PMS is being a bitch

I have a problem, and it's a monthly problem. Everytime it comes, I believed it has wrecked a few arguments I have with Ephyon. It's a very serious problem, and I don't like this problem. Not when I'm working, not when I'm surrounding people whom I don't know at all.

My PMS is the problem. If it strikes, it strikes really bad. I cannot avoid, and I'm not brought up to learn how to cope. And it's a very strange PMS. It doesn't cause me physical pain, nor any fatigue and such. But when it strikes, I hate it when it struck, every part of me will just crumble down, as seen with what happened recently.

You see, dear gentlemen and girls as well in case none of you had my problem, I need to be super angry and super sad AT LEAST to know that my menstruation is coming. Sometimes super angry will come first, then during the period super sad will come as well.

Sometimes I will have a reason to be super angry or super sad, sometimes I won't, at times I was super angry and super sad for no reason, my boyfriend kept demanding that I tell him the reason to which I couldn't tell, and end up arguing a lot because I'll just take any of his ugly past to throw back at him. >_>

Currently I'm in Super sad mode, because I really need to cry. It's not that the working environment is tough but the constant fear and anxiety is overwhelming. We interns have heard a lot about mistakes from the past and we were so afraid of making the same mistakes again. Or that our stories won't be published, or that we'll be scolded because the editors are very fierce when scolded.

How do I kill that PMS mode most of the time? Super angry is very easy, just go and watch something funny and it'll be gone soon. Spending time with my love was also the best things ever because he can give me the best cuddles in the world. His cuddles warms me up the very minute he bury his face at my neck and snuggle me until I feel all the love from him.

But it's tougher for super sad mode. I can watch something funny if all I feel is just moodiness and anxiety. But if I know that I'm suffering, really feeling grief, whether or not from stress or from something else, crying is probably the best way to show it. But I cannot just cry out like that. My family will be giving me weird looks. I'm always the eldest so I can't just cry like that. Thankfully this time I'm saved because I've just read one of the nicest articles ever contributed by Rin and it made me feel a whole lot better about my choice in journalism.

And do you know how I know? I observed myself. Yes probably people out there you might think: how the heck do you look at yourself and think and know your problem?

I just do a lot of reflecting and I'd always want to correct myself from making mistakes which sucks even more for me because I'd reflect and feel guilty for not seeing the mistake earlier. That is how I came to realise my pattern of mood swings during PMS period. I have been proven correct a few times by my boyfriend and I'm convinced that I'm going through these times.

There's only one slight problem about it: I cannot control it. If I want to burst I will burst. Thankfully these days I can control where and when I want it to burst, but I cannot stop it from bursting. There is no way I can stop it from me wanting to get my solace and cry right from my heart about the unfairness of everything or the depressing thoughts I have. People may try to make me feel better by telling me it's okay, but it's really too bad because I'll need to break down somewhere. Maybe in a disguised form like a very sincere writing, or a touching picture. But I'm still grateful for the people who had been telling and comforting me, so thanks a lot.

That is why my PMS is such a bitch, and that makes me a bitch. It's just very hard to manuver and tell myself that I can always stay happy. Because I can't.

So if any of the guys and girls see me feeling exceptionally stressed, or angry or sad, you know it's the PMS in the works because I'm normally not like that right? =)

Of course, if anyone knows a better way to conquer feelings like mine, please do tell. My emotions are as alive as my own self and I tend to be extremely dramatic especially during PMS times. This is a condition in which I hope to erase soon because I'll soon be facing people whom I don't know and I can't be telling this same story over and over again.

Worst still, what if I'm a mom? I want my kids to see a happy mommy and not a sad mommy that cries for no reason, because they might think mommy is a little crazy.

Then again, my mom said giving birth regulates hormones, for her I mean. I wonder if it's the same for me.

Melodramatic-ness, I need to get rid of it.