I wish...

I read this, before I go to sleep.

The moment I finished, I felt disgusted, frustrated, sad. I couldn't shake off that feeling. And I went to sleep with it. It was nauseous. And I couldn't stand it anymore. I cried. I don't know why I would cry over something so petty.

So I tried to sms Ephyon. And indeed within seconds, he called back. He comforted me for a few minutes, before I started telling him what I felt. Then, he just kept lecturing me, stating how bad it was for me to think like that. He just kept yelling, saying that I'm so silly think of such a thing that could make me cry. He went on going that I can go and visit it later on when I'm independent, when I'm out of the house, when I have the earning power. I kept telling him I don't want to. I'm too embarassed. I'm too old. He told me no one is too old to go and play at Disneyland. I begged to differ. Then, since he couldn't talk me through, he gave up.

Of course I couldn't believe him. I count him as one of those lucky ones. He could go. He already went. What kind of position is he in to lecture me? That was my feelings when I drifted off to sleep.

It's not easy staying in an area of upper middle class, attending an elite (not to mention rich) primary school, and coming back to school dreading to hear about my friends bragging about their trips. But Ephyon, to me, cannot understand.

He was not there, when I was 9, and the teacher I hate the most asked everyone in the class who had been to overseas, and I was the only one not raising my hand. People laughed at me. That bitch teacher poked fun at me. My family income back then fare much better than now. But even a daughter of a vegetable seller, could afford to go to Singapore, and not me. Why?

He was not there, when I was 11, crying alone inside my room, when I finally became one of the top 5 in class, yet my father, said he'll POSTPONE, the Disneyland trip, even though he said he'll fulfil it immediately and said will bring me there during the long school break if I get into the Top 5 of my class. Well, he's already dead. Why me?

He was not there, when I sit alone, watching all the Disney cartoons, slowly, gradually, stop wishing.

No matter what Ephyon or others tell me, that said how bad others' condition are, who have never even sat on a plane, who don't have a passport till now. I can never shake off that feeling of resentment.

Please, just SHUT UP AND LISTEN FIRST BEFORE YOU PENALISED ME AS A SPOILT BRAT OR THOSE WHO COULDN'T APPRECIATE WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE DONE FOR ME! ESPECIALLY YOU, EPHYON! BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!

If you are SO GOOD at telling me the LAW of the universe, ask my mother why she and my dad do not decide to give me a passport till I turn 18. Oh yes, I could understand. At 1993 when my dad could afford to drive a Toyota, but couldn't afford to let his beloved daughter go overseas? NO! HE, and HIS WIFE, left his CHILDREN AT HOME WITH THE MAID AND GRANDPARENTS, EATING JOJO AND TORA (those chocolate biscuits that have toys inside), WATCHING DISNEY CARTOONS, WHILE HE GO AND ENJOY HIS COMPANY DINNER SHIT!

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY!

And the worst part of all, even if there was no passport, there was not many travels inside Malaysia either. That was how lazy, or stingy, they were. (Note: These feelings were what I've felt in the past. Everytime anger comes, everytime it start triggering my memories, my feelings will all pour out, so, don't judge me. Don't even try to tell me how wrong I am. These are all my personal feelings)

So great, I just keep waiting and waiting. Even believing my mom's words about "You will get free trips if you go and work. Cause I do that. I don't get to travel when I was young" (FUCK! I was too naive, she could afford it, she's just too stingy, and that was what I thought at the age of 15 because she could send my grandmother for a trip to China). Crying, countless times, over the fact that I don't travel overseas, while listening to my friends talk about those "group" trips? Sigh.

And when I finally turned 18, I was not the only one who get the "upgrade", as in gaining access to go to overseas. My sister and brother don't even have to wait till they're 18. They gained INSTANT ACCESS, the moment I, repeat, I, turned 18!

I don't feel fair! I know I'm the fucking eldest but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO ME! WHY AM I THE ONE, ANTICIPATING TO TRAVEL SO MUCH, WAITING TILL I GAIN MY RIGHTS, AND THEY GET THE INSTANT BOOST RIGHT AWAY?

HUH???? TELL ME MR. ONLY CHILD! TELL ME!

AND YOU WERE THERE LECTURING HOW I THINK I SHOULDN'T BE SORRY OF MYSELF. I DAMN BLOODY HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS TO DO SO!

Because, I hate Disneyland. And I know, that EVEN if I do get the chance to go in the later years, when I have my independence, I would be BUDGETING, PLANNING, to buy my own house, my own car, my own fucking in-house entertainment system, MINE! That's MY reality! I don't NEED YOU to remind me that I could go. At like what? 50? 60? Just walking around the theme park like some asshole cannot able to enjoy the thrilling roller coaster rides? That only could go for rides that sings "It's a small world"??

My Point is, I don't want to go to Disneyland, even if it was a childhood dream. I've grown up. At 20, I will not feel the thrill anymore. I no longer feel like a kid. Even if you shove me to the front of Disneyland, I'll turn back. I don't want to go in. And YOU, can't MAKE ME!

And STOP LECTURING ME about how I should behave, or how I should sympatised with the other people out there who couldn't even go overseas even until now. If you could find someone with the desire to travel so much that he or she could cry, yet do not have the access, and had been SUFFERING, then I believe you. If not, I won't.

So to all the rich bastards, and spoilt brats out there, or lucky ones who had the chance to visit the Disneylands, everywhere, just appreciate it. I know you love the trip. It was everybody's childhood dream, right?

Although, if 10 or 15 years from now, if a boy or a girl that resembled me and said "Please, mommy, can I go to Disneyland?"

Without hesitation, I'll nod. But not for me. For him, or for her.