喜欢

It's been three years since I had that feeling.

I was reading a friend's blog about liking someone, having a crush on somebody. It feels so mysterious yet so exciting as how she described her feelings. And as I read hers, I felt like my feelings back then all came back.

It was those times, when I felt that I liked him, that he did not realised it. And it was so funny back then, because, my friends were trying very hard to persuade me to talk to him more often. To interact with him. But for some reason, whenever you start to like someone, even though he was a friend before this, you felt like you've just met him. You start being polite, you start blushing, you start smiling for no reason whenever he did something stupid or something heroic.

Likewise, whenever he got himself in trouble or was injured (he was easily injured, soft bones I think), I get troubled, and would always sms him to tell him to be careful with himself, and back then, I was sms-ing in Mandarin. That probably kickstart my proficiency in that language. The craziest stunt I did back then was that, I rushed to Astaka stadium just to see him. And I didn't have the car, I was rushing with the LRT, and the Rapid KL. But in the end, I didn't get to, because apparently he got himself injured, again. You should've seen my face back then, I was so sad and disappointed yet worried for him, I couldn't really smile when I get back home, not to mention tired, rushing for nothing.

And I was so silly that I keep telling people to keep it a secret. =.= Sigh, why la I was so silly. Sheesh, even now when I looked back I felt so embarassed. It feels like, it was a now or never thing. If I don't do it now, I'll never be able to. (Which is quite true, I really never had rushed for Ephyon yet). And err, urgh, I wrote love letters ><. (WTF so TOP SECRET thing also I'm revealing it to the world!!) One I gave it on Valentine's Day (WTF SO JAKUN! I SCARED HIM LA MORE LIKE) and the other on his birthday (EVEN WTF!). I remembered I gave him a keychain, because back then, his pencil box had alot of different keychains that were given by different people and friends, and I wanted to be that part of him, and also because I thought he liked keychains. And well, back then, a secondary student's precious treasure would be the pencil box other than the handphone.

I still remembered what I carved, it was a pure silver keychain, specially laser engraved, I wrote his name, together with his English name, Alex. It was not a name suited for him back then, but since he used Alex for his signature, I just stubbornly added in it. I wished him all the best in everything. And true enough, he did put that keychain on his pencil box! XD. That action alone made me happy enough for a week. (WTF I know, I'm damn stupid like that. What to do, deprived of love from the opposite sex, just want attention siot) I wonder whether does he still had that keychain at his pencil box? or his carkeys? Or maybe, he'll just keep it as memories?

Of course there was also one incident that stemmed from my crush for him. It was a rather painful incident no one wanted to remember, but since there are no longer any harm feelings (except for one bastard which I will not elaborate further because he's not worth elaborating), I guess I could speak it out. The thing is, when it was nearing Sports Day, I had to march for the Red Crescent Society, and due to my own carelessness, I fell down from the stairs and I had my knee hit directly to the floor. It was so painful, even when I walk I could only limp. That pathetic. Sigh. I tried to ask the President to let me go, but she couldn't, because there are a lack of members. So during that Sports Day, I was practically standing the whole day, because not only do I have to march, but also I have duty calls. Imagine seeing a limping Red Crescent member skipping to help other players suffering from muscle cramps. =.= so much for rest. It aggravated my pain, but what could I do? Duty calls first.

Anyways, main point was, He was also limping. Because he hurt his knees too. (Mr. Soft bone ish) And waddaya know, it was also the same side of knee (left knee to be more precise). So two people limping like that everywhere, and most of the class gang knew about my crush towards him, sigh. Then before it ended, rumours were spreading all over that I was faking my injury because I love him so much that I should imitate his walking as well. Haiz that was the worst times of my life la. Because no one believed that I was also in pain, especially when he had the bandage and I don't. What more, I've been accused by gossipers and also people whom I thought were friends, that I love to fake things up, and that I'm so perasan (which meant I'm so into myself) thinking that my actions will touched him so that he'll be my boyfriend. Problem is I was so pathetic I didn't defend myself by shoving the doctor's medical bill into their mouths to prove my innocence. I just kept quiet. Sigh. See la, like someone until the feminist in me also weak already. Sad la. If who I am now met up with who I am then, I'll thrust her the medical bill and make them apologise by kneeling down wtf. Thank god the issue was settled after that, although it did hurt my friendship and my perception of those people, especially that one bastard. Oh well.

Of course the painful part came when he told me, after such a long time that he had someone else in mind. My heart shattered, literally. Why I know? I had diarrhea for no reason the next morning. I couldn't sleep as my stomach hurts like hell. And I started to be sick. Unfortunately that next day was Prom night for my school, and to prove that I could be strong, I went ahead, I went and enjoy myself. Not too much cause I saw him and his date dancing T_T. Went back crying, but ah well. Life goes on, that was how my secondary school life ended. Boyfriend-less and love-less. Shit, I was so emo like that. LOLWTF.

It's almost a year and a half now with my current boyfriend. He is very good towards me, but it was never the same like how I liked the other boy. For that boy, I truly made my effort just to get him to talk to me like a good friend without having any results. But for Ephyon, It had always been a good communication. I didn't feel that much of disappointment and pain, because Ephyon reciporated my feelings for him, and that he made me feel special, that I'm capable to walk the path down with him. He made me felt like the one, and I'm truly glad.

And when the boy knows about my relationship with Ephyon, he told me he was glad for me. Also, when we chatted once on msn, he said he cleaned up his room and found my love letters, and he apologised again to me. For hurting me? Maybe. But I did benefit from that hurt. At least, I wouldn't stupidly find somebody who truly is not compatible with me. He told me he already know I'm not suited for him. But I was too blind and deaf to listen. I just kept wanting my feelings to have some response from him, the positive ones I mean.

Bleh, so stupid, but if I didn't go through that phase, I wouldn't have learnt how to deal with people right? In an indirect way, I benefitted from my liking of that boy.

So, to you, and you know who you are, thank you. I just felt like telling my story to people because I want to tell my friend also having this crush that she's not the only one. I know she won't share her stories with me, but at least I want to tell her that I share the same kind of feelings with her. Hopefully she'll read my blog XP. But still, should you happen to read it and you don't want people to know about it, I'll take it down okay?

Thank you again.

P.S: Nah, to all my 5 Alpha-ians, it's a full exposure of what stupid things I did back then wtf. Now your turn to tell something embarassing also. It's a tag wtf nolah just kidding. I hope this answers everything you guys all want to know about those "cindi love alex yer yer yer" times. It's been so long. But three years is a good enough time for me to recover and found my stability then I tell my story. =)