that it ends early.

And then slowly, I'm starting to hate writing......

How will I pick up my steps from here then? Now I see why is it so important to keep your head straight because sometimes when situation demanded you to become a journalist and not an intern, you can't just go back, tell your editor, "I can't do it! I don't know how! I'm only an intern so I expect you to teach me!"

I've never did that, and sometimes I wished I could do that......

I don't know how is it like for the other industries, but in where I worked, you stand your own the moment the editors know you can. You are given the biggest crappiest events, and you must write it like it's gold. Write it like you love it. Write it with your enthusiasm put inside. Write like how you write a blog. Write because you want to write.

But I slowly find myself shielded away from enthusiasm, freezing in the air-conditioning office, just to read and write. Read and write, I couldn't feel and hear people as I could the last time. I cannot feel symphathetic to every Tom, Dick or Harry. I cannot let my emotions flow into the article.

And then slowly, my writings just became....words......

Now I see the reason why my mother was against me pursuing what I love, because no sooner that when you start working that you know, What you love, becomes what you hate. And then you start feeling really angry with yourself and ask, why do you choose a path that you will hate what you loved to do?

Because when I want to love my job, other people's perspective was "a job is a job".......

I wished I had more time to keep my feelings settled down because I cannot process everything inside my head now. Everything happens so fast. Work, write, sleep, work, write, sleep. And then when something unexpected happens you process it in your mind as well. But my heart, is really empty from all that thinking. All I do is think, but I don't reflect on what I thought about and I couldn't feel content.

My brains are thinking faster than my heart and emotions can follow....that's why I feel so much stress and grief......

I'm sure there are ways to balanced out my priorities as a working journalist and as the girl who I am before working. If only I don't feel so much fear about the new roads that I have to learn, the new things that I have to see, the new faces I have to meet, the new scoldings I've yet to receive.

Help me out here.....how to show that interns have feelings too?......