Powerless

"Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn........"

Powerless to change anything.

At one point, I felt that they were putting me higher than others. I don't know why must they send me out for all those assignments. I don't possess any special power nor do I actually know what to do.

I really want to say that I'm not hurt, but I am. And I want to rest. I just want to rest.......

My house is no longer home. My mom have to fly off to Italy soon. I will have to become eldest as usual. My last week in the desk brought me more troubles than that whole month combined. Why and what is going on?

I'm too stressed out to understand everything else but my own self. I haven't been concentrating in what I'm doing and only want to do my work just only because I want to finish it. I guess it really pisses off people sometimes.

As they have said, it's a rough sea out there, if I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

I pray it is really like that. And I'm sincerely praying.

I really want to survive the remaining two days......

Tough girl not to be

If only there is such a thing as password protected post for Blogger. But then again, maybe I just want to rant it out because I really cannot stand the incoming pressure when every editor out there wants me to demand why do I have to do these stuffs.

Because, in my office, it is almost like being in American Idol. I have to report to Randy, Paula and Simon. If I get Paula, "she" will willingly listen and allow me some freedom to do my own things without feeling pressured.

Randy and Simon on the other hand, are kind of the stricter people but they are also willing to teach. Unfortunately, I don't know what has happened recently. Maybe the whole system changed, because all of a sudden I have to report to them separately instead. My colleagues have been telling me that that is their way of doing things but I didn't believe them until I see it myself.

Frankly, I hate it.

Moreover, they don't read my blog so I can never tell them the more they tried to help and criticised me, the more I placed disappointment and anxiety onto myself. That is why I never liked being criticised. It's not really scolded because they weren't being loud to me. Being unreasonable, maybe. Being rude, maybe.

Several of my friends wondered why don't I ever defend myself if they ever think I was in the wrong. I don't know. I just don't. Probably because I was thinking "I'm intern, I should say sorry, thank you." If it concerns about the news story, I can and will defend my story.

But sometimes it was as if my character was attacked. Sometimes it feels that way, but it was also consoling because when they listened to me and then start teaching me on how to write the news. But frankly it's a little too much for me especially since I was already in the mindset of "Yay, I'm switching desks soon!".....But it is due to that mindset that probably brought me to jeopardy, back to ground zero, back to square one, back to being the amateur when she first came in.

For the first time in many years, I broke down due to excessive emotional stress piled upon me. Crying for hurt and crying due to stress is totally different. But worst still, my colleagues realised I couldn't laugh at jokes anymore. I find that serious. Very serious. The last time that happened, I was under depression. I sincerely hoped that wasn't the reason why I couldn't laugh. I sincerely hoped that.

My friends have been very encouraging and even some of my colleagues realised I wasn't being myself. True, I haven't. But that's how I was when in duress and stress. I have been being an ear to other people's problems, I've forgotten to deal with my own stress if I ever face one.

Ever notice that even I write until here I've never blame the editors? You have? Well that's because I'm not supposed to unless they are really real assholes, in which I'm thankful I haven't receive the full blow yet. What is this wei? Final countdown? When all hell breaks loose at the last few days ?

My friends have said that I could go through it. True, maybe I can. But have you heard of the word "Muka Tembok"? It literally mean "Wall face". A journalist's face have to be that THICK to withstand all the blows, slams and injustices thrown to them by the editors, outsiders, public?

My "muka" was a "muka tembok" for the past few weeks, but all of a sudden, that "tembok" went crumbling at the last week. I thought and prayed that I will get a smooth "transition" from this desk to another desk because I was already feeling my "tembok" crushing down. My worst horrors were confirmed when one sentence uttered by my editor could just hurt me to the core. "Poor reporting skills." "What a boring intro." That was what he said.

By right it was my fault and I should accept defeat and admit I was wrong. I did, but at the same time I felt so hurt I cannot explain why I couldn't be as bubbly as before. I used to still go back to my desk laughing, smiling and joking with my admin clerk and colleagues.

This tough girl has her moments of fragility. Ephyon tried his very best to make me feel better but it is just hard because I cannot find the reason to smile anymore. It's not like my assignments are fun, outgoing, exciting. It used to be. But certain changes took place and then, those smiles, laughter are all wiped off.

I felt pathetic to cry alone drinking hot Milo in a lonely cafeteria. I believed maybe they saw the red eyes to know what I was doing. I think. I don't know. Even as a sad girl I never forget my courtesy and say "thank you" to those who've tried to teach me. So maybe they didn't realised I was feeling down or something.

For once, I wished I'd never have a toughened look, to feel that I was the weaker sex, to wish that I had more sympathy instead, to not wish so soon that I actually declared I loved working there.

For once, I wished I could just stomp off, drove my car, and escape from my current surroundings. Even my home feels distant, no longer warm.....

For once....I wished I was allowed to crumble, cry and scream......

My tough image, I don't want it this time.

It was one of those days

That I would consider taking a fake MC...

Dig up a hole....

Tie up my long hair....

Aim properly....

And dunk my head into that fluffy sand.....

Gutter Journalism, Scoop, Reward? More Shocked Expressions.

My head's spinning with all the thoughts inside my head and I'm exploding, trying to get things straight, before I resumed working tomorrow. I don't want those thoughts to affect the way I work.

Gutter Journalism is such an "honour" given to a certain newspaper who had broke the story about Elizabeth Wong's picture scandal. So far, no one knew about the pictures and why it existed, how it existed. Yes the headlines portrayed on that newspaper was really misleading, misguided, it aims to boost sales.

But has it really boosted sales? We can't just assumed that it has unless you have evidence of them having a frenzy over this "picture scandal". If not then the newspaper certainly did not just commit a crime. It was a devastated disgusting method. But hey, they are fighting with three other English dailies.

But apparently a lot of them had forgotten that these people are now separated from NSTP. So they are trying very hard to have circulation. So it's a little pitiful. It's an act of desparado but I guess why not. After all, if they broke another story about a 13 year-old boy father like the other one, then that will be totally freaky.

And plus, they alerted her about the pictures first. Read her press statement HERE. If they didn't, she'll probably still not know about what's going on no? They could've been at their worst ethics and just post the pictures and write the news without telling her. What would you think of that then? Her scandal needs to be exposed because it was a sign of another failure to lure the powers that would be. That is just the worst thing they can do to turn her into another power. Thankfully, she was strong. But maybe she cannot believe in so many things in life now. Love Lockdown for real.

Some might not agree with me but hey, that's how I see it no?

Speaking about Scoop. I cannot say much about this. I daresay, a lot of us only knew about it after we read the newspaper. Our own newspaper -___-. And then there were the calls for the journalists/editors who exposed it, and they said they cannot tell it to them until everything is confirmed. They kept their mouths shut. I have people asking me too. And they told me that the place where they worked, the people were quite annoyed that my company scooped it first.

Who has the credibility to get the so-called scoop anyway? There are reasons so blatant to your face on why certain stuff are not in your grasp. That's all I can say. I gave a few information over what has been happening but not much because I don't dare to expose nor say anything outside of my grounds.

Speaking of ethics, I've been taught from university that it is good if we do not accept any rewards. Those little media gifts are okay, but what if you receive cash beneath the gifts that you had? I have not receive something as big as cash, because the news I've been to so far are just marketing events that they cannot just simply bribe any journalists. Some journalists are also famous for not taking anything. Err, actually, I haven't meet anyone who didn't take any gifts. Seriously.

But to be fair, those little gifts I have, I gave most of them to my family. They are quite happy receiving it. They marvel at the power of me being able to bring back so many things. Things that they could never dream of getting for free. I've made my stand to bring back those gifts for my family. They needed it more than I do. My luxury is already here. My laptop. But yet they were so happy because I bring back another free bag, free t-shirt, vouchers. Most of these stuffs cannot even compensate to one laptop. It's one of those little things I can do for my family =).

Speaking about family, my editors asked about where I lived and about my dad, maybe to bridge communication since my desk is so near to theirs. I told them the same story I've been telling for the past 8 years. Again, the same shocked expression, but this time because they found out my dad passed on at 46 years old. Is that really young? I wouldn't know. But I felt so stupid to tell them about my dad. Then I'll probably get some kind of automatic sympathy again. Sigh. Hopefully they still look at me like their normal employee again.

The bits and pieces of my life as a journalism intern. And all these happen only today. Can you imagine what I go through everyday if they are as emotional like this? That I have so many thoughts about the going ons? meh. Tis life.

The events somehow are related with each other, chained by me

Of Slumdogs and Buttons

That was how I spent Friday the 13th and Valentines' Day. Also known as CiNDi's day offs. I'll go back to work on a Sunday. It's pretty shitty, but that's what interns are for no?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a life journey never expected to be told in this way. Starting out as an 86 year old infant, growing younger as he passes by time, Benjamin Button begins his life's journeys told only in his way.

I must admit, the narration by Brad Pitt was so good. I'm starting to have a change of views on him. Nevermind his bloody relationship with Angelina Jolie. Brad's the real man who grows with charisma over time. They made America evolved through all those times, from the Great War of 1918, to the World War II, to his surroundings growing in a old folk's home, living along with the blacks, having grace and faith in Lord Jesus, believing that his condition is irreplaceable, to finding his true love coming back to him.

What I love about that movie was the way they address each other. Nearly none. They never said they love each other. But it was evidently shown that they have unrequited love the way they tell each other Good night. You need to watch it to believe the whole concept of their love being told by saying Good Night.

Although when it was almost the end, I was disrupted by some fuckers who just cannot stop laughing. It wasn't even fucking funny. Ok la, if you must know, it's the scene whereby Daisy was old and Benjamin was really young, like "Meet Joe Black" kind of photoshopped young man. It was really a enduring and saddening scene. But guess what?

Fuckers called Beng Beng and Lian Lian just have to spoil the whole thing by laughing at Daisy's wrinkles. That's not funny! >_> Them idiots and their immature and childish brains cannot shut up, then might as well not watch the movie. It'll ruin their delicate mind because they cannot think straight looking at Daisy's wrinkly butt. (go watch yourself if you want to know about Daisy's butt)

But my ratings for it was good. 8.5/10, due to the whole storyline concept. His life was nothing ordinary to some, but he seemed very nonchalant about it. In fact, he accepted his life very well. Until somebody arrived in his life, but nevertheless he have loved that person unconditionally.

That was my Friday the 13, also one of the unluckiest days of my life. Met up with so much shit I was practically shouting by the time I reached to fetch Ephyon. That's how bad my trip was. Never seen so many bad things happen at once. >_>

Ah Valentines' wasn't anything worth shouting about too. Mostly due to the fact that Ephyon had classes to attend until 2pm. "On a Saturday?" Most people would ask. Yes, on a Saturday. As if it wasn't a tradition before this.

But the best thing of all was to not watch what GSC Cinemas offered for their Valentines' promotion. Some "Marley & Me" promotion that was supposedly for couples to feel the Valentines' vibe.

My boyfriend and I (actually it was me, Ephyon became too busy with his assignments), opted for the other movie whom everybody never heard of, until it won numerous awards in the Golden Globe Awards. I was watching it live from my desk, Them numerous times who emerged to take their prize, thanking the audience and the journalists' votes (this is where I felt so perasan). No one knew a story about a poor Indian boy raising to fame in such a peculiar way could be such an endearing story. So endearing, it garnered another 10 more Academy Award nominations. Yes, I wanted to watch Slumdog Millionaire on a Valentines' Day, and I did.

It beats any of the current movies. I'm certainly not pleased that it's only shown in the GSC International screening due to the language. Even though the production crew was English, but somehow they have distinctively captured the Indian taste, the Indian style of making a Indian movie out of it. And I dare to say it because I grew up watching Hindi and Tamil movies. Those 2pm shows on TV3. I've never failed to watch them, and back then the subtitles were the only source of finding out what they were saying, but it doesn't matter.

Speaking of the subtitles, I like Danny Boyle's way of putting the subtitles. It's no longer just at the bottom of the screen, with white text translating what they are saying. But rather, they were EVERYWHERE. The subtitles followed the young stars as they speak. It appears by their side, on top of them, Just next to them. And these texts have different colour backgrounds, to me it looked like a vibrant of India's famous colours. It was innovative. And yet it made the whole movie looked grittier.

Yes, the movie was gritty. It felt gritty to me because I've read through their history, and some of the scenes depicted were actually really sad, despite the fact my boyfriend and I have reassured ourselves they were reflective of India's past, seeing the scene being played still hurts me. Such a boy who have to endure all those things in life.

That could also be the only reason why this movie is a hit. The West, pardon to say, they've never seen poverty to that extreme extent. I bet they couldn't either. They claim they can help the Africans but I bet sometimes when they try to understand the poor's situation, they were so horrified with that kind of poverty they decided, "This movie is worth it!"

Not to say that it is not worth it, but you know how the West works sometimes....lalala....

But the best reward I've gotten from this? A.R. Rahman.

"O....Saya" is such a song that compiles traditional Indian drums, traditional singing, with modern mixing, and English raps from famous Indian rapper, M.I.A. Sorry to disappoint a certain Pixar fan, but I'm rooting for this song to get the Oscars instead. Jai Ho? A bit too generic Bollywood-ish aftertaste for me. Especially since me and Ephyon didn't expect THAT ending. Danny oh Danny, you truly surprised us.

This movie is a 9/10 in my books. I've always liked Hindi/Tamil movies. This gave me the reason to believe in loving Indian movies again =D.

My Valentines' was very homey. After the movie, we just head straight to my home, cook a very nice cabonara pasta served with cheesy sausages and grilled beef pastrami. The boyfriend did most of the cooking this time. I just boil the spaghetti. A nice touch compared to what I had last year.

Lets see, I have tons of other movies waiting for me to watch. Burn After Reading (just to see Brad Pitt be a blonde cute dopey idiot XD), Frost/Nixon (Because I admire David Frost alot after watching him in Al-Jazeera English), ooh ooh! City of Ember (symbolism and mystery solving freak la me), The Reader (maybe, if it wins the Oscars), Monsters vs Aliens (because Seth Rogen make me smile in the trailers), Coraline (the trailer alone freaked me out so badly I want to watch it =D), Watchmen (because I believe in Zack Snyder. Unfortunately my boyfriend can never remember his name).

And what will happen to the big movie names like Terminator Salvation! Transformers 2! Punisher: Warzone! ?

I don't know. Ask my boyfriend on that part.

Ciao ciao =D. Oh happy me with movies =D.

Feelings of receiving the first paycheck

None.

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Well seriously, none.

I don't feel extremely elated but you know what's the better reward? Being at the good side of the editors. =D They can be of the nice if you keep on their good side. But they are also of the conservatives so they cannot understand about us youngsters and our fascination about gadgets.

Say, my headphones. Me editor said it was a "canggih" little thing. Of course, this baby has a retractable cord so I don't have to worry about the length of the cord and whether it annoys the hell out of me at work. He was quite happy tinkering with the gadget but then he just have to add "youngsters and their gadgets these days....".

-____-

On another note, Situations at university are getting tensed because of some "overwhelming" people and their "lack of electronics". Not to mention they "gracefully gave a loan" to the juniors because they "severely lacked of resources" due to "unforeseen circumstances that prevails the students from leaving its current location".

Yeap. I feel the pity sometimes but my boyfriend with his handsome head thinks "a student should not question their rights, or the lack of it". So much for trying to question and ask why is there a lack of resources.

One of my friends tried to question why can't we join the press ourselves, in which that way we get Malaysiakini, The Nut Graph, those other more stimulating and challenging stuff fit for my friend. And she ended up being in err, somewhere she didn't like to. A certain company which is not mine, in case my colleagues who are reading this might misunderstand me. She tried writing an email to our course tutor and the answer was, rather, beat around bushes.

Why are we not allowed to question authority when academics is not about "I listen to you" but "Lets have a proper argument"? Are our lecturers stuck in "teacher's syndrome"?

But anyways...I can't even remember what I want to talk about. Short entry la this one. Bye.

Yea, I'm supposed to report to a certain zewt. My pay is a mere RM391. Not bad for an intern. My friends could have gotten lower. Token of appreciation as according to HR.

Bye for real.

And the real winners are: Mainstream Media

Yea, the truly real winners of every Perak fiasco caused since January. You people are truly truly, the real contributors to what has happened over in Perak.

Oh no, I ain't talking about the journalists, they may have decided on the news angle from the start that they found the correct angle to attack on the Perak situation, but the last one to talk are the editors. I guess the editors themselves have found their way to edit the news so that in a way they were targetting the ruling party in Perak.

And they won. They officially won. BN will now take over Perak, and soon, every mainstream media will be joyfully overloading their news with more political biasness.

Everywhere in my office, RTM1 was blaring with great delight, the situation of Perak turning into their desire. They don't need to edit any freaking scenario to make them look like they side with BN. They practically show it live on the spot. What is there to edit? Everything is coming into place. The Sultan of Perak knowing his "big" gut, surely had adhered and adored the BN administration. Why not eh?

The Mainstream media has won, for their efforts to become the doctors of spinning. Spin to the way that the Pakatan Rakyat were viable to attacks and the citizens themselves became wary of their tactics. Spin to the way that everything was Ngeh-Nga's fault, spin to the way that the Indian MPs do not get the treatment they deserve. And they finally did it.

The biggest victory of all, was the stopping of reliance onto blogs. Suddenly, you stopped seeing them trying to extract blog post, transcripts that are available online. They finally revert to their old ways, spinning, plundering their way into the citizen's mind to remind them....Bloggers are individuals, they do not represent you.

It's just sad isn't it? Their voice to reason, their voice to balance, just came to a standstill. Suddenly, with the power of money, everything makes sense. Why the sudden direction has turn into another way, why were they so daring to show their biased heads. Suddenly, that 90% fully BN coverage re-emerged.

Now, with one more state back in the hands of the power, they have more reasons to cheer, more reason to be frank with their political agenda, more reasons to be biased and not getting subjected to ridicule.

They are finally back on track.

I don't dare to say that the company I work in is extremely neutral, but when we saw the newsflash, our face fell. Each and everyone of us in the newsroom. But we still resumed to our schedule. The editors still rushed to make sure they know that such a thing really happened. The journalists in the room had to call those from outside to recheck facts and send it in for the editors to read.

I wonder if the company I work in will become the only mainstream media that will not succumbed to criticism? Or will it?

But for now, the mainstream media won the political agenda. BN should really thank them. They were the true slaves for you.

Here I would to show you what did Russell Peters say about the Media for his stand-up comedy:

I kinda blame the media for what's going wrong with the world right now, cause they kinda perpetuate stereotypes about people. They don't tell you that's what you were doing, they don't go "hey this is what you need to think", but then you know how people's brains work. What they do is that they enforce all this shit you know? What they do is that they'll show you an image of somebody, of a different racial background, and then they'll show you, an alternate image, like right away, something completely different. They don't say the two images are together. They kinda present it like "What do you think?" *shrugs*

Like what they do is that they'll show you an Asian guy and a car accident, *shrugs*

They show you an Indian guy and a 7-11, *shrugs* "What do you think?"

They show you an Arab guy and an explosion, "I KNEW IT!"

But that's what they do, they convince us that things aren't what we think, you know. And all they do is they kept showing you different Arabs and all the violence, they never show you Arab people doing their regular Arab Things.......

(For more please go check his latest comedy Red, White and Brown)


I concur. And I've been seeing that sort of alternating image.

PKR men are quitting almost everywhere, with BN men's smiling faces.

"What do you think?"

The victory goes to the mainstream media.

Two

"Keat, you better get a girlfriend soon. Don't let my daughter chase up and get married first!"

There were shouts of laughter as my mother had severely "warned" Keat, my 28 year old male cousin, about my relationship with Ephyon. Well, I can sort of understand her worries. I'm only 21 and I already have a solid boyfriend, who even ate a Chinese New Year reunion dinner with us now. Soon we are going to be distributing red invitation cards to our wedding dinner.

Yes, I've officially stepped into the second year of relationship with the one and only boy who finds me rare.

Two years stuck with my first and only boy. Two years of shouting matches, fights, arguments, heated discussions, cold shoulders, cuddles, kisses, hugs and all sorts of crap me and him used to share.

It's amazing how I can even survived for the second year considering the amount of damage he has done to me or even the amount of damage we caused to rip out each other's heart.

Yes, I'm not the most perfect girl ever. Heck, I'm far from being perfect. But he ain't Mr. Perfect man as well. He couldn't be arsed to write proper poems or long romantic emails. He couldn't be arsed to learn how to cook just to let me try his cooking. He couldn't be arsed to learn how to dress properly, learn how to take camwhore pictures with me. He just couldn't be arsed.

At this stage of the relationship, we pretty much are so used to each other's flaws, we couldn't be arsed about it. I used to be so mad whenever he goes out with his friends and still think that it's the absolute right thing to do. Most of those shouting matches occured because of that. But then after a while I just cannot be arsed. The point of being angry was because of the hope that he/she will change, but after one year plus of being with that man and shouting and crying so that he'll change and he still doesn't, you just save your tears la.

Come on, I begged him, crying, a few times to let me out of the relationship because I cannot stand the way he lives his life. He doesn't want to let me go, and he doesn't want to change. Then what does he want me to do? Be angry for the rest of my life? I started to just let him do his thing while I do mine. It's no longer anger that I felt, but sheer emptiness and heaps of disappointment. Definitely a much better feeling than anger and grief.

And yet somewhere lurking at my heart I was wishing, sincerely wishing that he'll change but what, or who am I anyway?

I thought I can be a girlfriend who can change him because of his special identity, but after two years, I'm still just "girlfriend". I'm not family, I don't have the role to be advising him on what has to come. I'm just supposed to be there listening to him, and only giving advises when he wants me to. If not, I guess I'm supposed to shut up and not care about his life whatsoever. Let him live it.

That's how a relationship should be eh?

Nevertheless, this relationship was one of those I guarantee will cherish within me, whether or not will I marry him. This is because we are just inseparable. We talk, we laugh, we cuddle...we smile weirdly at each other, make faces for the camera....

And everytime my friends complain about their state of relationship I really felt blessed that my problems so far just consisted mainly lifestyle problems. We did have a little problem in commitment during the start due to a mistake he made, but by the time I was writing this post I had probably already got over it.

I remember my friend came up to me and feeling sad, she asked me, "What kind of topics do you usually talk with your boyfriend?"

And I threw out "Oh the usual, our friends, gossip, current issues, politics, human rights, World War 2, History, Literature...."

She gaped at me and said, "okay enough, I feel the pain...."

"....my boyfriend just called me dumb, because I don't have any topics to talk about to him"

I really felt pity for her, but being a human who do feel selfish I was relieved I had never once being called dumb by the man who I loved so much. Can you imagine how painful will that be to be called dumb? Yes he did try to chase me out of the car before, but being a man with an ego who need deflation, he still apologised for all the crap he's given me.

And apparently, he's thankful for me being the extraordinaire and the ever chatty, masculine-like girl. Believe me, I still do not carry a handbag, despite my mother's pleads that I go get one. I really hate carrying a handbag. I prefer either my pockets or the backpack. And as always, he doesn't bother about me carrying an extra bag, it blocks his view of certain body parts also wtf XD.

But as I've heard so much about Ephyon, I feel really pleased to be with this man for my next few years to come.

Dear Ephyon,

I've written this post earlier because I was afraid by the time I actually wrote it on that day itself, I cannot write it out.

I've had so many mushy things to say about you. And I think, I am currently the only one eligible to do so, because never in my life do I have to endure such a pain in the ass in a form of a man.

Yes, I do think that you are a pain in the ass. Still is at certain times. But heck, what were you expecting? That I'm completely non-chalant about your behaviour? You know better than I do when it comes to your behaviour, and thankfully I've been with you long enough to have taught you about certain things.

I know, being a girlfriend and a teacher at the same time is going to hurt our relationship. I've been receiving many of those repercussions from you. But I thought to myself, you know, if I don't voice it out, would others do? And despite the fact that I knew I was going to get lots of misunderstanding from the circle of friends (which became true after that no?), I still do it.

I don't know if you are going to treat this message seriously. I already feel scared wanting to assume your perceptions are like this, because assumptions are going to ruin what we've been trying to build up. Trust? Belief? You might find it good to hear, but I do not really put so much hope on those two now.

I prefer to savour every moment I could with you, because whoosh! another year has gone. Time flies really fast, and I soon realised that as we grow time does not wait. When you get hurt it means you really will get hurt, and time will not turn back to heal you.

Frankly, I was afraid for myself too. We are staying in a very turbulent time when Malaysia kept plunging in pointless despair. With no one to turn to, and no one that can feel pity for you. I was actually feeling really perplexed when I watched that video of A. Kugan's mangled body. Because I was so afraid, that could be you. Yeah, like being a Chinese actually makes things better, but no, he was a 23 year old man. Just as old as you. I really don't want to find you lying at a mortuary with blood and scars and bruises all over. Justice has not really been very kind to Malaysians and the very last thing I needed was to accept pointless death. I feel afraid.

But that had made me feel stronger for you. The more I can feel about you. I've actually never been so happy about my Chinese New Year this year. Not because of the lack of angpaus, not because of the blaring news of the economic crisis and the screams of children of Gaza, but because I can stand so firm and stood so tall to show myself that I can do what I like without feeling a sense of pain or oppression, and I know you will be there, standing beside me.

You may not agree with my every point of views, you may not be happy with every of my political stand, but I know if I need you to, you will be the supporting pillar for what we have built up together. That mentality for a better future, that linguistic skills, that big heart that can forgive anything, being so open about what we could do.

I still admire most was the way you could forgive someone and let go very easily and not being meticulous. There was one car accident that was obviously the woman's fault when she knocked into your car, and it took quite a while for your grandpa to repair it. I was trying to hard to convince you to call her, make her pay, but all you said was "Leave it be. Why would I be so concerned about such an amount? I have better things to worry"

The only other place I've heard that sentence was in a book titled "The Last Lecture" by the late Randy Pausch. He was charged double times on his credit card bill and he wanted to claim it back, until he realised "I only have a month to live, I have better things to worry about than a double charged credit card bill".

Should I say that you have a wisdom of a dying man, or should I really be impressed with how open you see about things?

But thank you for letting me see how it's like living your way. I can't wait for the forthcoming adventures, just you and me. The upcoming Sunburst Music Festival? The Famwie Trip? That possible trip to Australia? I just can't wait what is in for our 2009 =)

And of course, the obligatory, I Love You =3

With tons of love, kisses and hugs
CiNDi