I don't want

When I first started out my blog, I had sworn to not include anything personal about my life. My personal stuff, ongoing, personal, not to be spoken stuff.

However, I would like to pass this message on to my friends.

Friends, I knew that my birthday is coming, but this is one message I want to tell you.

I Don't Want To Celebrate It.

You heard me. I just want my day to go as peaceful as possible, with no bish bang booms, with no songs, no cakes, no presents, no laughter.

I don't know where I get this notion from, to not think of birthdays as a big thing.

But in truth, it is not. It is because a man had to feel special, and chose the day when they made their mothers squirm and struggle to bring them to this world.

It is not the day I want to know how I've changed myself. It is not the day I want to know how I turned to openly welcome my second decade in life.

I'm through with birthdays and I will tell you why.

You people may think of me as friends, but I don't. I don't have friends, I don't have friends who would call me just to say hi. I do have one, and he calls only once in a blue moon, but he always said he called just to say hi, even though actually everytime he called he had a purpose.

I was still hurt from many of the "friends" I've had. Friends who do not go out often. Friends, who lounge around in the cybercafes. Friends, who are coursemates, but never even let me into their little group for empty chats, and only got things to ask me, when there's English and assignment problems.

English, and Assignment problems! Is that my only value in this course? Is that what I was useful for? I'm not frivolous enough so I cannot join in chats of fashion and mindless humour? I'm not Chinese-ish enough so I cannot join in and laugh over stupid cold jokes?

Am I really really really that strict and hard to talk to? Just because I was strict in work that doesn't mean I would be that serious in talking. Are you people really that stupid to mix both of them up?

I remember one sentence, uttered by one coursemate that my standards was "too high". My standards! And I'm a leader who pushes around! And She Don't Like To Be With Me!

No, I wished to tell her. My standards were not high, it was because she wasn't confident about herself, that is why she thought my standards were high.

But so what? My standards became high, hence, no one wants to work with me. They'd rather work with someone else. Or, my communication skills are a problem. OR, I always go out with my boyfriend because all he knew was to be WORRIED with me! When he should be encouraging me to mingle with my friends, even though it was alot of karaoke-ing and bowling. They asked me so many times, They asked me SO MANY TIMES! And I rejected them! Why was I so stupid? Why was I so stupid to follow my boyfriend out all the time??

I don't deserve a birthday. I don't even have true friends.

When I was younger I used to lament why don't I ever have birthdays to celebrate with my friends since it was always a school holiday. Now it is even worst. I bet no one in my course knows.

My little circle may have had something prepared. But here's the message: Stop preparing, and go away.

When am I going to be the priority in that circle? Nobody ever come to me, and go "aiyah, you so weak, let me help you la." No one. They all expect me to be, strong, matured, calm, composed. When they have shit, I shouldn't have.

When my friend is silent, it is abnormal; when I am silent I should be left alone. When my friend is helpless; the whole group went towards her; when I feel helpless, I sought help from the MSN chats.

You ask yourself my friends in that circle, when have I ever become priority?

When?

When the time my boyfriend felt like a piece of shit from an argument?

When the time we were out I was always there listening silently while you guys all laughed away?

And the girls, why do we not talk and chat anymore? Do you people will only be there when there is a birthday?

I understand if my boyfriend's birthday was important. I understand if Islander's birthday was important. I also truly, truly understand if Bloodsun's birthday was important. But I, for the love of my own self and my current life, couldn't fathom why was I important.

I've never done anything important, nor am I too far to do anything important.

Oh sure, my boyfriend. I bet he's the best in this circle. He's the only one who could handle every member of the group, including me. I am rumoured to be "too tough to handle" because I could be very icy cold within minutes. He can go out with the girls when he needs to, he could go to cyber cafe when the boys ask him to. He's the pillar for every woe and joy celebrated there.

Do you understand now?

I know that if you celebrate my birthday it is only giving your face to my boyfriend. You really think I was so stupid to not know? You people will only plan all this because you LOVE Ephyon, not me.

You people don't love me at all. And I know that, from the actions of my own course. I bet you, none of them would go my Friendster or Facebook page, and specifically note down the Youngest member of this class. They would think it was the other girl, not me.

So what is the point of birthdays? Especially mine?

I don't feel proud and I don't feel happy. I wouldn't think it is such a great event at all.

So thank you my friends, for reading this. Maybe it is my nature, but I really want my birthday to be as discreet as possible. Thank you for all that planning, or at least that's what you people want me to think: That you people care.

I've already plan to forget that day's speciality. And I sincerely hope you could do so too.

Lets make my life easier shall we?

Thank you.

Love and Regards,
CiNDi