Two

"Keat, you better get a girlfriend soon. Don't let my daughter chase up and get married first!"

There were shouts of laughter as my mother had severely "warned" Keat, my 28 year old male cousin, about my relationship with Ephyon. Well, I can sort of understand her worries. I'm only 21 and I already have a solid boyfriend, who even ate a Chinese New Year reunion dinner with us now. Soon we are going to be distributing red invitation cards to our wedding dinner.

Yes, I've officially stepped into the second year of relationship with the one and only boy who finds me rare.

Two years stuck with my first and only boy. Two years of shouting matches, fights, arguments, heated discussions, cold shoulders, cuddles, kisses, hugs and all sorts of crap me and him used to share.

It's amazing how I can even survived for the second year considering the amount of damage he has done to me or even the amount of damage we caused to rip out each other's heart.

Yes, I'm not the most perfect girl ever. Heck, I'm far from being perfect. But he ain't Mr. Perfect man as well. He couldn't be arsed to write proper poems or long romantic emails. He couldn't be arsed to learn how to cook just to let me try his cooking. He couldn't be arsed to learn how to dress properly, learn how to take camwhore pictures with me. He just couldn't be arsed.

At this stage of the relationship, we pretty much are so used to each other's flaws, we couldn't be arsed about it. I used to be so mad whenever he goes out with his friends and still think that it's the absolute right thing to do. Most of those shouting matches occured because of that. But then after a while I just cannot be arsed. The point of being angry was because of the hope that he/she will change, but after one year plus of being with that man and shouting and crying so that he'll change and he still doesn't, you just save your tears la.

Come on, I begged him, crying, a few times to let me out of the relationship because I cannot stand the way he lives his life. He doesn't want to let me go, and he doesn't want to change. Then what does he want me to do? Be angry for the rest of my life? I started to just let him do his thing while I do mine. It's no longer anger that I felt, but sheer emptiness and heaps of disappointment. Definitely a much better feeling than anger and grief.

And yet somewhere lurking at my heart I was wishing, sincerely wishing that he'll change but what, or who am I anyway?

I thought I can be a girlfriend who can change him because of his special identity, but after two years, I'm still just "girlfriend". I'm not family, I don't have the role to be advising him on what has to come. I'm just supposed to be there listening to him, and only giving advises when he wants me to. If not, I guess I'm supposed to shut up and not care about his life whatsoever. Let him live it.

That's how a relationship should be eh?

Nevertheless, this relationship was one of those I guarantee will cherish within me, whether or not will I marry him. This is because we are just inseparable. We talk, we laugh, we cuddle...we smile weirdly at each other, make faces for the camera....

And everytime my friends complain about their state of relationship I really felt blessed that my problems so far just consisted mainly lifestyle problems. We did have a little problem in commitment during the start due to a mistake he made, but by the time I was writing this post I had probably already got over it.

I remember my friend came up to me and feeling sad, she asked me, "What kind of topics do you usually talk with your boyfriend?"

And I threw out "Oh the usual, our friends, gossip, current issues, politics, human rights, World War 2, History, Literature...."

She gaped at me and said, "okay enough, I feel the pain...."

"....my boyfriend just called me dumb, because I don't have any topics to talk about to him"

I really felt pity for her, but being a human who do feel selfish I was relieved I had never once being called dumb by the man who I loved so much. Can you imagine how painful will that be to be called dumb? Yes he did try to chase me out of the car before, but being a man with an ego who need deflation, he still apologised for all the crap he's given me.

And apparently, he's thankful for me being the extraordinaire and the ever chatty, masculine-like girl. Believe me, I still do not carry a handbag, despite my mother's pleads that I go get one. I really hate carrying a handbag. I prefer either my pockets or the backpack. And as always, he doesn't bother about me carrying an extra bag, it blocks his view of certain body parts also wtf XD.

But as I've heard so much about Ephyon, I feel really pleased to be with this man for my next few years to come.

Dear Ephyon,

I've written this post earlier because I was afraid by the time I actually wrote it on that day itself, I cannot write it out.

I've had so many mushy things to say about you. And I think, I am currently the only one eligible to do so, because never in my life do I have to endure such a pain in the ass in a form of a man.

Yes, I do think that you are a pain in the ass. Still is at certain times. But heck, what were you expecting? That I'm completely non-chalant about your behaviour? You know better than I do when it comes to your behaviour, and thankfully I've been with you long enough to have taught you about certain things.

I know, being a girlfriend and a teacher at the same time is going to hurt our relationship. I've been receiving many of those repercussions from you. But I thought to myself, you know, if I don't voice it out, would others do? And despite the fact that I knew I was going to get lots of misunderstanding from the circle of friends (which became true after that no?), I still do it.

I don't know if you are going to treat this message seriously. I already feel scared wanting to assume your perceptions are like this, because assumptions are going to ruin what we've been trying to build up. Trust? Belief? You might find it good to hear, but I do not really put so much hope on those two now.

I prefer to savour every moment I could with you, because whoosh! another year has gone. Time flies really fast, and I soon realised that as we grow time does not wait. When you get hurt it means you really will get hurt, and time will not turn back to heal you.

Frankly, I was afraid for myself too. We are staying in a very turbulent time when Malaysia kept plunging in pointless despair. With no one to turn to, and no one that can feel pity for you. I was actually feeling really perplexed when I watched that video of A. Kugan's mangled body. Because I was so afraid, that could be you. Yeah, like being a Chinese actually makes things better, but no, he was a 23 year old man. Just as old as you. I really don't want to find you lying at a mortuary with blood and scars and bruises all over. Justice has not really been very kind to Malaysians and the very last thing I needed was to accept pointless death. I feel afraid.

But that had made me feel stronger for you. The more I can feel about you. I've actually never been so happy about my Chinese New Year this year. Not because of the lack of angpaus, not because of the blaring news of the economic crisis and the screams of children of Gaza, but because I can stand so firm and stood so tall to show myself that I can do what I like without feeling a sense of pain or oppression, and I know you will be there, standing beside me.

You may not agree with my every point of views, you may not be happy with every of my political stand, but I know if I need you to, you will be the supporting pillar for what we have built up together. That mentality for a better future, that linguistic skills, that big heart that can forgive anything, being so open about what we could do.

I still admire most was the way you could forgive someone and let go very easily and not being meticulous. There was one car accident that was obviously the woman's fault when she knocked into your car, and it took quite a while for your grandpa to repair it. I was trying to hard to convince you to call her, make her pay, but all you said was "Leave it be. Why would I be so concerned about such an amount? I have better things to worry"

The only other place I've heard that sentence was in a book titled "The Last Lecture" by the late Randy Pausch. He was charged double times on his credit card bill and he wanted to claim it back, until he realised "I only have a month to live, I have better things to worry about than a double charged credit card bill".

Should I say that you have a wisdom of a dying man, or should I really be impressed with how open you see about things?

But thank you for letting me see how it's like living your way. I can't wait for the forthcoming adventures, just you and me. The upcoming Sunburst Music Festival? The Famwie Trip? That possible trip to Australia? I just can't wait what is in for our 2009 =)

And of course, the obligatory, I Love You =3

With tons of love, kisses and hugs
CiNDi